God's generosity

God is pouring out generosity on me! Yesterday we had communion at Solace, and it was a typical Jude communion - forget the cracker and sip of juice - this was fruit, cake, cheese, biscuits, bread, tea, coffee and juice by the glass! To me, the variety, generosity and plenty of the blessings of God were demonstrated there on the communion table.

I remembered one of the telling differences I noticed between "normal" communion and Greek Orthodox communion. At the Orthodox church, everyone was welcomed: babies, children, teenagers, adults, the elderly, wheelchair-bound, demented and all with no questions asked. Those who couldn't chew the bread had it soaked in the wine and spooned into the mouth. Those who could take bread had our hands filled with as many pieces as we could hold. It was a time of generous and unconditional giving, as God's love should be.

The priest explained to me that the idea is for the first memory of church as being given and fed, and the last as well. That we come to be fed, both bodily and spiritually, and that meager feeding diminishes everyone and makes us stingy in return. I loved being given as much bread as I could manage - that really chewy and heavy sourdough bread they use. I wondered how surprised everyone else would be if I said "sorry I can't eat any more, but I had communion at church this morning!"

So that was the Sunday morning gathering, then we had lunch at my parents' house, which was, naturally, another food-filled event! In the evening I decided to go drop in on the local church in Clayton which I had been invited to, but had not yet seen.

I arrived at the advertised time for the evening service (6pm) to find the church dark and quiet. I was beginning to feel a bit discouraged and to think about leaving, when someone walked through the church foyer into the hall next door carrying something which looked promisingly like a musical instrument. I wondered if the location had been moved to the hall, and followed next door.

The hall had been set up as a dining hall, with a large table down the middle and the band setting up at one end. It turns out that it was their quarter-annual Fellowship Dinner, and I was welcomed to join them for more food! We had singing, prayer, fellowship and lots of Indian and Sri Lankan food (the majority of the congregation) with dessert and coffee and sweets. I was almost overwhelmed by the welcome and interest shown in me - this is obviously a congregation where everyone knows everyone and a new person is the subject of much discussion and welcome. Nearly everyone there made a point of speaking to me and asking me something and telling me something about themselves. I was invited to join groups mid-week and on weekends, a marriage course and a regular Bible study. The warmth of the welcome was even better than the food.

So this is the hospitality of God!

Thesis passed

The new university policy of get your results by SMS seems to be working. I got a message yesterday that my thesis passed! Unfortunately it didn't do as well as I had hoped, but realistically it was a bit of a last-minute rush job. It is a bit of a shame to ruin the series of HDs, but I suppose it was too much to hope to maintain the pace with everything else going on.

Now that is all over, the next step will be to send a copy of the academic transcript to the College, and get my letters (FRACP) to proclaim myself a fully qualified paediatrician! After only seven years, too.

The next thing after that will be to get a real job...

Am I a romance writer?

Last time I went to see Vicky, she recommended that I find some quiet, home-based hobbies so that when/if I ever end up getting pregnant I don't got stir crazy at home all the time! So, I have decided to try my hand at writing a book. I logged onto eHarlequin.com (The publishers of Mills & Boon) and downloaded their author guidelines.

I decided to write what I know, and have written a synopsis of a romance about a paediatric registrar and a surgical registrar (sound familiar?) set in a busy emergency department. There is a full cast of patients, families, students and nurses, and I hope there will be some exciting resuscitation scenes.

The funny thing is that the more I think about it, the more enthusiastic I am about writing it! I have so many ideas about how to "show not tell" which is the first rule of good writing, and I feel that at least I know the material and the setting well!

Now to actually write the thing...50,000 words coming right up!

Communion by any other name?

