Certainty/Uncertainty

I have just finished reading a fiction series about a family who all convert to Christianity at a rate of one per book. It was a nice, easy read - I guess the literary equivalent of "easy listening" music. The books were fairly simplistic, in that each addressed one particular issue a person might have with God, solved it, and then the person became a Christian. If only it were so!

Thinking about my own journey, I come back to the simplicity-complexity diagram in a different form: that of certainty/uncertainty. I wondered if God existed, if He was powerful to do anything and if He was interested in me. He proved to me that He is all these things: certainty. I then wondered if He would answer all my prayers - He would not: uncertainty. I wondered if He cared about my family and husband as I do - His Word says yes: certainty. I prayed for all of their salvation, but they are not yet saved: uncertainty. I fell back on the certainty of my own salvation, only to hear that perhaps there is no heaven: uncertainty again. Now the knowledge of heaven is replaced with a better concept of eternity with God: certainty, but for how long?

I am thinking more and more about Olivia's comments about a "hidden God" and not just for those seeking Him for the first time. I think He deliberately hides and reveals Himself to all of us; keeping us always in the area of faith but not full knowledge, trust without certain predictability, some understanding without complete understanding. It is as if He takes His hand away as we walk more surely, and steadies us when we falter, only to remove His hand again so that we walk ourselves as much as we can. (CS Lewis uses this metaphor, and I find it very apt.)

This must be a necessary process if we are to grow, so it is not surprising that it is a lifelong journey (struggle?) to know and trust God. The more we know and trust, the more we are given to know and our certainties are taken away to build our trust higher and stronger. I remember a minister saying that he was praying for protection when he suddenly realized that eleven of the disciples died as martyrs, and that the whole of Christian history is filled with people laying down their lives for God and each other. If it could happen to them, it could certainly happen to him! In the midst of this increased pressure, he nevertheless gave his life to God, to use to take away according to His will. Lewis called it "walking with God from good to good" in Perelandra - He takes us from one good thing to another, if we will but let Him lead.

If this is true, a Christian should expect to spend her whole life seeking to know God better, swimming ever deeper in the pool of theology without ever touching the bottom. She should be always striving (struggling?) to know God more and trust in His ways, and as her trust increases it should be increasingly tested, refined and made to grow stronger and surer. The normal Christian life should thus be one of trials and growth - a fearsome and yet attractive idea! I like the idea that God is always shaping me, even if it is difficult, and that He is the one which has no end, even in eternity. CS Lewis (again) describes it as a story which has no end, and in which each chapter is better than the one before. Amen - so let it be!

Easter Sunday

Today is Easter Sunday - Christ is risen! Today I noticed the difference it makes to go from fast to feast. The contrast highlights the value of each, and I thought it is good of God to arrange it so that everyone gets to experience both. Those of us in rich countries experience fasting (even if it is only voluntary and temporary) and those with nothing else can celebrate what God has done. I think most people would agree that it is good for us to be reminded of the two states, especially if we dwell most of the time in only one.

Similarly, I wonder if it is good for us to experience change and seasons in our lives - to go through some hardship to give the celebrations more savour? It is easy to accept this theoretically and philosophically, but when it comes down to the point I know my first response is always "Why God?" I suppose the answer, at least some of the time, will be "Because it is good for you."

Maundy Thursday

Last night was Maundy Thursday, with the traditional "dark" Tenebrae service reflecting on the shadow falling over he disciples in the lead-up to Good Friday. I found myself thinking a lot about the disciples - Peter and John in particular. Peter was called "the rock" by Jesus, even knowing that he would deny Jesus when put to the question. Jesus foretold not only Peter's betrayal, but also Peter's return and that he would be an ongoing leader in the church and source of strength for those around him and those who would follow.

This year we have been looking in particular at John's Gospel, with its themes of light and darkness and God's eternal forgiveness and love. This was particularly suited to the service last night, with the progressive dousing of the light as the service progressed through Jesus' arrest and trial, Peter's betrayal and the rejection of the community and the condemnation of Pilate.

