Remaking course

Last night was the Remaking course, and once again I have come away with "The Wisdom of Liz". I think the reason I find her insights so helpful is that she is so different from me - everything I would like to be, but am not. She said:

I have failed at many things in my life, but that doesn't matter with God.

I realized that this is so true! Sounds easy, but so many times in life we are judged on the basis of what we do, what we produce, how much we earn, etc. "Performance" is the bottom line nearly all the time, even in the church. When we fail at something, it is not just about failing that one thing, but also about acceptance, status, competence, self-esteem - there are so many issues caught up in one failure! It is reassuring to think that God is the one person who doesn't care. He can (and does) love us just as we are, even before we acknowledged His existance. More Wisdom of Liz to follow, when I find the paper I wrote it on!

Church History

Church history is fascinating! I can't believe I never read any before! It is also so useful, since seeing the grand scope of the history of the church puts the current issues in context. Seeing how previous generations of the church dealt with some issues helps see how we might come through ours, and also gives me hope that God is there in the process. It is also very helpful in understanding other denominations, like the Catholic/Orthodox split, or the uses of icons in the Orthodox church.

One of the best parts was the explanation of how the system of penances and indulgences came about. I still think it is shonky theology, but now I can see how the need arose for "sinners" to be accepted back into the church and how a mechanism was needed to do this (penances) and how since saints were so holy they might be able to spare some for those in need, for a price (indulgences). I'm sure this is a dreadful simplification of the issues, but the emotional need is obvious - how to deal with sin after baptism?

It is also very reassuring to see how God has guided the church through some of the great dilemmas of past ages. Some of the early heresies could have lead to the downfall of Christianity if they had taken over or been written into the Creeds. God has guided the church through the collapse of the Roman Empire, which must have seemed at the time to be the end of the world, and through many other crises since, and we're still here! This sense of continuity is very important - we need to hold hands with the past in order to reach forward into the future. If we forget where we have been, we will circle back and end up in the same troubles! We also don't want to forget some of the great truths which have been learned in previous generations. Most of all, we want to be part of the great and ongoing community of Christians everywhere throughout time! Our family still includes those members who have "fallen asleep" and we don't want to forget them, or what they taught us of God.

I have heard it described as three sides of a triangle: God's revelations through the Holy Spirit, the teachings and wisdom of the Bible, the accumulated wisdom and revelation of the church (tradition). I suppose the Orthodox are the best at tradition, though the Catholics are big in this area as well. The Pentecostals have the corner on the Holy Spirit, and the Evangelicals the Bible. I suppose Anglicans are a blend of Bible and tradition. I wonder what a church would look like which managed to hold all three in balance, and listen to the voice of God through all?

Getting back to basics

Read this while surfing today at http://www.signposts.org.au/

The persecuted church strips its faith to a simplicity of Jesus is my Lord and Saviour and I cling to Him. This was true for the early church and for the current church in China and some other places. How do we in the Western world strip down to the simple power of “Jesus is my Lord and Saviour and I cling to Him”?

Interesting point. I think the Orthodox would have a lot to say about this. We are the "Protest-ant" church have a lot of experience in nit-picking each other and protesting against when we see others have got it wrong. We split off according to convictions of one sort or another, and redefine each other out of the faith. I read another quote (I think Brian McLaren again) along the lines of "If the Bible does not yield its best to someone looking for a verse to beat his brother over the head with, then we have done a lot of people a disservice."

If only we could strip back the complex garments of our faith system and theology and get back to the basics of faith underneath. If only we could look past the differences of those dressed in different faith garments and see the same faith beating underneath - Jesus is my Lord and Saviour and I cling to Him.

I'm not depressed, but...

I am not depressed. I have never experienced that deep sickness of the soul which makes everything look black, that altered brain chemistry which in no way resembles what most people mean when it is raining and they look out and say "Oh, that's so depressing". I've seen that pit of despair, and what I feel in no way equates with that.

This morning I looked around our flat and realized that I hate it. I really hate this place, this small, cramped, messy apartment with stuff everywhere. I realize most of the stuff is mine, and that I wouldn't feel this way if I could clean up a bit. I started, but then felt hopelessly overwhelmed with the magnitude and pointlessness of the task. If I clean it up, bitter experience has showed that it will just re-accumulate.

Then I realized that it is not just the apartment that I hate - it's my life. When did work and study take over so that I never see friends? When did we stop socializing with anyone? When did I get stuck in this life? I wanted to do something dramatic, something to either change my life or destroy it. I got a wild urge to sign a contract to buy a house, quit my job, leave home, walk under a bus - anything to change something! I finally realized what people who OD might be thinking. When I ask them "why did you do this?" They often say "I don't know, but it has to have been better than this!" People who have nothing to lose can do anything, since anything would be better than where they are.