Yesterday Jude gave a very interesting talk about the different names for what we generally call communion and what those various names emphasize:

- the Lord's Supper because it is a remembrance of the cross which we do in obedience to His "do this in remembrance of me"
- communion because we gather together as a body of believers together and "commune" with each other and with God
- mass (which comes from the latin "missio") because we are equipped with the power of God to be sent out on our mission
- sacrament because it is a holy time by which we are sanctified
- eucharist (thanksgiving) for Jesus' sacrifice and grace

Interesting to see how each name emphasizes a different aspect of God's grace. Actually, I have never used it before, but I like the connotations of calling it mass, in the sense of this is the means by which we are filled and equipped to go out and do God's work in the world!

What's the difference?

I feel restless.

Something is telling me that my life is not quite "right", but I don't know in what way. I am frustrated with myself that I am not changing, improving. I ask myself: What difference does it make that I am a Christian? How would my life be different if I were not one?

- I would have Sunday mornings free
- I would say "no" more often without feeling guilty
- I wouldn't have a fish sticker on my car

Is that it?

I feel that I am no different for being a Christian than I was before, or than I would be otherwise, and yet I feel that there should be a difference.

Even if I wasn't a Christian, I don't think I would go around telling lies and being mean to people, getting drunk, breaking the law, dressing like a tart, talking back to my husband and parents. I probably would read my horoscope in the paper each day. But if being a Christian doesn't change me, doesn't change my behaviour, then what good is it? What use is it? What difference does it make?

Is it valid to say that I am a Christian, but all the differences are purely interal? That being a Christian is good for me (I feel that it is) but this makes no difference to those around me or to my outward behaviour, speech and actions? This sounds uncomfortably close to James' indictment of "faith without actions is dead".

I also don't buy the argument that all being a Christian means is getting into heaven - pie in the sky when we die. This is not what I feel should be right, not what I see and hear in those around me.

On being a patient

I am being a terrible patient, but in doing so I am experiencing and remember what it is to be a "bad" patient - I hope this will inform my future actions as a doctor!

First, I panicked and went through denial, grief and despair (this is all without waiting for any actual information - this is just on the report from the ultrasound technician).

Next, I did some avoiding and went shopping on eBay, didn't talk to anyone and generally tried to forget all about it. I think this phase lasted about 24 hours before I was even ready to look for more information - strange, since I always thought of myself as a logical and information-driven type of person!

It was not until a day and a half later that I felt able to even go looking for information. When I did, I searched the internet and found the expected hash of anecdotes and advertising. This is exactly the reason I don't encourage my patients to look on the internet, but I ended up doing it myself and frightening myself silly...

Then I went to the medical literature and had a look there, which confirmed my impression that not much research is done in this area. A lot of what goes on seems to be based on either a single study from 1993 (over ten years old) or on research done by those in the industry and therefore highly suspect.

I also went to my online friends for sympathy and reassurance - I didn't feel able to discuss this face to face with real live people without bursting into tears. It was in this that my true situation was brought to my attention. Again, this is strange because I would not necessarily have advised someone in my situation to seek our friends and go whinging to them, yet this is the one thing which really helped.

The ladies on CHFWeb reminded me of the good old-fashioned and true advice: count your blessings! You are only 32, still have a good run of child-bearing years in front of you, have only had one miscarriage (one lady there had four), a problem has been found and it is fixable! I should be gleeful and joyful and looking forward to having a minor day surgical procedure and then having as many children as I can handle!

The funny thing is that I do feel a lot better! Unexpected, under the circumstances. I think it was just the shock of having a diagnosis made and a problem identified. A useful experience for a doctor, I think.

Ultrasound results

I went for a pelvic ultrasound yesterday, as the start of infertility investigations. It is suddenly all strange to be a patient in a hospital rather than a professional. I went to a different place I have never been before and had to ask at the desk where to go, what papers I needed, where the bathrooms are. Suddenly everything takes on a huge significance, and I felt a strong need to do it all "right" and to be seen as a "good patient" and not be "difficult". Not sure where that came from, since I always encourage my patients to ask all the questions they need to.

