It's a girl!

We started off the morning bright and early with an argument about breakfast at 6am. The nurses were telling me that I couldn't have breakfast because I was going for a C-section. I told them that I needed to have breakfast because I was going to be induced and to have a normal labour and delivery and not a C-section. Eventually I got tea and toast - a reasonable compromise, but I hope Dean brings me some snacks for later.

I got my IV and we started the induction about 8am, starting at 15mls/hr. By midday, I was up to 100mls/hr and still not having regular contractions. People started saying that maybe it was too early, that my body wasn't ready for labour and that maybe I should start thinking about a C-section. No way did I want a section! A small baby at normal delivery is easy on the body, but you don't get any discount on the recovery time from a section. I reminded myself to just keep breathing and keep being positive and to take one thing at a time.

I discovered the hard way the need to keep my focus. Dean was great with helping me breathe through each contraction and I thought we were doing well. My mum and Dean's mum were both visiting in the delivery room, mainly talking to each other which was fine with me. (Dean's dad also came into the room - does that seem weird to anyone else?) Then I realized that Marion was telling my mum about the mess she cleaned out of our house while I was in hospital. Complete with commentary about "how could they do this" etc. This was one of the known dangers of letting her unpack for us, but from my hospital bed I didn't see any realistic alternatives. Dean realized at the same time what was going on, and tried to talk her out of her line of conversation, but Marion is nothing if not persistent. I tried not to argue with her, or make any smart comments and Dean was about to leave me and go to tell her more firmly to desist, when a contraction hit us unprepared.

The pain was very intense, and I could feel myself losing control, and Dean was talking to his mother - and then I lost my focus and melted down completely. Instead of being a marathon swimmer pacing myself across the ocean, I became tossed on the waves without bearings, without a destination and without hope. The pain and fear amplified one another and both seemed to go on without hope of escape. Dean was fantastic - he kicked everyone out of the room post-haste and returned to help me regain my focus and control. Once I was back together, the contractions were once again intense, but not unbearable. The fear-tension-pain syndrome is thus totally confirmed!

Dr Regan came back to check my progress at 5pm, and found that I was only 2cm dilated. I was disappointed - all that work for a lousy 2cm, with 8cm still to go? He wondered again about giving up the idea of a normal delivery and going for a C-section, but agreed to let me go a little longer and see what I could do. The IV was by now up to 180mls/hr, which is the theoretical maximum. If I couldn't do it on this dose, then it would have to be a section. I just kept breathing, kept focusing on doing my part - I'm young and healthy and there's no reason why my body shouldn't be able to do this. The baby was doing fine on the monitor, so there's no problem there, and no reason to stop on that account.

I should mention the monitor game: apparently if the baby's heartbeat on the monitor sounds like a horse galloping then the baby will be a girl, but if it sounds like a steam train then it will be a boy. Dean thought it sounded like a horse, as did my mother. Marion and I thought it sounded like a train. Actually, I thought it sounded like whatever you wanted it to sound like, but I had always thought we were having a boy because of my cravings for salty foods and pickles.

Anyway, at 8pm the midwife examined me again - still at 2cm! For the first time I started to worry that maybe we were not going to be able to do this after all. She rang the doctor, and he said he would come back in and see. If I wasn't able to do any better by the time he arrived at 10pm, then it really would be time to go upstairs to theatre.

I realized this was the last chance - now is the time to do it or not at all. The contractions were getting very intense by now, and I had considered asking for some pain relief, but then I realized that any kind of pain relief such as pethidine or an epidural would slow down the labour - something I was not prepared to risk at this point. So we continued with the nitrous gas and the breathing exercises. I reminded myself that this must be one of the most prayed-for babies on the world, what with the whole of CHFWeb and Solace praying for us both. If anything could do it, my world-wide prayer chain would! New Age types talk about "breathing the baby down" but this was very definitely "praying the baby down"!

At 10pm Dr Regan came back for the last examination, one way or another. By then I was at 5cm - success! I had shown sufficient progress that we would be allowed to continue to a normal delivery. Dr Regan also reassured me that the first 5cm is always harder than the second 5cm. This turned out to be true - it felt to me like about ten minutes later that I had the urge to push.

This last part is all a little blurry. There are large sections of time that I just don't remember - probably all for the best really. I don't know if this is a result of my internal focus, or the gas I was breathing. Nitrous is good stuff - I've never been a fan before, but I am now! There was also quite a bit going on around me that I didn't hear or notice. I was completely taken up with the quite indescribable sensation of the baby moving down inside me.

It felt to me like three pushes later Evie was born! I couldn't believe it all happened so quickly! she was lifted up onto my chest, and I saw for myself that she was a gorgeous little girl! Apprently after that there were some inconsequential injections, stitches for me internally, and other things which were not even noticeable beside the wonder of our little daughter. I put her to the breast immediately, and she was alert and awake and bit hard! She hurt more than the stitches! But I loved her immediately, overwhelmingly, and she is everything I had been waiting for and worth all the pain and worry it took for her to get here.

November 30th, 2007, 11:16pm Evie was born and our lives will never be the same.

Last day before becoming a mother...

I have now been sitting in hospital for a week without going into spontaneous labour - looks like I am one of that 20% minority. It has been a difficult time - sitting around worrying mostly. There has been so much that I feel I should have done before the baby comes, yet I am stuck in hospital and can't do any of it. Not to mention the worries about having a prem baby, and worries about the labour.

Still, I am learning once again to count my blessings. There are four of us in this room who have not had our babies yet. Opposite me is a girl who came in with a bleed after a fall. She cried all night with fear for what this might mean for her child. Next to her is another woman with a bleed at 30 weeks. she will be in hospital until she has her baby, which means right through Christmas and New Year, unless of course she has a big bleed and ends up with a C-section. Next to me was a woman with ruptured membranes at 28 weeks who went into labour at 32 weeks and had to be sectioned. Then there's me with ruptured membranes at 34 weeks, now up to 35 weeks with a healthy baby and due for induction tomorrow, with every chance of having a normal delivery - I'm definitely the lucky one!

One of the other benefits of this "spare" time before the baby is born, is that Dean and I have had a chance to work on our birthing techniques. The antenatal class involved lessons on breathing, positive thinking, coping with stress and focusing. There is also a really good sheet of positive affirmations for mother and baby. Like any other skill, NLP takes practice, which this week has given us - some of it has been a really special time with just the two of us concentrating on our soon-to-be-born baby.

With the induction tomorrow, I got day leave today to go and enjoy my last day of freedom before becoming repsonsible for another little person. I indulged in one of my little luxuries - I went for a pedicure. I can do it myself, but with the big tummy, why stress myself out? Then we went to lunch for Elina's birthday at Jaques Raymond, which was very fancy. I guess this might be the last long and leisurely adult lunch with wine and conversation for a while!

It is funny to think about all the things I will be giving up for a while - movies, late nights out, restaurants without kids, etc. Then I think that I've had a long time to enjoy those thngs already. I'm ready to give those up and to enjoy being a mother and having a baby. This baby has been a long time coming, and I can't wait to meet our baby tomorrow!

Nov 23 - waters broke! (Week 34)

Today I had planned to have a lazy afternoon, put my feet up, maybe write my birth plan. Then I decided that it was too hot, that I still have at least four weeks (probably more as first babies are often late) and that the birth plan could wait while I watched TV. I have all those episodes of "House" to get through. Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men, and as it turns out, of pregnant women...

At about 6pm I was sitting on the couch watching "House" when I felt a tiny bit wet. I had heard that pregnant women sometimes suffer from a bit of incontinence, and though I never had, there's a first time for everything. I stood up to go to the bathroom - and what felt like a litre of fluid gushed out of me and all over the floor! For a minute, I didn't know what was happening, and even when I did, I think I was in denial. I'm a paediatrician, so I look after other people's premature babies - I don't have them myself!

When I pulled myself together (and changed my clothes) I rang Dean, who was luckily already on his way home. I realized that this Friday was the first day of the Great Victorian Bike Ride, and if Dean had gone (as I gave him permission to do) he would have been on his bike halfway to Wilson's Prom by this time!