By the end of the service, it was raining and the wind was howling outside - perhaps a cliché, but atmospheric nonetheless. As we left the Carey chapel for the last time, resetting the chairs and taking everything with us, it really was a journey of saying farewell. We stripped the church and took even the doused candles with us, locked the doors and left silently, one at a time into the rain and darkness outside.

This experience really brought home to me the lost-ness, the lack of centre, the destruction of hope and the uncertainty that the disciples would have felt (albeit on a smaller scale). It also brought to mind the persecuted church, and those who have to gather in secret and leave in silence. Holy Spirit comfort and sustain them!

Accepting our Powerlessness

This is (I think) one of the most unpalatable facts about Christianity. That we are here because God created us, that we are as we are because God made us that way. That we are given grace (and enabled to accept it) by God's grace and through His work we are cleansed and made acceptable. Nothing for us to be proud of, no great "self-made men". The only work we have to do is to accept, to cooperate, and to be witnesses. These works are difficult enough that we can only do them with God's help anyway. In everything we are commanded to ask God in prayer, to seek His guidance and empowering through the Holy Spirit, to accept and do His will. I wonder if this is why men seem to have more trouble with faith than women? Maybe it is harder for the self-image of a man to submit than it is for a woman.

On the other hand, there is something restful and freeing about it all. Certainly feeling responsible for everything (especially the salvation of others) is an intolerable burden. Also the fact that we fail at all our self-appointed responsibilities - if we truly were solely responsible there would be no-one to turn to when it all goes pear-shaped.

God in His heaven and all right with the world - there is a certain reassuring inevitability about that.

Offering ourselves- sins and all

What an interesting concept! I always think about offering my work, my best, my virtue to God. If not, then at least my efforts and my best intentions! But Henri Nouwen says:

If we keep waiting until we are "worthy" of God, we will move further, rather than closer to Him. We are called each day to present to the Lord the whole of our lives - our joys as well as sorrows, our successes as well as failures, our hopes as well as fears.

How amazing! I never doubted that God can see all of my life, if He really wanted to, but somehow I think I assumed that He only looked at the best bits and closed His eyes to the rest. Of course this can't be true, since I know that He is with me in the trials as well, and in all my daily activities, but I guess I just thought that He wouldn't be interested in everything. Perhaps He is after all. God always being there in everything I do and say - a new idea for me!

Passover

Tonight was our Solace Passover meal (actual Passover is next week, coinciding with Easter). I love entering into the tradition of storytelling, of recounting the events of our history and owning it as our own story. I love the teaching and community aspects of it - you can't have Passover on your own!

We have a wonderful, abundant meal with symbolic foods, roast lamb, fruit and milk and honey desserts. We told the story of the first Passover, complete with symbolic actions and tastes. This is something I would like to do every year!

Children of God together

The children of God need to support, protect and hold one another to God's heart.

Absolutely. Some of the greatest comfort I have comes from the prayers of my sisters in Christ, both at church (Solace and St Jude's) and online through WWAW and CHFWeb. One of the things I find saddest is when the church tears herself apart with internal divisions and strife, with one part of the Body of Christ turning to another and saying "I don't need you!"

This is what I love about the spiritual Re-making course; it allows us to find the good and find the gifts in those other traditions which we would not necessarily appreciate otherwise. Being invited to return to the charismatic roots I abandoned long ago, I am reminded of the great gifts and fire that are to be had there, as well as how necessary it is for the church to have the gifts of the Holy Spirit in the body. I am so glad the gifts of the HS are for today! And even more glad to have a minister gifted with so many of them! And maybe even to have a little of the giftings myself: intercessory prayer, encouragement and sometimes prophecy (which is really listening to God).

When we abandon the Body, when we try to strike out on our own and do it all our own way, discover God's meaning "for ourselves", then we are alone and vulnerable. We risk making mistakes and wrong interpretations without others to correct us, we are open to go to extremes in one direction and completely ignore others. We are very open to sins of pride and self-righteousness, and at the same time less aware of them. We are vulnerable to emotion and doubt in times of weakness with no-one else to reinforce our moments of weakness. God knows us so well! He made the Church to be everything to us that we need, to complete our human incompleteness and to be family for us all. Thank God for His amazing plans to good to us!