The ultrasound itself was not as uncomfortable as I had expected - I guess that is the difference between a professional who does it all the time and getting another registrar to do a quick scan in a back room on a tea break. They even had a second screen set up so I could see what the technician was seeing, not that it helped since I am not very good at interpreting ultrasounds, but she explained what we were seeing as it went along.

She scanned my uterus, ovaries, pelvic floor, etc and told me all the measurements. Just like every other patient, I asked her: Is that normal? Is that OK? Does that mean I have follicles and eggs?

Halfway through examining my uterus she said "Oh, you have a very large septum here." I had to ask her what that meant, and after a long pause she just said "You had better get your doctor to explain it." Of course, I didn't wait for that but started worrying immediately! I suppose that up until now I was assuming all was normal and it was just taking time to get pregnant - no-one really expects to hear that something is actually wrong until it actually happens.

Like all good patients, I then went and looked up "septate uterus" on the internet using google, and found all sorts of horrifying procedures which can be done to correct this. Not relishing the idea of surgery, I went to the medical literature to search the evidence for the implications and consequences and therapies (if any) for this condition. I found some rather daunting statistics which suggest an over 90% miscarriage rate and managed to work myself into a great old state of panic.

What creates change?

This morning we had supervision for the family therapy team, and we discussed the question: what creates change?

This is a difficult question because so many families come to us, some change and some don't. Sometimes we think we are doing fantastic and therapeutic work and nothing happens. Sometimes we think we are doing nothing in particular and people get better anyway...

Is change to do with the therapy? The therapist? The "readiness" of the person? The therapeutic alliance? Something else?

The studies show that the person coming brings 40% of the change with them. The alliance/relationship between the therapist and client accounts for another 20% and the therapy being used about 10%, which leaves 30% still unaccounted for...

The other conversation we had was about how our own experiences of change impact on our professional model of change. Once again I was struck by how different people are in how they see the world, even among the therapy team. Vash talked about how the experience of difference changed her, John about how seeing the need for change in his life helped him make changes. Lisa said the most important factor for her was insight into how and why she acted as she does, in order to change it. Other factors mentioned were readiness, motivation and seeing the level of dysfunction/problem rising beyond what is acceptable - the "last straw" effect.

I guess we are all combinations of motivation, insight, experiences and needs, but there is something else as well. That indefinable spark of "free will" that lets us decide to change, or not...

God's hospitality

Yesterday we talked about the hospitality of God: that which God expects us to give to Him and to others, that which God invites us to enjoy.

One point which was new to me, was that God can receive from us. Strangely, I had never considered this much before. God made everything, owns everything, and if there were anything He wanted which He didn't have easily to hand, surely He could just make it? For Him, to imagine could be to have, instantly.

Yet, in the Bible we hear of God entering into covenants with people, talking and bargaining with people, promising to do things for people and asking for things in return: worship, obedience, building an ark (and another ark) and a tent, and a building. I knew all this, yet never thought of God wanting anything - I guess I just assumed that all this was just to exercise our obedience muscles, or as a test.

It is also a rather strange thought that anything we can offer could be acceptable to God. He could immediately have the best of all possible foods, materials, incense or buildings, if He should decide He wanted such things. Reminds me a bit of my grandmother going to a restaurant and saying "I could make this better at home for half the price!"

But God accepts our offerings when we give them - He accepted hospitality from Lot, from Abraham, from Mary. He accepts our offerings to do His work, given through the church and other groups. He allows us to participate in the running of the world through prayer - even allows us to talk directly to Him in whatever ways we need to. I think sometimes I talk more respectfully to my boss here on earth than to my God. Hmmm.

God accepts what I offer, so surely everything I offer should be of the very best? Yet, He also says that everything I do should be as if it were done for Him. So, I should give my best all the time, and not keep it just for offerings to God. Now that's generosity on God's part - to ask for my best, only to give it back again to the world!