By the time Dean got home I had finished cleaning up the floor and watching my episode of "House". I can only explain this behaviour by saying that I must have been still in shock. I didn't call the doctor, or the hospital. I didn't pack a bag for the hospital - I mopped the floor?!

Anyway, when Dean arrived he took charge. He called the doctor and the hospital and arranged for us to go straight in. He got my bag for labour and a change of clothes for both of us, toiletries and a book. He also put a towel in his car (amniotic fluid rots car upholstery, apparently) and took me in.

Once we got to the hospital, I was put on a monitor which showed that I was in early labour, but the baby was fine. I was given steroids, antibiotics and medicine to stop the labour. The I was told to just sit in hospital and relax! Apparently 80% of women will go into labour on their own after ROM (rupture of membranes) but giving the baby an extra 24 hours for the steroids to mature the lungs will make it better for all of us.

So I guess I'll just sit here then? Yep... Just sitting...

Pregnancy Week 34

Today we had our repeat ultrasound to check the placenta - all is well, it has moved up nicely and I am all set for a normal delivery whenever that should occur. I was a bit worried it might be too low, and I would have to have a C-section, but that is thankfully not a problem now.

Last week we also had our first antenatal class. The woman doing it is a bit more "all natural" than I expected, and I don't think we are going to feel comfortable having her as a doula after all. Still, a lot of useful information and some good ideas there. I was particularly pleased that Dean seems to have changed his mind about the whole giving birth thing, and has stopped saying "why don't you just have a C-section". Now he is on board with the whole idea of "birth as an extreme sport"! He is preparing a bag for me with power drinks, energy intense snacks and some kind of weird gel that you eat - we saw it on the Tour de France.

Actually, I think the idea of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is very valid. This is a modern psychological form of "mind over matter" - how you think and speak affects your experience. So the idea with birth in particular is to think and speak positively about it, to experience "pressure" and "contractions" in a positive and progressive way (as opposed to pain to be obliterated with drugs).

Not that I'm particularly aiming for a "drug-free" birth! I think modern medicine is a wonderful thing, and I'm very glad that if a C-section becomes necessary, that I'm booked into a place with all the bells and whistles! But it is also true that women have been birthing babies for a long time without any of that. I'm (relatively) young and healthy, and as fit as I have ever been, so there's no reason at all for me not to have a normal birth. That's what I'm thinking of and preparing for...

Pregnancy week 33

It is funny being this pregnant - I feel huge and ungainly, but apparently I don't look all that different to other people. I guess all the extra 14 kilos must have gone straight to my ankles! Usually, I can tell how big a space I need to fit through, but now I find myself accidentally brushing against things because the tummy is about 10cm further out than I expect!

Repeat ultrasound next week, so we get to see the baby again! Although I don't really need to - the baby moves around a lot now, so I can feel it as a separate person. The baby has distinct likes and dislikes - it moves a lot when I have a cold drink or there is a lot of noise. Someone was testing the emergency evacuation siren at the hospital the other day, and the poor thing seemed to get quite frightened! I had to get up and walk around to soothe it back to sleep - poor little baby!

Pregnancy Week 32

Antenatal classes started this week - very interesting! It is a totally different emphasis when we are preparing for a normal birth, as compared with studying obstetrics where the emphasis is always on the five or so per cent where things don't go as planned.

Actually, I have a lot more anxiety about the birth than I had previously realized. One of the relaxation exercises is to monitor your breathing, and everytime someone said "birth" I found myself hyperventilating! I have to keep reminding myself that the births I attend professionally are a highly selected group - the normal births don't need a paediatrician in attendance so I don't get to see them!

Positive thinking and preparation I think will be the keys. Fortunately, Dean is now fully behind the idea of acting as a support person for labour, and has stopped saying "Why don't you just have a C-section..." I still haven't decided if we should invite anyone else into the labour room. I would like to have another person but can't think of anyone suitable (ie that I would be prepared to see me pushing out a baby!)

One thing I have observed about the antenatal classes, which I think is potentially a problem, is that everyone takes it for granted that their baby will be normal. Once this is assumed, everyone is free to concentrate on the "experience" of birth and thinking about peripheral concerns such as the (small) risks associated with an epidural or episiotomy. Of course, this is fine as long as everything does go well, but as soon as there are any problems people don't seem to understand that the "birth plan" and the "experience" go out the window in favour of safety for child and mother. I think people sometimes get so fixated on their "experience" and "preferences" that they forget the ultimate aim of labour is to have a healthy baby!

What is faith like?

Theology classes are continuing, and one of the people in my class the other day was musing that his faith is like a glass house, and studying the Bible and theology was like throwing stones at his faith house, so that now he was losing his certainty and didn't know what to believe anymore.

I must say that I was somewhat taken aback. Certainly Bible college is challenging, much of what we are learning I am finding unexpected, but hardly faith-destroying. I couldn't help thinking that a "glass house" is not how I care to think about my faith. It implies something fragile, brittle, to be protected and not challenged. Something where one crack might cause the whole edifice to come crashing down. Someone else described faith as a house of cards - a similar simile with the same drawbacks.

I prefer to think of faith as a rose bush. It goes through seasons of dryness, seasons of flowering, seasons when pruning is needed to make it more productive. If it ever stops growing, it dies. The longer it lives, the bigger and more productive it becomes. Obviously we are not talking here about a rose bush under my care (which would have a very short life) but a metaphorical rose bush, cared for by God, which is watered, pruned and challenged as needed to make it grow.

I would like to think that my faith is like that.

Pregnancy Week 24

Finally, I am getting to the "happy" part of being pregnant! The sickness is almost gone, I feel more energetic and am only sleeping 9-10 hours a night. Of course, this has all happened just as I cut down my hours at work! I've been suffering through tiredness, nausea and full-time work for months, and now that I finally reduce my hours I could probably cope with more work.

Ah well, I guess this means I get to spend more time on myself and the baby! My doctor has been telling me I need to exercise more, and I haven't yet got a pram, cot, baby seat, high chair or anything.

I still don't feel that I look "properly pregnant". I can feel the baby moving a lot now, though. It seems to like kicking me in the appendix! Last night for the first time the baby's movements were visible as I was sitting on the couch! There really is someone in there! And they seem to like swimming...

Pregnancy Week 22

I feel the baby moving all the time now, and Dean has felt it even through my skin as well! There is definitely someone else in there! I'm getting a proper "baby bump" at last, so people can tell that I am pregnant and not think that I just never had a waist at all...

I've been shopping for maternity clothes, as none of my regular pants fit my non-existant waist any more. I used to think that shopping for bathers was "feeling like a beached whale" time, but this is much worse! Everything makes me look like I'm at least 10 months pregnant, and overweight for that. It's like everything is designed to make you feel as ugly and clumsy and fat as possible.

My other gripe is that nothing is fitted properly. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean that I have gained an extra 10cm of height. I might need more room in the tummy, but I don't need more length in the legs! I also don't plan to put on weight in my knees, so the pants don't need to be big around there as well!

I think I'm going to be living in stretch clothing for the duration, and avoiding mirrors.

Pregnancy Week 20

I'm definitely feeling the baby move around a lot. It seems to move mostly when I sit or lie down, and settle to sleep when I walk around. I guess this is why babies like to be carried around by their parents walking to go to sleep once they are born!

Apparently the baby can hear now, so I should start listening to classical music...

Pregnancy Week 19

Well, this has been a big week! I thought I felt the first few flutters of the baby moving! It is a bit hard to tell, because I have so many strange pains and stretching feelings down there, but these little hints don't seem to be coming from me.

Also, we had our second ultrasound, and saw the baby again in amazing detail! We could see the baby sucking its thumb, waving its arms around, sleeping, smiling... It actually seems like there is a little person in there - separate from me just "being pregnant" if you know what I mean.

Pregnancy weeks 14-17

Everything continues pretty much the same - still sick, still tired. There is one new feature this last week - my gums have started bleeding when I brush my teeth.