Then again, I do have lots to lose and lots to live for. I'm not going to kill myself or anything like that - I'm just tired of the daily grind, and need some new coffee - hah. (Since I don't drink coffee, that's a joke.) I'm looking forward to Ballarat - at least it will be a change and a chance to start again in a new place.

Monday irritability?

Actually, I don't think it was about working on a Sunday after all - maybe I'm just becoming an angry person. Or maybe I always was an angry person, but am only now realizing it. Unsettling thought. I'm not sure if this is the conviction of the Holy Spirit or just an unpleasant insight. What a drag. Knowing this means that I am going to have to work (hard work) on changing it. I don't feel like changing. I'm tired. Sometimes I just think I'm tired of caring.

A few nights ago I was working late (the resident was sick and the cover very inexperienced) so I felt that I had to tidy everything up as much as possible before leaving. Two hours after finishing time (15 hours from starting time) I was just exhausted. All day talking, explaining, thinking, making decisions, explaining those decisions, giving mini-medical educations, etc. Usually I like the educational aspects of my job, but last week I was just tired out. The last family of the day was anxious, concerned about their child (fair enough I don't blame them for that) but the child was clearly quite well and in the resolution phase of the illness. They were insisting on coming into hospital, which in my opinion would expose them to much more illness (hospitals being full of sick people) and would take the child out of her home environment and would expose her to treatments and procedures which she didn't need, and which would be a waste of resources on an essentially well child.

I almost got started explaining all of that, and thought "why bother?". If they want to come into hospital let them. I don't get paid any more for standing here arguing with them, and anyway, why should I care more about the health of their child than they do? Let them have what they want, they'll be happy, and I can go home. I can see why lots of GPs just hand over the antibiotics - much quicker than educating everyone, and you get lots of happy customers. The last parent I spent nearly an hour on educating and teaching how to rehydrate her child in the comfort of her own home ended up saying "lot of good you are!" on her way out, when it became obvious I thought she should take her child home.

People seem to think the hospital is some magic place which if only they can get into it, all their problems will be over. So many times I hear "but you must know" or "there must be something you can do". The days of the pax antibiotica are nearly over. The real threats to health are no longer curable with a tablet - viruses and lifestyle diseases will kill the majority of the patients I see these days. The fears of pneumonia and sepsis are overblown. Their days are over. We can and do treat these, even TB and leprosy are yielding. The days of AIDS and SARS and bird 'flu and Hepatitis Q are coming, not to mention heart disease, obesity, cancer and dementia. People are kidding themselves if they think that giving more money to medical research can save them from these.

More and more these days I think medicine is fighting a losing battle, if the idea is to save life. Medicine can offer pain relief, limited palliation and a small hope to wield in the face of the idea that we are all dying. Our only hope for eternal life lies with God, not medicine. Sometimes I wish I could be a minister instead of a doctor, and do work of eternal significance, rather than this piecemeal patching up of bodies so that people can go on living the way they have always done, and which made them sick in the first place. Does that sound too cynical? I suppose it does, but sometimes I am just too tired to care...

Sunday irritability

I really don't like working Sundays. Selfishly, I can't help thinking about where I would rather be, what I would rather be doing. This is worst on Sundays, but also noticable on public holidays, everyone is a bit down thinking that the rest of the world is having a good time while we have to work.

Today I was extremely busy, and some of the patients were quite sick, and it was Sunday, and ... well, I just didn't control my temper. :( One of the ED residents paged me three times in less than ten minutes, then had me voice paged through the overhead PA system to call Emergency. Heart racing, I dropped everything and called ED - to discover that the resident wanted to remind me to see a baby with diarrhoea. I tore a long, bloody strip off her over the phone, then hung up. I felt so guilty afterwards - she had been inappropriate, but I wouldn't normally respond that way. I don't know why some people do this routinely - I felt terrible!

I have been thinking for a while that I am too "approachable", which encourages juniors to ring and just chat, instead of working up a child properly and giving a concise summary and plan. I wanted to encourage them to think for themselves more, to apply what they already know, but I don't think this is necessarily the best way to achieve that. I don't want to make them afraid to call me, as I remember being, but it does provide a certain incentive. Maybe surgical registrars are onto a good thing after all.

