Christmas blessings!

This is a little silly, but I really wanted a particular brand of Christmas pudding. I couldn't find any anywhere in town and I went to several different shops. Finally today (Friday and the second-last shopping day before Christmas) I went back to one of the shops where I knew they didn't have any left of the brand I wanted, and decided to get something else.

On an impulse, I asked again if they had any of the brand I wanted left and the guy said he would look. Finally, he said that they didn't have any of the normal ones left, but that he could sell me one of the "catering packs" of my favourite brand! No fancy Christmas packaging, but twice as much pudding for half the price! God looks after our "wants" as well as our "needs" and his blessings overflow, now and always! I am once again amazed and humbled at how God helps us to celebrate and enjoy life, even frivolous things like Christmas puddings! Maybe there is some hope for Christmas after all, if God is willing to help us celebrate it!

What does Christmas stand for?

Christian
Holy Day
Reminder of the
Incarnation
Suddenly
Turning to a
Materialistic
Atheistic
Sell-ebration (or should that be Cellar-bration?)

Making room for Jesus

On Sunday we were talking about Advent - the season of making room in our lives for Jesus. I couldn't help laughing - I mean, we are a church which is not having a service on Christmas Day! How can we talk about making room for God and making God a priority without even putting aside one day for Him? As Dean pointed out, it is rather like churches closing for everyone to have Easter holidays. I can't help thinking it is a sign of our times that going to the beach is more important than thinking about Jesus' incarnation.

The argument has certainly been made (sometimes by me) that we are not bound by legalism to be there every time the church doors are open, and this is certainly true. It is also true that we are not bound by the law to celebrate Jesus on any particular day, and that we should be grateful to Him every day. Even so, I think not to even have the option of gathering with other Christians on what is usually considered the second-biggest day of the Christian calendar (after Easter), well what is the church for?

If the church is not to gather and worship and encourage one another and re-tell the stories of our faith - why have a church at all? What are we doing if we do not celebrate Christ's coming into our world, which is after all the very day which made Easter possible?

Christmas reflections

I am sorry to have to be so sceptical about Christmas, but it seems to be an ever more meaningless holiday with too much food and too little thought or genuine good-will. The closing of churches on Christmas seems to just be the last straw. This quote from Benjamin Franklin seems to sum it up rather well:

How many observe Christ's birthday! How few, his precepts! O! 'tis easier to keep Holidays than Commandments.

Sadly, this is the truth. I was writing some thoughts in church on Sunday and I couldn't help feeling a little bitter and cynical. It seems that no-one really wants presents, and no-one really wants to give them either, but everyone does from a sense of obligation, and accumulates more clutter. Lots of people don't like fruit cake, or ham, or even turkey, but they eat it because it is "the done thing".

When even Christians don't want to make time to go to church on Christmas Day, what hope is there that God is a real priority for anyone?

Thesis time again!

Oh dear. It is thesis time again, commitment time again. Do I enrol and try to get this wretched thing written, or put it off for another semester? I am still totally uninspired for topics, with only mild interest in three:

- doctors and drug company advertising (conflict of interest)
- conflicts between families and staff in management of children
- doctors obligations to rescue, emergencies, not on duty, etc.

- maybe euthanasia? abortion? these topics are always done to death, so to speak.

Can't say I feel red-hot to write thousands of words on any of the above, and I have to finish because under the new College guidelines a higher degree "progress report" is not long sufficient. In order to meet the requirements you have to finish the thing! I wonder if I just got on a did it, just to get a passing grade, if that would be enough? But I'm a straight HD student so far, and it seems a pity to ruin it - besides, I think it could be really interesting if I could just get inspired!

Christmas on a Sunday

Interestingly, I have been involved in lots of discussions around whether or not to have a Christmas service when Christmas Day falls on a Sunday. As we are under grace, I would not say that church is ever "compulsory" and while gathering together is important, I would not say that any particular day is mandatory to be in church either. That said, my preference would be to have a Christmas service on Christmas Day; when the Lord's Day falls on His (observed) birthday, surely that is twice the reason to celebrate! I always think that Christmas carols sound so much more meaningful when today really is the day that Christ was born!

Strangely enough, it never occurred to me that this discussion would be anything but theoretical. I never doubted that Solace would celebrate both the Sunday and the Christmas Day. Now, all of sudden, we are not. I was rather shocked and disappointed, and now I feel somewhat at a loose end. I guess it's the old it could never happen to me feeling.

Maybe I'm being selfish. I see that it is certainly a lot of work to put together both a Christmas Eve and a Christmas Day service, especially when not that many people will come (I presume). But surely the emphasis should not be on how many are there, but the quality of what happens for those who are there? It is not as if we even have a proper sermon which would need writing - I would be happy just to sing (more) carols with a CD if necessary. I guess it is too late now, but I would have been happy to help organize a Christmas Day service - maybe I should have offered.

Some of the comments made on other blogs about this have been very thought provoking, both on Ben Witherington's blog and Jesus Creed in particular. The one which struck me the most was from Ben Witherington:

Can you imagine these same churches announcing they were closing on Easter so people could spend time with their families? Would you willingly miss your own child's birthday? Why would you miss the birthday celebration of the birth of God' only begotten Son?

All good points, and though I don't want to be legalistic about it, I feel like I am grieving a missed opportunity to celebrate and rejoice in Jesus' presence in our world. Still, there's always next year!

"Irreconcilable Differences" takes 2nd prize!

I went to the opening night of my play last night! It was so strange and somewhat amazing to think that those eight people worked on what I wrote for weeks, and then produced it - more or less the way I imagined it. Some of it was a little different, some better, some not so good, but the main thoughts were there. It was a little weird to hear my thoughts coming out of other people's mouths!

Most of the actors did well, especially Helen and Amber in the roles of the two main girls and Paul and Bill as the two main guys. I was glad that they played that characters like "real people". It was important to me that everyone was represented as taking a reasonable position, and no-one turned into a Bible-thumping caricature. (I wa a bit concerned about what a non-Christian director and non-Christian actors might turn it all into.) The girl who played Tanya did even better than I imagined - she turned a bit part into a real comedy piece! Unfortunately, the final speeches by Vivian and Brett let the side down a bit - if I had realized how the actors would play it, I might have cut the last scene. Still, on the whole I was reasonably pleased with the overall effect - though I notice that they did edit me a bit as they went along.

In the final wash-up, I won $150 for 2nd prize! I was pretty pleased with that - first attempt and everything! They play which won first prize was a better script (though I still think I had better substance) but the acting unfortunately sabotaged the performance. The actors had to read the script, since it all happened at such short notice, but one of them looked like she had never even read the script before! Her stumbling and stuttering really ruined what would otherwise have been a very witty dialogue. The others were OK, but reading always lacks spark and movement. It was a real shame, because it would have been great to see it as the author intended. I felt sorry for him to be sitting there watching his script get butchered like that.

Afterwards, someone suggested that I give the script to Christian university students to perform as a piece to stimulate thought and discussion on the topic of homosexuality in the church. I might at that, but the script needs some re-drafting first. Seeing it actually performed on stage made me realize why play scripts need to be workshopped! So many parts I would change around and tweak into better shape now that I have seen it in glorious living colour! It was a great night though, no denying it - I might even do it again next year!

Divine assurance...

Just back from holidays in Tahiti (yay!) and one of the things I love about holidays is catching up on my reading. I was reading a book (pure fantasy mental popcorn, nothing deep) and one of the characters said something to another which I found very relevant:

I love you. I don't blame you. I love you and I will never leave you.

Not too profound maybe, but I started thinking; wouldn't the world be a better place if everyone could hear that every day?

Then I started thinking that these words could calm and reassure the insecure, stabilize the unsteady, heal the hurting and wounded and provide a firm and secure base from which to do great deeds of love and personal sacrifice.

Then I thought that all Christians already have this assurance, if only we will read God's Word to us and believe it! We are loved, we are guilt-free, we are valued and never alone! What fantastic assurance we have, and after we die it only gets better! This is the stuff I want to tell everyone - these ideas could change the world, if only people would believe them. I suppose the sticking point is that faith which has to be given before we can truly know God. So, more prayer for faith to be given is in order. For those who already know this truth, it is good to be reminded again:

God loves you. In His eyes you are perfectly guilt-free and lovely. He loves you just as you are and will never leave you in this life or after.

How's that for Divine assurance?

Learning to Listen

This morning at church we were doing a rather strange activity (which doesn't matter) and while we were doing it we were listening to readings and praise music. I started looking around the room at people working and noticing how they were responding or not to the readings. Many were just working and ignoring the readings (as far as I could tell), some were not working at all but just sitting and listening to the readings, some were listening and working at the same time.

The man next to me who was just visiting for the day was neither working nor listening, but just seemed to be sitting and waiting for the service to be over so that he could leave. He had his arms folded and though there was great wisdom coming to us from the front, and creativity to be had with a little personal application, he was choosing to have neither.

Since he wasn't listening anyway, I engaged him in conversation and asked him why he was here anyway - fair question I thought, since he obviously wasn't into doing stuff with us nor listening to our sources of inspiration. He rather plaintively asked me if we are "always like this" and when we have the "real" service - the one with Bible readings and a sermon and hymns. I chatted with him a while about Solace, how we work and what we are like - and that we don't really have those kinds of services, ever. I told him he was welcome to visit as much as he liked, but that if he was looking for traditional systematic Bible teaching he might like to look elsewhere. He seemed rather relieved by this permission.

