The old question of who to tell is a difficult one. I want to tell the whole world - but I know that wouldn't be a good idea. Bad things don't often happen, but the risky time is still until two more months. If we told Dora, it seems fair and symmetrical that we should tell my aunts and cousins, and yet we are not as close to them and don't see them as often. I think we will wait until we next see them.
People at church is very hard - I want to tell them all, especially since I want their prayers and support and ideas and just to share thoughts. I've probably already told too many, but then Mel clarified it for me by saying "Think also about who you would be prepared to tell if things went wrong, and who you want to support you then." This is very sensible advice, and now I feel better about telling so many people - I wouldn't mind if they knew if anything did go wrong, and I think I would need their prayers.
Both my online communities have been absolutely fantastic - I think I have received over twenty e-cards and emails from each! I really value CHFWeb in particular, since most of the women there have LOTS of experience with babies and child-raising, and I expect I will be there every few days looking for advice and reassurance.
I am more anxious than I expected. Now that the initial euphoria is wearing off, I am starting to think about how we will never be just "us" again, as a couple. We will never be a "young professional couple" again, not be able to take off for a weekend away if we feel like it, maybe never have an evening alone together again! I am excited, but also a bit afraid of what all this will mean - especially for where we are going to live! This adds a new urgency to our house-hunting exercises!
Mel has loaned me a book on pregnancy, which I quite like. It is normal, and fun, and light reading with none of the scary obstetric information which I really don't want to know. I don't want to be doctor for this, and I don't want to think about the kind of deliveries I usually attend. I just want to be number seven million and thirty four, not special to anyone else, not remarkable in any way, no drama, nothing to excite medical tea-room talk. I don't want to be a "I saw this amazing case yesterday" example for students - those always turn out badly. I want to be just a perfectly straightforward delivery, and the students can watch if they like but no student is laying a hand on me! I wonder which of my bosses I would be prepared to have see me at the delivery, with it all "hanging out"? I'll have to think about that!
Monday, May 30, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Pregnancy tales
I think pregnancy suits me. I'm not really very sick - I don't know if this is just me or all the ginger tea working. I have the urge to eat properly for the first time in my life! No longer do fish and chips look tempting (that's an understatement!) and I just want salads and dairy food - very unusual! Even the usual consequences of lactose intolerance don't put me off. It was very weird to be making pizza and holding a tub of ricotta, only to suddenly realize that instead of spreading it thinly on the pizza I just wanted to take a spoon and eat it straight! I have even bought a pack of yoghurt tubs - unheard of!
So far we have told both grandmothers (of course Marion said we should have told her sooner rather than waiting a whole eight hours for the sun to rise) both aunties (Helen wants to know what colour to make the knitting) and Dean's aunt Dora. That doesn't seem like very many - I want to tell everyone! I also want to tell some friends at church who have had babies - I realize now I don't know that many people with babies, and experiencing it is totally different from reading about it. I want to call on their first-hand knowledge and have their support, especially Mel and Kate.
And of course, I want to tell those who read this, so they find out from me personally and not on the internet! Funny, I didn't mind telling Tereza by email (I gave her credit for her system, even though I don't know if that was really it or not) but somehow reading it on a blog is a bit different. Tereza called back straight away, of course, and made a very satisfying fuss. I feel a bit ridiculous taking credit for something I haven't really done and didn't have control over, but at the same time I just feel so happy and blessed that all the congratulations seem appropriate!
So far we have told both grandmothers (of course Marion said we should have told her sooner rather than waiting a whole eight hours for the sun to rise) both aunties (Helen wants to know what colour to make the knitting) and Dean's aunt Dora. That doesn't seem like very many - I want to tell everyone! I also want to tell some friends at church who have had babies - I realize now I don't know that many people with babies, and experiencing it is totally different from reading about it. I want to call on their first-hand knowledge and have their support, especially Mel and Kate.
And of course, I want to tell those who read this, so they find out from me personally and not on the internet! Funny, I didn't mind telling Tereza by email (I gave her credit for her system, even though I don't know if that was really it or not) but somehow reading it on a blog is a bit different. Tereza called back straight away, of course, and made a very satisfying fuss. I feel a bit ridiculous taking credit for something I haven't really done and didn't have control over, but at the same time I just feel so happy and blessed that all the congratulations seem appropriate!
Monday, May 23, 2005
We're having a baby!
I can't believe it! I got to write in my diary twice, then it was all over! I don't know if this means Tereza's system works or not? I think it from the timing it must have been while we were on holidays, maybe even my birthday!
