Hope without expectation

Last insight from Remaking, but this one from Liz. She just tossed it off as part of a story, but it struck me (as a lot of her wisdom does) that I want that! I want that depth and yet simplicity, that fully integrated owning of the truth and owning of the self. She must be one of the most “authentic” people I know – I hate to think of how much she must have had to go through to get there. No spiritual insights are easy, but suffering gives a depth and compassion to insight which is not attainable any other way (as far as I know) and Liz has so much compassion I shudder to think how much suffering she had to walk through to get it.

“Hope without expectation”

That’s it – isn’t it wonderful? To pray, to ask God, to continue in hope and yet without expectation of a specific answer. To leave the situation open for God to work without suggestions and pressure as to how He might like to do it. To continue in hope when all hope seems lost – oh, yes, I know that one. To cling stubbornly to the hope of heaven when there is no earthly reason. Unreasonable hope which continues in the face of reasons to stop. Hope, the only antidote to despair. That’s the sort of hope which withstands the fiery furnace, lions, the valley of the shadow, years of silence. That’s the kind of hope I need – more than twelve years now it has been, so what reason do I have to hope? And yet…

How does it feel...

More Remaking – at this rate I’ll be completely remade by the end of the year! More about freedom: How would I feel if I knew that I could wash away all of today and begin again tomorrow: innocent, fresh, free, forgiven, able to love and full of hope with a completely clear slate, secure in the knowledge of being freely forgiven and fully loved? How would I then act? How would I then be? How would I then live?

And yet, the Bible tells me I am already all these things! Amazing!

What is freedom?

Still more on “Remaking”: what is freedom? Is freedom the same as autonomy? Does freedom mean that now we can do what we like? Clearly not: the Bible warns that we can lose our freedom and make ourselves slaves again. In the discussion of autonomy in ethics, there is the discussion about addiction and how it destroys autonomy. So there are acts of freedom which destroy freedom, and clearly we can sell ourselves into slavery in our minds, if not in law. JS Mill would not have approved!

Freedom is the freedom to choose: to turn away or to turn towards. Interestingly, freedom puts a whole new spin on the slavery thing. If I place myself under the law of “shoulds” then I kill my own freedom. (Of course self-discipline is a good and necessary thing and I’m a big fan, but leaving that aside and doing a thought experiment for a moment.)

Rather than the law of “should” as in: I should read my Bible, I should go to church, I should give money to the church, I should control my tongue, etc, etc. How about turning it around and looking at it as an invitation in freedom? Now I get: You are free to read the Bible, you are free to go to church, you are free to contribute to the church, you are free to choose how you speak. Instantly all these things seem more attractive! I really do like church, I really do want to know God’s Will, I really do want to support Olivia and to reach out and minister to others, I really do want to speak truthfully, kindly and lovingly to people all the time even (especially?) when I don’t feel like it. I really do want all those things, but somehow I let myself get bound up in performance pressure and I forgot that I want these things simply for what they are.

I need to try to remember this!

Remaking

More about the Spiritual Traditions night on Monday, though I really should call it the “Remaking” course now. We also talked about the nature of “works” ie the good work we do for/with God. It’s a tricky subject, and one I’ve never really understood. But there were some great thoughts that night:
- doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what He does for us.
- Who do you work for? There is your investment, and from there will come your pension!
- The paradox that we work, and yet at the same time God works in us – this another one of those “dynamic tension” things which are so common in the Christian life.

Christian doubt

Spritual traditions tonight was about the place of doubt and failure in the normal Christian spiritual journey. Funny, I never thought of doubt and failure as being common to the Christian experience – I guess I thought it was just me! It is certainly true that doubt and failure are not often talked about in church, I suppose because of the fear that it might spread, or that it might look bad in front of others. To be fair, doubt can be pretty threatening, both our own and others’ but I think (hope?) that we can face the doubt, give it to God and let the truth (His truth) make us free. What kind of people are we if the truth does not serve us?

I remember when I was at Uni and really struggling with some aspects of my newfound faith (and dumping it all on my leader who was only a year older) someone advised me to take it to God on the grounds that “He knows anyway, and He can deal with it”. That was such a freeing, wonderful thing – not to have to pretend to understand and agree and accept. To be able to acknowledge the disappointment, fear, doubt and even anger. To be angry at God, and to be able to tell Him about it is so much better than to try to hide it (and myself) away and pretend it isn’t there. Acknowledging doubt and failure is to acknowledge that something isn’t working and looking to change it – much healthier than doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result!

