Psalm 19 paraphrase - by beachpsalms from LJ

Paraphrase of Psalm 19 by beachpsalms of LiveJournal (with permission)

The universe is telling the glory of God;
And the galaxies stand in clusters.
Day to day pours forth sunlight,
And night to night stand the stars in the sky.
There is no speech, nor are there words;
Space is a silent void;
Yet the light travels to us,
Travels to the end of the solar system.
Our small star, our Sun is at home on the western spiral arm
And our orbit is wed to it,
We hurtle, spinning together, joyous, like a carnival ride.
We spin, and the sun lights and warms this planet,
From endless day to endless night at the poles
And all the land and ocean in between.
The beauty of the galaxy revives our souls,our physics equations are complex and wise... and frequently wrong.
And yet the galaxies spin, the stars burn, the planets orbit
Dark matter lurks, light bends,
Quarks burn and Schrödinger’s cat is in the box
All unconcerned with our math and our measuring.

And still… matter likes matter
We are pulled together and towards God
Like moons orbit a planet
Like planets orbit the sun
This pull towards each other
Is unexplained, and undeniable
God’s creation is the universe: Vast, infinite
We are tiny – save us from believing we are the centre
We are loved – save us from feeling abandoned.
Keep us from insolence and pride
That we shall be humble and grateful.

And let our poetry and telescopes, math and music
Be acceptable to your heart
O Creator, the centre of our orbit.

Pacifism again...

I am still wondering about pacifism. I think I agree with Richard Hays and Stanley Hauerwas that pacifism and overcoming evil with good is the Christian ideal, but I'm wondering if this can actually work in our fallen world? It might on a personal level, but how about on a social level? If good people do not resist, will not evil triumph?

Hays describes this fear as a lack of trust in God, and maybe it is. But doesn't God use US as his hands and feet in the world? If Christians do not defend the helpless, doesn't that make us part of the problem?

There is also the issue of abrogating responsibility. If we want laws enforced, rights upheld and innocent people protected, shouldn't we take some steps towards doing those things, rather than leaving all the work to others so we don't get our hands dirty? It is all very well to want to live in an orderly, law-abiding society, but how is that compatible with not wanting to be part of the army or police force? That smacks of hypocrisy.

If all Christians leave from the army/police force or whatever insitution we disapprove of, doesn't that just mean it will be entirely run by non-Christians? Is this an improvement?

I think as a social policy, pacifism might have a few bugs in it that need working out...

How do I spend my time?

Thoughts with thanks to Kate Megill of CHFWeb.

There are so many days when I look back over my time I wonder "where on earth has this day gone?"
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by computer time.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by laundry.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by housework.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by spending time with my husband because sometimes he just needs to talk.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by reading.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by prayer, although I wish I had much more time to spend here.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by ministry to others, either on the phone or an impromptu (or planned) visit with a friend in need.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up with my paid employment.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up with shopping, banking and other errands.

So, when I look back at the list above I see that my time is eaten up by the priorities God has for me! Which means the term "eaten up by" needs to be changed to "poured out for His Glory by". Now THAT puts a whole different perspective on things! When I view my time as being eaten up, it is because I am holding onto it as if it belonged to ME. But when I view my time as poured out for His Glory, it is because I'm seeing my life as belonging to God - and recognizing that if He wants to spend my time refolding the laundry that got folded and then knocked over, then that is up to HIM. My job is to walk in joy and thankfulness that I can have my life poured out as a drink offering to please Him in all I do. Thank you, Jesus, for the opportunity to love and serve and bless you in all I do. Now, if only I can figure out how to do that all the time, I'd be OK!

Thanks for this Kate - this is a great way of re-framing how we spend our time! I know for myself that I tend to be very "task focused" and to see time spent chatting with friends or just sitting with my husband or in contemplative prayer as time "wasted", when really I should be valuing time spent on people rather than tasks!