This all raised in my mind the issue of listening. Listening to those around us - how did I know that he wasn't listening to the readings? Listening to the wisdom in front of us - how can we learn from experience otherwise? Listening to the Holy Spirit - more than anything I think this is a learned skill. Similar to learning to listen for someone's leading when dancing, listening to the Holy Spirit is hard to do and takes practice. I think I probably only here the Spirit intermittently, but increasing practice has helped.

I think the main thing I have learned about the Spirit is that He speaks in so many ways. Sometimes a "voice" or a vision, sometimes through the Word, sometimes through other people, through a sermon or a song, sometimes just an idea, sometimes it just happens. One of my most profound encounters with the Holy Spirit working through me I didn't even realize until afterwards! At the time it just seemed the coincidental flow of events. Truly, He works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform!

Rights of the fetus?

Once again this issue arises from the murk to confront us. I was thinking about a case which happened a while ago, where a woman pestered the surgeons into doing her C-Section at 35 weeks so that she could go to her sister's wedding. I couldn't believe they would do it, and even in retrospect I am still amazed that she could find a surgeon to do this.

To me, it seems unethical in the extreme to risk another person's life for a small social convenience. She could still have gone to wedding pregnant, after all. It was purely her own vanity and convenience that wanted the baby out of her and in the nursery for someone else to care for!

Of course, the baby suffered with respiratory distress and needed to be transferred to another hospital and ended up on a ventilator for a few days to stabilize his breathing. Oh yes, during this time she went to the wedding.

I asked the O&G guys how they could live with themselves (not quite in so many words of course) and was even more amazed and horrified at their answer. Since the baby is fetus, it has no rights. So if a mother requests a C-section early it is not a matter of weighing up the risk to the baby against her convenience. There is no consideration given to the baby's needs, if the mother does not advocate for it. The baby has no rights as an independent person at all!

I probably should not be surprised, since we practically have abortion on demand in this country. Women are still required to show that having the baby would "damage" them in some way, but since the range of damage accepted includes economic and social, this is not very difficult. After all, no-one can argue that having a baby is financially advantageous!

Technically, the baby is not a "person" until the moment the cord is cut. At that moment is becomes legally its own separate person with all the rights and protections from the state that any person can expect.

And yet, a fetus does have some legal existence. One child I have been seeing is receiving compensation from damages sustained from a car accident while in utero. It was obviously enough of a legal entity to receive compensation, yet if the mother had decided to terminate it she probably would have been legally entitled to do so. So a baby's life depends completely on its parents acting as its advocates. If they do not, no one else will, or in fact can. What a strange society we live in!

To Whom do we listen?

I have been listening to CS Lewis's "Narnia Chronicles" on audio-book. One of the good things about working in the country is that I get to listen to lots of music and literature as I drive! One part of "Prince Caspian" struck a spark in my mind:

Aslan is talking to Susan about why she couldn't see him. He says "Daughter, you have listened to your fears. Do so no longer."

I began thinking about this - listening to our fears instead of listening to God. I wonder if part of the reason we struggle with doubt is that we listen to the voices around us instead of standing on God's Word. Most of us can quote lots of reassuring verses and promises about how God is in control, how God works all things together for our good, how God will make all things right in His time. Yes, we know the words all right - but do we really believe them? As soon as we are alone or with friends, the doubts come: am I really doing the right thing? Should I just take things into my own hands? Should I prepare for the worst? I don't want to stretch out in faith because I'm frightened of what might happen. It is all about fear, listening to the voice of the fears over the voice of God.

The worst part is that God won't force us, or make us keep our word to Him. If we choose to trust ourselves and our bank accounts and our own wisdom and worldly advisors, He will let us go our own way. We are the losers when we fail to trust in Love and instead listen to Fear. Where do we place our trust? To whom do we listen? I know I have listened many times to the voice of Fear; I want to do so no longer.

Detachment

I was reading some interesting stories on another medical blog: www.ahyesmedschool.blogspot.com and I started thinking about detachment. One person wrote to the blogger "Do they teach you detachment in medical school?" to which I immediately thought "They should!". The blogger actually replied that no, in med school we learn to be sensitive, communicative, respectful, touchy-feely types. Which, of course, just makes it worse when we become real doctors and have to see more patients than we can handle, deal with death, dying and lawsuits, see outcomes and life events we would rather not and generally get slammed with all that goes with handling issues of life and death.

Some of us overload and drop out, some have breakdowns, some stress out and take it out on their partners and family. The rest of us learn detachment. I think detachment comes with realizing that it is not all your fault, that you can't make it all better, that you can't even make it as good as possible because little things like money get in the way. Detachment is learning to leave it at the hospital door when you leave. I suppose patients think detachment is a bad thing - I keep hearing how doctors don't empathize enough and aren't available enough to patients. I think the reality is that we have to have enough sense of self to have some patient-free time in our lives.

Some patients do follow you home. After running a resus (especially one that fails) it does stay in your mind. Knowing a mother is about to bring a lawsuit against you does pop into the head at odd moments, even if the case it totally unjustified and everyone tells you not to worry about it. Worrying is part of being a doctor.

I think it is the old balance problem. How to be sensitive and empathetic and sympathetic, and yet how to hold yourself far enough away that all their problems don't become your problems. I wonder if this is why there is such a culture of anger in medicine? (I sometimes think it is because of the male dominated nature of medicine as well.) It is acceptable to rant and rave and complain about the patient's family, about the hospital system and the government. It is acceptable to be angry with incompetent referrals from the ED, even to yell at the resident on the phone. It is somehow not acceptable for the doctor to cry, to admit to feeling guilty, or inadequate or even inexperienced in some circumstances.

Doctors are under pressure to be inhumanly perfect, inexhaustible and altruistic. When we fail these expectations we are branded flawed, faulty, greedy, selfish - usually to the tune of several million dollars. Ah yes, medical student, you will be walking a fine line, and the conversion from Fake Doctor to Real Doctor is by walking through the refining fire of responsibility. Don't wish for it too soon.

No reason

The autopsy showed nothing. No reason why a perfectly healthy baby with a normal heart and normal lungs and a normal response to labour should suddenly be born dead. The blood tests showed nothing, the X-rays showed nothing. Why, why, why?

My play

My play has been selected to be a finalist in the Booroondara Playwright Competition 2005! Out of all the plays submitted, mine is in the top three and is going to be staged in December! I can't believe it! My scribblings, my thoughts and feelings, my words are going to be acted out by people on stage - I am apprehensive and excited all at once. It doesn't really matter if I win or not - I've won already by getting this far with my first script!

Funny coincidence - I put in my biography that I was inspired to write a play after seeing Helen perform in the finalist plays last year. Helen put in her bio that she auditioned because I wrote a play! Strangely, she will be starring in my play as one of the leading characters. It will be so weird to hear her saying lines I have written.

I hope no-one is offended or upset, but I would like to make people think. I mean, homosexuality in the church is a pretty "hot" topic, so I suppose anything I say is going to be controversial, but I really hope the actors don't turn my characters into caricatures. Every point of view presented by the seven characters is one I believe in and know people who hold them in all seriousness. The point I really wanted to make is that all POV are valid and there is something to be said for them, and I wanted to say it!

Death of a baby

Last night I ran the resuscitation effort for a baby who died. This was my first time being in charge and directing the resuscitation efforts, and responsible for the outcome. The baby was well during the labour and there were no hints ahead of time that there was any problem. All the ultrasounds were normal, and as far as anyone knew this would be a routine, happy, normal delivery.

The baby was born still, pale and not breathing. She had a very slow heart rate, which bag and mask ventilation did not improve. I arrived about six minutes later, and nothing had improved. I intubated the baby, and with the improved ventilation the heart rate improved somewhat, but there was no improvement in colour or responsiveness. We rushed the baby to the nursery, with only a word to the mother to imply that all was not well, but we were doing our best.

For a further 90 minutes we did our best - we gave fluid, sugar, blood, bicarbonate, adrenaline and when nothing worked, we gave it all again, and again. Every time we stopped the CPR there would be a transient heart beat which fell away, and stopped. Finally it became obvious that nothing we were doing was making any difference, so we stopped. The parents were called in to hold their child briefly. The baby was declared dead five minutes later.

I suppose this is part of medicine too. Trying and failing. Death is common at the extremes of life, and sometimes these things happen. Life isn't fair. I can't help wondering - was it my fault? Is there anything I should have done differently, or more, or better? Platitudes aside, I really did do my best. I hope the post-mortem finds a reason - everyone feels better when there is a reason for something like this.

Living with a Mezuzah

Well, here we are in Ballarat. We are in a small (but newly renovated) flat in the middle of the car park. I think the flats used to be on the other side of the car park from the hospital, but the car park has been extended around them so that we are surrounded on all sides by cars.

Whoever lived here at some stage before us was Jewish, and installed a mezuzah on the door frame of the bedroom door. I was prompted to do some reading about mezuzahs and what they are and what they are for, and why they are on that funny angle. It seems to me that more than anything they are a reminder that God is there - touching them while walking in and out of the doorway is a reminder that God sees our every going in and out, and watches everything which passes the threshold. I decided that I could use our mezuzah as a reminder of God's presence in my life (I hope this does not seem sacreligious to anyone).

