On Prayer

I was asked to pray for a miracle for someone, for healing. Now, the whole reason we call them miracles is that they don't happen very often. So most of the time, most people who ask for miracles don't get them, otherwise they wouldn't be miracles, they would be what usually happens. So while I can ask God for a miracle, if it is not part of His will, then it won't happen.

So then I wondered what to pray? Should I pray for relief from pain? What if that means she dies? She is a Christian, so would that be a terrible thing? Maybe I should pray for her family to be loved and supported through her illness? But what if God's plan is to teach them something through this time of suffering?

So, in the end I prayed - God, your will be done in her life, in their lives and in my life. I asked for the miracle, if it be God's will, and returned to the thought that God's plan is the best plan - only He sees all, knows all and understands what is for the best.

Isn't this the essence of every prayer? Lord, this is what I want, but only if You want it too. Maybe every prayer should begin and end with "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done" and "not as I will, but as You will".

Once again, themes of submission to God and waiting on Him are becoming paramount in my life. Seeking His will for me and for others, asking for His guidance and direction, looking for the direction of the Holy Spirit. I do not think it is coincidence that at this time my desire for God seems to be increasing also. I can't remember being this excited about the presence of God since I first became a Christian - then too, I wanted to read all and only about God, to learn and to talk about God, to find out what God wanted me to do and to do it, whatever the cost. It is strange, but wonderful, to be returning to my first love for God, after all these years!

Confession

In my eagerness to try new spiritual disciplines, I asked Father Geoff of the local Orthodox parish, if I could come to confession. He asked me to think in advance of what I would like to confess - sounded reasonable enough.

At first I couldn't think of anything. I said something not exactly 100% true the other day, but it avoided a long explanation - is that a sin worth confessing? I ate more chocolate over Christmas than was strictly good for me - is that a sin? I let myself get annoyed the other day, I went to work late... Actually there were quite a few things, once I started thinking about it.

Then I thought about the old Catholic "Seven Deadly Sins": Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Sloth, Lust, Anger, Pride. Then I realized that I was a victim of all of them. Not even a victim, it is worse than that. I willingly and knowingly indulge in most of them, most days! Once again I am convicted of what a sinful person I really am, and Jesus Prayer seems most appropriate: Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner!

And yet, what next? I know I can never do enough penance to "earn" forgiveness, and while I don't mind making restitution or even doing discipline, I have no desire to punish myself for its own sake. I'm not a masochist. Besides, penance isn't the point. I don't want to agonize over the past, I want to truly repent of it - to turn and be different in the future.

It is only now that I realize how helpless I am to "make myself good". I do not have free will in the one thing that really matters - I cannot free myself from sin. I am reassured that even Paul felt the same:

Romans 7:19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

So tonight I will go to confession, and pray for God to flow through me and help me to "be perfect, like your Father in heaven is perfect" (Matt 5:48). At least until next confession...

A Prayer Rule

I have been thinking about starting a Prayer Rule, which is a regular discipline of prayer encouraged by the Orthodox Church. I don't know why I still feel attracted to so much of the Orthodox church, even though there is so much about it I don't understand or positively dislike. Still, the discipline seems very worthwhile in terms of spiritual growth.

So this morning while I was jogging around the oval, I realized that this would be the perfect time to combine spiritual and physical discipline. I have often prayed over the dishes, but jogging occupies the body and frees the mind even more.

Then I realized the use of the silly Orthodox chanting! Sparrow tried to explain it to me, but like so much of the spiritual disciplines, I didn't realize how it worked until I tried it. Of course, it is so obvious once it gets going! The tune aids memory and slows down the prayers - like having a song stuck in your head. It has to go at a particular speed and with a certain cadence, which means that I have time to really stop and think about it.

I still struggle with the Jesus prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Not that it's not true, just that it seems a rather self-centred prayer to build a whole prayer rule around. I had to think a bit to come up with something which expresses in a single sentence, what I want to ask God for.

I considered the prayer of Julian of Norwich: "All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well." This is a statement of trust in God which I really like, and I think trust is something I lack.

But then I decided that what I really want is something which expresses my desire to be used by God, and I remembered an old song (complete with tune) which I love:

Take me, guide me, use me, walk beside me. I give myself to the Father's hand.

This expresses what I want for my life - for God to take me, all of me, as His. For God to lead me to the place He wants me to be, to live, to work, to speak and to do His will. For God to use me for whatever purposes suit His plan, like a tool shaped and fitted to do His bidding. For God to be there with me as I work out my salvation in fear and trembling - for I don't imagine that it will be easy. I want to give myself to the Father's hand, like your favourite knife which fits exactly into the palm of your hand and cuts straight and true.

Lord, let it be so.

An Aquinas moment...

I have been involved in an excessively long discussion on the LiveJournal Orthodoxy board about the eternal virginity of Mary and whether married couples should have sex or not. Interesting, confusing and at times mutually conflicting points have been made.

Conclusions?

The Early Church seems to have been of the united opinion that Mary was the eternal virgin. I'm prepared to accept their view on that.

The whole thing about whether or not married couples should have sex, and whether monkhood is a better way to get close to God or not, opinion is divided. Once again, this seems to be an area in which Aquinas was right:

"To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible." (St. Thomas Aquinas)

Choices, changes...

So for next year I am committed to working one day a week at the Angliss hospital. I'm finally a paediatrician - yay!

I also have three months' worth of work later in the year, and that's it...

I could study more. I could do locum work. I could do volunteer work. I should do house work. I could get fit. I could join a gym. I could run. I could take up cross-stitch again.

It is sort of wonderful and sort of scary to have a wide open diary with nothing in it (including the possibility of no money) and a whole year ahead.

I wonder what 2007 will be like?

What does God like?

I have been thinking over the Christmas period of how easily we sometimes say "Oh, God will understand" or "God will forgive me" for this or that. I agree that it is probably true - God's mercy is able to forgive a great many things. But is that really the point?

God has given us guidelines, principles, laws, commandments, ideals and one living example. We know what is best for us, what God has ordained for us, what God requires of us and even why:

Micah 6:8 He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

He has graced us with not only instructions, but the reason why these instructions were given. If we choose not to do what is good, does it matter that God will understand, or that God will forgive us? He will, but we will still have to live with the consequences of our choices. If we knowingly choose what is not good for us, how can we then complain that we don't have what is good? Perhaps we should rather say:

Hebrews 12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on,
however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have
been trained by it.

Smoke...

Smoke. Thick, white, choking smoke hangs over the whole city, probably over most of the state. The bushfires in this exceptionally hot drought year are storming out of control across eastern Victoria. Firefighters are doing their best, but the weather predictors are saying there will not be a heavy rain to put out the fires for another five months. One person has already been killed, several injured. Millions of dollars worth of property has been destroyed. The news is full of nothing else, and if we could forget what was going on, even for a moment, just looking out the window would remind us. The smoke is still here, hundreds of kilometres away.

In the meantime, shopping for Christmas continues.

It seems odd, perhaps even obscene, that despite the ruination and death taking place at the other end of the state, that here we are ignoring the smoke and doing Christmas shopping. We can go to bars, have coffee, window-shop and try on shoes just as if it were a normal day. Why not?

Besides, what else is there to do? I am not a firefighter, not an environmental planner, not a bush or fire expert. People are not yet in need of doctors, of emergency relief or accommodation. The reality is that there is nothing for me to do for them.

So I continue my Christmas shopping. And every time I look at the sky, at the obscured and dulled sun, I pray for rain. Lord, you send your sun and your rain on the just and the unjust. Send us now the rain...

Update on progress on Clomid (or lack thereof...)

Well, my sensitivity to alcohol, caffeine and other substances seems to be holding true for Clomid as well. Peter started me on the lowest dose, which is only half of the usual recommended starting dose. I told him straight away that I want to have children, but not twins!

So on only 25mg I appear to be ovulating fine. This means that on the mornings I take the tablets I have to crack each one in half, which usually results in a whole lot of white powder all over the kitchen bench. I have started doing it on a plate, because that makes it a whole lot easier to lick up the spilled powder...

But despite two successful ovulatory cycles, we don't appear to be getting any forwarder. Maybe I was unrealistically optimistic, thinking that as soon as we started getting treatment we would start seeing results. I guess life doesn't work that way.

To look on the bright side though, it means that I can eat and drink whatever I like over the Christmas period. It is only those suffering pregnancy who have to be careful and conscientious. Alcohol, seafood, soft cheeses and pate are all allowed for us footloose and fancy-free childless types!

Exploring Orthodoxy 2

As part of my "Orthodox journey" I have started corresponding with some Orthodox people from a bulletin board about Orthodoxy I found on the web. This has been both interesting and off-putting.

It is definitely interesting to see how many Orthodox seem to be converts from other denominations. Some have clearly thought deeply and hard about their spiritual journey and have (as I see it) given up many of the freedoms of the modern church to align themselves with the traditional church. More of these are men than women, of the ones I have met so far. I don't think this is coincidence. It is good to see so many people of great spiritual insight and depth, who have really thought about their faith are a part of Orthodoxy. To tell the truth, I was a little surprised. I guess I have been hanging around too many "nominal Orthodox" who take a cultural view of the whole thing, rather than seeing Orthodoxy as a genuine spiritual way of life. Who view "being orthodox" as part of "being Greek" and something to be clung to and defended as part of a cultural heritage, rather than as something with value in its own right.