Article on Orthodoxy

Interesting article was posted on the Orthodoxy board today:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2006/december/30.40.html

I felt like cheering! I don't think most of the "real Orthodox" liked it as much though. The article points out that Orthodoxy hasn't contextualized its faith and liturgy in the modern world and hasn't figured out how to relate to unchurched people. He calls for increased evangelical fervour in the Orthodox church and an increasingly self-critical view of the accretions of Orthodoxy. Most of all, he calls for dialogue between the Orthodox and the rest of Christendom - Oh yes!

Called to prayer - why?

I am a complete idiot. You might not think it to look at me, but I am. I let myself get terribly sunburnt last week, and now the daily pain in my arms and legs reminds me that I am an idiot. I have decided that pointless, unintentional, self-inflicted pain does not bring a person closer to God. It just hurts. Still, it is probably good in itself for me to be reminded that I am an idiot.

One unforseen consequence of all this (I mean, all of it was unforseen, but this is more unforseen than the rest) is that I can't jog in the mornings at the moment. Every step jolts my swollen and burning skin terribly so that I can hardly walk. I deserve every moment of it, and no sympathy at all, I realize that, but what about the effect on my prayer life?

My prayer rule has been jogging around the oval and singing/praying/reciting as I go. The running keeps my thoughts in rhythm and focused in a way that just sitting on the edge of the bed fails to do. I was nearly frantic thinking that I was going to lose my impetus to pray because of a stupid accident!

I should not have worried. I should have realized that when God closes off the oval, he opens a glove box. I found my prayer beads again, which I used to use in the car but at some point left in the glove box and forgot about. Now, the large beads are the Lord's Prayer, the small beads are songs or prayers or people to pray for. This works even better than jogging, and is a lot more portable. I feel like I am rediscovering ancient rituals.

The strange side effect is that I find myself praying almost obsessively. I have turned off the radio and abandoned my talking books completely. The drive to work seems too short to pray for everyone, and I only get about halfway through my prayer rule and am tempted to sit in the car rather than go inside. Prayer is taking up sometimes hours a day, if all the little odd moments of prayer got put together.

These are not exactly deep or profound prayers either. I am not asking God for things, usually, or thanking Him either. I am not quite sure what the "point" of all this prayer activity is, but it almost getting to the stage of a compulsion. I could refuse, so I know I am not developing OCD, but I still don't know why I do it. What good is prayer anyway?

Comparing Liturgies

Yesterday at Solace we had a Liturgy service! How unusual! It came at a good time for me, though, allowing me to compare first-hand the Anglican/Solacian liturgy with the Antiochian Orthodox Divine Liturgy.

In many ways, the substance was remarkably similar. This is not coincidental, I realize. The Anglican service preserves much of the original ideas from the Orthodox form, but re-framed for a modern time and new styles of thought. Some of the original prayers written for the Solace community are heart-stopping stuff too! I love these words of Jude's:

Let me be used by you or laid aside for you...

Scary to think that being laid aside could also be the will of God! This whole prayer is a fantastic example of how modern prayers in our own context and "voice" can help us speak out the thoughts of our hearts.

On the other hand the whole "group confession" thing just left me cold. Having now experienced the crucible of personal confession in the presence of a spiritual father - the whole group "think for a moment in silence" just doesn't cut it. There is no motivation to do the "hard work" of repentance, or even of serious self-examination. The opportunity is offered, but there is no structure or impetus to use it well and no accountability afterwards. As for group absolution - I'm sorry, but that just doesn't work well at all. There is no sense of actual contact between the personal sins and the impartial forgiveness - it is all too easy. The pressure, the discomfort of naming and owning sins out loud in the presence of another person is somehow necessary to the process.

I don't think the Catholic system of anonymous confession would work for me either. The whole point about being anonymous makes it comfortable, and indifferent. It would presumably be hard for a priest to hold anyone accountable for their penances if they don't even know who you are! Also, how can someone speak sensibly into my life and give serious spiritual advice when they don't know me from Adam? I would not take random advice from the most well-meaning of strangers - why would I take advice from a stranger I can't even see?