It's official: I don't like being pregnant.

I tried to like it, I really did. I wanted to be excited and "glowing" and all the other things expectant mothers are supposed to feel. What I really feel is sick, tired and that despite all the extra effort I am putting in, that I am still functioning at somewhat less that my usual efficacy.

Oh, and my car broke down last week. I'm hoping this is the storm before the calm...

Pregnancy week 13

Today I met our obstetrician who is surprisingly short, but is very well spoken and sympathetic, and has very small hands, which I think must be an advantage in his profession. He listened and suggested ideas with exactly the right manner; not too condescendingly simplified, but without assuming too much either.

The other big landmark of the day was that I had breakfast! This is the first breakfast I have been able to "keep" for the last two months! Maybe this is it - the beginning of the end of the nausea! Yay! (And not before time either, since I have to work this weekend.)

Pregnancy week 12

We had our ultrasound today! It was so exciting, and somehow made it seem more "real" to see the baby right there on the screen. It moved in response to the pressure of the probe on my abdomen, curling up its legs and turning over. It would be lovely to be able to name the baby, but of course we still don't know what kind of name (boy or girl) and I don't think we want to know.

I wonder a bit about the 20 week ultrasound, because since Dean and I can both read ultrasounds it means we shouldn't look at all if we really want to keep the sex of the baby a surprise. Although having seen this quick ultrasound I would love to have another look!

It's funny that all the breast soreness and vomiting hasn't made it as "real" a ten minute image on the screen. I can sympathize with Tom Cruise buying his own ultrasound machine so he could look at his baby a bit more.

Also, I was very pleased to have my dates confirmed exactly on the ultrasound. I knew I got it right! On the other hand, this also confirms our due date for Jan 1st. The way I feel at the moment I want to stop work straight away! I can't imagine working through until November or December! Ugh! I hope the nausea stops soon.

Munich, Neuschwanstein and Dachau

I wish Helen had decided to come with us for a weekend in Munich - I hadn't realized how much we had been relying on her to talk for us in restaurants! We arrived in Munich and discovered that we couldn't even say "a table for two, please". Not a brilliant effort for two supposedly cosmopolitan and well-travelled people. I can always say I feel too sick to concentrate, but I don't know what Dean's excuse is.

We have walked though Munich, seen the clockwork on the tower, visited the palace, marketplace and the cathedral and decided not to do a Hitler tour. Apparently Munich is where he got started, so there are lots of walking tours around which point out the highlights of Hitler's career. We did go to the Hofbrauhaus and Dean had a litre of beer, which is the smallest glass they serve it in! The serving people really do carry 8 litres at a time - 4 glasses in each hand.

We took one day to visit Neuschwanstein (New Swan Castle) which was built by Mad King Ludwig and, exactly as advertised, has swans all through it in the architecture. Every room has a theme - one of Wagner's operas. If you knew them all, you could read all the stories around every room. From the ouside, the castle is the true fantasy castle as popularized by Walt Disney as the "Sleeping Beauty" castle. It also has the perfect setting, being built on top of a mountain, near a lake (Swan Lake, of course) and also near a tiny metal bridge over a waterfall. Since the building is less than 100 years old, it also has all the modern conveniences of electricity and plumbing, so maybe Ludwig wasn't that mad after all.

For a complete change of pace, the next day we went to Dachau, which was the original concentration camp of the Nazi regime where all the future guards and leaders of the other concentration camps were trained. Some of the stories from there were bizarre and all were chilling. I find it difficult to understand how people could do all that to other people. The medical experiments alone were sickening, let alone the actual torture inflicted. The strange part is that none of it seemed to have any point. Most of the work was make-work, like digging holes and then filling them in again, or doing star-jumps in a winter coat in the middle of summer. Pointless. Apparently because of the risk of sabotage very little real work was entrusted to the inmates.

At the end of the war, the government was keen to plough Dachau into the ground and try to forget that it ever happened, but there were some survivors who insisted on setting up a memorial there. Interestingly, the memorials very much reflect the politics of what was going on at the time. The memorials set up in the 60's don't commemorate the gypsies, homeless or homosexuals, as there were still considered "undesirables" by the government at the time. Reminds me of Animal Farm, where all are equal, but some are more equal than others...

Stuttgart

We have spent the last week in Stuttgart with Helen and Sam. I think this baby is German! It loves sausage and sauerkraut and pretzels! The Germans certainly know how to make sausage and pretzels, so we are in the right place for it. The beer is apparently very good too, but I'm not letting the baby try beer just yet.

Helen's German is getting very good, and she has been showing us around and ordering in restaurants and finding me bathrooms and explaining to other concerned women that the food is really very good here...

Sam has applied for another year's scholarship in Germany, and I hope for his sake that it goes through and that he can continue his work here. But I hope for Helen's sake that it doesn't go through and that they can come home soon, and for my sake that Helen will be around when I finally have this baby!

Stuttgart itself is a traditional little Schwebian town. That is the name of this regional part of Germany. They have traditional Schwebian foods which are heavily Italian influenced, such as sausage meat wrapped in pasta rather like a large ravioli. They also have a rather unimpressive thing which is like macaroni and cheese which they serve with onion and (of course) sauerkraut. Potato salad is also astonishingly popular and appears beside just about every dish. Pretzels are used instead of bread, and come to the table as soon as you sit down.

My main nutrition at the moment comes from this amazing drink called Apfelschorle which is nothing more than half apple juice and half mineral or soda water. Sounds simple, but the baby loves it, so it is one of the few things I can tolerate - and I'm drinking it by the litre. Interestingly, Germany is very big on recycling, so we save all the bottles and get 30 cents back for each one returned! You really could make a living here collecting bottles, especially around the airport and other tourist places where the foreigners don't know how it works.

The Germans are very compliant with rules, though. I don't know if all the recycling bins would be respected if you tried the same thing in Melbourne. I don't know that people would take the time to work out which of the four bins each item of rubbish needs to go into and to separate them all out. Even inside McDonald's they have a person employed just to go through all the trays and separate out the different types of rubbish - now that would be a fun job!

London

We are on holidays in London, so I get to vomit in a new environment. The plane trip was awful - I think the jet lag makes the nausea much worse, but it could just be the motion and the tiredness. Unfortunately I had one of my worst episodes right in front of Tereza on the first day we met her for an outing. Luckily she was sympathetic, having been through it twice herself already.

So we are taking it easy, and not doing as much rushing around sightseeing as I had thought. We have walked around London, caught the underground, seen the "Eye" and the Tate Modern Art Gallery, and caught a couple of shows on the West End.

Most evenings we spend with Andrei and Tereza and their boys Antony and Luke. It is lovely to see normal, healthy children for a change!

Pregnancy Week 8

I'm still feeling sick most of the time, but so far (knock wood) haven't had any really embarrassing episodes. Even the three at work occurred when no-one was watching. But I have discovered a legitimate use for "second breakfast"!

Actually, it is the feeling tired which is more troublesome even than the nausea. I seem to be sleeping 10 or 12 hours a day, and still want naps in the afternoon. Usually I would just push through and keep doing whatever I have to be doing, but now I feel so tired and overwhelmed that I just stop and go lie down on the couch. Very strange.

Even when I do get to sleep, I am having lots of very vivid dreams. The content is not particularly disturbing, most are about getting up and going to work, but it means that my sleep is much less restful than it would otherwise be.

The cravings have started too. I used to think this would be kind of fun - an excuse to eat a whole tub of ice-cream or something. Sadly, it is not like that at all. It feels more like have a full meal and feeling a bit sick besides, and then having someone standing at your shoulder saying "Now you have to have an apple as well!"

I can't believe this is only the beginning of seven more months of not having my body to myself. I'm already thinking I would have to be crazy to do all this again, and I haven't even been through labour yet! Maybe there is an advantage to having twins after all...

Changing perspectives...

When I used to look at parents with their kids, it was always very clear to me that the kids were their own little people - they have their own opinions, ideas, wants, likes and dislikes. I always found it rather strange that parents had such fixed ideas of what they wanted their children to be like. It seemed to me odd to be looking for them to like the same football teams, music, sports, books, etc.