So I have been touching the mezuzah every time I walk in or out of our bedroom, and it really does have an effect. God seems closer, more involved in my life and I think about or to Him several times a day - not really prayers, nothing so formed as that, but just acknowledging the presence of God. Somehow, it seems more like He cares about my everyday life, though I think it is mostly an awareness effect in me - I'm more aware of God, rather than Him being more present. Interesting, and I think I'll keep doing it.

Giving opportunity...

I have recently realized that I have been in slavery to money for quite a long time and didn't even know it! I had always given lip service to the idea that we are under Grace, not law, and that giving should be generous and not limited to one-tenth of our income, etc, etc. In practice I have always given 10% and not more - so who is under the law?

Solace recently sent out an email about our (bad) financial situation. My first thought was that I already give my 10% so I shouldn't be expected to give more. My second thought was - why not? If Solace were to fail, would I be satisfied that I had done my best? If Solace is something I really believe in, why shouldn't I give more? If Solace needs another 40% on top of current giving, why shouldn't I be part of that?

Then I realized that this is really an opportunity for me. I'm at a stage of my life when I have few fixed commitments, no dependents, we are both working full-time, so any extra giving will come out of our disposable income and not our rent or mortgage payments. There will be no better time to support a church than now, and no better church to support! If the need is there, why shouldn't I be one of those who meets it?

It was only then that I realized that this email was not a request, but an opportunity for me to break the chains of my habits of thought and exercise my freedom! I know the truth now, and I am free!

Remaking course

Last night was the Remaking course, and once again I have come away with "The Wisdom of Liz". I think the reason I find her insights so helpful is that she is so different from me - everything I would like to be, but am not. She said:

I have failed at many things in my life, but that doesn't matter with God.

I realized that this is so true! Sounds easy, but so many times in life we are judged on the basis of what we do, what we produce, how much we earn, etc. "Performance" is the bottom line nearly all the time, even in the church. When we fail at something, it is not just about failing that one thing, but also about acceptance, status, competence, self-esteem - there are so many issues caught up in one failure! It is reassuring to think that God is the one person who doesn't care. He can (and does) love us just as we are, even before we acknowledged His existance. More Wisdom of Liz to follow, when I find the paper I wrote it on!

Church History

Church history is fascinating! I can't believe I never read any before! It is also so useful, since seeing the grand scope of the history of the church puts the current issues in context. Seeing how previous generations of the church dealt with some issues helps see how we might come through ours, and also gives me hope that God is there in the process. It is also very helpful in understanding other denominations, like the Catholic/Orthodox split, or the uses of icons in the Orthodox church.

One of the best parts was the explanation of how the system of penances and indulgences came about. I still think it is shonky theology, but now I can see how the need arose for "sinners" to be accepted back into the church and how a mechanism was needed to do this (penances) and how since saints were so holy they might be able to spare some for those in need, for a price (indulgences). I'm sure this is a dreadful simplification of the issues, but the emotional need is obvious - how to deal with sin after baptism?

It is also very reassuring to see how God has guided the church through some of the great dilemmas of past ages. Some of the early heresies could have lead to the downfall of Christianity if they had taken over or been written into the Creeds. God has guided the church through the collapse of the Roman Empire, which must have seemed at the time to be the end of the world, and through many other crises since, and we're still here! This sense of continuity is very important - we need to hold hands with the past in order to reach forward into the future. If we forget where we have been, we will circle back and end up in the same troubles! We also don't want to forget some of the great truths which have been learned in previous generations. Most of all, we want to be part of the great and ongoing community of Christians everywhere throughout time! Our family still includes those members who have "fallen asleep" and we don't want to forget them, or what they taught us of God.

I have heard it described as three sides of a triangle: God's revelations through the Holy Spirit, the teachings and wisdom of the Bible, the accumulated wisdom and revelation of the church (tradition). I suppose the Orthodox are the best at tradition, though the Catholics are big in this area as well. The Pentecostals have the corner on the Holy Spirit, and the Evangelicals the Bible. I suppose Anglicans are a blend of Bible and tradition. I wonder what a church would look like which managed to hold all three in balance, and listen to the voice of God through all?

Getting back to basics

Read this while surfing today at http://www.signposts.org.au/

The persecuted church strips its faith to a simplicity of Jesus is my Lord and Saviour and I cling to Him. This was true for the early church and for the current church in China and some other places. How do we in the Western world strip down to the simple power of “Jesus is my Lord and Saviour and I cling to Him”?

Interesting point. I think the Orthodox would have a lot to say about this. We are the "Protest-ant" church have a lot of experience in nit-picking each other and protesting against when we see others have got it wrong. We split off according to convictions of one sort or another, and redefine each other out of the faith. I read another quote (I think Brian McLaren again) along the lines of "If the Bible does not yield its best to someone looking for a verse to beat his brother over the head with, then we have done a lot of people a disservice."

If only we could strip back the complex garments of our faith system and theology and get back to the basics of faith underneath. If only we could look past the differences of those dressed in different faith garments and see the same faith beating underneath - Jesus is my Lord and Saviour and I cling to Him.

I'm not depressed, but...

I am not depressed. I have never experienced that deep sickness of the soul which makes everything look black, that altered brain chemistry which in no way resembles what most people mean when it is raining and they look out and say "Oh, that's so depressing". I've seen that pit of despair, and what I feel in no way equates with that.

This morning I looked around our flat and realized that I hate it. I really hate this place, this small, cramped, messy apartment with stuff everywhere. I realize most of the stuff is mine, and that I wouldn't feel this way if I could clean up a bit. I started, but then felt hopelessly overwhelmed with the magnitude and pointlessness of the task. If I clean it up, bitter experience has showed that it will just re-accumulate.

Then I realized that it is not just the apartment that I hate - it's my life. When did work and study take over so that I never see friends? When did we stop socializing with anyone? When did I get stuck in this life? I wanted to do something dramatic, something to either change my life or destroy it. I got a wild urge to sign a contract to buy a house, quit my job, leave home, walk under a bus - anything to change something! I finally realized what people who OD might be thinking. When I ask them "why did you do this?" They often say "I don't know, but it has to have been better than this!" People who have nothing to lose can do anything, since anything would be better than where they are.

Then again, I do have lots to lose and lots to live for. I'm not going to kill myself or anything like that - I'm just tired of the daily grind, and need some new coffee - hah. (Since I don't drink coffee, that's a joke.) I'm looking forward to Ballarat - at least it will be a change and a chance to start again in a new place.

Monday irritability?

Actually, I don't think it was about working on a Sunday after all - maybe I'm just becoming an angry person. Or maybe I always was an angry person, but am only now realizing it. Unsettling thought. I'm not sure if this is the conviction of the Holy Spirit or just an unpleasant insight. What a drag. Knowing this means that I am going to have to work (hard work) on changing it. I don't feel like changing. I'm tired. Sometimes I just think I'm tired of caring.

A few nights ago I was working late (the resident was sick and the cover very inexperienced) so I felt that I had to tidy everything up as much as possible before leaving. Two hours after finishing time (15 hours from starting time) I was just exhausted. All day talking, explaining, thinking, making decisions, explaining those decisions, giving mini-medical educations, etc. Usually I like the educational aspects of my job, but last week I was just tired out. The last family of the day was anxious, concerned about their child (fair enough I don't blame them for that) but the child was clearly quite well and in the resolution phase of the illness. They were insisting on coming into hospital, which in my opinion would expose them to much more illness (hospitals being full of sick people) and would take the child out of her home environment and would expose her to treatments and procedures which she didn't need, and which would be a waste of resources on an essentially well child.

I almost got started explaining all of that, and thought "why bother?". If they want to come into hospital let them. I don't get paid any more for standing here arguing with them, and anyway, why should I care more about the health of their child than they do? Let them have what they want, they'll be happy, and I can go home. I can see why lots of GPs just hand over the antibiotics - much quicker than educating everyone, and you get lots of happy customers. The last parent I spent nearly an hour on educating and teaching how to rehydrate her child in the comfort of her own home ended up saying "lot of good you are!" on her way out, when it became obvious I thought she should take her child home.

People seem to think the hospital is some magic place which if only they can get into it, all their problems will be over. So many times I hear "but you must know" or "there must be something you can do". The days of the pax antibiotica are nearly over. The real threats to health are no longer curable with a tablet - viruses and lifestyle diseases will kill the majority of the patients I see these days. The fears of pneumonia and sepsis are overblown. Their days are over. We can and do treat these, even TB and leprosy are yielding. The days of AIDS and SARS and bird 'flu and Hepatitis Q are coming, not to mention heart disease, obesity, cancer and dementia. People are kidding themselves if they think that giving more money to medical research can save them from these.

More and more these days I think medicine is fighting a losing battle, if the idea is to save life. Medicine can offer pain relief, limited palliation and a small hope to wield in the face of the idea that we are all dying. Our only hope for eternal life lies with God, not medicine. Sometimes I wish I could be a minister instead of a doctor, and do work of eternal significance, rather than this piecemeal patching up of bodies so that people can go on living the way they have always done, and which made them sick in the first place. Does that sound too cynical? I suppose it does, but sometimes I am just too tired to care...

Sunday irritability

I really don't like working Sundays. Selfishly, I can't help thinking about where I would rather be, what I would rather be doing. This is worst on Sundays, but also noticable on public holidays, everyone is a bit down thinking that the rest of the world is having a good time while we have to work.