I suppose I am realizing again that to modify the Liturgy and alter the tradition risks losing the accumulated wisdom of the ages that this is the best and most useful way of doing it. But sometimes the risk is gain, and Jude's lovely prayer is part of that. Can I have both? I want both!

Unequal yokes

Today at lunch I heard part of conversation about marriage, in particular, "mixed" marriages between a Christian and a non-Christian. I thought I was over this issue, that I had dealt with it and moved on, but apparently not.

I just wanted to leap up and grab this girl by the throat and tell her "What are you thinking? Do you want to ruin your life?" And yet I know that this would not be a fair reflection either. I don't know her, I don't know her situation, I don't know the man she is involved with. Besides, she could quite rightly say "Look at your life - it wasn't ruined by your marriage! Far from it!" Which would also be true. As Uncle Bill keeps telling us, we are the "perfect role model couple", which tells me that Uncle Bill doesn't know the half of what is really going on in our lives.

The whole topic still makes me very uncomfortable, and yet I feel a sort of duty to warn her. Since I now have intimate and detailed knowledge of exactly why God forbids Christians to marry non-Christians, surely I have a responsibility to try to open her eyes to the consequences of her decision? And yet, I know that when others tried to tell me, I didn't listen either.

Also, my life is not exactly a testimony to the dreadful things which happen in an unequally yoked marriage. We are happy, there is no abuse and little conflict, we don't fight over tithing to church anymore, Dean even comes along to church sometimes.

But how can I describe to her the deep grief of knowing that my partner in life doesn't share my most precious desires, the goals that motivate my life and give me purpose? How can I tell her that the love of my life, I can only have with me for thirty or forty years, and then may never see again? How can I tell her the despair that comes of writing my deepest spiritual insights and excitement over growing closer to God in a public online diary which others will read and understand, but my own husband won't? That we can't pray together, that I don't feel comfortable praying at home at all? That I sometimes fear my husband thinks I am crazy for "waiting on God"? That our world-views are so different? That when I see the beauty of God's Creation, he sees only nature at work. That where I know God is working miracles, he sees only coincidence and self-delusion.

How can I explain to her that when I think about the conflicts of raising children in our home, I sometimes feel that God is right not to give us children. How can I tell her about the sleepless nights of prayer, and yes, the sleepless nights of hopeless crying? How can I explain that even though I know I am forgiven by God and blessed despite what I have done, that I still must live with the consequences of my actions? That my own choices in life have lead me to a place where I know I can only give God my second-best service?

How can I tell her that this is not God's best for her life, and that if she will only submit herself to Him, that God will give her everything her heart needs. That might be through the gift of marriage or through the gift of singleness, but at least she would know that she had been truly faithful to God's vision for her, and not always wonder what her life might have been...

Richard Hays and pacifism

I have been reading Richard Hays "NT ethics" as recommended by Keith. He suggested that I would find Hays interesting on the topic of divorce and remarriage, which I did, but then I was interested enough to go on and read his section on violence and pacifism as well. I was horrified to realize that everything I thought I understood about this topic was wrong! I wrote an entire essay on how Bonhoeffer was completely justified in trying to place a bomb under Hitler and that Tolstoy and Ghandi were misguided idealists.