The off-putting part is the attitude of the orthodox (in general) towards the rest of us (called the "heterodox"). This attitude is condescending, dismissive and uninterested. The answer to nearly my questions so far has been, in essence "because the Fathers say so" or "because it has always been done that way" and especially "you don't understand because you are not Orthodox" and "if you don't like it you don't have to join".

Now that is a Catch-22!
- you don't understand because you don't have the "mind" of the Orthodox
- you don't like it because you don't understand it
- if you don't like it, don't join
- unless you join, you can't have the mind of the Orthodox...

This seems to justify an attitude of complacency toward evangelism and of self-satisfaction with the status quo. The Orthodox church sees no need to make itself open, available or relevant to those in the society around it, because "if they are called by the Holy Spirit, they will come" - this despite the self-evident barriers against any such calling!

I also find it interesting to notice how many who converted to Orthodoxy saying that they "just knew" as soon as they walked into their first Orthodox church that they were among those "called". I guess that must mean that I am not...

Visiting the Orthodox in their own habitat... (pt 2)

So I went to the Antiochian Orthodox service. It was strange. The music and chanting which sets my teeth on edge in the Greek churches is exactly the same in English, only weirder because the syllables have to be stretched to fit the chants. The music is horrible and apparently hasn't changed for over a thousand years. It could do with a change, in my opinion.

Some of the prayers were great, though. Really well-thought and sincerely written. I think I like John Chrysostom. Some of it was very familiar from the Anglican service as well, presumably the good old C of E "lifted" quite a bit of it from the Orthodox, I assume. It doesn't matter - it is all good stuff.

I was a bit shocked by the whole communion thing. I didn't take it of course, not being Orthodox, but the bread is crumbled into the wine and then the whole shebang given to parishoners on a spoon. The same spoon which goes into everyone else's mouth! I saw a mother rushing up with her baby to be first in line, and I don't blame her at all. I bet people with colds don't wait until last either! I don't think I would have wanted communion, even if I were eligible.

After the service, the priest recognized me immediately (probably the only visitor) and introduced me to a few people. Of course, the first thing they all asked me was "Why are you here?". Unfortunately, I didn't get to meet any women at all. I felt a little uncomfortable just talking to some of the men.

So overall, pretty much what I had expected from attending Easter services over the last ten or so years. Will I visit again? Probably. Will I become Orthodox? Unlikely.

Visiting the Orthodox in their own habitat...

After many very annoying phone calls to the Greek Orthodox community, diocese and other organizations I have given up on them. It is impossible to find anyone who speaks English (or even thinks that this could be a desirable skill) or who is interested in talking to anyone. The first question my every enquiry was met with "Why are you interested?" that is, the ones who didn't assume that I was enquiring about Greek language lessons.

When I finally made the connection with someone who spoke English and who knew what I was on about, he finally admitted that there are two English-speaking service-conducting priests in the whole of Melbourne, and no English-speaking parish at all. He seemed to feel that an English service is a necessary evil which was ordered by the church authorities and therefore must be carried out, even if the whole thing is a pointless exercise...

So, I visited the local Antiochian Orthodox community instead. The Antiochian church has the rather encouraging official position that services should be conducted in the vernacular of the place they are held! Amazing! The priest was very encouraging, and invited me to come whenever I wanted. It is also very convenient that the first weekend I am free to go, they are relocating to the chapel at Monash University - I could practically walk there, if I wasn't always so late on a Sunday morning. So, it should be interesting to finally work out what everyone has been saying!

Exploring Orthodoxy 1

Since the Greece trip, I have had a bit of an interest in exploring Greek Orthodoxy. There is something attractive about joining the tradition which goes right back to Jesus, the historical church which is the "ground and pillar of our faith" as they say. There is something reassuring and stable about the traditions which go back thousands of years, about a faith and a creed which have not changed.

I do have some hesitations though, about the elevation of what seems to be "tradition" over what seems to be the guidance of the inspired Holy Spirit? I can't help wondering if some of the man-made "rules" (which is what the tradition amounts to) are actually hinderances rather than helpful? And I wonder a lot about a church which claims to have "not changed" in two thousand years, but which obviously has acquired the accretions and trappings of a patriarchal culture along the way?

Apart from those hesitations, the major one I have is the relative authority given to tradition, even when it seems (to me) to be in opposition with either the Bible or with current culture. I know this is a totally Protestant way of looking at the whole issue, but I can't help that. If I had "the Mind of the Orthodox Church" then I would be able to just accept it all on authority, but since I obviously don't, then I can't.

The final problem of "tradition" as I see it, is that if it serves no particular function and if it gets in the way - why keep it? Apparently some of the vestments of the Orthodox priest haven't changed in nearly a thousand years. So? I don't see a current need to dress like that, and I think it alienates people for priests to look weird. I am told repeatedly that it is not "Orthodox" to think and speak like that - that Orthodoxy will not change to accommodate current ideas.

I think that is a major problem. Any church which will not even consider current social ideas and norms, which allows itself to become so estranged from mainstream society that it can't even talk to people - this is a problem. This is what I see in the modern Greek Orthodox church - a church which is so far removed from the current generation that it has nothing but rebukes for them for not being what it wants. A generation which is so estranged from the church that it feels the church has nothing to offer. A dialogue which is in two different languages and never the twain shall meet! A huge opportunity being lost...

Being a patient again...

After three years of trying, we have finally admitted that we are not going to be able to get pregnant on our own and gone to the fertility doctor. I didn't realize how sad I would feel about this - I've always been healthy and at least averagely fit. I never thought this would happen to me.

I remembered all over again how hard it is to be a patient - to have something wrong with you that you can't control and that other people are going to take control of and do "to" your body. I suppose this is a good experience for a doctor.

I am going for blood tests next week, then the plan is for 3 months of clomiphene (Clomid) which is the hormone to regulate all the other hormones - the mother of all hormones? If that doesn't work, then exploratory surgery to "go looking" for endometriosis, have a close look at the septum, flush out the fallopian tubes and generally see what is what. If that doesn't work, in six months we will be talking about trying IVF - still don't know if we want to go there.

It is particularly hard because in paediatric medicine, I'm sure not a week goes by that someone doesn't ask me "So, any kids of your own yet?" and when I say no they respond with "Well, you're not getting any younger." I KNOW, I KNOW! I found my first grey hair on the Greece trip, which just adds to the biological impact of all those accumulating birthdays.

Actually, the fertility doctor said "Oh, you're not at the stage yet where your age impacts too much. At 32, your IVF chances are still around 50%" - so at least ONE person doesn't think I'm too old!

The first task for us, even before my blood tests, is for Dean to give a sperm sample for analysis - I wonder if he will want me to help him with that?

Greece Trip - Sacred Spaces

It was in Delphi that we saw the amazing "Sacred Space" complex they had, with displays of wealth from all the various city-states, statues of honour in marble and bronze and sacrificial areas for gifts to the temple itself. All of it was contained within walls which delineated the temple area. This "sacred space" was set apart, holy for the purpose, and the wall was the defining barrier between what was sacred (and all sacred activities took place there) and what was on the other side, which was profane, everyday and not of interest to the holy ones at all.

This made me think about how we use the term "sacred space" - at Solace we use the term to mean the area set aside for prayer and communing with God, but is this really a good word? Does having a "sacred space" imply that other spaces are not sacred, or that God is not there? Or worse, that God is not interested in what goes in other parts of lives, away from the "sacred spaces"?

I know that I am inclined to compartmentalize my life - to think about family at one time, God at one time, work at one time, money at another time. But for a healthy life balance, God should be part of all the times. There should be no "sacred/profane" division in my life, especially since I believe that God made me a doctor and ordained that this would be my life at His command.

Maybe I should take my "sacred space" to be my whole life and make it all sacred, since God is there in all of it? Then there would be no "sacred spaces" only a sacred life, given and lived for God.

One holy catholic and apostolic church?

1 Tim 3:15 ...if I am delayed, you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God's household, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth.

This verse is used a lot in some circles to promote the idea of a single unified church. While I agree that this is a lovely ideal, I am concerned about how this might work out in practice. Already even within denominations we see disagreements about interpretation of the Bible. People fight over deeply and sincerely held beliefs. As I see it, there are only three solutions to this:

1) allow difference by allowing denominations
2) allow difference by allowing disagreement within the one denomination
3) suppress all difference and expell the heretics.

We currently have 1) with lots of different denominations, some more similar than others. The different "flavours" of church have different audiences and appeal to different types of people, sometimes doing different types of work (mission, school ministry, hospital/teaching ministry, etc).

Option 2) has been tried by the Uniting Church, which resulted in such a watered down faith (IMO) that there is no longer anything certain and they might as well call themselves Unitarians. (Joke: on the front lawns of churches the rebels burn crosses, on the lawns of the UU they have to burn a question mark.)

Perhaps option 2) has a future in the Emerging Church movement, which has as a major belief the journey idea, rather than concentrating on held beliefs. Anglicans also do a bit of this between churches, along the lines of "in essentials unity, in non-essentials diversity, in all things charity". This allows a wide variance of practice while maintaining identity and beliefs. The problem comes when some insist on varieties of practice which others find unacceptable (women or homosexual ministers are the two issues which leap to mind) and ZAP! a new denomination is born...

Option 3) is usually the one the proponents of the "One Church" have in mind. Find the "right" beliefs and chuck everybody else out, since they are obviously heretics and have to either be brought into line or amputated for the good of everyone (they were probably never part of the real church to begin with. This is the idea I have a strong sense of uneasiness about.

