Hubris

It has taken me over five years to truly admit that I am a sinful person. I always knew I was a falling-short-of-the-goal and no-one-is-perfect sinner - I didn't have a problem admitting that, but I never realized before that I am a wilfully-going-my-own-way-and-ignoring-God kind of sinner. The serving-two-masters kind, who knows best what is best her own life, regardless of what God says is best. The rebellious-heart, hardened-spirit kind of sinner - the real kind.

CS Lewis wrote that:

"The first step is realizing that you are proud. If you don't think you are proud, then you are very proud indeed."

Five and a half (probably closer to six and half) years on, I realized what he meant. I knew what I wanted for my own life, and I decided to get it, even knowing that God didn't want me to make this choice. I have deluded myself for years, saying that I was a young Christian then, that I had lots of conflicting advice, that I didn't know what the Bible meant or how to read it. Those things may all be more or less true, but the bottom line is that I knew God didn't want me to choose this life for myself, and I did it anyway.

Why? Out of fear, I suppose. Fear of missing out, of letting go of something good. Lack of trust that God would provide something better. Lack of trust that obedience is the best way. Lack of trust in God, and fear that the world could offer something better that God didn't want me to have. So, I thought I could have it both ways - choose for myself and repent afterwards. Go my own way, and hope that God would make it right later. Rebel in the sure knowledge of forgiveness and reconciliation. I think this is what it called "trampling on God's grace" or "cheap grace". I had never applied those words to myself before.

So now what? Here I am, an acknowledged sinner, who needs forgiveness. Nothing has really changed, it's just that I'm more aware of it. I want to repent, and I can understand the grief that tears its clothes and pours ashes on its head. I want to do penance - fasting or suffering somehow to show God my sincerity. And yet, would any of those things help? I don't think so. I can't earn forgiveness (much as I would like to) and I can't change the past. I live with the consequences of my sin daily, and God is here too. He suffers for my bad choices with me - how unfair is that? And yet a great comfort, for who else is there to turn to? Broken down, with no pride left, I come back empty handed and say "You were right, I was wrong. Forgive me. Help me. Only You can make it right." And so I pray, and wait...