I realize now that I was overly impressed with long lists of references in other languages and that my thoughts were seduced by intricate arguments, all extensively footnoted. Betz and Guerlich marshalled and paraded clever ideas derived from intricate word studies and studies of the times which I could not possibly challenge. And yet, I was vaguely uneasy even then that these towering intellects did not themselves quite agree. In the end, I sided with Betz over Guerlich and said that Christians should participate in "just wars" and in defense of the innocent.
But now I love Richard best! His writing style is much plainer than the other two, deceptively easy to read and he leaves all the footnotes to the end of the chapter, where you can ignore them if you like. His strength is in his insistence in contextualizing verses, and he has some very sharp things to say about the practice of "decontexualized proof-texting"! He places the verses he is examining within the context of the Gospel, within the setting of the whole New Testament, and against the background of the Old Testament and the Jewish culture of the early church. He doesn't go in for tortured reasons, just looks at the most probably meaning in the context, to the author and the immediate audience. It is amazingly different to what I have read before.

He makes a very powerful argument that all Christians should be pacifists, on the basis of the teaching from Matthew 5:39 But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. This is exactly the verse I wrote my first essay on! But now I realize that Hays did a much better job...

- he demonstrates that Matthew did not think the world was ending, so this is not an "interim ethic".
- he demonstrates that Matthew did not think this was an impossible ideal intended to show us how great our need is for the mercy and grace of God, or for something to aspire to in eternity but not achievable in the here and now.
- he demonstrates that Matthew did not think this was something for "special" Christians or for disciples who were more holy than the rest of us, but a teaching for everyone.

Having talked about how this teaching applies to us today, he then went on to discuss the other reasons for Christian pacifism:
- the example of Jesus not letting himself be defended with a sword, but instead allowing the innocent to suffer (himself) and leaving his own justification in God's hands.
- the words of Jesus who restrains the disciples when they want to inflict punishment on a town which ignored their teaching, and says that God will judge.
- numerous examples from the teachings of Paul about "as far as it rests with you, live at peace".
- the calling of Christians to do good to enemies, even in the face of persecution.
- the calling of Christians to overcome evil with good, not to fight evil with evil.

This last point reminds me very strongly of CS Lewis's point about "forgiving enemies". That we know we are supposed to forgive our own enemies, but that we feel justified in hating enemies of the innocent because of insufficient identification. He proposes that we identify with the victims just enough to make their enemies detestable to us, but not enough to make their enemies our enemies and therefore suitable recipients of love and forgiveness.

Very challenging!

Lord's Prayer - 2

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

I always thought this line was rather strange, because if God cannot be tempted by evil and we are told that God does not tempt us to do evil, why should we pray for God not to do what He already said He would not do? I have developed a few theories about what this might mean:

1) Since God knows what our weaknesses are, and the areas in which each of us is likely to experience temptation, perhaps this prayer is asking the Lord to protect us from ourselves and to shield us from our own areas of weakness? In this case, the deliver us from evil part would be to deliver us from the fallen sin nature which already exists within us.

2) It might also refer to providing us with an escape route, if we should fall into temptation. The idea that God does not test us to destruction, but always provides a way out.

3) It could also be a prayer for protection against the Evil One, and to avoid the kind of testing through temptation that Job suffered at his hands. This seems the least likely to me, but it is possible, and some translations make it appear that this version would fit, though not mine.

Not sure which is the best understanding, although the first one has its appeal right at the moment. I am still thinking a lot about confession and repentance, and asking the Lord to deliver me from the temptations and evil which I already have within myself would fit this prayer very well right now. As they say, if the cap fits...

As Paul describes, I think we all have our thorn to bear, and we all have our temptations and areas of weakness which are particular to us. I am thinking much more reflectively about this now that I have to bring it to confession - it is a very good spur to thought! Being aware of my own areas of weakness also means that I can see patterns in my life of falling into particular sins, and I hope this awareness will help me to avoid such sins in the future.

Confession is incredibly useful - I can't believe so many traditions seem to have got rid of it! The process of specific reflection, verbal acknowledgement and confession of sins is incredibly powerful, and of course, so is receiving absolution. But the process of confessing to a spiritual guide, in and of itself, is amazingly powerful. The naming of sin out loud is difficult and painful, naturally (and so it should be) but so instructive! It really does shine a bright light into the dark places, and reminds me that no place is too dark for God to enlighten with His forgiveness - praise the Lord!