Today I was extremely busy, and some of the patients were quite sick, and it was Sunday, and ... well, I just didn't control my temper. :( One of the ED residents paged me three times in less than ten minutes, then had me voice paged through the overhead PA system to call Emergency. Heart racing, I dropped everything and called ED - to discover that the resident wanted to remind me to see a baby with diarrhoea. I tore a long, bloody strip off her over the phone, then hung up. I felt so guilty afterwards - she had been inappropriate, but I wouldn't normally respond that way. I don't know why some people do this routinely - I felt terrible!

I have been thinking for a while that I am too "approachable", which encourages juniors to ring and just chat, instead of working up a child properly and giving a concise summary and plan. I wanted to encourage them to think for themselves more, to apply what they already know, but I don't think this is necessarily the best way to achieve that. I don't want to make them afraid to call me, as I remember being, but it does provide a certain incentive. Maybe surgical registrars are onto a good thing after all.

The remaining question is what I should do about it now? I went and saw the child and sent him home (as I knew I would) but the resident is avoiding me, and I'm allowing it. I think she should apologize to me, she undoubtedly feels the same. I know that I was right and she was inappropriate - she would never do that to an ortho reg! But in the interests of Christian reconciliation maybe I should apologize anyway, even though I don't think I was wrong? Or would that negate the points I wanted to make to her in the first place? Tricky...

The Last Word, and the Word After That...

Brian McLaren has terrible taste in titles for his books, but they are interesting nonetheless. I am about half-way through this one, and I admit I'm finding it pretty disturbing at times - BDM seems very keen to tear away everything I thought I knew about Christianity, and I find the process rather frightening. I keep asking myself "could this be true?" and "if it is, what does it all mean?" It is more of this moving into complexity which I'm not sure I need right now.

I mean, I got used to the idea that "heaven" as I've previously thought of it probably doesn't exist, and that we will all live in the "New Heaven and New Earth". The transition wasn't that hard really - trading one hard to imagine eternity for another hard to imagine eternity.

But if hell doesn't exist either? This will change how I think about God, evangelism, faith, Christianity, everything really. The new way will not have some of the problems of the old, but I don't know if I'm really ready for it. I'm not sure I understand the old way yet! Clearly there is a lot of thought and study still to be done on this topic, but I have a feeling it is important work...

Still thinking about beggars...

That Good Samaritan story from a week or so ago still has me thinking. What really is the best way to respond to beggars? Am I willing to turn away some genuine cases, just because I know that not all cases are genuine? I can't know what the percentage is - call it 30% - am I willing to give a little to the non-genuine ones in order to do good a minority of the time?

What about the others? It must take a pretty broken-down person to sit behind a sign asking others for money, even if you do have a place to sleep and food to eat. What about the story of the manager who said "I'm too proud to beg" - I think I would have to sink a long way to take that path myself. How needy does someone have to be in order to be "genuine" anyway? What about those who are "undeserving"? Is their need any less because of that? If they've spent their last dollars on cigarettes or drugs, that doesn't make them any less likely to starve without food!

I had a thought - what about vouchers? Coles certainly has them, and a wide range of items are available from Coles, not just food. Maybe that would be a better way of giving, without helping someone with a drug habit. Seeing a beggar throw away food changed the way I think about this whole issue - obviously food isn't the only need, maybe not even the main one. (It also made me quite cynical for a while, but I don't think this the attitude that Jesus would want me to have. He said to give to everyone who asks, so I just need to find a practical way of carrying that out. Coles is available pretty much everywhere, including in the city, so maybe that would work?

Passing the peace

Today at church we did something I haven't done in a long time, and I was so touched by the symbolism of it which I had never really appreciated before. We "passed the peace" shaking hands and wishing other members of the congregation well, saying "The peace of the Lord be with you." I had never really thought about those words before, but the peace of the Lord is a profound wish for someone. I really wish Dean understood it.

Christians and work

Once again it has come to my attention at work that the thing we Christians are famous for, is not being willing to work Sundays. This is our defining feature, this is what we are known for? There is something seriously wrong here.

I remember a while ago St Hil's was talking about becoming a church which was known for its ability to pray. The Quakers were famous for keeping their word without oaths, promises or contracts (or was it the Shakers?). The Amish were famous for their dedication to living God's way as they understood it. We are famous for - wait for it - refusing to help out when asked. :(

I am reluctant to take this up with the person concerned, partly because I feel it will be viewed as whinging on my part, but also because I know it will look self-interested and interfering. If she refuses to work extra days, who has to do them? So I am hardly disinterested in this conversation. And, yet, as an "older" Christian, I wonder, do I have a duty to mention something? It sounds so condescending, and I don't think she'll listen, but does that absolve me of the duty to try? Or is it none of my business anyway? As long as I can say "no" when she asks me to work all her Sundays, should I even try to stop her asking others? So far I have not, but I still feel a vague sense that I should...

Hubris

It has taken me over five years to truly admit that I am a sinful person. I always knew I was a falling-short-of-the-goal and no-one-is-perfect sinner - I didn't have a problem admitting that, but I never realized before that I am a wilfully-going-my-own-way-and-ignoring-God kind of sinner. The serving-two-masters kind, who knows best what is best her own life, regardless of what God says is best. The rebellious-heart, hardened-spirit kind of sinner - the real kind.

CS Lewis wrote that:

"The first step is realizing that you are proud. If you don't think you are proud, then you are very proud indeed."

Five and a half (probably closer to six and half) years on, I realized what he meant. I knew what I wanted for my own life, and I decided to get it, even knowing that God didn't want me to make this choice. I have deluded myself for years, saying that I was a young Christian then, that I had lots of conflicting advice, that I didn't know what the Bible meant or how to read it. Those things may all be more or less true, but the bottom line is that I knew God didn't want me to choose this life for myself, and I did it anyway.

Why? Out of fear, I suppose. Fear of missing out, of letting go of something good. Lack of trust that God would provide something better. Lack of trust that obedience is the best way. Lack of trust in God, and fear that the world could offer something better that God didn't want me to have. So, I thought I could have it both ways - choose for myself and repent afterwards. Go my own way, and hope that God would make it right later. Rebel in the sure knowledge of forgiveness and reconciliation. I think this is what it called "trampling on God's grace" or "cheap grace". I had never applied those words to myself before.

So now what? Here I am, an acknowledged sinner, who needs forgiveness. Nothing has really changed, it's just that I'm more aware of it. I want to repent, and I can understand the grief that tears its clothes and pours ashes on its head. I want to do penance - fasting or suffering somehow to show God my sincerity. And yet, would any of those things help? I don't think so. I can't earn forgiveness (much as I would like to) and I can't change the past. I live with the consequences of my sin daily, and God is here too. He suffers for my bad choices with me - how unfair is that? And yet a great comfort, for who else is there to turn to? Broken down, with no pride left, I come back empty handed and say "You were right, I was wrong. Forgive me. Help me. Only You can make it right." And so I pray, and wait...

The strange incident of the fish in the night-time

A few weeks ago, one of the nurses left a message on my windshield, asking where I had bought my Christian “fish” symbol on the back of my car. (I bought it for totally the wrong reasons, primarily defiance and because I could, since I knew Dean would not approve – hardly an auspicious beginning.) So I bought her one from the same shop in the city, and took it to work and gave it to her. No big deal, or so I thought. She seemed very shy about letting anyone know what it was. (I thought it was just me that got embarrassed about being too “out there” with my faith.) So we managed the whole exchange without ever mentioning what it was that we were talking about, or showing it to anyone.

I went home that night rather sad – I think we missed an opportunity to show people that Christians are around, are normal people, are part of the workplace. We both wear crosses, but I don’t know if anyone really notices. The next morning I went to work resolved to do better.

One of the nurses from the night before said to me “So what was it that you gave Lorrie last night? She never showed us?” And my chance was before me – I tried not to blow it, not to sound overly eager, nor too self-conscious, just natural as if this were a normal part of life. I said “Oh it was a bumper sticker of a fish I got for Lorrie from a Christian bookshop in the city.” (Not bad, I thought.) Then the nurse got that expression on her face which reminds me of why I don’t generally do this kind of witnessing. She looked like I had mentioned something indecent in public, but was too polite to bring this to my attention. She quickly excused herself and walked off, leaving me thinking “Was I right? Was my judgement better last night, when neither of us said anything? And yet, why should Christianity be the one thing we can’t admit to in public?

The Good Samaritan

On Sunday we did this parable again - I always find it hard to think about the Good Samaritan. I guess I don't really understand the point of it - it seems to set such an unreasonable standard. There is no way I can even meet the needs of those of my immediate acquaintance and family, let alone beggars and strangers on the street!

We had a lot of discussion about beggars, but didn't really come to any conclusions. I think this is an issue that everyone struggles with - is it about money? Are they genuine? Are they drug users? Should we give food? Is that patronizing? What about homelessness? What about mental health? What about offering a job instead? What about pregnant women?

I still don't know what to think about it all, but I will admit to becoming more cynical about this issue. Every time I walk into the city, I am approached for money (I obviously look like a soft touch). I used to give something to everyone, but then I have seen them spending it on (to my mind) frivolous things. Then for a while I gave food, but then I saw some of them taking it and throwing it away, and I have heard that food is often not the main issue anyway.