Always journeying, never arriving

This is an aspect of God I find both reassuring (because I will never come to the end of Him) and depressing (I will never know Him "well enough"). It is the task which can never be completed which daunts the heart, yet at the same time completed tasks are in the past and can never be done again, authors fully explored must give way to new ideas by new people - thank God that never happens with Him!

I am always amazed at the variety and difference of God. I was amazed when I first realized this, and I am amazed all over again each time I think about it. God is as different to every one of us as we are from each other. True justice but no sameness, to treat every single person as an individual, taking us all on a case-by-case basis with no "one size fits all", no precedents, no rules and no exceptions. He gives to us each as we need and demands of us as we are gifted and enabled (not necessarily in that order). His is the ultimate respect for the individual, with no illusion that we are all created equal! Love so amazing, so divine, so perfectly tailored and yet so demanding - no comparisons are possible!

Prayer: childlike or childish?

Henri Nouwen has hit the nail on the head once again! He likens our "childish" prayers to asking for a present from Santa Claus, and getting it and running away.

"All the attention is on the gift and none of the one who gives it... your spiritual life is reduced to a beeline toward what you want."

Ouch! Too true to be comfortable! So often my prayer life waxes and wanes with my feelings of being looked after, being tired, being secure, needing security. So often it reflects what *I* want and how *I* feel, and is dependent on my prayers being answered.

I have just finished a book in which a girl prays for twenty years to be rescued - and she finally is. Suddenly, her relationship with God falters - now she has what she needs, she needs a new way to relate to God. I wonder if this is why my prayers falter sometimes - I have everything I need, so I don't see God as "necessary" to work in my life. More than a grain of truth in that.

God sees everyone as special

"Once we deeply trust that we ourselves are precious in God's eyes, we are able to recognize the preciousness of others and their unique places in God's heart."

I think this is they key to evangelism: not to see others as projects, or as a series of arguments to be refuted, or even as people to be convinced. God sees us all as individuals, loves us as individual children, and we need to do the same with everyone. Believers are our brothers and sisters, to be loved and encouraged to grow in every way, including in faith. Non-Christians are also beloved children of God, to be loved and encouraged to grow and to seek God, in whatever way He chooses to reveal Himself to them. When we see people as individuals, then we see them as God sees them. Anything less does a disservice to God's message, and to the individual bearing the image of God in front of us.

Deep trust throughout the ages

The words of Psalm 23 are a prayer for people through the ages. They have been prayed many times, and are today, and will be for maybe thousands of years to come. As we pray these words we are surrounded by the body of Christ - the believers who came before and after us, those of the great united Church which is spread out through all of time. We hold the hands of those who went before us, in order to lead those who will follow us. There is a reassurance and truth in that.

We are not alone, standing on a limb, interpreting the Bible and thinking through doubts for the first time. We have the whole history of God with His people, and all the thoughts and wisdom of those who struggled before us. We still need to adapt the truths to our own time and place, but human nature doesn't change and neither does God. We have more in common (and more to learn) from the ancients and even the "recents" than we think.

Source of Joy

From Henri Nouwen:

Jesus says "In the world you will have troubles, but rejoice, for I have overcome the world." The surprise is not, unexpectedly, that things turn out better than expected. No, the real surprise is that God's light is more real that all the darkness, that God's truth is more powerful than all human lies, that God's love is stronger than death.

Excellent stuff! I admit that I do keep hoping God will change the reality of my everyday life, but even if that never happens, to know that God's light, love and truth are still there in the midst of it all is reassuring.

CS Lewis and Lazarus

Today at Solace I did a reading from CS Lewis "The Silver Chair" - the part where Jill, Eustace and Puddleglum have to decide if they are going to follow Aslan's command or not. I was struck once again at how Lewis so acutely understands the dilemmas of the human heart, and phrases them in ways that anyone could understand. In the end, their dilemma comes down to "He didn't tell us what would happen. He just told us what to do."