Exploring Orthodoxy, for real.

I woke up this morning and decided to become a catechumen.

Somehow everything seemed to have crystallized while I slept - the things I have been talking about on the LJ boards, my discussions and experiences with Father Geoff, my conversation with Olivia yesterday. Somehow Father Geoff's question is still going around in my head "Why don't you engage fully with Orthodoxy?" The talk with Olivia helped me to realize that the answer is "No good reason".

I guess two of the major worries which have held me back so far have been that I was hesitant to get too involved with Orthodoxy out of a sense of "loyalty" to Solace. Talking with Olivia has made me realize that to think like this is to do a disservice both to Orthodoxy and to Solace. Is Orthodoxy so dreadfully exclusive that they would want me to cut all ties to other communities? Is Solace so closed that they would stop me exploring other faith traditions? Of course, neither is true.

The other hesitation I had was about Orthodoxy being so unapproachable to others and not evangelistic. I am not going to any church where my husband and parents can't feel comfortable. In the Greek Orthodox churches I always felt that it was a terrible shame that they have this great treasure of rich tradition, but hide it inside a Byzantine architecture and behind another language, so that people have to navigate the obstacles to get inside. I realize of course that it is unreasonable to expect Orthodoxy to change - that's the point of being Orthodox, in some ways. The problem remains that for "normal" people to understand Orthodoxy is difficult.

Then I remembered Gordon, from my university days. Wonderful, devoted, selfless Gordon who took literally hundreds of hours away from his Master's thesis to spend them hashing over spiritual issues with me. We met every week and talked for hours about God, the Bible, life and philosophy. I can't remember one tenth of what he said, but I remember being impressed with him and with his faith. He was a thoughtful person who was not afraid to say he didn't understand, if it was true, and not afraid to say what he really thought on any topic, even if he knew I wouldn't like it. I left quite a few of our sessions deeply disturbed, but he never gave up on me and was always willing to come back and talk again.

I don't think he ever expected our conversations to come to anything. I suppose he was content to plant the seed and let God do the rest, but I am glad that about five years later I had the chance to meet him again, and thank him for his investment of time in me. He visited our church on a day when I was singing, so I could see him sneak in the back. He seemed a bit stunned to find out that I had become a Christian - I guess I must have been harder on him in those conversations than I had realized.

Gordon was my bridge person. He met me where I was, and showed me the way into the church. Once in the church, a variety of people have been mentors and guides along the way, but without Gordon I wouldn't have been around to know. God bless him, wherever he is now.

I think Father Geoff is another bridge person. He is able to see the journey I am on now, he has probably walked a similar path himself, and he is able to show me the way. All that rich tradition and deep faith and history - I have great hopes that he will be able to induct me into it all, and I can't wait! Maybe once I understand it better, I can become a bridge for others too.

Orthodoxy - a way of life

Once again I am "realizing" a truth that I thought I already knew, certainly one I would always have said I ascribed to and understood. And yet, now I am coming to make it real in my life in a different way. (Side note: I have not had such an intense time of spiritual growth since I first became a Christian.)

Since starting to explore Orthodoxy I have come to see that the Orthodox faith n particular is a lived experience and a way of life. It is not something to talk about, to read, to study, to think and learn about, though all of those things can help. Primarily it is something to be lived, to be walked, to be acted out and experienced.

I think I have been pandered to by the evangelistic tradition. Reading, writing, thinking and study are my natural ways of engaging with new thoughts. Talking with others is also a natural engagement technique for me. The evangelistic tradition encourages and uses these things - study and talk, read and write, think and talk some more.

Oh yes, and pray about it too.

Which captures the problem. The areas in which I am weak have not been touched or challenged at all. The emotional, symbolic, sacramental, supernatural, ritual, musical, penitential and sacrificial parts of my life have been barely scratched. Since the Western tradition of spirituality does not access these kinds of spirituality nearly as much, I didn't realize how stunted I am in these ways.