So should I go back to giving money? What about drugs and alcoholism? What about the guy in the park or the one who lives in the bus stop across the street? He is clearly homeless, but spends all his money on booze (usually white wine) - do I want to support that? I don't know - somehow it seems like an unsatisfactory cop-out to give them a $2 coin and forget about it, but I really don't know what else to do?

Mum? Are you there?

Got the fright of my life yesterday, when I received an email marked "Mom" from my blog. Then I realized that my mother really could be reading my blog (though in fact as far as I know she doesn't). I don't know why I felt so weird about that. My Mum knows me really well, and we have (nearly) always got along well. Makes me realize all over again that you never know who is reading you. I wonder if those who know me IRL (in real life) would agree with how I see myself and therefore how I present myself online? I'm probably a lot less thoughtful than this blog makes out! After all, being a journal of my thoughts, it makes it look as if all I do is think and write!

Getting on with it...

So, after a week of being self-indulgent and not doing anything in particular, life goes on. Work continues, job applications need to be written, essays and journals have been submitted, graduation applied for. (Note for thesis - do not write in passive voice.)

I still feel strange, though. I had three weeks of looking forward to being a mother - three weeks of thinking of us as a "family" - now we are a couple again. There is less pressure, but also less focus. For a while I was highly oriented to the future and the long-term, now it all seems less important.

Interestingly, the process of telling people has raised the name of God on lots of lips where I never expected it. Everyone suddenly seems privy to "God's will" and is telling me all about it. Odd, because I never thought most of them even acknowledged His existance - unless they are just doing lip service to my belief, which is also possible.

God and I are on speaking terms again, though I don't have much to say. I find the prayers of Julian of Norwich comforting again - all shall be well. I don't know how, or when, but I know God is in control. I just have to wait - not that I have much choice anyway! There is something relaxing about the world being in God's hands - ultimately, all will be well and I don't have to struggle, don't have to understand, just leave it in His hands.

Obviously I am in a "simplicity" phase at the moment, or I would be struggling anyway! Funny, I would have thought an event like this would tip me straight into complexity and questioning and speculating about ultimate truth, but right now, against all expectation, I'm content to rest and trust in His plan.

Writing from the heart

I have started creative writing again - it is like a safety valve for the thoughts which fill my head and heart. I just have too much "stuff" in there, and I wanted to get some of it out where I can look at it in black and white. So I wrote a play in which all the characters have something to say which comes from my heart, and they can argue and yell and say all the things which I am too polite and inhibited to say. They can cry and scream and be rude to one another, and sometimes they can hold one another and make it all better.

Strangely, I tried to write a happy ending, and it just didn't work. I have tried several different endings and none of them work. I am afraid that the only possible ending is a sad one, in which people go their separate ways because they are unable to find reconciliation. I don't know if this is just a failure of imagination on my part, but when I wrote the happy endings (two versions so far) Dean just said it was obviously fantasy and totally implausible. I'm sorry that a happy ending can't be found. Maybe it's a bit like the speculation about the universe - we live not in the best of worlds or the worst of worlds, but the only possible world.

Open or Closed?

Olivia said something about being open to people, open to love, open to possibilities also means being open to being hurt. Being closed to the possibility of pain necessarily means being closed to others and closed to relationships. I wonder if this is why many religions have a celibate clergy? Insulated from the cuts and pains of family life and the pulls and pushes of relationships they are free to love God and love everyone equally. Free from partiality they can give generously to everyone who comes with needs and demands to their doors, and give absolution, advice and scripture quotes, then close the door at the end of the day. I wonder if this is why the Catholic nun's advice which I sought in University seemed so flavourless? She gave me her time generously, but never really seemed to engage with me, engage with my issues or understand my struggles, or even why they were important. Barb's blog had a quoted poem on a similar theme:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feeling is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd, is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But the risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.
Only a person who risks – is free.

Maybe this is why I think we should have married clergy, female clergy, part-time clergy who also work in the "real" world. Only then can they know how God seems to us, and can teach us how to see God in the everyday world we inhabit. Then maybe we will all be "ministers of the Word" together.

Monday - a new week

A new week starts today. This week I have to cancel my doctor's appointment to discuss plans for delivery, cancel my OB appointment, cancel the nursery tour we booked (our first appointment as "parents") and make an appointment to have my hair done. No concerns about the effects of hair dye anymore, but it doesn't seem to balance up. All the little things I used to take joy in - pretty nails, sparkly earrings, really hot hot chocolate - these are no compensation. The lifestyle of a carefree professional couple with no children that I worried so much about losing, now seems to stretch out in front of me. How can anyone be a paediatrician and work all day with other women's children (or worse, babies) and not have any herself? Surely, fate would not be so cruel.

Yesterday at church was better than I had feared. Everyone was kind, but not too personal. I checked the rest of my emails, and this seems to be more common than I had realized. Also, many other people have it much worse than I do - losing babies at 20 weeks would be much worse, being on IVF and doing this every month would be much, much worse.

Only the two mothers seem to be saying the kinds of things I had feared everyone would say. My mum called on Saturday (the day after I called her) and asked if I was over it yet? Marion said all the things I had heard from everyone else about how it could be worse and I should count my blessings, and it wasn't really too bad at all and I should just pull myself together and get on with it.

I have realized again the importance of letting people discover for themselves that things could be worse. The gentle tide of reminiscences from other women about their own difficult times lifts me up and makes me realize that I am truly blessed in so many ways, with husband, friends and church. Being told to count your blessings and that worse things happen every day to more deserving people just doesn't have the same effect.

Olivia rose to the occasion once again, and brought some perspective by reminding me that God suffers with us in this broken world with so much illness, death and loss. The whole of Creation groans, and God also longs for the renewing of the New Heavens and the New Earth. I wonder what it would be like to be involved in the joyful creation of life with no fear of loss or death? Another email I received had a quote from the Psalms (ever my favourite!):

Great is the love of the Lord, and His faithfulness endures for ever. (117:2)

Doesn't sound especially comforting on the surface of it, but there is something solid and foundational about a love which can be depended on, rested on, have a life built on it. Even better than a mother's love, is the love of the Lord!

It's over.

Yesterday the repeat bHCG test came back negative. It was a miscarriage. The bleeding and pain I'm having now is not much more than a normal period, but I feel terrible. Every time the abdominal pain starts again it is a reminder of what I have lost.

I suppose it is a bit self-centred to think about it as "my" loss and "my" baby - it wasn't real to me as a separate person yet, so it is not really like losing a child. It is Dean's loss too, and the rest of the family's, not just mine. It feels like mine. There is something very personal about what happens within your own body, which makes it different from reading about it or knowing intellectually that this can happen. The bleeding is all very biological, messy and personal.

Last night I couldn't talk about it - I called my mum and had to hand the phone to Dean. After that I let him call the rest of the family. I don't know how to tell everyone else - I wish everyone would just forget about it. If they talk to me about it I know I'll just fall apart.

We went to bed early, but I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to take anything for the pain - it seems appropriate to have pain. I woke up early this morning and decided to come and set out my thoughts about all this. Sooner or later I will have to face the world, but for now I can just think and type and cry.

One silver lining in all this - my mum said "This was what God wanted", which took me by surprise on several levels. She never talks about God (doesn't believe in Him as far as I know) and has always been very antagonistic about my faith generally - I deserve it, I was very untactful (!) early in my conversion. I don't know if this is what God wanted (if it was, can I still like Him? Does He still deserve the capital "H"?) but if it leads my mother to faith how can I object? I am at His service, and every day I have been praying "Father, please do whatever it takes..." did I mean it?

If it really was God's will that I get pregnant and lose the baby in order to bring my family to know Him - am I OK with that? Is this the God I am owned by? Is this the God I signed up with? I suppose it is. The Julian of Norwich prayer doesn't sound so good now: All will be well, indeed!

I should get dressed and start looking at houses. Do the shopping, do the washing. Life goes on, I should go on. Can I mourn a baby I never really met, never really knew? Nothing is interesting anymore. I opened my eBay account - my last lot of books never arrived, but I can't really care about them. There's nothing I want here. I don't want to go to church and tell people, and have them tell me it will all be all right or that it was God's plan. Maybe it was, but we can't really know. We can't really know God at all. He blesses us or not according to His own designs and we can never know what those are.

Not pregnant anymore

In the afternoon I had a lot of abdominal pain, and suddenly passed a large amount of fresh blood. That was frightening, but I pulled myself together and went in search of the O&G Reg. Leah was on, and was very good about it all. I'm afraid I rather fell apart on her, and by then the pain and bleeding was getting beyond anything that could be passed off as "spotting" and I was starting to worry seriously about ectopics - I was at about the right stage by dates.

She took me into a side room and did an ultrasound on the spot - one of the perks of the business. I think I made her late for theatre, but she was very thorough. She didn't see any sac in the uterus at all - either I'm having a miscarriage or an ectopic, and either way I'm not having a baby. She offered to refer me to one of the big clinics in the city which specializes in this sort of ultrasound, but we both know even the experts can't find what isn't there.

We discussed a plan (especially considering that I can't leave until we get the cover thing sorted out) and decided that I should get another bHCG test. If it is still high then I drop everything and go to the best ultrasound and O&G place for surgery for presumed ectopic pregnancy. If it is low, then it is a miscarriage and there is nothing to be done, and I guess I can just go home. I should have asked her if there is anything else I need to do, but I can't talk about it.