Now I have a child of my own on the way, I find myself thinking "I hope she will like bike riding, then we can all ride as a family" or "I hope she likes being read to, and likes the Narnia books" and "I hope he doesn't expect me to watch him play football every Saturday". Of course I would, but I can't imagine enjoying it. Now it seems to me quite natural for a parent to want a child to like and enjoy the same things the parents like and enjoy. Strange how our point of view is always a view from a particular point!

OK - I'm happy now...

I'm happy now - this morning I could hardly get out of bed because of overwhelming waves of nausea. Now I have experienced morning sickness (which was more like all-bloody-day-sickness) I am satisfied that I really am pregnant.

I'm happy - the sickness can stop any time now.

Really, I'm convinced, and now, well, I feel sick....

I'm officially an FRACP!

Today I had the college ceremony which officially makes me a Fellow of the Royal Australasian College of Physicians. It was all very ceremonious, with gowns and hoods and an official photographer and speeches and little snacks afterwards. It is rather nice to have a testamur at last - now I just need an office to hang it in! It is a bit strange though, since the reality of consultant work started a good three months ago. The official seal of approval was a bit of an anticlimax, really.

One funny thing though - these portraits will be our first official "family" photos! You can't see the baby, but s/he's there all the same...

Matter over mind...

It has finally happened - the triumph of biology over intellect. I have an essay on Deuteronomy due in about three weeks, and I have written 100 of 3,000 words. But I had to go have a nap! I am just so tired all the time, and not sleeping well. I can't imagine what it will be like after the baby is actually born, and sleep deprivation sets in for real!

We have a mezuzah!

I've been thinking for a while now of getting a mezuzah. I'm not sure why - maybe it is all the Old Testament studies getting to my brain, or maybe it is my new freedom to be eclectic in action. I don't think it is anything to do with being pregnant.

Anyway, I went down the street with all the mezuzahs, and I've never seen so much "Judaica" in once place. I guess I've never had a reason to look before, and previously I didn't even know it is called "Judaica".

So I went through four or five shops in a row, before deciding that I have probably seen all the possible variations on a theme. There were:
- tiny mezuzahs for the car
- wooden mezuzahs
- silver mezuzahs
- mezuzahs with scenes painted on them from "Fiddler on the Roof"
- plasticene mezuzahs for children's bedrooms
- clear plastic mezuzahs so you can see the scroll inside
- giant mezuzahs for synagogues (I assume)

Anyway, I found a small house-sized one with the Ten Commandments on it! This seems to me appropriate, as the Decalogue is something I really can claim as part of my tradition. It would seem a little strange to have Hebrew written on my door when I don't even read it. It seems to be common enough not to read Hebrew - no-one in the shops even looked surprised when I asked for translations of what is written on the outside of the cases.

In one place I was labelled as a "non-serious" mezuzah buyer - the man in the shop said you get the case for free when you buy the scroll. I asked if he had any more decorative cases (he only had the clear plastic ones) and he kind of sniffed and acted like I was more concerned with appearances than with the scroll inside - which is true, in a way.

So in our family mezuzah (the word just means "door post") has inside it a scroll which I typed with four Bible verses on it. The two traditional ones from Deuteronomy:

Deut 6:4-9 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 11:18-21 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.

I also wanted two other ones from the Psalms which seemed appropriate:

Psalm 139:1-3, 8-10 You have searched me, LORD,and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn,if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

Psalm 121:8 The LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Amen! So there we have it - our family mezuzah. I must say that Dean has been very understanding about all of this. Not every atheist husband would help his non-Jewish wife put up the family mezuzah!

Still feeling too well...

I still feel too well - maybe I won't really believe in this pregnancy until I start to feel sick. The symptoms I do have:

- sore breasts
- feeling thirsty all the time
- having to wee all the time
- lots of strange dreams of no particular theme
- having to sleep about ten hours a night
- having cravings for raw oysters, wine, pate and soft serve ice-cream. Not all at once. I don't usually eat these things, but I think psychological effect of knowing I can't have them makes me want them! Runny eggs are a totally different problem - I usually have them every day and I don't know how I can survive eight months without them!

On the bright side, Mel tells me that women who eat chocolate in pregnancy have more settled babies. I can see that. If I had no chocolate for eight months I wouldn't be very settled, so neither would the baby!

My weight is stable, and my gym instructor says I can continue with my current program as long as I watch my back. When I'm ready he says I'll need to switch to something less intense but for now I'm fine.

I've got a secret...

It is very strange being pregnant and not able to tell anyone. After last time I've learned my lesson, and I'm just telling immediate family and special friends like Mel, Olivia and Barb. And of course all the world who chooses to read my online posts, but that's not the same!

Actually it is nice to be able to go onto CHFWeb and talk about it as much as I like, since I can't talk about it much otherwise. It's weird, I get the urge to go into shops and just tell people at random "Oh, I can't eat that - pregnant you know".

I've also done some rapid calculations and found out that the baby is due on Jan 1st! Happy New Year! But if it comes early, it could still be born on Christmas Day. Special present!

This also means that I would be 36 weeks pregnant for the Great Victorian Bike Ride - probably not the best idea for camping and bike riding.

I will be 12 weeks pregnant and probably vomiting the entire time we are in Germany.

I will never be a bikini model or stick insect and wear fashionable clothes again. I will never fit into the kind of dresses I always told myself that with diet and exercise I might one day wear. It is weird, I never wanted to dress like that when I was young enough to, but now that I know I never will it is still like grieving something I have lost, even though I know intellectually I never would have...

Maybe I'm too selfish to be a parent - all I can think about is how this is going to change my life forever.

We're having a baby!

We are finally having a baby! (So the surgery and even the uneven scar were all worth it after all!)

I waited a week to be sure, and then a few more days. It seems kind of silly, but I wanted to tell my mum first, so I waited to be sure she was home from Italy before doing the test. So first thing on Sunday morning (8:30am) I did a test and Dean and I watched it turn positive together! I was amazed that he had even worked out the due date for if we were pregnant this month - I don't know how he did it! I know I just did it on a "wheel" which we have for this at work, but he worked it out manually - isn't that sweet?

So I rang my mum and told her, and she said "Now Dean will have to wrap you in bubble bath!" There was a moment of confusion until she clarified - it was bubble wrap she had in mind.

Dean's mum, typically enough, said "What took you so long?" and thinks that I should have a boy. I told her it wasn't up to me. (But in my heart of hearts I hope we have a girl.)

I feel so well, it seems almost unreal. I don't feel sick, although I am tired, and hungry all the time. Not to mention having to wee all the time... But I don't feel sick. This does worry me a bit, because last time I didn't feel sick either, and they do say that morning sickness means a good healthy pregnancy taking hold. I guess I want the best of both worlds - just enough sickness so that I know it is real, but not enough to stop me doing what I want to do!

Easter!

This year Orthodox and heterodox (that's the rest of us) have Easter on the same weekend, unfortunately. These "overlap" years are the most stressful and I always feel like a headless chook, running around from one thing to the next.

Since I have been going to the Antiochian Orthodox church, I decided to go to their Easter services. Since I am not becoming Orthodox, this is probably my only chance to hear it all in English. Actually it was lovely, if very long.

My favourite part is the lighting of the candles at "the light of the world has come back into the world" at midnight on Saturday. There were other interesting parts too, when everyone leaves the church and has to knock to come back in. The person inside asks three times "Who is the King of the World?" and the priest and congregation affirm three times that it is Jesus Christ, the Risen Lord, before we are all allowed into the church again.

After the Saturday night service there was lots of food, including Easter Eggs! I wasn't the only one hanging out for some chocolate. It was all very symbolic, picturesque and moving, probably all the more so since I know now that I will not be joining.

Stitches out and results day

Tonight I went back to Peter to have my stitches out and get the results of the laparoscopy. Dean couldn't come at the last minute, but rang to tell me at 7pm that he wasn't going to make the 7pm appointment. Somehow this annoyed me more than if he never called at all. Still, realistically speaking I was never going to be happy if he couldn't make it. I still think it sucks to be the girl.