Church history tells us that people are not going to agree easily on deeply held beliefs. These differences started with Peter and Paul arguing over how to bring Gentile Christians into the Jewish Christian community, and continue to this day. If there is to be One Church, somehow these differences must be dealt with, preferably without a huge cost in losing people who desperately want to follow the way of Christ but disagree with the church (Leo Tolstoy leaps to mind here).

In my opinion, denominations may in the end be the best of a series of non-ideal choices while we live here in the "not yet".

Reflection vs Rumination

James was talking today about the difference between reflection and rumination. I think confusion of these two ideas has done a lot of harm to psychology in particular and in society in general.

Rumination is about stewing over something. Going back over part mistakes and hurts and chewing over the emotions and blame associated with them. Regretting what was or was not done or said and lamenting missed opportunities.

Reflection is about learning from past mistakes and hurts and using them as learning experiences to make things better next time. Realizing that the past cannot be changed, but that it can contribute to a better future. Realizing that the past is part of us, but doesn't have to dominate the future. Seeing what went wrong last time can be the first step to doing things differently next time.

Maybe psychiatry is useful after all!

A vision of Jesus...

I don't often claim to have had a vision from God, but this one was so unexpected and so strong! It is part of the Greek trip, and when I get the rest of my diary entries online I will move it to its correct position, but for now I wanted to put it down.

Quite recently I had a very difficult experience of being helpless in a hospital corridor in Greece while a friend of mine was very ill. It was 4am and I was lost and alone and not even allowed in her room. I wanted someone to pray with me for her, and first I wanted my online CHFWeb friends (no internet access) then I wanted my church minister and friends (no mobile) then I wanted a chapel to pray in (couldn't leave) or at least some prayer beads to help me concentrate (didn't have any).

So I closed my eyes and prayed anyway and I had a strong sense of the presence of God saying "Why did you think you needed those things? I promised to listen to you, just you, because I love you and you are my child. You don't need to be in a church, or to have a saint or icon to pray to, or to have friends around or beads to count. I am here with you, and that's all you need." It was such a contrast to all the very elaborate churches and icons we have been seeing over the last few days, I suddenly felt so free, so unencumbered, that I don't need any of that because of the amazing privilege of being able to come directly before God. Amazing work of Jesus to make it so!

My other strong impression we of Jesus being right beside me, praying with me. I had been all prepared to kneel before the throne, to hammer on the doors of heaven, to plead my friend's case before God - all fairly confrontational images of prayer, as I realized later.

But right there in the hospital corridor, as I closed my eyes and prayed, I felt the presence of Jesus beside me, also weary and grieved for my friend's pain, also grieved about suffering and illness, also worried for her and wanting her good. He was there in shorts and sandals, unshaven, with his head in his hands, fingers slwoly massing his temples through his curly brown hair, sorrowful as he was for Lazarus' illness and death.

I realized then how much Jesus cares for our suffering and illness, regardless of the bigger questions about why God allows suffering and does God answer prayer. Jesus was there and Jesus cares. Where is Jesus when it hurts? He is here in us as we are hurting, not in the "it" which is hurting us.

God loves us, more than we realize!

Greece Day 2 - Leptokaria

Our travels today took us away from Thessaloniki through Pella, which is the remains of the birthplace of Alexander the Great, which sounds much better than Alexander the Third. Pella was a planned city, with a layout which takes account of the rainfall and all the things which flow downhill. Amazing - they did better than Sydney which, though built over two millenia later is not planned half so well. Interestingly, Pella has the best houses at the top with the view and the rest lower down in the social order as you descend the hill. Gives a new meaning to "upper" class!

Vergina was our next stop, with the Royal Tomb of (maybe) Philip II, Alexander's father. The tomb had a suit of his armour, which showed that he seemed to have uneven leg length and wasn't very tall. The armour would have fitted me very well, making Philip about 165cm! There was also a woman buried with him, who got to keep all her amazing jewellery and dresses with her in the tomb. The dresses have rotted away, but there is so much gold thread in some parts of her clothing that the dress can be almost entirely reconstructed!

Both of them had golden crowns made to look like oak leaves wound into wreaths (I think it might have been oak, but I'm no botanist) anyway whatever it was, it was perfectly represented so that those who are botanists would have known exactly what it was. Each crown consisted of over one hundred leaves, plus acorns (seeds) and a forehead wire to support it all. Apparently all made of 24 carat gold, and if so, one huge headache to wear! The size and elaborate decoration of the crown apparently correlated with the social standing of the wearer, so Philip had the best of the best!

Tomorrow, on to Olympia!

Greece Day 1 - Thessaloniki

After a gruelling 30 hours travelling, we have arrived in Thessaloniki (the proper Greek name for Thessalonica). We are tired, grimy and out of sorts. I guess St Paul would have felt like this when he landed here as well! Although he didn't get to stop over in Singapore, Dubai and Athens on the way here.

Thessaloniki is a beach-side town with a large port, and used to be one of the largest cities of the Byzantine Empire, second only to Constantinople. We visited the famous "white tower" ironically named because of all the blood shed by executions within it. We also walked along a small remaining part of the main road which connected the East and the West (Via Egnatia).

Sophia, our knowledgeable guide, explained the whole Greek/Macedonia issue to us while we were there. It seems to me to be mostly a "branding" issue, in that the country called "Macedonia" is only a part of the larger area also called "Macedonia" and that used to be part of the Greek Empire. The Macedonians also use the symbols of Alexander the Great and the White Tower, which is undisputedly in Greek territory. So the Greeks say that "Macedonia" (the word and symbols) belong to them, but confusing the issue is that some less-informed modern Greeks think that this means they have a territorial claim on the country calling itself "Macedonia" but which used to be Yugoslavia.

Confusing! Whatever the reasons, the whole issue runs very hot and we tried not to talk about it apart from among ourselves.

While we were here we caught up with Helen and Maria Lelidis, who moved to Greece from Australia about eight years ago. Funny to think that their parents moved to Australia to give their children a better life, and now Maria and Helen have moved back to Greece for the same reason! Of course, things have changed a lot in Greece since then, and now that Greece is part of the European Union and very modern it is a much better place to live and work than during the war against the Ottoman Occupation, or the Second World War. Come to think of it, Greece has basically been either occupied or at war for the last few centuries! Makes me realize all over again how fortunate I am to have never experienced war first-hand, and to live in a country as lucky as Australia.

Going to Greece!

It has been a while since I have posted anything here - because too much is going on, not because I have nothing to say! I'll try to backdate a bit before I go, but Greece is calling! Three weeks away in the sun, beach and lots of Greek in-laws...

OK - so I'm not a romance writer!

As part of my "romance writer" research, I decided to do some study. I mean, now that the thesis is finished, I have plenty of time to read and write - right? So I bought myself five Mills & Boon paperbacks (for two dollars!) and settled in to learn about my audience.

A week later, I decided that I am definitely NOT a romance writer, or not Mills & Boon anyway. The medical romance books were all terrible! I hope this is not truly representative of what this audience likes, or else what they like is purple prose and corny cliches. It was really dreadful writing, and the sad part is that I don't think it has to be this way! Medical writing can be dramatic, romance writing can be emotionally satisfying and interesting - so I don't know why the blend turns out so awful.

Anyway, this project is on hold for the duration.

God's generosity

God is pouring out generosity on me! Yesterday we had communion at Solace, and it was a typical Jude communion - forget the cracker and sip of juice - this was fruit, cake, cheese, biscuits, bread, tea, coffee and juice by the glass! To me, the variety, generosity and plenty of the blessings of God were demonstrated there on the communion table.

I remembered one of the telling differences I noticed between "normal" communion and Greek Orthodox communion. At the Orthodox church, everyone was welcomed: babies, children, teenagers, adults, the elderly, wheelchair-bound, demented and all with no questions asked. Those who couldn't chew the bread had it soaked in the wine and spooned into the mouth. Those who could take bread had our hands filled with as many pieces as we could hold. It was a time of generous and unconditional giving, as God's love should be.

The priest explained to me that the idea is for the first memory of church as being given and fed, and the last as well. That we come to be fed, both bodily and spiritually, and that meager feeding diminishes everyone and makes us stingy in return. I loved being given as much bread as I could manage - that really chewy and heavy sourdough bread they use. I wondered how surprised everyone else would be if I said "sorry I can't eat any more, but I had communion at church this morning!"

So that was the Sunday morning gathering, then we had lunch at my parents' house, which was, naturally, another food-filled event! In the evening I decided to go drop in on the local church in Clayton which I had been invited to, but had not yet seen.

I arrived at the advertised time for the evening service (6pm) to find the church dark and quiet. I was beginning to feel a bit discouraged and to think about leaving, when someone walked through the church foyer into the hall next door carrying something which looked promisingly like a musical instrument. I wondered if the location had been moved to the hall, and followed next door.

The hall had been set up as a dining hall, with a large table down the middle and the band setting up at one end. It turns out that it was their quarter-annual Fellowship Dinner, and I was welcomed to join them for more food! We had singing, prayer, fellowship and lots of Indian and Sri Lankan food (the majority of the congregation) with dessert and coffee and sweets. I was almost overwhelmed by the welcome and interest shown in me - this is obviously a congregation where everyone knows everyone and a new person is the subject of much discussion and welcome. Nearly everyone there made a point of speaking to me and asking me something and telling me something about themselves. I was invited to join groups mid-week and on weekends, a marriage course and a regular Bible study. The warmth of the welcome was even better than the food.