I guess I just go back to work until the results are through, and try not to think about it. I can't believe it is only the middle of the afternoon - surely it must be nearly midnight by now? I still have an LP to do and a family meeting to run. Leah thinks I should leave, and I suppose no-one is indispensible. On the other hand, Dean is in surgery, so he can't drop everything and come home, and being at work with things to do and decisions to make at least keeps my mind busy. I think I would go crazy at home alone with nothing to do but think.

I'm not working well. I have the urge to start crying at odd intervals - thank God I have a cold! I can pass off the need for tissues and no-one is commenting on my "conjunctivitis". They don't know I am/was pregnant anyway, so I don't want to tell them just for their sympathy. I don't want to tell anyone - how can I talk about this?

I'm going though all the usual stages - Was it something I ate? Did I work too hard? Did I expose myself to some infectious agent? Was I too happy? Was I not discreet enough? Is God punishing me for something? Was it because I told too many people? Did I not want the baby enough? I know it has nothing to do with any of that, but I can't help feeling vaguely guilty - it must be something wrong with me - maybe I'm just not "maternal" enough in some way.

Leah keeps sending me little paged messages about how I should go home, how she is there if I want to talk. I don't want to talk. I don't want to tell anyone - how can I tell everyone? What will they all say? Will they blame me? Will they say I should just move on and have another one? Will they be so kind that I just melt down completely? I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want today to be over so I can go home and cry. I'm alone in my body again, just me, no baby, no family. The last thing I want to do is to run a family meeting, but Rachel is gone and Ania hasn't called back. Physically I feel OK apart from the ongoing abdominal pain, and heart pain doesn't seem like sufficient reason to leave work. I guess I just keep going and try not to think about it.

Not feeling well

Friday morning - Rachel is here, but planning to leave early. I know I should offer to cover but I really don't feel up to it. I have some low-level abdominal pain, nothing much, but I don't feel generally well. Anyway, why should I justify not offering - they should be glad I worked Wednesday! My resident has gone for the afternoon, and the nursery is crazy-busy, so I'll be lucky if I can get it all sorted out by 1700, so I won't be getting my afternoon off anyway.

My cover resident is from the obstetrics team - I wonder if I should ask her about this abdominal pain? It's getting a bit worse and a bit left-sided. I can't help thinking about ectopics, but I think that's just being over-dramatic, besides, she doesn't even know I'm pregnant.

I finally caved in and offered to work tonight. Since it looks like I'm going to be here until late anyway, a few extra hours can hardly matter, and the other only other cover they have found is a resident. I don't want to leave him here alone with two inductions going on in delivery suite. He has done nights alone, but the evenings can be much busier, and unless the consultant agrees to back him up and come in it's not going to be fair to him. Fortunately, Ania is on, and as soon as her mobile is switched on we can tell her - she might even agree to come in!

Working and pregnancy

Rachel is still away, though Kim is loaded to the gills with analgesics and at work. (I don't really think it is a good idea to take that many tablets.) My URTI is annoying but no more, though now I understand why everyone says "can this hurt my baby?" and I worry a little, even though I know it can't. I hope Rachel comes tomorrow, otherwise I will stuck covering another evening. Still, no point worrying about what I can't help.

I love the Julian of Norwich prayer, and have been using it about ten times a day!

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

It's a reassurance, and prayer and expression of trust all in one. It helps me hand it all over to God, and He hears me and reassures my fears. I'm trying not to think too much about the delivery - it's almost worse knowing what can go wrong. I think fear of the unknown is overrated - fear of the known is pretty bad as well. Knowing about incontinence, tears, blood loss and death, who would choose to get pregnant? No - I'm not going to think about that. I'm sure Jill's recommended OB would be good, and she said she would be happy to be delivered by her personally. I wonder why Jill never had children? I think it would be hard to be a neonatologist and play with babies all day and never have your own.

Pregancy preparation

I should have had my hair colours done before I got pregnant - I don't know if I can do it now. Is hair dye bad for baby? I've been to the optometrist, and made an appointment with the doctor. I asked Jill at work for a recommendation for an obstetrician and made an appointment there. When I called the Mercy, they offered a spot in their "parents education" program - wow! Our first appointment as "parents"!

I tried to get an extension on my ethics journal, but they said no. Fortunately, I feel really well at the moment, and the slight nausea is already abating so I hope I can just push on through the study, though I suppose it won't be my best work.

It is very lucky I am feeling so well, since Kim is sick and Rachel, so I am holding the fort tonight. The price we pay for not having an official "on-call" roster is that if anyone is sick, we are called at the last minute to cover. I don't really mind - gives me a chance to catch up on emails and this blog!

Seems strange to be sorry about feeling well, but I sort of miss the nausea. The whole thing seems a bit unreal, and I feel so normal that I'm almost wondering if it was a mistake, and it is really someone else who is pregnant - after all, there are no patient details on that slip of paper! My urge to eat healthy has faded, though I am doing so anyway, and avoiding the things I shouldn't have - don't know if I can face another eight months without Camembert!

Who to tell?

The old question of who to tell is a difficult one. I want to tell the whole world - but I know that wouldn't be a good idea. Bad things don't often happen, but the risky time is still until two more months. If we told Dora, it seems fair and symmetrical that we should tell my aunts and cousins, and yet we are not as close to them and don't see them as often. I think we will wait until we next see them.

People at church is very hard - I want to tell them all, especially since I want their prayers and support and ideas and just to share thoughts. I've probably already told too many, but then Mel clarified it for me by saying "Think also about who you would be prepared to tell if things went wrong, and who you want to support you then." This is very sensible advice, and now I feel better about telling so many people - I wouldn't mind if they knew if anything did go wrong, and I think I would need their prayers.

Both my online communities have been absolutely fantastic - I think I have received over twenty e-cards and emails from each! I really value CHFWeb in particular, since most of the women there have LOTS of experience with babies and child-raising, and I expect I will be there every few days looking for advice and reassurance.

I am more anxious than I expected. Now that the initial euphoria is wearing off, I am starting to think about how we will never be just "us" again, as a couple. We will never be a "young professional couple" again, not be able to take off for a weekend away if we feel like it, maybe never have an evening alone together again! I am excited, but also a bit afraid of what all this will mean - especially for where we are going to live! This adds a new urgency to our house-hunting exercises!

Mel has loaned me a book on pregnancy, which I quite like. It is normal, and fun, and light reading with none of the scary obstetric information which I really don't want to know. I don't want to be doctor for this, and I don't want to think about the kind of deliveries I usually attend. I just want to be number seven million and thirty four, not special to anyone else, not remarkable in any way, no drama, nothing to excite medical tea-room talk. I don't want to be a "I saw this amazing case yesterday" example for students - those always turn out badly. I want to be just a perfectly straightforward delivery, and the students can watch if they like but no student is laying a hand on me! I wonder which of my bosses I would be prepared to have see me at the delivery, with it all "hanging out"? I'll have to think about that!

Pregnancy tales

I think pregnancy suits me. I'm not really very sick - I don't know if this is just me or all the ginger tea working. I have the urge to eat properly for the first time in my life! No longer do fish and chips look tempting (that's an understatement!) and I just want salads and dairy food - very unusual! Even the usual consequences of lactose intolerance don't put me off. It was very weird to be making pizza and holding a tub of ricotta, only to suddenly realize that instead of spreading it thinly on the pizza I just wanted to take a spoon and eat it straight! I have even bought a pack of yoghurt tubs - unheard of!

So far we have told both grandmothers (of course Marion said we should have told her sooner rather than waiting a whole eight hours for the sun to rise) both aunties (Helen wants to know what colour to make the knitting) and Dean's aunt Dora. That doesn't seem like very many - I want to tell everyone! I also want to tell some friends at church who have had babies - I realize now I don't know that many people with babies, and experiencing it is totally different from reading about it. I want to call on their first-hand knowledge and have their support, especially Mel and Kate.

And of course, I want to tell those who read this, so they find out from me personally and not on the internet! Funny, I didn't mind telling Tereza by email (I gave her credit for her system, even though I don't know if that was really it or not) but somehow reading it on a blog is a bit different. Tereza called back straight away, of course, and made a very satisfying fuss. I feel a bit ridiculous taking credit for something I haven't really done and didn't have control over, but at the same time I just feel so happy and blessed that all the congratulations seem appropriate!

We're having a baby!

I can't believe it! I got to write in my diary twice, then it was all over! I don't know if this means Tereza's system works or not? I think it from the timing it must have been while we were on holidays, maybe even my birthday!

I have been feeling a little sick the last week or so, just intermittently and not particularly more in the morning, but I decided that working in a hospital has to have a few perks, so I went down to the Emergency Department and asked the consultant there how they usually do these tests. She said sure they could do one for me - was it for myself? I admitted that it was, but she said that was fine, and it's not often a paediatric registrar comes looking for a pregnancy test...

The nurse ran the test through the machine for me (tactfully not asking me for patient details) and thoughtfully left the room one the run was started, saying "You've got five minutes to amuse yourself." I tried to concentrate on writing notes, and checking my to-do list for the evening, but couldn't help keeping one eye on the timer.

00:03, 00:02 (Oh no, am I really ready for this?) 00:01 (Do I want it to be positive or negative? We've been trying for nearly two years altogether, but I'm still not sure I'm ready.) 00:00 Decision time! Computer printing result... Now I really can't stand it - I have to know, and yet I have to wait.

bHCG - positive

This little slip of paper in my hand, with no patient details, just the words:

May 23, 2005 bHCG positive

and now my life will never be the same, and I'm so happy! Also, I'm glad that I'm happy and that I am ready after all! I can't wait to tell everyone I know - I know I shouldn't, but I'm so delighted!