Peter pulled the stitches out, which hurt a lot too. I must be a complete softy - all these procedures I do daily and tell people "just a little sting, hold still now", but when they happen to me they really hurt! To add insult to injury - he didn't even sew me up straight! The scar is shelved on one side and not even symmetrical. I could have done a better job myself, let alone if Dean had done it. This had all better be worth it.

The results were three photos taken through the scope. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder - Peter said they were lovely and normal, but they look like someone's insides to me. I was still too annoyed with Dean to want to show him the pictures, but I did anyway, and he agreed that they looked completely normal.

Three more cycles of Clomid and we'll see. If this doesn't work, then we really are looking at complete IVF, which I always said I didn't want to do. Ah well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

Being a patient again...

Yesterday I went for surgery - the surgery I never wanted to have and hoped never to need. I really hate being a patient, and knowing that I am "sick" (or at least not as well as I think I should be) and having to have something done by other people. I just want to be normal and healthy and not to have to deal with all this.

Anyway, I went to work in the morning as usual, and that was fine. I guess it was good for me to have something to do rather than just sit around trying not to think about how much I want a cup of tea and can't have one.

I was admitted at midday, and then spent the next three hours sitting around in a patient gown waiting for my turn. Dean came with me right down to the operating theatre. The anaesthetist put in the IV (I didn't realize it hurt so much!) and then told me to keep my eyes open as long as I could. I remember staring at the overhead lights and then they went wavery around the edges...

I woke up to hear a nurse saying "She's still very groggy" and I thought "Damn straight" and went back to sleep.

I woke up again back on the ward, with my left arm all in pins and needles from having been leaned on while I was asleep. It made me realize how a GA is different from normal sleep. Usually I wake up and change position before my ulnar nerve gets pinched too badly - this happens to me on and off - but this was numbness worse than I have ever had before.

I was nauseated but not in pain, and the nurse gave me a third medication to take the edge off - ondansetron! This is the stuff I used to prescribe for cancer patients having chemotherapy - I guess that's the nice thing about being a private patient! Now I now why they all like it so much!

I finally convinced the nurse I could go home, by eating two triangles of sandwich and gritting my teeth and smiling. On getting home last night, of course I was terribly sick again - I'm just surprised I survived the car trip!

Still, today I feel better, although a little sore still. Now I just have to cross my fingers and hope it all works! I don't get the results until next week.

Orthodoxy Conclusion...

I had a long chat with Barb today, and talking really does help me to process my thoughts. It was only while talking to her that I realized that I have already decided not to become Orthodox. I don't think I can explain it well here, but here are some of the reasons:

- I can be Anglican, and Emerging Church, and go to Taize services and pray with candles and icons and... But if I became Orthodox I would have to be Orthodox alone, since they won't tolerate eclecticism of this kind.

- Being Orthodox means accepting the whole box and dice, as explained by the Orthodox church. This means accepting that women can't be ministers, not for any theological reasons, but just because there never have been.

- Being Orthodox means accepting traditions as well as Tradition. Most people can't tell the difference, so in practice every church has a whole bunch of rules about "the way we do things here" and it is impossible to tell which of these are "real" from God inspired things, and which are just human and man-made things. If you are truly Orthodox you don't ask.

- Being Orthodox means essentially being "frozen" when Byzantium fell, which in my opinion, means becoming increasingly irrelevant and disconnected to live as people live it now. The discordance between everyday life and church life will be continuously widening. This is in many ways the complete opposite to the Emerging Church, which seeks to meet people where they are. In terms of evangelism, ministry and connecting with people, I know where I can more comfortably and usefully be.

So it is with some sadness that I acknowledge that I cannot be Anglican and Emerging Church and Taize and Orthodox - because the Orthodox won't allow it. So I will take some of the lovely symbols and traditions from orthodoxy and incorporate them into my own faith but I will never actually be Orthodox myself.

Strangely enough, Dean seems somewhat relieved that my little exploration of Orthodoxy is over. He thought it was weird that I was interested, then concerned that I might join it, now relieved that I have decided not to. I don't know why this is the case, but I hope it is because he likes Solace and would rather join there than become Orthodox again!

What is the Lunette and why do I love it?

It's about time I told you about my menstrual cup. Warning for the squeamish - this gets a bit medical!

The Lunette is one of a variety of menstrual cups which sits inside of you to collect your monthly flow. It looks like an upside-down bell shaped piece of silicone (medical grade, thank you) which sits inside the vagina and "catches" the mentrual flow before it leaves the body. Medical grade silicone is the stuff used in heart valves and joint replacements, so I have no concerns placing it inside my body temporarily. Because it is the contact with air which makes old blood smell, there is no odour. Unlike tampons which absorb all the normal vaginal fluids, there is no dryness or scratchiness which I used to think was a normal part of having a period.

Tampons are also associated with TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) which has never been documented in association with menstrual cups. I suspect that this is because menstrual cups don't interfere as much with the normal vaginal immune defences, and keep the normal environment of the vagina as uncompromised as possible.

The cup is also better for the global environment, as well as my internal environment. Tampons and pads are going into landfill at a rate of 7 billion and 12 billion a year (respectively) in the US alone! Finally, cost. One cup costs about AUD $45 and lasts for at least ten years. As opposed to approximately $5 per month for a box on tampons. I figure, even with postage, the cup has already earned its keep at under a year of use!

Cups are not a new invention, and apparently their history goes back as far as 1867! I had never heard of them before, but now that I have, I plan to spread the word! The full history is linked to a research page here: http://www.labyrinth.net.au/~obsidian/clothpads/Cups_history.html

So from a subjective (user's) point of view: Why do I love it?

It's convenient: I only have to empty and wash mine twice a day. I usually do this in the morning and before bed, so I don't have to muck about with it at work. If you have a really really heavy period you might have to empty it more often, but still less than with tampons. A cup holds about 25 mls, and a normal menstrual flow for a whole cycle is about 100mls. The manufacturers say you should empty it at least every 12 hours, but I often go 24 hours, and once I left mine in 48 hours with no harm done.

It's inexpensive for me and for the environment: I bought one Lunette (imported from Finland) for a total of just under $50, and I have bought one single box of tampons since. This saves me money, and saves the environment.

It is comfortable: I never imagine that I could feel happy dancing, camping and cycling during my period. I even forget sometimes that I have my period! The cup is so comfortable to wear, I can't feel it when it is in, and there's no string. Getting it in and out doesn't scrape me dry and there is no irritation from the bleach used on tampons.

Fewer cramps: I don't know how or why this is the case, but I have noticed that I have a lot less abdominal cramping since using the cup. Many other women have noticed this as well. I can't explain it, but I'm not complaining!

The main downside: It did take some getting used to. The insertion and removal can be a bit tricky and does involved some fiddling around. It took me probably three cycles before I felt really 100% confident with getting it in and out and checking for leaks. I found the most useful advice was here, in the menstrual cup community of livejournal: http://community.livejournal.com/menstrual_cups/

Other useful links:
http://www.labyrinth.net.au/~obsidian/clothpads/Cups.html (the journal of an Australian woman who has done a lot of research into this issue!)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstrual_cup (wikipedia)
divacup.com is the main US company which has a good FAQ page, and some TSS information

Cup companies:
http://www.lunette.fi/english_index.htmlmenstrual_cups (I got a Lunette and love it!)
http://www.mooncup.co.uk/
http://www.divacup.com/ (This company has a one year money back guarantee)
http://www.thekeeper.com/ (makes both silicone cups and rubber (latex) NOT recommended because of potential allergy problems)

with thanks to "Broken Angel" and to "Obsidian" of the menstrual cup community at livejournal

How do I decide when to write?