So this is the hospitality of God!

Thesis passed

The new university policy of get your results by SMS seems to be working. I got a message yesterday that my thesis passed! Unfortunately it didn't do as well as I had hoped, but realistically it was a bit of a last-minute rush job. It is a bit of a shame to ruin the series of HDs, but I suppose it was too much to hope to maintain the pace with everything else going on.

Now that is all over, the next step will be to send a copy of the academic transcript to the College, and get my letters (FRACP) to proclaim myself a fully qualified paediatrician! After only seven years, too.

The next thing after that will be to get a real job...

Am I a romance writer?

Last time I went to see Vicky, she recommended that I find some quiet, home-based hobbies so that when/if I ever end up getting pregnant I don't got stir crazy at home all the time! So, I have decided to try my hand at writing a book. I logged onto eHarlequin.com (The publishers of Mills & Boon) and downloaded their author guidelines.

I decided to write what I know, and have written a synopsis of a romance about a paediatric registrar and a surgical registrar (sound familiar?) set in a busy emergency department. There is a full cast of patients, families, students and nurses, and I hope there will be some exciting resuscitation scenes.

The funny thing is that the more I think about it, the more enthusiastic I am about writing it! I have so many ideas about how to "show not tell" which is the first rule of good writing, and I feel that at least I know the material and the setting well!

Now to actually write the thing...50,000 words coming right up!

Communion by any other name?

Yesterday Jude gave a very interesting talk about the different names for what we generally call communion and what those various names emphasize:

- the Lord's Supper because it is a remembrance of the cross which we do in obedience to His "do this in remembrance of me"
- communion because we gather together as a body of believers together and "commune" with each other and with God
- mass (which comes from the latin "missio") because we are equipped with the power of God to be sent out on our mission
- sacrament because it is a holy time by which we are sanctified
- eucharist (thanksgiving) for Jesus' sacrifice and grace

Interesting to see how each name emphasizes a different aspect of God's grace. Actually, I have never used it before, but I like the connotations of calling it mass, in the sense of this is the means by which we are filled and equipped to go out and do God's work in the world!

What's the difference?

I feel restless.

Something is telling me that my life is not quite "right", but I don't know in what way. I am frustrated with myself that I am not changing, improving. I ask myself: What difference does it make that I am a Christian? How would my life be different if I were not one?

- I would have Sunday mornings free
- I would say "no" more often without feeling guilty
- I wouldn't have a fish sticker on my car

Is that it?

I feel that I am no different for being a Christian than I was before, or than I would be otherwise, and yet I feel that there should be a difference.

Even if I wasn't a Christian, I don't think I would go around telling lies and being mean to people, getting drunk, breaking the law, dressing like a tart, talking back to my husband and parents. I probably would read my horoscope in the paper each day. But if being a Christian doesn't change me, doesn't change my behaviour, then what good is it? What use is it? What difference does it make?

Is it valid to say that I am a Christian, but all the differences are purely interal? That being a Christian is good for me (I feel that it is) but this makes no difference to those around me or to my outward behaviour, speech and actions? This sounds uncomfortably close to James' indictment of "faith without actions is dead".

I also don't buy the argument that all being a Christian means is getting into heaven - pie in the sky when we die. This is not what I feel should be right, not what I see and hear in those around me.

On being a patient

I am being a terrible patient, but in doing so I am experiencing and remember what it is to be a "bad" patient - I hope this will inform my future actions as a doctor!

First, I panicked and went through denial, grief and despair (this is all without waiting for any actual information - this is just on the report from the ultrasound technician).

Next, I did some avoiding and went shopping on eBay, didn't talk to anyone and generally tried to forget all about it. I think this phase lasted about 24 hours before I was even ready to look for more information - strange, since I always thought of myself as a logical and information-driven type of person!

It was not until a day and a half later that I felt able to even go looking for information. When I did, I searched the internet and found the expected hash of anecdotes and advertising. This is exactly the reason I don't encourage my patients to look on the internet, but I ended up doing it myself and frightening myself silly...

Then I went to the medical literature and had a look there, which confirmed my impression that not much research is done in this area. A lot of what goes on seems to be based on either a single study from 1993 (over ten years old) or on research done by those in the industry and therefore highly suspect.

I also went to my online friends for sympathy and reassurance - I didn't feel able to discuss this face to face with real live people without bursting into tears. It was in this that my true situation was brought to my attention. Again, this is strange because I would not necessarily have advised someone in my situation to seek our friends and go whinging to them, yet this is the one thing which really helped.

The ladies on CHFWeb reminded me of the good old-fashioned and true advice: count your blessings! You are only 32, still have a good run of child-bearing years in front of you, have only had one miscarriage (one lady there had four), a problem has been found and it is fixable! I should be gleeful and joyful and looking forward to having a minor day surgical procedure and then having as many children as I can handle!

The funny thing is that I do feel a lot better! Unexpected, under the circumstances. I think it was just the shock of having a diagnosis made and a problem identified. A useful experience for a doctor, I think.

Ultrasound results

I went for a pelvic ultrasound yesterday, as the start of infertility investigations. It is suddenly all strange to be a patient in a hospital rather than a professional. I went to a different place I have never been before and had to ask at the desk where to go, what papers I needed, where the bathrooms are. Suddenly everything takes on a huge significance, and I felt a strong need to do it all "right" and to be seen as a "good patient" and not be "difficult". Not sure where that came from, since I always encourage my patients to ask all the questions they need to.

The ultrasound itself was not as uncomfortable as I had expected - I guess that is the difference between a professional who does it all the time and getting another registrar to do a quick scan in a back room on a tea break. They even had a second screen set up so I could see what the technician was seeing, not that it helped since I am not very good at interpreting ultrasounds, but she explained what we were seeing as it went along.

She scanned my uterus, ovaries, pelvic floor, etc and told me all the measurements. Just like every other patient, I asked her: Is that normal? Is that OK? Does that mean I have follicles and eggs?

Halfway through examining my uterus she said "Oh, you have a very large septum here." I had to ask her what that meant, and after a long pause she just said "You had better get your doctor to explain it." Of course, I didn't wait for that but started worrying immediately! I suppose that up until now I was assuming all was normal and it was just taking time to get pregnant - no-one really expects to hear that something is actually wrong until it actually happens.

Like all good patients, I then went and looked up "septate uterus" on the internet using google, and found all sorts of horrifying procedures which can be done to correct this. Not relishing the idea of surgery, I went to the medical literature to search the evidence for the implications and consequences and therapies (if any) for this condition. I found some rather daunting statistics which suggest an over 90% miscarriage rate and managed to work myself into a great old state of panic.

What creates change?

This morning we had supervision for the family therapy team, and we discussed the question: what creates change?

This is a difficult question because so many families come to us, some change and some don't. Sometimes we think we are doing fantastic and therapeutic work and nothing happens. Sometimes we think we are doing nothing in particular and people get better anyway...

Is change to do with the therapy? The therapist? The "readiness" of the person? The therapeutic alliance? Something else?

The studies show that the person coming brings 40% of the change with them. The alliance/relationship between the therapist and client accounts for another 20% and the therapy being used about 10%, which leaves 30% still unaccounted for...

The other conversation we had was about how our own experiences of change impact on our professional model of change. Once again I was struck by how different people are in how they see the world, even among the therapy team. Vash talked about how the experience of difference changed her, John about how seeing the need for change in his life helped him make changes. Lisa said the most important factor for her was insight into how and why she acted as she does, in order to change it. Other factors mentioned were readiness, motivation and seeing the level of dysfunction/problem rising beyond what is acceptable - the "last straw" effect.

I guess we are all combinations of motivation, insight, experiences and needs, but there is something else as well. That indefinable spark of "free will" that lets us decide to change, or not...

God's hospitality

Yesterday we talked about the hospitality of God: that which God expects us to give to Him and to others, that which God invites us to enjoy.

One point which was new to me, was that God can receive from us. Strangely, I had never considered this much before. God made everything, owns everything, and if there were anything He wanted which He didn't have easily to hand, surely He could just make it? For Him, to imagine could be to have, instantly.

Yet, in the Bible we hear of God entering into covenants with people, talking and bargaining with people, promising to do things for people and asking for things in return: worship, obedience, building an ark (and another ark) and a tent, and a building. I knew all this, yet never thought of God wanting anything - I guess I just assumed that all this was just to exercise our obedience muscles, or as a test.

It is also a rather strange thought that anything we can offer could be acceptable to God. He could immediately have the best of all possible foods, materials, incense or buildings, if He should decide He wanted such things. Reminds me a bit of my grandmother going to a restaurant and saying "I could make this better at home for half the price!"

But God accepts our offerings when we give them - He accepted hospitality from Lot, from Abraham, from Mary. He accepts our offerings to do His work, given through the church and other groups. He allows us to participate in the running of the world through prayer - even allows us to talk directly to Him in whatever ways we need to. I think sometimes I talk more respectfully to my boss here on earth than to my God. Hmmm.

God accepts what I offer, so surely everything I offer should be of the very best? Yet, He also says that everything I do should be as if it were done for Him. So, I should give my best all the time, and not keep it just for offerings to God. Now that's generosity on God's part - to ask for my best, only to give it back again to the world!

Is Solace a dinner party or a concert?