When I thought I could control my expression, I came out of the testing room, to find the nurse and the ED consultant waiting expectantly (!) outside. Swee said "So, did it work?" and I nodded, and the two of them looked at each other and at me and said "Well?" and I just could stop smiling and nodded, and they both hugged me and offered me the use of the office to make as many private phone calls as I liked.

I didn't want to tell Dean over the phone, so I took the little slip of paper and hid it in the bottom of my purse until the end of the shift. When I got home, I showed it to him and demanded my pink moccasins! (All the pregnant women on the labour ward at Northern wear pink moccasins, I think it's some kind of uniform. I had said that when I got pregnant I would start wearing moccasins - but now it's not a joke!)

Home from Perth

We are back from Perth, and I was feeling a little travel-sick, not sure if it is more than usual or not, so I did a pregnancy test - nothing. At the conference Dean and John were busy all day, so I met up with Ilse who is here with the twins! They are so cute - 10 month old boys, crawling and almost walking, but so different! One is large and placid, good eater, good sleeper and a generally happy baby. The other is driven, hyperactive, won't sit still, won't sleep, won't settle - I can't imagine what it will be like when he is walking (in about a week's time, I think). They are such a handful, I can't imagine having twins, but I would like one...

I have decided that after all this last two years of mucking about, and on-again, off-again trying for a baby it is time to get systematic about this. Tereza says that every third day is the best time to try, so I'm going to write it in my diary and keep track. I'm listening to myself, thinking this is pretty ridiculous and terribly Type A, but never mind, as the song says "Do you want a child or not?"

Margaret River

We have been driving around the Margaret River area, and I can see why this is the first place everyone mentions when I said we were coming to WA. It is beautiful, fertile, full of wineries and little cottage industries like cheese, lavendar, mead, olive oil and landscape photography. I think if I lived here I would be a landscape photographer too!

Yesterday we were driving to the last winery we wanted to see, and we came over the hill and looked down over the vines as the sun was setting. The evening rays were just slanting down through the clouds to highlight the vines, and there were grapes as far as I could see. I was struck once again at God's extravagant abundance, poured out for us so generously that not only do we have more than we need to eat, but we can spend it frivolously making boutique wines and other inefficient but enjoyable food products.

I also realized how much the abundance of the earth is in God's hands. Seems strange not to have thought much about this before. I think all the talk of droughts and weather brings it closer to my mind - I can see why country people feel closer to God than do city people who work in heated buildings and don't have to think about the weather.

The growers sow and water, but if God doesn't make the harvest grow or send suitable weather, then all their labour is in vain. No-one but God can make the harvest happen. The parallel with evangelism is obvious, so why do I keep going over and over the same ground in the hope that more ploughing will produce more fruit??

My Birthday

Well, it's another birthday, and for the first time I understand why people don't like them. Previously birthdays had always meant another milestone, another year with all its achievements and experiences and activities behind and a new one in front.

This year I am just aware that I'm getting older and haven't accomplished what I wanted - I always thought I would have a baby before I turned 30, or 31 at the latest, but here I am. Still, now we are on holidays in Perth and off the stressful lifestyle with lots of time, who knows? Dean promised me a baby for my birthday, so maybe tonight is our lucky night!

Orthodox Easter

Easter again yesterday. I find Orthodox Easter incredibly depressing. Not the spectacle itself, nor the service nor the church, nor even that fact that it is all in a language I don't understand. I love the candles, the symbolic action of dousing al the lights to let Jesus Light of the World enter the darkness at midnight. Even the celebratory fireworks (which the priest hates) I like.

No, the thing which bothers me about Orthodox Easter is all those people turning up, probably more than 1,500 at the church last night, and going away having been scolded by the priest for being "barbarians" for letting off fireworks and ruining "his" Easter.

Surely, surely, with over a thousand people to speak to, most of whom this is the only time in the whole year for them to turn up to church, he might have a message of hope, of life, of forgiveness, of love, or reconciliation or an invitation to seek further? No - a bitter comment about the inappropriate fireworks. What's more, that's all we talked about afterwards as well! Mainly about how this happens every year, and every year the priest gets angry about it, and isn't it strange how the congregation is becoming more alienated and smaller every year...

Hope without expectation

Last insight from Remaking, but this one from Liz. She just tossed it off as part of a story, but it struck me (as a lot of her wisdom does) that I want that! I want that depth and yet simplicity, that fully integrated owning of the truth and owning of the self. She must be one of the most “authentic” people I know – I hate to think of how much she must have had to go through to get there. No spiritual insights are easy, but suffering gives a depth and compassion to insight which is not attainable any other way (as far as I know) and Liz has so much compassion I shudder to think how much suffering she had to walk through to get it.

“Hope without expectation”

That’s it – isn’t it wonderful? To pray, to ask God, to continue in hope and yet without expectation of a specific answer. To leave the situation open for God to work without suggestions and pressure as to how He might like to do it. To continue in hope when all hope seems lost – oh, yes, I know that one. To cling stubbornly to the hope of heaven when there is no earthly reason. Unreasonable hope which continues in the face of reasons to stop. Hope, the only antidote to despair. That’s the sort of hope which withstands the fiery furnace, lions, the valley of the shadow, years of silence. That’s the kind of hope I need – more than twelve years now it has been, so what reason do I have to hope? And yet…

How does it feel...

More Remaking – at this rate I’ll be completely remade by the end of the year! More about freedom: How would I feel if I knew that I could wash away all of today and begin again tomorrow: innocent, fresh, free, forgiven, able to love and full of hope with a completely clear slate, secure in the knowledge of being freely forgiven and fully loved? How would I then act? How would I then be? How would I then live?

And yet, the Bible tells me I am already all these things! Amazing!

What is freedom?

Still more on “Remaking”: what is freedom? Is freedom the same as autonomy? Does freedom mean that now we can do what we like? Clearly not: the Bible warns that we can lose our freedom and make ourselves slaves again. In the discussion of autonomy in ethics, there is the discussion about addiction and how it destroys autonomy. So there are acts of freedom which destroy freedom, and clearly we can sell ourselves into slavery in our minds, if not in law. JS Mill would not have approved!

Freedom is the freedom to choose: to turn away or to turn towards. Interestingly, freedom puts a whole new spin on the slavery thing. If I place myself under the law of “shoulds” then I kill my own freedom. (Of course self-discipline is a good and necessary thing and I’m a big fan, but leaving that aside and doing a thought experiment for a moment.)

Rather than the law of “should” as in: I should read my Bible, I should go to church, I should give money to the church, I should control my tongue, etc, etc. How about turning it around and looking at it as an invitation in freedom? Now I get: You are free to read the Bible, you are free to go to church, you are free to contribute to the church, you are free to choose how you speak. Instantly all these things seem more attractive! I really do like church, I really do want to know God’s Will, I really do want to support Olivia and to reach out and minister to others, I really do want to speak truthfully, kindly and lovingly to people all the time even (especially?) when I don’t feel like it. I really do want all those things, but somehow I let myself get bound up in performance pressure and I forgot that I want these things simply for what they are.

I need to try to remember this!

Remaking

More about the Spiritual Traditions night on Monday, though I really should call it the “Remaking” course now. We also talked about the nature of “works” ie the good work we do for/with God. It’s a tricky subject, and one I’ve never really understood. But there were some great thoughts that night:
- doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what He does for us.
- Who do you work for? There is your investment, and from there will come your pension!
- The paradox that we work, and yet at the same time God works in us – this another one of those “dynamic tension” things which are so common in the Christian life.

Christian doubt

Spritual traditions tonight was about the place of doubt and failure in the normal Christian spiritual journey. Funny, I never thought of doubt and failure as being common to the Christian experience – I guess I thought it was just me! It is certainly true that doubt and failure are not often talked about in church, I suppose because of the fear that it might spread, or that it might look bad in front of others. To be fair, doubt can be pretty threatening, both our own and others’ but I think (hope?) that we can face the doubt, give it to God and let the truth (His truth) make us free. What kind of people are we if the truth does not serve us?

I remember when I was at Uni and really struggling with some aspects of my newfound faith (and dumping it all on my leader who was only a year older) someone advised me to take it to God on the grounds that “He knows anyway, and He can deal with it”. That was such a freeing, wonderful thing – not to have to pretend to understand and agree and accept. To be able to acknowledge the disappointment, fear, doubt and even anger. To be angry at God, and to be able to tell Him about it is so much better than to try to hide it (and myself) away and pretend it isn’t there. Acknowledging doubt and failure is to acknowledge that something isn’t working and looking to change it – much healthier than doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result!

I have also discovered the Jesuits – really clever people, especially Ignatius! He formulated a way of examining “the best of the day, the worst of the day” (sounds a bit Dickensian) and through the naming and exploration of those, to see God in both. The Jesuits have their own form of the simplicity/complexity idea which I so love, only they call it orientation/disorientation. Similarly, by exploring the disorientation we find orientation again. CS Lewis also speaks to this when he talks about the difficult knotty parts of the Bible being like a lump under the bedcovers – we can try to smooth it over and pretend it isn’t there, or we can peel back the covers and take a really good look at what is really going on! In his experience, and in mine, there are often the greatest lessons lurking under those covers!