Solace has helped me experience new things in some of these areas, particularly that of seeking the spirit which I was very closed to before, and symbolic actions which I had very little experience of before. Funny, to think that the heart of the Christian sacraments and theology is communion, which is both a sacrament and a symbolic action, but that most of the other traditional symbolic actions have been lost to the Western church (or at least the bit of it that I have seen).

But the whole Orthodox Way (as Bishop Kallistos Ware calls it) is about a lived experience. Prayer, fasting, the Divine Liturgy, Confession, Communion are all symbolic actions or experiences to live out. Similarly, the only way to truly experience the full richness of the Orthodox tradition is to do these things. No amount of discussion, theory or talking about it conveys the truth - it is a Way, and unless you are on it, you can't know it fully. (Is this what they mean about having the "mind"?)

I wonder if it is for this reason that all the discussions on the LJ board end up with "ask your priest" because the priest is the Spiritual Father and guide for each member, and it is under his guidance that the topics of discussion will be played out, and it is only when it is done that it can be understood.

It is only in praying the prayers that I can understand what they mean. Only in experiencing the Divine Liturgy that I can see the beauty in it. Simple acts such as kneeling for prayer (I've never really done that) or in having a regular prayer "rule" or lighting a candle, or in confessing before an actual person, these are deeply meaningful actions which can only be emotionally engaging when being carried out. Reading about the spiritual significance of kneeling before God is just not the same, talking to someone about the theory of fasting is nothing like actually doing it.

Of course, the down side is the incense! That's the experience I could live without...

Exploring Orthodoxy Revisited

Oh dear. I think I said in my last post about Orthodoxy that I had practically decided not to become Orthodox, which I had. That was then...

Now I can't stop thinking about Father Geoff's questions: What is it that stops you from becoming Orthodox? Is it that their faith is empty?

As soon as he named it, from my various inarticulate phrases, I realized two things. That yes, he is right and one of my main hesitations comes from my perception that the Orthodox church is full of "nominal" Christians who don't really live their faith. And secondly that this is a terribly judgemental attitude to have, and not a good reason anyway.

I keep coming around and around and back to the same issue. I feel called, fascinated, intrigued and attracted by many features of the Orthodox church and the Orthodox faith. Something calls to my heart and soul, something incredibly attractive and stable about standing on a faith which is unchanged in essentials for thousands of years.

At the same time I am terrified that I will have to give up so much, leave so much behind and learn a whole new way of life. I have so many reasons (not necessarily good reasons, but reasons nonetheless) for why I like my church and I like my life the way it is. I have friends, a chance to do good works, a minister we both respect - I have a life already!

And yet...

Holiness, is what I long for

I am continuing my "prayer rule" such as it is. So far I have the Lord's prayer and two songs. The new one which I can't get out of my head (reminds me of Paul's injunction to pray continuously) is:

Holiness, Holiness is what I long for.
Holiness, is what I need.
Holiness, Holiness is what you want from me.

So take my heart and form it.
Take my mind, transform it,
Take my will conform it, to yours, to yours, oh Lord.

It seems a little trite written down, but it expresses the urge I feel to not only use this time for "waiting" whatever that means, but to use it for preparation, for purification, for something which will be shown to me, in God's time.

Interestingly, on Sunday we had a session which lead me to think about holiness. The holiness of the OT was about purity and separation, about being set apart and dedicated to serve God and having no other priorities. I crave that "inward holiness".

But also the holiness of Jesus and of the New Testament is an "outward holiness" which translates into acts of justice, healing and mercy. It is a holiness which rebukes legalism and rebukes the burdens which men lay on each other, even to the extent of calling those hypocritical men "snakes and vipers". I need this kind of holiness too.