An interesting post from Ian today about the nature of Solace:

We don’t go to Solace, we are Solace. Our decisions about whether we choose to attend things and how we interact with each other when we do will make Solace what it is, or is not to become. What ever we want Solace to be is what we have to become in order to participate in making it happen.

Very interesting! What do I express each time I go to gather at Solace? What do I bring? What do I expect? Am I what I would like to receive there?

The other aspect Ian discusses very well is what we think Solace is. If Solace is a concert, then we are the audience and not participants or performers. If Solace is a dinner party then we are equal participants. I think of Solace as a book club - a purposeful gathering of individuals to learn and nurture a common interest and a common goal.

Ian is also correct in that how we see Solace will influence how we interact with each other and how we regard our attendance. As a concert, our attendance or not is our own loss or gain with no impact on others. As a dinner party or book club, attendance will influence the experience of others also attending, our contribution (or not) will affect others in very essential ways.

Bible study questions

An interesting method of Bible study which I came across today, is to read a passage with the following questions in mind: Does this passage contain...

1. a sin to confess?
2. a command to obey?
3. an example to follow?
4. an error to avoid?
5. a promise to claim?
6. a thought about God that is new to me?

I still am not sure about committing to another serious course of study, so I don't know if I should take up theology studies next semester, or just have a rest from study. Either way, I feel a call to get back to God somehow - not sure what form it should take. Bible reading and a small group would be traditional, but I guess I should just see what comes up.

Starting infertility investigations...

Today I went to the doctor (Vicky) to talk about starting infertility investigations. It was so hard just to name the problem! To sit there and say that I am failing at this most essential function of a woman and wife - to name it and claim it as part of who I am. This also involved going back over my miscarriage of last year, which I thought I was recovered from, but discovered that I am not as over it as I had thought. I nearly started crying again in the office - which is ridiculous!

It was three weeks of being pregnant and then it was over, and yet I still feel such a sense of loss over the whole event. Probably because I am too aware of being 32 and still not a mother, still not a paediatrician, neither a person with a lot of hobbies nor an active social life, not the owner of my own home, not a philosophy or theology student - not even slim and fit! What have I been doing with all my time??

Anyway, to get a grip - Ann, my cousin, whose blog is now linked here, is adopting a baby girl from Vietnam! Her full story is rather harrowing, and I hope that we don't end up going the same route, but I wouldn't mind adopting a baby from Vietnam. Dean is very against the idea of adopting though, and would rather be childless than adopt, which I most definitely would not!

Ah well, here's hoping it doesn't come to that. Blood tests and ultrasound next week...

God at play

This morning at Solace we talked about rest and play. God made rest and incorporated it into his commands and his plans for us. Jesus took time to rest and even to go to weddings, but we don't hear about him playing. We took some time to wonder what this might be like...

I thought about going dancing, and how much fun that is with the right partner, how you can dance and talk, how moving together in time to good music is both a physical and aesthetic pleasure. I can imagine Jesus doing a fantastic foxtrot! He would of course be perfectly in time with the music, have a great lead with a smooth motion and just right rise and fall. Dancing with him would be both fun and exciting - a challenge to live up to, and he would expect his partner to keep learning and to "listen" to his lead.

He wouldn't be always too serious either, or too critical. He might give tips of things which need to be corrected, but he would be able to chat and laugh - can't dance well without laughing! He would have a sense of floor-craft and be considerate of other dancers, especially beginners. Not having eyes in the back of his head, he still might crash into people sometimes, but he would be the consummate gentleman and apologize even if it wasn't his fault, and check that both ladies were all right.

He could also cut it at latin, and have a dynamic jive action to die for! He would have that sense of fun which makes a jive exciting to watch and exhausting and exhilarating to dance! He would give it his all and not mind the sweat running down his face - he would just flick his head back and laugh. I think he would be good at samba too - smooth with a little bounce in the rhythm to give it that syncopation that good samba needs. He would also be respectful enough to keep his hands to himself, and not ogle the other men on the floor either!

And afterward he would smile and escort me to a chair, get me a glass of water and let me recover and watch him spin another girl around the floor. He would be the kind to share himself around and even do progressive dancing to encourage beginners to take the floor. He would ask a wallflower to dance and give her a chance to show what she can do. He would be kind, considerate, friendly, social, exciting, challenging and I would always look forward to dancing with him again.

Maybe I should aim to be more like Jesus?

New church, time for new growth

I went and tried out the local church (one of three) which is across the road. I feel a bit silly in some ways to be driving over half an hour to get to a church when there is one right across the road! On the other hand, that assumes that all churches are the same, which is definitely not true, and that relationships can just be interchanged, also not true.

This local church is quite small - about twenty people, half teenagers and young adults the rest adults some with babies. It seems a fairly dynamic, contemporary kind of place. The teaching appears to be systematic Bible teaching which is currently working through Romans (my personal favourite) and this seems to bode well for a mid-week Bible study group - something I have really missed since coming back from Ballarat.

Thinking about priorities: thesis and work have consumed me for the last six months. I haven't had the time or energy to grow in any other ways. I think the time has come to make some room to grow in the ways which really count - growing in knowledge and wisdom of God, and in self control! I think I have grown more short-tempered and impatient recently, which is not a good change. I need to take back responsibility for my own spiritual growth and get back to Bible study and prayer as a regular discipline. The fact that I can't even find my Bible says something, I think!

Paediatric Public Policy Committee

We had our first meeting last night since I joined the PPPC, and it was the usual boring committee stuff. I can't believe anything ever gets done by a committee! Twelve people is far too many to decide anything, and much of the discussion was pedantic semantics and nit-picking.

Some interesting topics are coming up though - I am thinking of volunteering to help re-write the circumcision policy, except that I can't find the old one to read! I know, I know, I said I didn't want to become over-committed, but I have to do something or I'm not living!

Dancing again!

Last night I went dancing again! I remembered how much I enjoyed it and want to do it again. The social interaction, the challenge of following the lead, the learning new steps and new variations and even the exercise!

I would really like to get back to dancing regularly, but at the same time I am aware of the need not to become over-committed. I have just arranged my life so that I'm not going out doing things every night or studying every night and I need to remember to keep it that way!

Fear of discipline

I wonder why so many parents don't seem to discipline their children? Is it that they don't know how? Or fear doing it? Or does it just seem like too much effort? I know many parents don't want to smack their children, so it is that they don't know any other ways?

Take one of the girls I am currently seeing; she is six years old and her mother is too frightened to tell her "no" about anything. She gets money from her mother's purse, goes to the shops, sleeps in her mother's bed and has tantrums when she doesn't get her own way. Her mother says she doesn't know what to do or doesn't have the energy to do it. She doesn't seem to realize that it is only going to get worse and harder to correct with time.

Other parents want to be "friends" with their children, and seem to feel it is "mean" to set limits or say no. They don't realize that their children need limits to feel safe (children with too much power in the family become anxious) and that teaching their child self-discipline comes after imposed family rules are learnt. Learning limitations on self and consideration for others is a basic part of life and I pity the children who don't learn that young - they often lack social skills, don't make friends easily and are in for serious disappointments in life.

What is care?

Doing psychiatry has given me a lot of time and opportunity to think about what it really means to "care" for your children. So many parents seem to think that caring means doing everything for your children and letting them have as much and as many opportunities as possible.

Yet I hear a mother saying that when she left home and married, she did not know how to cook and had the worst few months of her life trying to learn to run a house.

I see an eighteen year old boy who still jumps on the couch, has no sense of the value of work or of money and has a sense of entitlement which is going to get him disappointed some day very soon, I suspect.

So I wonder - isn't true care to prepare your children for the world? To teach them about work and limits and manners and skills? To give them a sense of personal discipline and achievement, as well as opportunities? To teach them that they have to commit and see their commitments through?

In short: to care is to discipline.

Thesis is finished!

Finally! The thesis is finished, and I can get back to having a life, hobbies and a blog! And finished getting the house organized after the move, take up dancing again, start that theology course I've always wanted to do, get fit, lose weight, get back to the gym, write a book review, publish an article, organize jobs for next year, see a doctor, get my hair done...

And take some time to relax! Note to self: do NOT get over-committed!

Psychiatry is difficult

Psychiatry is more difficult than I expected, though not for the reasons I had expected. I had worried about being depressed and over-identifying with the patients as I did when I was a medical student. Perhaps it is with more life experience, or perhaps the fact that all my patients are teenagers, but this does not seem to be a problem so far. I still identify very strongly with the patients (as is appropriate for a paediatrician) but now I am able to keep myself a little apart and see their problems as, well, their problems. This lets me identify where their behaviour is adaptive and where it is not.

The problem seems to be with the parents. Perhaps it is this strong identification with the patients, or seeing where the parents own behaviour is not adaptive, but I find myself increasingly blaming the parents and getting frustrated with them. I see that this is not an adaptive response for me! Doing something about it is much harder, though...

As Michael G pointed out in his orientation lecture on that first day - sometimes the inability of the system to change or to accept help and suggestions is part of the problem. This is till their problem, not yours. While true, this only allys my anxiety partially. On Friday morning I didn't want to come to work and see three patients, which I recognize in myself as non-adaptive avoidant behaviour. Maybe that doctor/patient separation is not as complete as I thought!

Deuteronomy 8

A strong rebuke for the self made man today:

You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth. (Deut 8:17,18)

These days is more about intelligence, entrepreneurship and opportunism, but these is still the same strong flavour of those who work hard deserve to do well, and those who are just slacking off are also getting what they deserve. Dole Bludgers is another common term with the same implications.