I have realized that I write for several reasons:
- when I have something which I need to think through and process
- when I have something interesting to say or record
- when I am learning a lot or having contact with new ideas

I don't write when:
- I am very busy living out the above
- I am very bored and have nothing to say or talk about

So, in the last month I have moved jobs, finished my fellowship for the RACP, started back to theology studies, taken up running, been on the Great Tasmanian Bike Ride, met with an architect about a house, been on my last cycle of Clomid, arranged a trip to Europe to see Helen and Sam and taken up teaching medical students at the Angliss.

So that's why I haven't written much!

Psalm 19 paraphrase - by beachpsalms from LJ

Paraphrase of Psalm 19 by beachpsalms of LiveJournal (with permission)

The universe is telling the glory of God;
And the galaxies stand in clusters.
Day to day pours forth sunlight,
And night to night stand the stars in the sky.
There is no speech, nor are there words;
Space is a silent void;
Yet the light travels to us,
Travels to the end of the solar system.
Our small star, our Sun is at home on the western spiral arm
And our orbit is wed to it,
We hurtle, spinning together, joyous, like a carnival ride.
We spin, and the sun lights and warms this planet,
From endless day to endless night at the poles
And all the land and ocean in between.
The beauty of the galaxy revives our souls,our physics equations are complex and wise... and frequently wrong.
And yet the galaxies spin, the stars burn, the planets orbit
Dark matter lurks, light bends,
Quarks burn and Schrödinger’s cat is in the box
All unconcerned with our math and our measuring.

And still… matter likes matter
We are pulled together and towards God
Like moons orbit a planet
Like planets orbit the sun
This pull towards each other
Is unexplained, and undeniable
God’s creation is the universe: Vast, infinite
We are tiny – save us from believing we are the centre
We are loved – save us from feeling abandoned.
Keep us from insolence and pride
That we shall be humble and grateful.

And let our poetry and telescopes, math and music
Be acceptable to your heart
O Creator, the centre of our orbit.

Pacifism again...

I am still wondering about pacifism. I think I agree with Richard Hays and Stanley Hauerwas that pacifism and overcoming evil with good is the Christian ideal, but I'm wondering if this can actually work in our fallen world? It might on a personal level, but how about on a social level? If good people do not resist, will not evil triumph?

Hays describes this fear as a lack of trust in God, and maybe it is. But doesn't God use US as his hands and feet in the world? If Christians do not defend the helpless, doesn't that make us part of the problem?

There is also the issue of abrogating responsibility. If we want laws enforced, rights upheld and innocent people protected, shouldn't we take some steps towards doing those things, rather than leaving all the work to others so we don't get our hands dirty? It is all very well to want to live in an orderly, law-abiding society, but how is that compatible with not wanting to be part of the army or police force? That smacks of hypocrisy.

If all Christians leave from the army/police force or whatever insitution we disapprove of, doesn't that just mean it will be entirely run by non-Christians? Is this an improvement?

I think as a social policy, pacifism might have a few bugs in it that need working out...

How do I spend my time?

Thoughts with thanks to Kate Megill of CHFWeb.

There are so many days when I look back over my time I wonder "where on earth has this day gone?"
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by computer time.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by laundry.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by housework.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by spending time with my husband because sometimes he just needs to talk.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by reading.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by prayer, although I wish I had much more time to spend here.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by ministry to others, either on the phone or an impromptu (or planned) visit with a friend in need.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up with my paid employment.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up with shopping, banking and other errands.

So, when I look back at the list above I see that my time is eaten up by the priorities God has for me! Which means the term "eaten up by" needs to be changed to "poured out for His Glory by". Now THAT puts a whole different perspective on things! When I view my time as being eaten up, it is because I am holding onto it as if it belonged to ME. But when I view my time as poured out for His Glory, it is because I'm seeing my life as belonging to God - and recognizing that if He wants to spend my time refolding the laundry that got folded and then knocked over, then that is up to HIM. My job is to walk in joy and thankfulness that I can have my life poured out as a drink offering to please Him in all I do. Thank you, Jesus, for the opportunity to love and serve and bless you in all I do. Now, if only I can figure out how to do that all the time, I'd be OK!

Thanks for this Kate - this is a great way of re-framing how we spend our time! I know for myself that I tend to be very "task focused" and to see time spent chatting with friends or just sitting with my husband or in contemplative prayer as time "wasted", when really I should be valuing time spent on people rather than tasks!

Article on Orthodoxy

Interesting article was posted on the Orthodoxy board today:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2006/december/30.40.html

I felt like cheering! I don't think most of the "real Orthodox" liked it as much though. The article points out that Orthodoxy hasn't contextualized its faith and liturgy in the modern world and hasn't figured out how to relate to unchurched people. He calls for increased evangelical fervour in the Orthodox church and an increasingly self-critical view of the accretions of Orthodoxy. Most of all, he calls for dialogue between the Orthodox and the rest of Christendom - Oh yes!

Called to prayer - why?

I am a complete idiot. You might not think it to look at me, but I am. I let myself get terribly sunburnt last week, and now the daily pain in my arms and legs reminds me that I am an idiot. I have decided that pointless, unintentional, self-inflicted pain does not bring a person closer to God. It just hurts. Still, it is probably good in itself for me to be reminded that I am an idiot.

One unforseen consequence of all this (I mean, all of it was unforseen, but this is more unforseen than the rest) is that I can't jog in the mornings at the moment. Every step jolts my swollen and burning skin terribly so that I can hardly walk. I deserve every moment of it, and no sympathy at all, I realize that, but what about the effect on my prayer life?

My prayer rule has been jogging around the oval and singing/praying/reciting as I go. The running keeps my thoughts in rhythm and focused in a way that just sitting on the edge of the bed fails to do. I was nearly frantic thinking that I was going to lose my impetus to pray because of a stupid accident!

I should not have worried. I should have realized that when God closes off the oval, he opens a glove box. I found my prayer beads again, which I used to use in the car but at some point left in the glove box and forgot about. Now, the large beads are the Lord's Prayer, the small beads are songs or prayers or people to pray for. This works even better than jogging, and is a lot more portable. I feel like I am rediscovering ancient rituals.

The strange side effect is that I find myself praying almost obsessively. I have turned off the radio and abandoned my talking books completely. The drive to work seems too short to pray for everyone, and I only get about halfway through my prayer rule and am tempted to sit in the car rather than go inside. Prayer is taking up sometimes hours a day, if all the little odd moments of prayer got put together.

These are not exactly deep or profound prayers either. I am not asking God for things, usually, or thanking Him either. I am not quite sure what the "point" of all this prayer activity is, but it almost getting to the stage of a compulsion. I could refuse, so I know I am not developing OCD, but I still don't know why I do it. What good is prayer anyway?

Comparing Liturgies

Yesterday at Solace we had a Liturgy service! How unusual! It came at a good time for me, though, allowing me to compare first-hand the Anglican/Solacian liturgy with the Antiochian Orthodox Divine Liturgy.

In many ways, the substance was remarkably similar. This is not coincidental, I realize. The Anglican service preserves much of the original ideas from the Orthodox form, but re-framed for a modern time and new styles of thought. Some of the original prayers written for the Solace community are heart-stopping stuff too! I love these words of Jude's:

Let me be used by you or laid aside for you...

Scary to think that being laid aside could also be the will of God! This whole prayer is a fantastic example of how modern prayers in our own context and "voice" can help us speak out the thoughts of our hearts.

On the other hand the whole "group confession" thing just left me cold. Having now experienced the crucible of personal confession in the presence of a spiritual father - the whole group "think for a moment in silence" just doesn't cut it. There is no motivation to do the "hard work" of repentance, or even of serious self-examination. The opportunity is offered, but there is no structure or impetus to use it well and no accountability afterwards. As for group absolution - I'm sorry, but that just doesn't work well at all. There is no sense of actual contact between the personal sins and the impartial forgiveness - it is all too easy. The pressure, the discomfort of naming and owning sins out loud in the presence of another person is somehow necessary to the process.

I don't think the Catholic system of anonymous confession would work for me either. The whole point about being anonymous makes it comfortable, and indifferent. It would presumably be hard for a priest to hold anyone accountable for their penances if they don't even know who you are! Also, how can someone speak sensibly into my life and give serious spiritual advice when they don't know me from Adam? I would not take random advice from the most well-meaning of strangers - why would I take advice from a stranger I can't even see?