I can't help wondering if this is the difference between Solace (and the Protestant church in general) having the focus on "outwardly turned holiness" while the traditional and Orthodox churches focus more in "inward holiness". This is a gross generalization, and of course all churches do both to some extent, but still, I wonder...

Confession experience

OK - I went to the Vespers service on Saturday night and hung around afterwards for confession. I had assumed that I would be confessing to the priest (Father Geoff) but he told me that the confession is to Jesus, and that I should face the icon and make my confession to God, and he would just listen and pray for me. That wasn't exactly what I had expected, but seemed reasonable (besides, I didn't exactly want to look at him while confessing). The process was both easier and harder than I had expected.

It was harder than I had thought because somehow saying it out loud in front of another person, and a holy person too, made the naming of the sins much worse. He was great about it though, and neither attempted to "lighten" my sins or to make me feel worse about it. He just accepted what I said and agreed that my sins were serious, but not beyond the power of God to forgive.

It was easier too, in a way, because the confession became more of a dialogue. I was worried that I would be expected to produce a long list of stuff and he would listen impassively, but it wasn't like that at all. He asked for clarification about some points, such as "so is this a current concern or something from the past?" and gave direction about what was "really sin" and what was just consequences of past sin. He also gave advice, so that part of the confession became more like a discussion about how to deal with sin and what I might find helpful.

He didn't seem to be going to give me a penance, but I asked for one. He said he doesn't always give a penance, but that he could think of one if I liked. I said that I would leave it up to him. Then something funny happened. He said that he had this little thought pop into his head that I should become Orthodox! He said he wasn't going to set it as a penance (that would not be appropriate) but that it was a thought. As a penance, he wants me to take the Catechism classes, which won't be starting until after Easter. Actually that is probably too easy, as I was planning to do that anyway.

So after that he gave me absolution (which I wasn't sure if he was going to, since I'm not "really" Orthodox) and explained about kissing the stole and we said a prayer off the printed card. I can't really describe what it "felt" like, but I can say that it was powerful and that God was there. I don't exactly feel different - I'm still a sinful person and I didn't get through even half of what I wanted to confess, though I made the two main points I wanted to talk about. He didn't rush me out at all, but I was too exhausted to do more. Half an hour appears to be my limit for intense confession. I cried, of course, as I often do in the presence of God - I hope that didn't disturb Father Geoff. He appeared to take it very calmly and just waited without attempting to talk or touch me. (Good idea and in line with what I learned in psychiatry too.)

Afterwards I felt tired, emptied out, relieved. I felt like I had gone in with a head full of stuff and was able to pour it out and leave it behind. I didn't exactly feel as "forgiven" as I had expected, but certainly lighter of some burdens! I think I will need to go a few more times to get it all out, but I am keen to go again somehow, even though a little frightened of what other penances he might give me. It is going to take me at least six months to get through this one!

OK - I have finally started writing!

New Year, new blog!

I have finally started a separate blog to write my medical stories. Actually, this is my second attempt at medical writing. The first was waaaay to dark and cynical and I did not really enjoy writing it. I think I did about five entries - it is probably out there somewhere.

But this time I want to write it how I see it. How it really is to be a doctor, in all its weird wonderful and sometimes bloody detail. You have been warned! Find it all here:

http://diaryofadoctor.blogspot.com/

Returning to my first love

I remember when I first became a Christian, I was very black and white. The Bible was full of answers, of surety, of promises and reassurances. I was enthusiastic, unstoppable, tactless and naive. It was a simple time.

Questions, complications, unanswered prayer, unanswerable questions, theological debate and doubt. Moving into complexity was difficult, but necessary. The simple black and white no longer satisfied me, and I moved into a world with shades of grey.

Apart from a few moments in the sun, most of my life is lived in the greyness now. This is a good thing, I think. I see nuances, shades of meaning, delicacy, tension and balance which I would not have understood previously. I thought for a while that my early naivety was a phase to be got over as quickly as possible. I heard one older priest say "New converts should be stuck in a barrel for ten years, until they get over it!"