I wonder if in our rich society people are more self-sufficient and therefore despise those who are not. If I have worked and made all my own money, why does God deserve any of it? I wonder if this is one of the reasons why it is harder for the rich man to get to heaven? Perhaps those who are rich don't feel the need for God and don't give God any credit.

CS Lewis was right again - God whispers to us in our pleasures but shouts to us in our pains. It is so easy to ignore God when things are going well. Thanking God for our blessings is not just for His benefit.

The "Text of Terror" (1 Tim 2:8-15)

Ben Witherington hits the spot! On Saturday (Feb 25) he wrote a translation and explanation of that difficult passage in Timothy: I do not allow a woman to teach or hold authority over a man.

He makes the point (which I think is the most important) that in this statement, if it is interpreted as a blanket rule, Paul then contradicts what he says in other places about women speaking in church, prophesying, teaching other women, etc. Since we know that this cannot be the case, why does it appear to be the case?

Ben points out that these verses are a corrective to a problem which already exists in the church, and probably a temporary measure rather than a permanent blanket rule. In a church which exists within a pagan society where women priestesses were powerful and educated, it would be natural for these women to want to take charge and teach, even if they were new converts (which is also forbidden elsewhere).

He talks about the women learning in quietness and submission to the teaching - in the Jewish Law, everyone was to keep quiet and in submission when the Word of God was being read. Paul points out that as a result of incomplete teaching from Adam about the rules of the Tree of Life, Eve was vulnerable to deception. A person not properly instructed is much more easily deceived.

I'll have to take this on faith, not being a Greek scholar, but apparently the form of "do not permit" used by Paul here implies "do not currently permit" rather than "would never permit", implying that when the current problem is resolved, presumably by good teaching and understanding, then at some future time the restriction may be lifted.

The whole childbearing bit seems strange to me, but apparently it is some kind of parallel between the Fall coming through Eve and the Saviour coming through Mary. Reminds me of Paul's section on "through one man (Adam) we fell and through one man (Jesus) we are saved". Very Paul.

Deuteronomy 5 - Blasphemy

I have finally read Jude's study on blasphemy from January (sorry Jude!) and found it to be much better than I had originally expected. Unfortunately for me, the session opened with a Billy Connelly movie, so by the time we got to serious discussion I was seriously bored and disengaged, and failed to give proper attention to the material under discussion.

Now that I come back to it with a clear mind - nothing clearer than my mind today - completely blank...

Oh yes, blasphemy. Jude's point is that blasphemy is not just about saying the Name of God in a disrespectful way, but about misusing the authority of God that goes with the Name. Paul is very clear about this when he says "Not I, but the Lord" and conversely "Not the Lord, but I". he was avoiding blasphemy by being clear about when he had divine authority to speak and when he did not.

These days I more often hear the reverse: "Somewhere in the Bible it says you should do what I want" seems to be the common use. Proof-texting and taking verses out of context to support our arguments is distressingly more common than taking the Bible seriously, as a whole Word of God. Brian McLaren talks about "taking verses and using them as weapons to bash our brothers into submission" which is also more common than using the whole of the Bible as a critique and a mirror for our own lives, which to me seems the more obvious purpose of it.

Sloughing off personal responsibility would be the other use for the name of God - God told me to do it becomes as much of a "get out of jail free" card as the devil made me do it. Uncomfortable parallel there.

Finally, the truth that every Christian who has ever lived with a non-Christian knows instinctively, the aspect of being a living witness:

When our actions are selfish, judgmental, divisive, or devoid of love, compassion and integrity, God’s reputation is sullied. And if we compound our offences by trying to cover them up and refusing to apologise and make good, then God’s name is dragged through the mire.

Deuteronomy 3-4 (Ash Wednesday)

This book makes the interesting community observation that though some of the tribes had by now taken their bits of the Promised Land, the menfolk of those tribes were still required to continue fighting for their brothers' land, until all could enter the Rest of the Lord together.

Today, there is much more of an "I'm OK so why should I worry?" attitude. On the other hand (human nature being what it is and selfishness common in every age) perhaps it was a problem then as well, hence a specific command was necessary!

Having conquered part, if not all of the Holy Land, there is another very interesting instruction, which again reflects the eternal nature of human forgetfulness:

Be careful and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Has anything so great as this ever happened? Or has anything like it been heard of? (Deut 4:9,32)

Human nature is ever forgetful and asking "So what have you done for me lately?" So quickly we forget the signs and wonders and love of God on which we first believed!

This Lent season, I shall endeavour to return to my first love and my first eagerness to learn of God. I will learn of God from his Word in serious study every day and remember to pray and give thanks, not just during Lent, but every day...with God's help!

Deuteronomy 2

This systematic reading of the Bible program is turning out better than I expected. I did not think I would like or learn much from re-reading the "boring" parts of the OT, but it turning out to be true that "all Scripture is God-breathed and useful".

Today's bit of Deuteronomy is about the Israelites wandering in the desert after being afraid to enter the Promised Land. I wonder if other parts of our lives reflect the same pattern? If we do not accept the calling of the Lord to do as He wills, that we wander aimlessly finding unsatisfying ways of filling our time?

I can't help wondering if some church programs might be like this - not necessarily ignoring, but not understanding the call of God to work in some particular area, and filling up rosters and meetings with other programs? Peter C. used to describe this as "leaves" as opposed to fruit.

Now there was a man after God's heart! A leader, compassionate, approachable with an amazing understanding of the human heart and how to bring God's healing and reconciliation to it. He not only did amazing work himself, he established leaders and a whole institute to carry on the work after him. Surely this is what happens when someone devotes himself to the work of God?

I'm glad to say that after some rocky times, I feel that Solace is heading the same way. As we define ourselves and work in God's will, we are growing and learning. So far, we have very few "leaves" and I just hope we can sustain the pace!

Homosexuality - a barometer for orthodoxy

This is not an original observation (kudos to Vicki L!) but I think it is very true. I have previously pondered why homosexuality seems to be such a hot topic lately and one which polarizes Christians so completely. Often, a person's stance on this topic alone is enough to label him/her "liberal" or "conservative" in the eyes of others. Maybe homosexuality is to this generation what Creationism/Evolutionism was to the one before us. (I have also seen this issue used as a barometer of how people handle the Bible.)

Vicky also pointed out that this issue (like many others) is one with faithful, Spirit-filled, Bible-believing, godly Christians on both sides. Given that this is such an area of contention and uncertainty, should we not give as much grace as possible?

This response to RLP's post summed it up for me:

If I stand before God and God says, "why did you let so many people into the church?" I live with that judgment. For God to say, "Why did you keep closing the door when I was pushing it open?" is something I could not live with.

Thinking about Lenting

I can't believe it is Lent again, already! Every year since I became a Christian I have observed Lent in one form or another. Actually my Lent story pretty closely reflects my Christian phases:

1) Giving up something - not sure why, but trying to be obedient.
2) Giving up something more - whatever the "giving up" thing is about, it doesn't seem to be working. Logical response? Do it more.
3) Giving up something really drastic (see above)
4) Realizing that being vegetarian for over a month is a complete pain for everyone around me (still don't cook at this point) and deciding that the substance of following Jesus is not about making trouble for others, but reforming one's own soul. Decide that the best path for this must be martyrdom.
5) Flounder for a while with token efforts at self-punishment.
6) Realize that Lent is not about self-punishment and decide to take on positive Lent disciplines.

The nutshell version of this last position (where I am now) is found in a quote from Jesus Creed:

Getting rid of sins is not the whole story: growth in grace is both ridding ourselves of sin and acquiring something new. What is that something new?

So here we all are - looking for something. It doesn't have to be something new - the rhythm of the church year brings back the old and the new, and everything old is new again. This Lent I am reading the Bible (gasp!) and the Old Testament, at that. Not much older than the OT, and yet to me it is almost all new, having been nearly twenty years since I started reading it through the first time.

I think this reading is also different because I am reading it as the Word of God - didn't know that the first time. Reading a living Word with the Holy Spirit looking over your shoulder and pointing things out is much better than reading a history book with NIV notes!

Reading between the lines...

One of the problems that people with autism spectrum or Asperger's commonly have, is that they can be very concrete and struggle with metaphor. They tend to take things literally and not to understand allegory, allusion or simile.

We were explaining this to the parents of a boy with Asperger's and how this makes completing high school English difficult, as a high level of interpretation and understanding is usually required. These children may have done well early on, with more concrete comprehension tasks especially those requiring good memory, but the interpretation part often takes them by surprise. Some will say things like "but the answer to the question wasn't in the book!"

Today, we were saying to these parents that Asperger's boys often have trouble reading between the lines. With a panic-stricken expression he said "What do you mean reading between the lines? There isn't anything there!"

Which is, of course, the point.

Ethics of gambling post

This was a great post on Feb 8 by Ben Witherington (read the whole thing on his blog) about the ethics of gambling and why Christians should not participate. His excellent points are:

- that gambling is the opposite of the usual work ethic, where a worker is worth his hire, and tries to get something for nothing, or at least a lot for a little.
- gambling relies on most people losing most of the time, and is therefore probably against the laws about not lending at excessive interest or profiting from the poor.
- gambling is not a good use of the money under our stewardship, since it is purely a personal and selfish entertainment, and an addictive one.
- often, it is driven by a selfish fear of poverty or a wish to provide luxuries for oneself. Really, God provides for our needs, through work or through the church and luxuries which we can't earn or be given we can learn to do without.
- gambling is a whole industry based on the sin of greed, and plays on this in order to make a profit. Everyone who participates in this either supports it by losing money to it or profiting from those who.