Faith as activity

Faith as described in the Bible is an activity, not knowledge. Faith is faith in, and faith to and faith from (since faith is a mutual activity). Strange, in our society “faith” is very much about what we believe, rather than what we do – perhaps that is part of the problem! James describes faith as something which permeates our lives and leads inevitably to action, so much so that if we have no actions he regards our faith as dead! Now that’s challenging stuff! And yet, other parts of the Bible agree: out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. (Mat 12:34) So perhaps it is not the Bible which has a skewed view of faith…

Romans Ch 3 is an assurance of forgiveness, which follows on from assurances of the justice of the law. I often think it is strange how we want both – we want justice and for the world to be fair, but we also want mercy for ourselves. Part of Jesus’ great appeal is his lack of condemnation for people generally – those who came sick, hurting, sinning, he helped and healed them all. Jesus is the great merciful healer, merciful judge and the one who forgives sins. Why then is the church so often seen as judgemental? In the common view, the church more closely resembles the Pharisees than Jesus! It is so sad – we must have gone terribly wrong somewhere. If we had Jesus’ heart, we should be known by our love, not our ability to point the finger!

Romans 3:27 says “Where then, is boasting?” but today we were talking about the other besetting sins of our generation which are equally forgiven and passed over by God: Where then is guilt? Where then is performance pressure? Where then is insecurity, fear, the need to establish rules and make others follow them?

I am reminded of an old saying about Sunday School, but at applies here too, rather trite, but true then as well as now: The answer is always “Jesus”.

An interesting quote emailed to me yesterday:

We do not segment our lives, giving some time to God, some to our business or schooling, while keeping parts to ourselves. The idea is to live all of our lives in the presence of God, under the authority of God, and for the honor and glory of God. That is what the Christian life is all about. (R. C. Sproul)

This is what I would like to be, and what I imagine the truly holy life is like in the "incarnational" tradition. This is also what I find incredibly difficult - it seems I surrender one portion of my life, only to realize that another is terribly lacking - a bit like painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge, I no sooner finish and I am due to start again somewhere else!

How often do I sit down to think about some "private time" or time set aside for God, only to get grumpy and out of sorts because I am called to do something else? If only I could realize that ALL "my" time is God's time, to use or lay aside as He chooses. (Being used is one thing, being laid aside something even more challenging!)

Yesterday, I agreed to work for Rachel so that she could minister at her church. Fair enough. So why then, when the work was busy, did I feel cheated? Like I somehow expected the work to be easier because I volunteered for it? I have been in the business long enough to know that the work comes as it will and not as we would have it! At the end of the day I was tired (fair enough) but why resentful as well? Why cross because Rachel had a good day? That was the reason I worked - I should have been glad!

Obviously I still have some work to do in the area of giving cheerfully...

The Orthodox Way

This is a great book by Bishop Kallistos Ware, on Greek Orthodoxy by a convert to it. There are lots of great quotes and general advice for living drawn from the Orthodox tradition. Strangely enough, this is a very grace-ful tradition (not at all what I expected) with insights into the human condition which only come from deep thought and long observation:

Faith is not the supposition that something might be true, but the assurance that someone is there. For faith implies not complacency but taking risks, not shutting ourselves off from the unknown but advancing boldly to meet it.

Between belief that and belief in there is a crucial distinction.

Because this personal relationship is as yet very incomplete in each of us and needs continually to develop further, it is by no means impossible for faith to coexist with doubt.

This is not at all what I expected to hear from an Orthodox bishop! For some reason I had expected a very hidebound, rigid, pedantic approach. Of course (as any good observer of human nature should be) the creed is grace-ful, allowing for human frailty and confusion. In fact, there is more acknowledgement of the limitations of human understanding than is usually found in the Western tradition (especially the Protestant tradition) with its emphasis on cerebral understanding. There is much of value and beauty in "The Way", as he calls it.

Certainty/Uncertainty

I have just finished reading a fiction series about a family who all convert to Christianity at a rate of one per book. It was a nice, easy read - I guess the literary equivalent of "easy listening" music. The books were fairly simplistic, in that each addressed one particular issue a person might have with God, solved it, and then the person became a Christian. If only it were so!

Thinking about my own journey, I come back to the simplicity-complexity diagram in a different form: that of certainty/uncertainty. I wondered if God existed, if He was powerful to do anything and if He was interested in me. He proved to me that He is all these things: certainty. I then wondered if He would answer all my prayers - He would not: uncertainty. I wondered if He cared about my family and husband as I do - His Word says yes: certainty. I prayed for all of their salvation, but they are not yet saved: uncertainty. I fell back on the certainty of my own salvation, only to hear that perhaps there is no heaven: uncertainty again. Now the knowledge of heaven is replaced with a better concept of eternity with God: certainty, but for how long?

I am thinking more and more about Olivia's comments about a "hidden God" and not just for those seeking Him for the first time. I think He deliberately hides and reveals Himself to all of us; keeping us always in the area of faith but not full knowledge, trust without certain predictability, some understanding without complete understanding. It is as if He takes His hand away as we walk more surely, and steadies us when we falter, only to remove His hand again so that we walk ourselves as much as we can. (CS Lewis uses this metaphor, and I find it very apt.)

This must be a necessary process if we are to grow, so it is not surprising that it is a lifelong journey (struggle?) to know and trust God. The more we know and trust, the more we are given to know and our certainties are taken away to build our trust higher and stronger. I remember a minister saying that he was praying for protection when he suddenly realized that eleven of the disciples died as martyrs, and that the whole of Christian history is filled with people laying down their lives for God and each other. If it could happen to them, it could certainly happen to him! In the midst of this increased pressure, he nevertheless gave his life to God, to use to take away according to His will. Lewis called it "walking with God from good to good" in Perelandra - He takes us from one good thing to another, if we will but let Him lead.

If this is true, a Christian should expect to spend her whole life seeking to know God better, swimming ever deeper in the pool of theology without ever touching the bottom. She should be always striving (struggling?) to know God more and trust in His ways, and as her trust increases it should be increasingly tested, refined and made to grow stronger and surer. The normal Christian life should thus be one of trials and growth - a fearsome and yet attractive idea! I like the idea that God is always shaping me, even if it is difficult, and that He is the one which has no end, even in eternity. CS Lewis (again) describes it as a story which has no end, and in which each chapter is better than the one before. Amen - so let it be!

Easter Sunday

Today is Easter Sunday - Christ is risen! Today I noticed the difference it makes to go from fast to feast. The contrast highlights the value of each, and I thought it is good of God to arrange it so that everyone gets to experience both. Those of us in rich countries experience fasting (even if it is only voluntary and temporary) and those with nothing else can celebrate what God has done. I think most people would agree that it is good for us to be reminded of the two states, especially if we dwell most of the time in only one.

Similarly, I wonder if it is good for us to experience change and seasons in our lives - to go through some hardship to give the celebrations more savour? It is easy to accept this theoretically and philosophically, but when it comes down to the point I know my first response is always "Why God?" I suppose the answer, at least some of the time, will be "Because it is good for you."

Maundy Thursday

Last night was Maundy Thursday, with the traditional "dark" Tenebrae service reflecting on the shadow falling over he disciples in the lead-up to Good Friday. I found myself thinking a lot about the disciples - Peter and John in particular. Peter was called "the rock" by Jesus, even knowing that he would deny Jesus when put to the question. Jesus foretold not only Peter's betrayal, but also Peter's return and that he would be an ongoing leader in the church and source of strength for those around him and those who would follow.

This year we have been looking in particular at John's Gospel, with its themes of light and darkness and God's eternal forgiveness and love. This was particularly suited to the service last night, with the progressive dousing of the light as the service progressed through Jesus' arrest and trial, Peter's betrayal and the rejection of the community and the condemnation of Pilate.

By the end of the service, it was raining and the wind was howling outside - perhaps a cliché, but atmospheric nonetheless. As we left the Carey chapel for the last time, resetting the chairs and taking everything with us, it really was a journey of saying farewell. We stripped the church and took even the doused candles with us, locked the doors and left silently, one at a time into the rain and darkness outside.

This experience really brought home to me the lost-ness, the lack of centre, the destruction of hope and the uncertainty that the disciples would have felt (albeit on a smaller scale). It also brought to mind the persecuted church, and those who have to gather in secret and leave in silence. Holy Spirit comfort and sustain them!

Accepting our Powerlessness

This is (I think) one of the most unpalatable facts about Christianity. That we are here because God created us, that we are as we are because God made us that way. That we are given grace (and enabled to accept it) by God's grace and through His work we are cleansed and made acceptable. Nothing for us to be proud of, no great "self-made men". The only work we have to do is to accept, to cooperate, and to be witnesses. These works are difficult enough that we can only do them with God's help anyway. In everything we are commanded to ask God in prayer, to seek His guidance and empowering through the Holy Spirit, to accept and do His will. I wonder if this is why men seem to have more trouble with faith than women? Maybe it is harder for the self-image of a man to submit than it is for a woman.

On the other hand, there is something restful and freeing about it all. Certainly feeling responsible for everything (especially the salvation of others) is an intolerable burden. Also the fact that we fail at all our self-appointed responsibilities - if we truly were solely responsible there would be no-one to turn to when it all goes pear-shaped.

God in His heaven and all right with the world - there is a certain reassuring inevitability about that.