I suppose I am realizing again that to modify the Liturgy and alter the tradition risks losing the accumulated wisdom of the ages that this is the best and most useful way of doing it. But sometimes the risk is gain, and Jude's lovely prayer is part of that. Can I have both? I want both!

Unequal yokes

Today at lunch I heard part of conversation about marriage, in particular, "mixed" marriages between a Christian and a non-Christian. I thought I was over this issue, that I had dealt with it and moved on, but apparently not.

I just wanted to leap up and grab this girl by the throat and tell her "What are you thinking? Do you want to ruin your life?" And yet I know that this would not be a fair reflection either. I don't know her, I don't know her situation, I don't know the man she is involved with. Besides, she could quite rightly say "Look at your life - it wasn't ruined by your marriage! Far from it!" Which would also be true. As Uncle Bill keeps telling us, we are the "perfect role model couple", which tells me that Uncle Bill doesn't know the half of what is really going on in our lives.

The whole topic still makes me very uncomfortable, and yet I feel a sort of duty to warn her. Since I now have intimate and detailed knowledge of exactly why God forbids Christians to marry non-Christians, surely I have a responsibility to try to open her eyes to the consequences of her decision? And yet, I know that when others tried to tell me, I didn't listen either.

Also, my life is not exactly a testimony to the dreadful things which happen in an unequally yoked marriage. We are happy, there is no abuse and little conflict, we don't fight over tithing to church anymore, Dean even comes along to church sometimes.

But how can I describe to her the deep grief of knowing that my partner in life doesn't share my most precious desires, the goals that motivate my life and give me purpose? How can I tell her that the love of my life, I can only have with me for thirty or forty years, and then may never see again? How can I tell her the despair that comes of writing my deepest spiritual insights and excitement over growing closer to God in a public online diary which others will read and understand, but my own husband won't? That we can't pray together, that I don't feel comfortable praying at home at all? That I sometimes fear my husband thinks I am crazy for "waiting on God"? That our world-views are so different? That when I see the beauty of God's Creation, he sees only nature at work. That where I know God is working miracles, he sees only coincidence and self-delusion.

How can I explain to her that when I think about the conflicts of raising children in our home, I sometimes feel that God is right not to give us children. How can I tell her about the sleepless nights of prayer, and yes, the sleepless nights of hopeless crying? How can I explain that even though I know I am forgiven by God and blessed despite what I have done, that I still must live with the consequences of my actions? That my own choices in life have lead me to a place where I know I can only give God my second-best service?

How can I tell her that this is not God's best for her life, and that if she will only submit herself to Him, that God will give her everything her heart needs. That might be through the gift of marriage or through the gift of singleness, but at least she would know that she had been truly faithful to God's vision for her, and not always wonder what her life might have been...

Richard Hays and pacifism

I have been reading Richard Hays "NT ethics" as recommended by Keith. He suggested that I would find Hays interesting on the topic of divorce and remarriage, which I did, but then I was interested enough to go on and read his section on violence and pacifism as well. I was horrified to realize that everything I thought I understood about this topic was wrong! I wrote an entire essay on how Bonhoeffer was completely justified in trying to place a bomb under Hitler and that Tolstoy and Ghandi were misguided idealists.

I realize now that I was overly impressed with long lists of references in other languages and that my thoughts were seduced by intricate arguments, all extensively footnoted. Betz and Guerlich marshalled and paraded clever ideas derived from intricate word studies and studies of the times which I could not possibly challenge. And yet, I was vaguely uneasy even then that these towering intellects did not themselves quite agree. In the end, I sided with Betz over Guerlich and said that Christians should participate in "just wars" and in defense of the innocent.
But now I love Richard best! His writing style is much plainer than the other two, deceptively easy to read and he leaves all the footnotes to the end of the chapter, where you can ignore them if you like. His strength is in his insistence in contextualizing verses, and he has some very sharp things to say about the practice of "decontexualized proof-texting"! He places the verses he is examining within the context of the Gospel, within the setting of the whole New Testament, and against the background of the Old Testament and the Jewish culture of the early church. He doesn't go in for tortured reasons, just looks at the most probably meaning in the context, to the author and the immediate audience. It is amazingly different to what I have read before.

He makes a very powerful argument that all Christians should be pacifists, on the basis of the teaching from Matthew 5:39 But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. This is exactly the verse I wrote my first essay on! But now I realize that Hays did a much better job...

- he demonstrates that Matthew did not think the world was ending, so this is not an "interim ethic".
- he demonstrates that Matthew did not think this was an impossible ideal intended to show us how great our need is for the mercy and grace of God, or for something to aspire to in eternity but not achievable in the here and now.
- he demonstrates that Matthew did not think this was something for "special" Christians or for disciples who were more holy than the rest of us, but a teaching for everyone.

Having talked about how this teaching applies to us today, he then went on to discuss the other reasons for Christian pacifism:
- the example of Jesus not letting himself be defended with a sword, but instead allowing the innocent to suffer (himself) and leaving his own justification in God's hands.
- the words of Jesus who restrains the disciples when they want to inflict punishment on a town which ignored their teaching, and says that God will judge.
- numerous examples from the teachings of Paul about "as far as it rests with you, live at peace".
- the calling of Christians to do good to enemies, even in the face of persecution.
- the calling of Christians to overcome evil with good, not to fight evil with evil.

This last point reminds me very strongly of CS Lewis's point about "forgiving enemies". That we know we are supposed to forgive our own enemies, but that we feel justified in hating enemies of the innocent because of insufficient identification. He proposes that we identify with the victims just enough to make their enemies detestable to us, but not enough to make their enemies our enemies and therefore suitable recipients of love and forgiveness.

Very challenging!

Lord's Prayer - 2

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

I always thought this line was rather strange, because if God cannot be tempted by evil and we are told that God does not tempt us to do evil, why should we pray for God not to do what He already said He would not do? I have developed a few theories about what this might mean:

1) Since God knows what our weaknesses are, and the areas in which each of us is likely to experience temptation, perhaps this prayer is asking the Lord to protect us from ourselves and to shield us from our own areas of weakness? In this case, the deliver us from evil part would be to deliver us from the fallen sin nature which already exists within us.

2) It might also refer to providing us with an escape route, if we should fall into temptation. The idea that God does not test us to destruction, but always provides a way out.

3) It could also be a prayer for protection against the Evil One, and to avoid the kind of testing through temptation that Job suffered at his hands. This seems the least likely to me, but it is possible, and some translations make it appear that this version would fit, though not mine.

Not sure which is the best understanding, although the first one has its appeal right at the moment. I am still thinking a lot about confession and repentance, and asking the Lord to deliver me from the temptations and evil which I already have within myself would fit this prayer very well right now. As they say, if the cap fits...

As Paul describes, I think we all have our thorn to bear, and we all have our temptations and areas of weakness which are particular to us. I am thinking much more reflectively about this now that I have to bring it to confession - it is a very good spur to thought! Being aware of my own areas of weakness also means that I can see patterns in my life of falling into particular sins, and I hope this awareness will help me to avoid such sins in the future.

Confession is incredibly useful - I can't believe so many traditions seem to have got rid of it! The process of specific reflection, verbal acknowledgement and confession of sins is incredibly powerful, and of course, so is receiving absolution. But the process of confessing to a spiritual guide, in and of itself, is amazingly powerful. The naming of sin out loud is difficult and painful, naturally (and so it should be) but so instructive! It really does shine a bright light into the dark places, and reminds me that no place is too dark for God to enlighten with His forgiveness - praise the Lord!

Exploring Orthodoxy, for real.

I woke up this morning and decided to become a catechumen.

Somehow everything seemed to have crystallized while I slept - the things I have been talking about on the LJ boards, my discussions and experiences with Father Geoff, my conversation with Olivia yesterday. Somehow Father Geoff's question is still going around in my head "Why don't you engage fully with Orthodoxy?" The talk with Olivia helped me to realize that the answer is "No good reason".