The remaining question is what I should do about it now? I went and saw the child and sent him home (as I knew I would) but the resident is avoiding me, and I'm allowing it. I think she should apologize to me, she undoubtedly feels the same. I know that I was right and she was inappropriate - she would never do that to an ortho reg! But in the interests of Christian reconciliation maybe I should apologize anyway, even though I don't think I was wrong? Or would that negate the points I wanted to make to her in the first place? Tricky...

The Last Word, and the Word After That...

Brian McLaren has terrible taste in titles for his books, but they are interesting nonetheless. I am about half-way through this one, and I admit I'm finding it pretty disturbing at times - BDM seems very keen to tear away everything I thought I knew about Christianity, and I find the process rather frightening. I keep asking myself "could this be true?" and "if it is, what does it all mean?" It is more of this moving into complexity which I'm not sure I need right now.

I mean, I got used to the idea that "heaven" as I've previously thought of it probably doesn't exist, and that we will all live in the "New Heaven and New Earth". The transition wasn't that hard really - trading one hard to imagine eternity for another hard to imagine eternity.

But if hell doesn't exist either? This will change how I think about God, evangelism, faith, Christianity, everything really. The new way will not have some of the problems of the old, but I don't know if I'm really ready for it. I'm not sure I understand the old way yet! Clearly there is a lot of thought and study still to be done on this topic, but I have a feeling it is important work...

Still thinking about beggars...

That Good Samaritan story from a week or so ago still has me thinking. What really is the best way to respond to beggars? Am I willing to turn away some genuine cases, just because I know that not all cases are genuine? I can't know what the percentage is - call it 30% - am I willing to give a little to the non-genuine ones in order to do good a minority of the time?

What about the others? It must take a pretty broken-down person to sit behind a sign asking others for money, even if you do have a place to sleep and food to eat. What about the story of the manager who said "I'm too proud to beg" - I think I would have to sink a long way to take that path myself. How needy does someone have to be in order to be "genuine" anyway? What about those who are "undeserving"? Is their need any less because of that? If they've spent their last dollars on cigarettes or drugs, that doesn't make them any less likely to starve without food!

I had a thought - what about vouchers? Coles certainly has them, and a wide range of items are available from Coles, not just food. Maybe that would be a better way of giving, without helping someone with a drug habit. Seeing a beggar throw away food changed the way I think about this whole issue - obviously food isn't the only need, maybe not even the main one. (It also made me quite cynical for a while, but I don't think this the attitude that Jesus would want me to have. He said to give to everyone who asks, so I just need to find a practical way of carrying that out. Coles is available pretty much everywhere, including in the city, so maybe that would work?

Passing the peace

Today at church we did something I haven't done in a long time, and I was so touched by the symbolism of it which I had never really appreciated before. We "passed the peace" shaking hands and wishing other members of the congregation well, saying "The peace of the Lord be with you." I had never really thought about those words before, but the peace of the Lord is a profound wish for someone. I really wish Dean understood it.

Christians and work

Once again it has come to my attention at work that the thing we Christians are famous for, is not being willing to work Sundays. This is our defining feature, this is what we are known for? There is something seriously wrong here.

I remember a while ago St Hil's was talking about becoming a church which was known for its ability to pray. The Quakers were famous for keeping their word without oaths, promises or contracts (or was it the Shakers?). The Amish were famous for their dedication to living God's way as they understood it. We are famous for - wait for it - refusing to help out when asked. :(

I am reluctant to take this up with the person concerned, partly because I feel it will be viewed as whinging on my part, but also because I know it will look self-interested and interfering. If she refuses to work extra days, who has to do them? So I am hardly disinterested in this conversation. And, yet, as an "older" Christian, I wonder, do I have a duty to mention something? It sounds so condescending, and I don't think she'll listen, but does that absolve me of the duty to try? Or is it none of my business anyway? As long as I can say "no" when she asks me to work all her Sundays, should I even try to stop her asking others? So far I have not, but I still feel a vague sense that I should...

Hubris

It has taken me over five years to truly admit that I am a sinful person. I always knew I was a falling-short-of-the-goal and no-one-is-perfect sinner - I didn't have a problem admitting that, but I never realized before that I am a wilfully-going-my-own-way-and-ignoring-God kind of sinner. The serving-two-masters kind, who knows best what is best her own life, regardless of what God says is best. The rebellious-heart, hardened-spirit kind of sinner - the real kind.

CS Lewis wrote that:

"The first step is realizing that you are proud. If you don't think you are proud, then you are very proud indeed."

Five and a half (probably closer to six and half) years on, I realized what he meant. I knew what I wanted for my own life, and I decided to get it, even knowing that God didn't want me to make this choice. I have deluded myself for years, saying that I was a young Christian then, that I had lots of conflicting advice, that I didn't know what the Bible meant or how to read it. Those things may all be more or less true, but the bottom line is that I knew God didn't want me to choose this life for myself, and I did it anyway.