The reading from John was the death and raising of Lazarus. I couldn't help noticing that even those who loved Jesus, and those whom He loved also, they still suffered anxiety, disappointment, confusion, sickness and even death. It was all for the glory of God, but they didn't know that at the time.

This is such a contemporary problem - contemporary to everyone, everywhere, at all times - that God does not appear when we call, when we are sick and in need. That God does not answer our prayers promptly and the way we would prefer. That God works all things to His glory and our good, but without asking our permission or letting us know beforehand!

If God were to ask us "Is it OK if I give you a bit of temporary suffering and trials on earth, a bit of anxiety and uncertainty which will allow you to empathize with others and give you opportunities to grow in character, to witness and to minister, before I finally bring you into eternity with Me?" Then, I'm sure we would all agree and count ourselves lucky in the bargain! And yet - isn't this the situation we are in every day? Isn't this exactly the bargain we struck with God when we decided to follow Jesus' way in the first place?

The Path to Glory

Today's quote is about embracing our past, all of it, and giving thanks for it (all of it) in order to use all the lessons of the past in order to grow in our understanding of God's grace, mercy and capacity to forgive. The point is well made that Peter's denials were not an obstacle for him once he turned back, and may well have allowed him to have a better understanding of weakness and fear in others. His denial and forgiveness is certainly encouraging to me! In some ways I like Peter better that he denied and then returned, than if he had done neither.

It is true for me that my mistakes make me more understanding and merciful - I find it easier to forgive mistakes that I have made myself, and understand how they happened. Hard to embrace all of them though, and all the weaknesses they imply. Still, I live in hope!

Seeking a spiritual environment

Mmm. Don't know if I agree with this one. The reading today talks about "When we are serious about living a spiritual life we are responsible for the milieu where it can grow and mature." I suppose that it true to a degree (and this was the reason I cleaned out my bookshelf) but I don't know that cleaning out all the non-Christian aspects of my life is a good (or possible) idea either.

A while ago I visited a Christian household where they have a whole room set aside as a family chapel and prayer room. I thought "what a great idea!" follwed immediately by "I can never have that." The choices already made in my life preclude it - to my great and ongoing grief and sorrow. And yet... if I lived in a Christian family, had all Christian friends, exposed myself to no other influences, I can't help thinking my life would be the poorer for it.

Um. Can this be right? Is it just my narrow experience that makes me feel that Christian novels are all trite and pointless? That most modern Christian art is insipid? That modern Christian music is all about how I feel, to the exclusion of all other themes?

The Christian life can have great depth and richness, but so does the rest of the world. Still, maybe I should create more time for God? Fasting from music starts now...

Do not worry

Good idea! Don't worry about tomorrow, don't worry about money, success, reputation, clothes, food. Great! But how? I'm about to be sued - I won't have to worry about any of that because I won't have any! I suppose that is one way of taking the stress off my mind - if I didn't have a job or any money or assets, I wouldn't have to worry about getting a mortgage!

Still, the point is well taken that the presence of God is greater than anxiety about money or success. Even today, I was able to appreciate the sunrise, enjoy a hot-cross-bun, write to friends. Even today, I know that if I lose it all, I am still God's child and have value for that alone which I didn't earn and which can't be taken away. Despite everything, that is a comfort.

God, my help in trouble

Oh God. Today I received a letter of complaint from a relative of a patient, which says that they are going to take the whole thing to the media - not to trial, to the media. I think I'd rather be sued. I feel sick. How can I trust my own judgement again? How can I stay at work today? How can I give advice, pass myself off as a person with medical knowledge and authority?

The other event of the day was one of the doctors in the ED had her wallet stolen. This is the second time in the same ED. M. was attacked by a parent of one of her patients (looking for drugs). Nice society we live in. Who would want to be a doctor anyway?

Sigh. Text for today: God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Very apt. True too - when I went into mental shutdown and couldn't face seeing a patient (or more accurately, seeing a parent) I went to the chapel. There, I could sit and think. Look at myself and decide if any of what they are saying is true, and if so, what to do about it. Know that whatever happens, I am still loved by God. There is comfort in that knowledge.