I have been feeling a little sick the last week or so, just intermittently and not particularly more in the morning, but I decided that working in a hospital has to have a few perks, so I went down to the Emergency Department and asked the consultant there how they usually do these tests. She said sure they could do one for me - was it for myself? I admitted that it was, but she said that was fine, and it's not often a paediatric registrar comes looking for a pregnancy test...
The nurse ran the test through the machine for me (tactfully not asking me for patient details) and thoughtfully left the room one the run was started, saying "You've got five minutes to amuse yourself." I tried to concentrate on writing notes, and checking my to-do list for the evening, but couldn't help keeping one eye on the timer.
00:03, 00:02 (Oh no, am I really ready for this?) 00:01 (Do I want it to be positive or negative? We've been trying for nearly two years altogether, but I'm still not sure I'm ready.) 00:00 Decision time! Computer printing result... Now I really can't stand it - I have to know, and yet I have to wait.
bHCG - positive
This little slip of paper in my hand, with no patient details, just the words:
When I thought I could control my expression, I came out of the testing room, to find the nurse and the ED consultant waiting expectantly (!) outside. Swee said "So, did it work?" and I nodded, and the two of them looked at each other and at me and said "Well?" and I just could stop smiling and nodded, and they both hugged me and offered me the use of the office to make as many private phone calls as I liked.
I didn't want to tell Dean over the phone, so I took the little slip of paper and hid it in the bottom of my purse until the end of the shift. When I got home, I showed it to him and demanded my pink moccasins! (All the pregnant women on the labour ward at Northern wear pink moccasins, I think it's some kind of uniform. I had said that when I got pregnant I would start wearing moccasins - but now it's not a joke!)
I have been feeling a little sick the last week or so, just intermittently and not particularly more in the morning, but I decided that working in a hospital has to have a few perks, so I went down to the Emergency Department and asked the consultant there how they usually do these tests. She said sure they could do one for me - was it for myself? I admitted that it was, but she said that was fine, and it's not often a paediatric registrar comes looking for a pregnancy test...
The nurse ran the test through the machine for me (tactfully not asking me for patient details) and thoughtfully left the room one the run was started, saying "You've got five minutes to amuse yourself." I tried to concentrate on writing notes, and checking my to-do list for the evening, but couldn't help keeping one eye on the timer.
00:03, 00:02 (Oh no, am I really ready for this?) 00:01 (Do I want it to be positive or negative? We've been trying for nearly two years altogether, but I'm still not sure I'm ready.) 00:00 Decision time! Computer printing result... Now I really can't stand it - I have to know, and yet I have to wait.
bHCG - positive
This little slip of paper in my hand, with no patient details, just the words:
May 23, 2005 bHCG positiveand now my life will never be the same, and I'm so happy! Also, I'm glad that I'm happy and that I am ready after all! I can't wait to tell everyone I know - I know I shouldn't, but I'm so delighted!
When I thought I could control my expression, I came out of the testing room, to find the nurse and the ED consultant waiting expectantly (!) outside. Swee said "So, did it work?" and I nodded, and the two of them looked at each other and at me and said "Well?" and I just could stop smiling and nodded, and they both hugged me and offered me the use of the office to make as many private phone calls as I liked.
I didn't want to tell Dean over the phone, so I took the little slip of paper and hid it in the bottom of my purse until the end of the shift. When I got home, I showed it to him and demanded my pink moccasins! (All the pregnant women on the labour ward at Northern wear pink moccasins, I think it's some kind of uniform. I had said that when I got pregnant I would start wearing moccasins - but now it's not a joke!)
Monday, May 16, 2005
Home from Perth
We are back from Perth, and I was feeling a little travel-sick, not sure if it is more than usual or not, so I did a pregnancy test - nothing. At the conference Dean and John were busy all day, so I met up with Ilse who is here with the twins! They are so cute - 10 month old boys, crawling and almost walking, but so different! One is large and placid, good eater, good sleeper and a generally happy baby. The other is driven, hyperactive, won't sit still, won't sleep, won't settle - I can't imagine what it will be like when he is walking (in about a week's time, I think). They are such a handful, I can't imagine having twins, but I would like one...
I have decided that after all this last two years of mucking about, and on-again, off-again trying for a baby it is time to get systematic about this. Tereza says that every third day is the best time to try, so I'm going to write it in my diary and keep track. I'm listening to myself, thinking this is pretty ridiculous and terribly Type A, but never mind, as the song says "Do you want a child or not?"
I have decided that after all this last two years of mucking about, and on-again, off-again trying for a baby it is time to get systematic about this. Tereza says that every third day is the best time to try, so I'm going to write it in my diary and keep track. I'm listening to myself, thinking this is pretty ridiculous and terribly Type A, but never mind, as the song says "Do you want a child or not?"