Why? Out of fear, I suppose. Fear of missing out, of letting go of something good. Lack of trust that God would provide something better. Lack of trust that obedience is the best way. Lack of trust in God, and fear that the world could offer something better that God didn't want me to have. So, I thought I could have it both ways - choose for myself and repent afterwards. Go my own way, and hope that God would make it right later. Rebel in the sure knowledge of forgiveness and reconciliation. I think this is what it called "trampling on God's grace" or "cheap grace". I had never applied those words to myself before.

So now what? Here I am, an acknowledged sinner, who needs forgiveness. Nothing has really changed, it's just that I'm more aware of it. I want to repent, and I can understand the grief that tears its clothes and pours ashes on its head. I want to do penance - fasting or suffering somehow to show God my sincerity. And yet, would any of those things help? I don't think so. I can't earn forgiveness (much as I would like to) and I can't change the past. I live with the consequences of my sin daily, and God is here too. He suffers for my bad choices with me - how unfair is that? And yet a great comfort, for who else is there to turn to? Broken down, with no pride left, I come back empty handed and say "You were right, I was wrong. Forgive me. Help me. Only You can make it right." And so I pray, and wait...

The strange incident of the fish in the night-time

A few weeks ago, one of the nurses left a message on my windshield, asking where I had bought my Christian “fish” symbol on the back of my car. (I bought it for totally the wrong reasons, primarily defiance and because I could, since I knew Dean would not approve – hardly an auspicious beginning.) So I bought her one from the same shop in the city, and took it to work and gave it to her. No big deal, or so I thought. She seemed very shy about letting anyone know what it was. (I thought it was just me that got embarrassed about being too “out there” with my faith.) So we managed the whole exchange without ever mentioning what it was that we were talking about, or showing it to anyone.

I went home that night rather sad – I think we missed an opportunity to show people that Christians are around, are normal people, are part of the workplace. We both wear crosses, but I don’t know if anyone really notices. The next morning I went to work resolved to do better.

One of the nurses from the night before said to me “So what was it that you gave Lorrie last night? She never showed us?” And my chance was before me – I tried not to blow it, not to sound overly eager, nor too self-conscious, just natural as if this were a normal part of life. I said “Oh it was a bumper sticker of a fish I got for Lorrie from a Christian bookshop in the city.” (Not bad, I thought.) Then the nurse got that expression on her face which reminds me of why I don’t generally do this kind of witnessing. She looked like I had mentioned something indecent in public, but was too polite to bring this to my attention. She quickly excused herself and walked off, leaving me thinking “Was I right? Was my judgement better last night, when neither of us said anything? And yet, why should Christianity be the one thing we can’t admit to in public?

The Good Samaritan

On Sunday we did this parable again - I always find it hard to think about the Good Samaritan. I guess I don't really understand the point of it - it seems to set such an unreasonable standard. There is no way I can even meet the needs of those of my immediate acquaintance and family, let alone beggars and strangers on the street!

We had a lot of discussion about beggars, but didn't really come to any conclusions. I think this is an issue that everyone struggles with - is it about money? Are they genuine? Are they drug users? Should we give food? Is that patronizing? What about homelessness? What about mental health? What about offering a job instead? What about pregnant women?

I still don't know what to think about it all, but I will admit to becoming more cynical about this issue. Every time I walk into the city, I am approached for money (I obviously look like a soft touch). I used to give something to everyone, but then I have seen them spending it on (to my mind) frivolous things. Then for a while I gave food, but then I saw some of them taking it and throwing it away, and I have heard that food is often not the main issue anyway.

So should I go back to giving money? What about drugs and alcoholism? What about the guy in the park or the one who lives in the bus stop across the street? He is clearly homeless, but spends all his money on booze (usually white wine) - do I want to support that? I don't know - somehow it seems like an unsatisfactory cop-out to give them a $2 coin and forget about it, but I really don't know what else to do?

Mum? Are you there?

Got the fright of my life yesterday, when I received an email marked "Mom" from my blog. Then I realized that my mother really could be reading my blog (though in fact as far as I know she doesn't). I don't know why I felt so weird about that. My Mum knows me really well, and we have (nearly) always got along well. Makes me realize all over again that you never know who is reading you. I wonder if those who know me IRL (in real life) would agree with how I see myself and therefore how I present myself online? I'm probably a lot less thoughtful than this blog makes out! After all, being a journal of my thoughts, it makes it look as if all I do is think and write!