Then, I read a little of Romans (8:26) about how the Spirit prays for us when we don't know what to pray, intercedes for us with deep groans - to which I say Amen!

Joy and Sadness

"Even in the most happy moments of our existance there is a tinge of sadness. In all forms of light, there is the knowledge of surrounding darkness."

Our lives here on the unredeemed earth are full of sorrow, trials and frustrated incompleteness. So rarely and briefly do we experience joy. Here communion must end, companionship give way, friends leave, purpose fades, creativity dies. Our leaps into the light of creativity and generosity sink back into the mire of the everyday, and we forget that the hights exist.

How wonderful it will be to live in the New Earth - the redeemed world where we are all in everlasting community, eternal friendship and surrounded by Him who gives all meaning, creativity and purpose! Now we travail, looking forward to His coming and bringing that world. Then, it will all come together and be united in joy - the ultimate wedding of the Lamb! All that we love will be redeemed and transformed and be its best self: wine, chocolate, swimming in the ocean, rolling down grassy hills, long nights talking with friends. Sickness will be banished, all evil, sin and suffering passed away. The Lord will live in our hearts, and we will all be His. Come soon, Lord Jesus!

Prayer Renews

"Prayer creates that openness where God can give himself to man...This openness does not simply come of itself."

This was certainly my experience last night at the Taize service. I planned to go, hoping to have a profound God-experience to revitalize my flagging spirits (which always seems to happen during Lent). I think I planned badly, because I went to a house inspection on the way there - a frame of mind guaranteed to produce critical thinking, and I was in a rush and running late.

In this context, it was hardly surprising that I found it difficult to settle down and listen to God. My head was full of calculations about how much the bank might lend us, whether to build our own place after all, where those last two bank statements went in the first place, what I have to do tomorrow, etc, etc. I tried several times to discipline my mind, but I just had that "hamster wheel" experience of running in place. By the time I settled enough to pray, the service was nearly over.

I wonder if this online Lent journal is really a good idea? Typing out my stream of consciousness is all very well, but I think I meditate and reflect better with an old-fashioned pen in my hand.

How do I understand God?

Today's Lent meditation asks how we think of God: as a punitive authority? a kindly but powerless grandfather? a judge with a long record of our misdeeds?

I think it is very true that how I think of God influences my relationship with Him. When I think of God the Creator I am in awe and a bit afraid of this powerful God who seems to big. When I think of God the Father, that is better, but then I don't want to disappoint Him, so I try to hide my failings. God the Holy Spirit is both inspiring and scary, God the judge of the Old Testament I try not to think about - how does He fit with the Abba of the New? Jesus I can talk to, and he's the one I come to for comfort and forgiveness, he was human and knows what I am all about.

Perhaps I need to integrate my view of God, and learn to love and trust Him in all His various aspects. I wish there was a "mother" God, or any kind of woman God to talk to - sometimes a girl just wants another woman to talk to.

Surprised by Joy

I am always surprised that from very inauspcious Christian beginnings, I am a still a Christian today (some twelve years later).

I first prayed to God by asking Him for a bargain, joined a Christian community for the free cordial, textbooks and tutoring, and went to church from a sense of obligation and obedience. From these selfish, legalistic beginnings, God has been able to show me the joy of being a Christian! In addition to the bargain I first made, and the free cordial, textbooks and tutoring (all of which were duly delivered) I also have the freedom and assurance of eternity with God - starting with the Holy Spirit in me now! I have a church community which encourages me to grow, and several online communities also, the Word of God for learning, the Holy Spirit for guidance and comfort, and a life full of purpose and good words prepared in advance for me to do!

There were so many things I worried about before becoming a Christian, but I never anticipated the joy! (There is sorrow too, but that's another post.) God blesses me with His joy and peace, which is not dependent on my circumstances. He gives me His ear, and as His child I can come before His throne. The Holy Spirit convicts, reminds, guides and occasionally speaks in me. I have joy when I least expected it - when forgiving, when exercising self-discipline, when sitting in silence. Truly, if I only stop to see it, Jesus came to give me life and joy in abundance!