In the afternoon I had a lot of abdominal pain, and suddenly passed a large amount of fresh blood. That was frightening, but I pulled myself together and went in search of the O&G Reg. Leah was on, and was very good about it all. I'm afraid I rather fell apart on her, and by then the pain and bleeding was getting beyond anything that could be passed off as "spotting" and I was starting to worry seriously about ectopics - I was at about the right stage by dates.
She took me into a side room and did an ultrasound on the spot - one of the perks of the business. I think I made her late for theatre, but she was very thorough. She didn't see any sac in the uterus at all - either I'm having a miscarriage or an ectopic, and either way I'm not having a baby. She offered to refer me to one of the big clinics in the city which specializes in this sort of ultrasound, but we both know even the experts can't find what isn't there.
We discussed a plan (especially considering that I can't leave until we get the cover thing sorted out) and decided that I should get another bHCG test. If it is still high then I drop everything and go to the best ultrasound and O&G place for surgery for presumed ectopic pregnancy. If it is low, then it is a miscarriage and there is nothing to be done, and I guess I can just go home. I should have asked her if there is anything else I need to do, but I can't talk about it.
I guess I just go back to work until the results are through, and try not to think about it. I can't believe it is only the middle of the afternoon - surely it must be nearly midnight by now? I still have an LP to do and a family meeting to run. Leah thinks I should leave, and I suppose no-one is indispensible. On the other hand, Dean is in surgery, so he can't drop everything and come home, and being at work with things to do and decisions to make at least keeps my mind busy. I think I would go crazy at home alone with nothing to do but think.
I'm not working well. I have the urge to start crying at odd intervals - thank God I have a cold! I can pass off the need for tissues and no-one is commenting on my "conjunctivitis". They don't know I am/was pregnant anyway, so I don't want to tell them just for their sympathy. I don't want to tell anyone - how can I talk about this?
I'm going though all the usual stages - Was it something I ate? Did I work too hard? Did I expose myself to some infectious agent? Was I too happy? Was I not discreet enough? Is God punishing me for something? Was it because I told too many people? Did I not want the baby enough? I know it has nothing to do with any of that, but I can't help feeling vaguely guilty - it must be something wrong with me - maybe I'm just not "maternal" enough in some way.
Leah keeps sending me little paged messages about how I should go home, how she is there if I want to talk. I don't want to talk. I don't want to tell anyone - how can I tell everyone? What will they all say? Will they blame me? Will they say I should just move on and have another one? Will they be so kind that I just melt down completely? I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want today to be over so I can go home and cry. I'm alone in my body again, just me, no baby, no family. The last thing I want to do is to run a family meeting, but Rachel is gone and Ania hasn't called back. Physically I feel OK apart from the ongoing abdominal pain, and heart pain doesn't seem like sufficient reason to leave work. I guess I just keep going and try not to think about it.
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