Quote of the day:

Gambling is an act of despair by those who either never trusted God or have given up doing so. James was right--- "the love of money is a root of all imaginable sorts of evil".

Go Ben!

The Muslim Jesus speaks

Something from Jesus Creed, which is a quote from the Muslim scriptures about Jesus:

“It is of no use to come to know what you did not know, so long as you do not act in accordance with what you already know. Too much knowledge only increases pride if you do not act in accordance with it”

I love this, and it reflect the very Westernized concept of learning being totally separate from our actions. When I am trying to educate parents about their child's health, people often say "Oh yes, I know that." I always want to say "Well, why don't you do it then?"

I have heard of ministers who say that they are not going to preach more until the congregation puts into action what has been taught so far. Some therapists do the same, and until the patient starts following the advice already given, won't give any more. It is so true that most of us already have more Bible and theoretical knowledge than we will ever use, so why this need to read more, know more, etc. Could it be pride? Or laziness? Could it be that "learning" is easier than doing?

A flash of psychiatric light...

I may end up doing psychiatry after all! Yesterday we had an amazing discussion about the nature of psychiatry from one of the consultants who obviously remembers what it is to be a registrar and just starting out. He talked about when you get the patient who presses all your own buttons about your childhood traumas, and when you feel inadequate, or when you find yourself taking your work home and you can't stop thinking about it. He remembers.

Even better, he has answers! I recognize gold when I hear it, and this was 90 minutes of solid gold. He talked about boundaries and keeping them intact both for our sakes and also for the patient. He talked about our job as making the diagnosis and formulation of the problem, and the fact that this may include the patient's inability to accept help or to move past the problem - this is therefore part of the problem and not our fault. He very rightly said that if we were presented with a patient with small cell carcinoma of the lung, we wouldn't be talking about cure because we would have a realistic approach to what is possible, and psychiatry has these cases as well. Taking on multi-generational abuse and relationship dysfunction and expecting to fix it all in a six-month rotation - well, denial ain't just a river (for doctors as well as patients).

He reminded me of that old, old, but still true saying: the patient is the one with the problem. He reminded us that our job is to diagnose, formulate a plan, help and advise. If the patient doesn't accept the help, take the advice or follow the plan, that is the patient's problem. There is only so much that people can be helped. There comes a point (even with kids) where you have to either take them home with you and adopt them, or let them go.

They belong to their parents to take care of, and though the parents feel inadequate and want us doctors to take over, we can't. Even though we are nearly all compulsive care-givers (so true!) and we want to take over and make it all better, we can't do that either. Even when parents project helplessness and weakness and we just want to take it all on and fix the world and make it all better - we can't. At the end of the day, we make the diagnosis and the plan and give it back to the parents.

I hope this doesn't all sound too cynical, but this was a cold, hard shot of reality where I really needed it. I know that I do take too much on myself, and wonder why I feel inadequate and frustrated. Responsibility for the problem without power for change is the ultimate recipe for frustration, and one hour a week is just not enough leverage to change what goes on in these families every hour of every day.

Now I know that, I think I can get back to doing my job (and, I hope, doing it well) and leave all the emotional baggage at work, where it belongs.

Leviticus 5

After so many years of reading the Bible, it seems strange to be redicovering it now, but there it is. I am becoming increasingly aware of the call to dwell in the Living Word and let God speak to me and change me through it. Even the old statutes which I struggled to read the first time through the Bible, now speak of relevant and serious commands from God, Leviticus being a particularly striking example.

The LORD said to Moses: "If anyone sins and is unfaithful to the LORD by deceiving his neighbor about something entrusted to him or left in his care or stolen, or if he cheats him, or if he finds lost property and lies about it, or if he swears falsely, or if he commits any such sin that people may do; when he thus sins and becomes guilty, he must return what he has stolen or taken by extortion, or what was entrusted to him, or the lost property he found, or whatever it was he swore falsely about.

God is very concerned with how we treat each other, and speaks to this as seriously as the more obviously "religious" commands. Any speech to another person is taken as seriously as a vow to God! How amazing would it be if all Christians could be so trustworthy! This sense of trustworthiness is extended also to found items and property held in trust or borrowed, which I have observed that most people would not feel so stringently about returning. God tells us the opposite of "finders-keepers", and I wonder if this should be taken to refer to all games of chance and opportunity? Gambling would seem to me to be against the spirit of only taking what you have made or earned or own - perhaps it is a kind of extortion, since one man's gain is another's loss?

If a person sins because he does not speak up when he hears a public charge to testify regarding something he has seen or learned about, he will be held responsible.

The social responsibility side is also emphasized, much more than in our society today where people generally disclaim any responsibility which is not directly ours. The responsibility to "blow the whistle" is positively discouraged in some industries (medicine is one) and the charge to publicly testify to wrongdoing is often subsumed in worries about what such speaking out might to do one's career. Witnessing to the crimes of our society is also not popular, though in some areas it is becoming more so. A Christian responsibility to stand up and make a fuss! Now that would be worth doing!

Leviticus 4

In Leviticus 4 there is a comment about if someone sin unintentionally, he is still guilty of sin.

This is an interesting statement in a society where "I didn't know" seems to be considered the excuse for everyone from politicians on up. Claiming not to have been there, not to have been aware, not to be responsible all seems to add up to it not being my fault or my responsibility to fix. It is interesting that God says otherwise.

To me, this means that it is my responsibility to be aware of the law under which I live. It is my responsibility to follow both the laws of the country and the commands of God. Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

More than this, it is also my responsibility to be aware of what is happening in the world around me, especially the part of it for which I have accepted a duty of care. It is my business to know what is happening to my patients and in my unit and on my ward. It is also my responsibility to know what is happening in my community and in my church, in my society. Ignorance of the facts is no excuse either.

This is a very interesting article about a philosophy of evangelism:

http://www.youthspecialties.com/articles/topics/recreation/entertained_to_death.php

I think it is a symptom of living in a pluralistic world, where the church is afraid to teach it as it is, and instead relies on "marketing techniques" to appeal to people. People brought into the church by the appeal of prosperity gospel teaching are not necessarily going to like being told to reform their lives, bear the yoke of persecution and engage in social justice.

When Jesus taught, he was not afraid to say up-front that the way of following Him demands personal sacrifice. It wasn't in the fine print of the contract, it was on the front page. No-one could ever say to Jesus that they were disappointed that they weren't getting their needs met, yet I think this happens quite often in the modern church. Is the problem in the structure of the church in meeting needs, or is the problem the expectation that the church should meet all our needs?

Today I got a message to return to my roots

Today I was visiting the York St Church of Christ in Ballarat - great place! - and I felt God present and speaking to me in a way which I haven't felt for a long time. I suddenly realized that this is what I have been missing. I have been praying and going to church intermittently, sometimes in Melbourne and sometimes here, and I have nothing regular or stable in my spiritual life. I have been praying for guidance and not hearing anything specific, probably because I have no room in my lift to listen.

It occurs to me that I have lost my old enthusiasm for the spiritual disciplines of Bible study, regular fasting and prayer, but not replaced them with anything else. The search for new and interesting forms of spirituality is all very well, but I feel that to have God as a constant presence in my life, I need to put aside regular time and attention to listen for Him.

I don't think it is fair or reasonable to come to God only in times of crisis and ignore Him otherwise. (Even if He would allow it, and He might, it would not be optimal for my own spiritual growth.) I want to listen for/to God every day, and I feel sure that He will have something to say!

So here's the plan: I will buy a new study Bible and read it every day and make notes in the margins or on looseleaf in the pages (can't think without a pen in my hand). The experiment begins next week, after I get to a bookshop...

How best to hear the Spirit?

Last Sunday at Solace we had an exercise in listening for the Holy Spirit. There were lots of other groups doing other things, but that's what I was doing. I found it difficult to concentrate with all the ambient noise and put my hands over my ears in order to focus on my thoughts and not get distracted. It was then that the thought occurred to me - is putting my hands over my ears in church the best way to hear God?

I started wondering how else I block out the sounds around me which could be the voice of God? I then wondered how would be the best way to listen for the Spirit?

- I think the first thing has to be to ask Him to come, and to listen for what He says when He does speak. Hands over ears are out!
- Try to listen with an open mind - no-one hears the answers they don't want to hear, as I know well.
- Perhaps knowing what He has done and how would be helpful? This would mean listening to testimonies, reading biographies, reading the Bible to find out what He has done in the past and for other people.
- At the same time, being open for Him to speak and act in different or unexpected ways. For all that the Holy Spirit lives inside every believer, I still find Him the most un-knowable of the Trinity.
- Since He is within and around us all the time, try to see Him in the world and in daily life. I think "retreating" to find God should not always be necessary if we can manage to be intentional in ordinary times and places.

Further points as they come to hand!

Last night I saved a life

It is the moments like this which remind me why I chose to do medicine, and paediatrics in particular. Some days it seems like all I do is hand out Ritalin and reassurance, but every now and then I really feel like I made a difference to someone's life.

I got the call at a quarter to four in the morning (never my best time) but it was obviously a delivery I needed to be there for, especially since the person calling was my previous resident and knew what he was about. It is always a judgement call as to how much the person on the other end of the phone knows about the condition and what confidence it is possible to place in their opinion, but in this case I knew it would be the real deal.