I have also discovered the Jesuits – really clever people, especially Ignatius! He formulated a way of examining “the best of the day, the worst of the day” (sounds a bit Dickensian) and through the naming and exploration of those, to see God in both. The Jesuits have their own form of the simplicity/complexity idea which I so love, only they call it orientation/disorientation. Similarly, by exploring the disorientation we find orientation again. CS Lewis also speaks to this when he talks about the difficult knotty parts of the Bible being like a lump under the bedcovers – we can try to smooth it over and pretend it isn’t there, or we can peel back the covers and take a really good look at what is really going on! In his experience, and in mine, there are often the greatest lessons lurking under those covers!

Faith as activity

Faith as described in the Bible is an activity, not knowledge. Faith is faith in, and faith to and faith from (since faith is a mutual activity). Strange, in our society “faith” is very much about what we believe, rather than what we do – perhaps that is part of the problem! James describes faith as something which permeates our lives and leads inevitably to action, so much so that if we have no actions he regards our faith as dead! Now that’s challenging stuff! And yet, other parts of the Bible agree: out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. (Mat 12:34) So perhaps it is not the Bible which has a skewed view of faith…

Romans Ch 3 is an assurance of forgiveness, which follows on from assurances of the justice of the law. I often think it is strange how we want both – we want justice and for the world to be fair, but we also want mercy for ourselves. Part of Jesus’ great appeal is his lack of condemnation for people generally – those who came sick, hurting, sinning, he helped and healed them all. Jesus is the great merciful healer, merciful judge and the one who forgives sins. Why then is the church so often seen as judgemental? In the common view, the church more closely resembles the Pharisees than Jesus! It is so sad – we must have gone terribly wrong somewhere. If we had Jesus’ heart, we should be known by our love, not our ability to point the finger!

Romans 3:27 says “Where then, is boasting?” but today we were talking about the other besetting sins of our generation which are equally forgiven and passed over by God: Where then is guilt? Where then is performance pressure? Where then is insecurity, fear, the need to establish rules and make others follow them?

I am reminded of an old saying about Sunday School, but at applies here too, rather trite, but true then as well as now: The answer is always “Jesus”.

An interesting quote emailed to me yesterday:

We do not segment our lives, giving some time to God, some to our business or schooling, while keeping parts to ourselves. The idea is to live all of our lives in the presence of God, under the authority of God, and for the honor and glory of God. That is what the Christian life is all about. (R. C. Sproul)

This is what I would like to be, and what I imagine the truly holy life is like in the "incarnational" tradition. This is also what I find incredibly difficult - it seems I surrender one portion of my life, only to realize that another is terribly lacking - a bit like painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge, I no sooner finish and I am due to start again somewhere else!

How often do I sit down to think about some "private time" or time set aside for God, only to get grumpy and out of sorts because I am called to do something else? If only I could realize that ALL "my" time is God's time, to use or lay aside as He chooses. (Being used is one thing, being laid aside something even more challenging!)

Yesterday, I agreed to work for Rachel so that she could minister at her church. Fair enough. So why then, when the work was busy, did I feel cheated? Like I somehow expected the work to be easier because I volunteered for it? I have been in the business long enough to know that the work comes as it will and not as we would have it! At the end of the day I was tired (fair enough) but why resentful as well? Why cross because Rachel had a good day? That was the reason I worked - I should have been glad!

Obviously I still have some work to do in the area of giving cheerfully...

The Orthodox Way

This is a great book by Bishop Kallistos Ware, on Greek Orthodoxy by a convert to it. There are lots of great quotes and general advice for living drawn from the Orthodox tradition. Strangely enough, this is a very grace-ful tradition (not at all what I expected) with insights into the human condition which only come from deep thought and long observation:

Faith is not the supposition that something might be true, but the assurance that someone is there. For faith implies not complacency but taking risks, not shutting ourselves off from the unknown but advancing boldly to meet it.

Between belief that and belief in there is a crucial distinction.

Because this personal relationship is as yet very incomplete in each of us and needs continually to develop further, it is by no means impossible for faith to coexist with doubt.

This is not at all what I expected to hear from an Orthodox bishop! For some reason I had expected a very hidebound, rigid, pedantic approach. Of course (as any good observer of human nature should be) the creed is grace-ful, allowing for human frailty and confusion. In fact, there is more acknowledgement of the limitations of human understanding than is usually found in the Western tradition (especially the Protestant tradition) with its emphasis on cerebral understanding. There is much of value and beauty in "The Way", as he calls it.