Now I wonder. Everyone goes through that "first fire" stage. It seems to be somehow necessary. John in Revelation Ch 2 talks about how they seem to have lost that first love, as if it were a good thing which is now gone, rather than a difficult phase which is now past.

Strangely, I feel it coming back now, in a rather different form. The love and desire I have to know God better is coming back just as strongly, but now in a more experienced mind which is able to bear complexity. I am equally keen to learn, to know God better, but less fixated on being able to understand it all, less sure that there are "right answers" to find.

I remember still, how distressed I was to hear a 70-year old Christian woman say that she was "still learning". "What!?" I gasped "You mean you don't understand it all yet?" I was horrified that you never "get the degree" in Christian living. That you never get it all right, get it all together and move on to teaching others, secure and sure in your own correctness. I wanted that surety!

Ha! It seems funny to me now to have ever wanted to be so sure. It sounds pompous and self-righteous to think that I could ever achieve that - I hope I was understood to be just shallow and naive instead. No, I prefer the uncertainty, the journey, the greyness, to the black and white end of the answer. It would be sad to reach the end of learning, for there to be an end to understanding, to reach the bottom of God's depths - presumptuous thought!

I find it infinitely more reassuring and exciting to know that our God is deep enough to swim in for our whole lives and never reach the bottom! To know that our God sees in endless shades of grey, and is not captured in any system of black and white rules, written down in any book, closed into any box in a pigeonhole on a shelf.

And it is this endless love of God (I believe) which protects new believers from knowing all this too early. The answers we are given then are the answers we need, and they are true and real and reassuring. As we grow into the bigger answers, start to see the shades of colour and variety which God has written into the world, then we see that our little answers go deeper than we realized and there is more yet to explore.

What an exciting God we live for!

The Lord's Prayer - 1

I have been praying the Lord's Prayer every day (more or less) and once again it strikes me both what is in it, and what is not.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be your Name.

Since I sing the prayer as I learned it at school, I use the old language. I like this opening - it reminds me that God is sovereign, and it is in Him that I place my trust and obedience. How awesome, to come into the very presence of God! The one who made the heavens and the earth, the one who knows me and cares for little old me.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

More obedience - I feel like this is a theme for me at the moment. God's kingdom to come on earth - actually I find that hard to imagine. I was thinking this morning that God might be the ultimate communist: from each according to ability, to each according to need. It doesn't work in this fallen world because of human nature, which is to do as little as possible to get as much as possible. But God, who sees into the heart, could make it work. God can be fair without being equal, though it doesn't work very well for humans.

Give us this day our daily bread.

Interesting that we are instructed to ask for something as ordinary and prosaic as bread. One translation has "give us all we need for living" but I prefer the more concrete version. I find it also interesting that we get to ask for bread. Not meat and beer or cakes and wine. Just what we need to survive. Extras can be applied for, and will be granted on their merits!

That's not to say that God is not generous. He is, and I have been showered with miracles, visions, answers to prayer greater than I could ever expected. But these were all very much "extras" and gifts, not basic needs. They were also to serve very definite purposes. God's guidance, equipping and encouragement when I needed them. They were not "luxuries" for personal enjoyment, just as St James predicted!

Funny - I have known the Lord's Prayer for most of my life, but there is still more in it to think about and discover. More later...

Waiting...

Christmas is over - the singing, the celebrations, the eating - especially the eating. The New Year is here, resolutions made and (sort of) kept. Kept better than if I never made them, anyway.

Now, I am just waiting. Not sure what for, but definitely waiting. Seems an odd way to start a New Year, but there it is.

I feel like this is a preparation time, maybe for something really challenging? I feel more interested in spiritual things than I can remember being for a long time. I want to pray all the time, read the Bible more, learn more.

But I don't know why. I guess I'll just wait here then, shall I? Yeah, I guess so...