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Margaret River
We have been driving around the Margaret River area, and I can see why this is the first place everyone mentions when I said we were coming to WA. It is beautiful, fertile, full of wineries and little cottage industries like cheese, lavendar, mead, olive oil and landscape photography. I think if I lived here I would be a landscape photographer too!
Yesterday we were driving to the last winery we wanted to see, and we came over the hill and looked down over the vines as the sun was setting. The evening rays were just slanting down through the clouds to highlight the vines, and there were grapes as far as I could see. I was struck once again at God's extravagant abundance, poured out for us so generously that not only do we have more than we need to eat, but we can spend it frivolously making boutique wines and other inefficient but enjoyable food products.
I also realized how much the abundance of the earth is in God's hands. Seems strange not to have thought much about this before. I think all the talk of droughts and weather brings it closer to my mind - I can see why country people feel closer to God than do city people who work in heated buildings and don't have to think about the weather.
The growers sow and water, but if God doesn't make the harvest grow or send suitable weather, then all their labour is in vain. No-one but God can make the harvest happen. The parallel with evangelism is obvious, so why do I keep going over and over the same ground in the hope that more ploughing will produce more fruit??
Yesterday we were driving to the last winery we wanted to see, and we came over the hill and looked down over the vines as the sun was setting. The evening rays were just slanting down through the clouds to highlight the vines, and there were grapes as far as I could see. I was struck once again at God's extravagant abundance, poured out for us so generously that not only do we have more than we need to eat, but we can spend it frivolously making boutique wines and other inefficient but enjoyable food products.
I also realized how much the abundance of the earth is in God's hands. Seems strange not to have thought much about this before. I think all the talk of droughts and weather brings it closer to my mind - I can see why country people feel closer to God than do city people who work in heated buildings and don't have to think about the weather.
The growers sow and water, but if God doesn't make the harvest grow or send suitable weather, then all their labour is in vain. No-one but God can make the harvest happen. The parallel with evangelism is obvious, so why do I keep going over and over the same ground in the hope that more ploughing will produce more fruit??
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
My Birthday
Well, it's another birthday, and for the first time I understand why people don't like them. Previously birthdays had always meant another milestone, another year with all its achievements and experiences and activities behind and a new one in front.
This year I am just aware that I'm getting older and haven't accomplished what I wanted - I always thought I would have a baby before I turned 30, or 31 at the latest, but here I am. Still, now we are on holidays in Perth and off the stressful lifestyle with lots of time, who knows? Dean promised me a baby for my birthday, so maybe tonight is our lucky night!
This year I am just aware that I'm getting older and haven't accomplished what I wanted - I always thought I would have a baby before I turned 30, or 31 at the latest, but here I am. Still, now we are on holidays in Perth and off the stressful lifestyle with lots of time, who knows? Dean promised me a baby for my birthday, so maybe tonight is our lucky night!
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Orthodox Easter
Easter again yesterday. I find Orthodox Easter incredibly depressing. Not the spectacle itself, nor the service nor the church, nor even that fact that it is all in a language I don't understand. I love the candles, the symbolic action of dousing al the lights to let Jesus Light of the World enter the darkness at midnight. Even the celebratory fireworks (which the priest hates) I like.
No, the thing which bothers me about Orthodox Easter is all those people turning up, probably more than 1,500 at the church last night, and going away having been scolded by the priest for being "barbarians" for letting off fireworks and ruining "his" Easter.
Surely, surely, with over a thousand people to speak to, most of whom this is the only time in the whole year for them to turn up to church, he might have a message of hope, of life, of forgiveness, of love, or reconciliation or an invitation to seek further? No - a bitter comment about the inappropriate fireworks. What's more, that's all we talked about afterwards as well! Mainly about how this happens every year, and every year the priest gets angry about it, and isn't it strange how the congregation is becoming more alienated and smaller every year...
No, the thing which bothers me about Orthodox Easter is all those people turning up, probably more than 1,500 at the church last night, and going away having been scolded by the priest for being "barbarians" for letting off fireworks and ruining "his" Easter.
Surely, surely, with over a thousand people to speak to, most of whom this is the only time in the whole year for them to turn up to church, he might have a message of hope, of life, of forgiveness, of love, or reconciliation or an invitation to seek further? No - a bitter comment about the inappropriate fireworks. What's more, that's all we talked about afterwards as well! Mainly about how this happens every year, and every year the priest gets angry about it, and isn't it strange how the congregation is becoming more alienated and smaller every year...
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