I always like going to deliveries; all the pain and blood are washed away in joy the moment the baby cries. I suppose the parents must get tired of the sound after a while, but that first cry is always miraculous.

Unfortunately this baby had no cry at birth, being pale and floppy and without a heart rate. We went all out working on him, with tubes down his throat and artificial breathing - in these cases I don't stop to think, I just know what has to be done - and six minutes later he was pink and crying.

Strangely enough, I didn't really think about what we do until the resident pointed out - Wow! He was born with no breathing or heart beat and I thought he was dead and you saved him!

It was only then that I thought - Hey yeah, so I did!

Lord, Change Me

This is a book by Evelyn Christenson which is speaking to me at the moment. It follows my earlier thoughts about living with the sound off, and also talks about living and doing what we believe, rather than thinking, writing or talking about it.

If (as James tells us) faith which is not lived out in actions dies, what does this mean for our highly cerebral and literate society? For our intellectual faith? For our belief-based church? For my faith, which mainly takes place in my thoughts and writing? Where does all this thought-life find a way to express itself in action? How does God actually do things through me in the world? Speaking and witnessing is all very well, but am I God's hands in the world, as well as words?

6 Reasons why being married is like riding a tandem bicycle

Dean and I ride with him in front (Captain) and me on the back (Stoker) but I realize that others may make different arrangements. This works for us.

1. Only one person can be the Captain at the time. The Stoker is equally important but the roles are not the same. Either person can fill either role by mutual agreement, but if the Stoker thinks the Captain is making a mistake she can't just spontaneously take over!

2. The Captain makes the final decision. The Captain has control of the steering and can see the road and the traffic and is therefore responsible for the direction of the couple. The Stoker can give advice, persuasion and back massages, but the final responsibility rests with the Captain.

3. The Stoker makes no mistakes. The Captain would do well to remember this, since it depends critically on Rule 2. The Stoker can't see the road or the traffic as well as the Captain and takes no responsibility for the final decision.

4. The Stoker has to trust the Captain and do what he says (see rule 2). If he says STOP! then the Stoker should do so. (Explanations may be necessary afterwards.) Trying to peer over his shoulder will only unbalance you both.

5. The Stoker should never say "I told you so". The Captain is doing his best, and if a decision turns out not perhaps as well as it might have done, be assured that he is aware of that without any need for a reminder.

6. The Stoker's contribution is unseen and perhaps seems unappreciated, but if she stops pedalling, both will slow down. You are in this together!

Listening to the Holy Spirit

Listening to the Holy Spirit takes several different skills. I think the first is being open to what He is trying to say. (I wonder if this is also the hardest part?) Then there is being intentional and setting aside time and mental space to listen. I think we are also expected to do some of our own 'legwork' and to be familiar with the instructions from God already given to us in the Bible and not keep asking for confirmation of what we already know we should do - I would call this a form of rebellion rather like a child whining "Do I really have to?".

Despite asking for guidance for the last few weeks, I still do not have a clear picture of where I am going. Is this because I am not listening right? Or is the Holy Spirit telling me to wait? Or is He speaking and I'm not hearing? Or am I blocking out what I am hearing?

Learning to listen - it is harder than it sounds!

Living with the sound off

I wonder what someone would think of my life if it could be reviewed with the sound off? What my actions alone would say about what I value and what I believe? If the words and sentiments and good intentions were removed, and what I actually do was the only standard by which I was judged, how would I do?

I suspect that someone looking at my life from the outside would have to say that I value work above everything else - I certainly spend the most time there.

It is an interesting thought - maybe I should live as if I were living with the sound off?

Real Live Preacher on modern culture

Oh Yes! The Real Live Preacher does it again! This is a blog and collection of essays I have been reading for a while now, but this TV show review just hit the spot! It is about a show in the US which has just aired, about a minister and his gay son, drug using daughter, mafia connections and gay bishop. Wow!

RLP cans the show pretty thoroughly, but not for the reasons you might expect. In the process he makes some very insightful comments about modern Christianity and modern culture which bear repeating (edited for lenth):

Good God, I'm a Baptist preacher and even I was shouting, "OK, he's gay. Leave him alone, you heartless bastards!"

And then, of course, there's Jesus, who drops in now and again to see how the reverend is handling things, and all he does is hand out Life Savers and say things like, "Life is hard, but that's why there's a nice reward at the end." That's no Jesus I ever heard of. Jesus was nice and all, but he was a straight-up ass kicker. Believe it.

Yo, brothers and sisters in Christ. They weren't making fun of you. It's much worse than that. The folks at NBC don't care about you enough to make fun of you. They want to make money, that's all. They're not hypocrites; they're capitalists.

Stop taking things so personally. You're giving the rest of us Christians a bad name. Learn to laugh at yourself, or do what I did. Just turn off your TV, look at the person next to you, and say, "Well, that sucked!"

But I think all the uproar from Christians is symptomatic of a more disturbing trend. More and more Christians seem to think that affirmation from our culture is where they will find their power. Since when do religions need affirmation from television stations? What we should be doing is practicing our devotion and letting our changed lives speak for themselves. And I've got news for you, Christian. If your faith isn't changing your life enough to make a difference in the world, you've got bigger problems than NBC.

Oh, there is something a little ironic that I want to mention. The first six chapters of the actual book of Daniel -- the one in the Bible -- are about a young man named Daniel and some of his friends who are trying to live out their faith in a very hostile foreign land. Trust me, the Babylonians were much worse than NBC. Daniel's solution was to doggedly worship God in their own way, and let their lives be a quiet and steady witness of their faith.

Their devotion produced a living and real goodness that even won the heart of the King in the end. And all of this happened because they were not foolish enough to try to change Babylon, but rather changed themselves.

This is great stuff - I wish I had written it! I so often think that being a Christian should be about changing myself and through that, changing the world by meeting people where they are. Not about criticizing the world for where it is.

Which of course leads me to wonder: could someone tell that I am Christian by looking at my life with the sound off?

No more Solace posts.

I have become aware that some Solace people have been reading here, so I am removing the Solace membership thread. They were mainly my thoughts written for me and it may not be appropriate for them to be so publicly available. I am happy to continue to discuss these issues in private emails, but I plan to spend most of my time concentrating on praying for our direction as a church rather than thinking and writing about it.

Spiritual Warfare

Interesting sermon yesterday on Spiritual Warfare. The pastor I have had mixed feelings about, but this one was right on target. He himself has a son with schizophrenia, so he was up-front about the difference between demon possession and mental illness - two things I think a lot of people confuse.

He also managed to avoid the trap of falling into sensationalism and graphic horror stories about demon possession - I think this is hardly helpful and much too likely to impress people with the power of demons. He emphasized that most Christian teaching should focus on Jesus - in Him we have our victory - and not on demon possession and its manifestations. We should look to the light to dispell the darkness, not study the darkness!

Having issued all these badly needed caveats, he then went on to say that Christians should be aware of the spiritual warfare going on around us, and should be clad in the whole armour of God. It never really struck me before that the armour of God has so many pieces and that we need them all: the helmet of salvation, breastplate of rightousness, shod in the gospel of peace, belted in truth and with the shield of faith to quench the fiery darts of the enemy.

Amen!

Reflecting on needlesticks

Needlestick injuries are a professional hazard for any doctor. Some are more at risk than others, but it can happen to anyone. A needlestick from a person with HIV or Hep C could change our lives forever. Would we want to have children? If so, how would go about it? Could we still work?

Before choosing to do medicine I never thought about this issue. The abstract thought that doctors work with sick people and could catch something is quite different from the reality of a life-threatening illness. I guess when I was high school I was vaguely thinking about getting a lot of colds and the occasional bout of gastro.

As a medical student, in particular after my own needlestick experience, this issue became more of a reality. The impact it has on your life to wait for blood tests (and I was lucky and got mine from a low-risk patient) and potential implications for the rest of my life became more obvious. I resolved to be more careful.

The advent of SARS brought the issue out in a new way. SARS was frightening because being careful didn't seem to be enough. Health care workers were being struck down despite precautions, and for the first time I wondered: should I say no? Should I refuse to risk myself to see these patients? Fortunately, the decision was never seriously asked of me. The SARS patients I was asked to see I judged to be low-risk, and in fact they didn't have it.

Yesterday I realized that no matter how careful, how the risks are reduced, living with potentially infectious illnesses is a lifestyle choice for a doctor. Did we all realize this when we chose medicine? Not at all. Does that absolve us of the responsibility of taking this risk? Not at all. Choosing to be a doctor means taking a small calculated risk. We know how to reduce risk, and how to protect ourselves. We know what the risks are and shouldn't let media "scare tactics" influence our practice.

Doctors (all health care workers really) are privileged to work in a field which gives us the chance to see people's lives changed, and to be a part of that. We get enormous satisfaction from being able to help people (along with all the other stuff that goes with the job). We are supported, trained and educated by infrastructure provided by society and (generally) are held in respect as one of the "learned professions". Sometimes people even say thank you.

I love being a doctor, and if that means living with a small risk of catching a fatal illness, even after my best efforts to protect myself, I have always been ready to take that risk. I guess I never previously thought about how it could impact my family; Dean and our marriage, my (potential) children. How would I feel if Dean was the one to contract a fatal illness? He is actually at higher professional risk than I am.

It doesn't change the basic equation - this is what it is to be a doctor. I know that, and I still choose my profession. The rewards are worth the risk.