I guess two of the major worries which have held me back so far have been that I was hesitant to get too involved with Orthodoxy out of a sense of "loyalty" to Solace. Talking with Olivia has made me realize that to think like this is to do a disservice both to Orthodoxy and to Solace. Is Orthodoxy so dreadfully exclusive that they would want me to cut all ties to other communities? Is Solace so closed that they would stop me exploring other faith traditions? Of course, neither is true.

The other hesitation I had was about Orthodoxy being so unapproachable to others and not evangelistic. I am not going to any church where my husband and parents can't feel comfortable. In the Greek Orthodox churches I always felt that it was a terrible shame that they have this great treasure of rich tradition, but hide it inside a Byzantine architecture and behind another language, so that people have to navigate the obstacles to get inside. I realize of course that it is unreasonable to expect Orthodoxy to change - that's the point of being Orthodox, in some ways. The problem remains that for "normal" people to understand Orthodoxy is difficult.

Then I remembered Gordon, from my university days. Wonderful, devoted, selfless Gordon who took literally hundreds of hours away from his Master's thesis to spend them hashing over spiritual issues with me. We met every week and talked for hours about God, the Bible, life and philosophy. I can't remember one tenth of what he said, but I remember being impressed with him and with his faith. He was a thoughtful person who was not afraid to say he didn't understand, if it was true, and not afraid to say what he really thought on any topic, even if he knew I wouldn't like it. I left quite a few of our sessions deeply disturbed, but he never gave up on me and was always willing to come back and talk again.

I don't think he ever expected our conversations to come to anything. I suppose he was content to plant the seed and let God do the rest, but I am glad that about five years later I had the chance to meet him again, and thank him for his investment of time in me. He visited our church on a day when I was singing, so I could see him sneak in the back. He seemed a bit stunned to find out that I had become a Christian - I guess I must have been harder on him in those conversations than I had realized.

Gordon was my bridge person. He met me where I was, and showed me the way into the church. Once in the church, a variety of people have been mentors and guides along the way, but without Gordon I wouldn't have been around to know. God bless him, wherever he is now.

I think Father Geoff is another bridge person. He is able to see the journey I am on now, he has probably walked a similar path himself, and he is able to show me the way. All that rich tradition and deep faith and history - I have great hopes that he will be able to induct me into it all, and I can't wait! Maybe once I understand it better, I can become a bridge for others too.

Orthodoxy - a way of life

Once again I am "realizing" a truth that I thought I already knew, certainly one I would always have said I ascribed to and understood. And yet, now I am coming to make it real in my life in a different way. (Side note: I have not had such an intense time of spiritual growth since I first became a Christian.)

Since starting to explore Orthodoxy I have come to see that the Orthodox faith n particular is a lived experience and a way of life. It is not something to talk about, to read, to study, to think and learn about, though all of those things can help. Primarily it is something to be lived, to be walked, to be acted out and experienced.

I think I have been pandered to by the evangelistic tradition. Reading, writing, thinking and study are my natural ways of engaging with new thoughts. Talking with others is also a natural engagement technique for me. The evangelistic tradition encourages and uses these things - study and talk, read and write, think and talk some more.

Oh yes, and pray about it too.

Which captures the problem. The areas in which I am weak have not been touched or challenged at all. The emotional, symbolic, sacramental, supernatural, ritual, musical, penitential and sacrificial parts of my life have been barely scratched. Since the Western tradition of spirituality does not access these kinds of spirituality nearly as much, I didn't realize how stunted I am in these ways.

Solace has helped me experience new things in some of these areas, particularly that of seeking the spirit which I was very closed to before, and symbolic actions which I had very little experience of before. Funny, to think that the heart of the Christian sacraments and theology is communion, which is both a sacrament and a symbolic action, but that most of the other traditional symbolic actions have been lost to the Western church (or at least the bit of it that I have seen).

But the whole Orthodox Way (as Bishop Kallistos Ware calls it) is about a lived experience. Prayer, fasting, the Divine Liturgy, Confession, Communion are all symbolic actions or experiences to live out. Similarly, the only way to truly experience the full richness of the Orthodox tradition is to do these things. No amount of discussion, theory or talking about it conveys the truth - it is a Way, and unless you are on it, you can't know it fully. (Is this what they mean about having the "mind"?)

I wonder if it is for this reason that all the discussions on the LJ board end up with "ask your priest" because the priest is the Spiritual Father and guide for each member, and it is under his guidance that the topics of discussion will be played out, and it is only when it is done that it can be understood.

It is only in praying the prayers that I can understand what they mean. Only in experiencing the Divine Liturgy that I can see the beauty in it. Simple acts such as kneeling for prayer (I've never really done that) or in having a regular prayer "rule" or lighting a candle, or in confessing before an actual person, these are deeply meaningful actions which can only be emotionally engaging when being carried out. Reading about the spiritual significance of kneeling before God is just not the same, talking to someone about the theory of fasting is nothing like actually doing it.

Of course, the down side is the incense! That's the experience I could live without...

Exploring Orthodoxy Revisited

Oh dear. I think I said in my last post about Orthodoxy that I had practically decided not to become Orthodox, which I had. That was then...

Now I can't stop thinking about Father Geoff's questions: What is it that stops you from becoming Orthodox? Is it that their faith is empty?

As soon as he named it, from my various inarticulate phrases, I realized two things. That yes, he is right and one of my main hesitations comes from my perception that the Orthodox church is full of "nominal" Christians who don't really live their faith. And secondly that this is a terribly judgemental attitude to have, and not a good reason anyway.

I keep coming around and around and back to the same issue. I feel called, fascinated, intrigued and attracted by many features of the Orthodox church and the Orthodox faith. Something calls to my heart and soul, something incredibly attractive and stable about standing on a faith which is unchanged in essentials for thousands of years.

At the same time I am terrified that I will have to give up so much, leave so much behind and learn a whole new way of life. I have so many reasons (not necessarily good reasons, but reasons nonetheless) for why I like my church and I like my life the way it is. I have friends, a chance to do good works, a minister we both respect - I have a life already!

And yet...

Holiness, is what I long for

I am continuing my "prayer rule" such as it is. So far I have the Lord's prayer and two songs. The new one which I can't get out of my head (reminds me of Paul's injunction to pray continuously) is:

Holiness, Holiness is what I long for.
Holiness, is what I need.
Holiness, Holiness is what you want from me.

So take my heart and form it.
Take my mind, transform it,
Take my will conform it, to yours, to yours, oh Lord.

It seems a little trite written down, but it expresses the urge I feel to not only use this time for "waiting" whatever that means, but to use it for preparation, for purification, for something which will be shown to me, in God's time.

Interestingly, on Sunday we had a session which lead me to think about holiness. The holiness of the OT was about purity and separation, about being set apart and dedicated to serve God and having no other priorities. I crave that "inward holiness".

But also the holiness of Jesus and of the New Testament is an "outward holiness" which translates into acts of justice, healing and mercy. It is a holiness which rebukes legalism and rebukes the burdens which men lay on each other, even to the extent of calling those hypocritical men "snakes and vipers". I need this kind of holiness too.

I can't help wondering if this is the difference between Solace (and the Protestant church in general) having the focus on "outwardly turned holiness" while the traditional and Orthodox churches focus more in "inward holiness". This is a gross generalization, and of course all churches do both to some extent, but still, I wonder...

Confession experience

OK - I went to the Vespers service on Saturday night and hung around afterwards for confession. I had assumed that I would be confessing to the priest (Father Geoff) but he told me that the confession is to Jesus, and that I should face the icon and make my confession to God, and he would just listen and pray for me. That wasn't exactly what I had expected, but seemed reasonable (besides, I didn't exactly want to look at him while confessing). The process was both easier and harder than I had expected.

It was harder than I had thought because somehow saying it out loud in front of another person, and a holy person too, made the naming of the sins much worse. He was great about it though, and neither attempted to "lighten" my sins or to make me feel worse about it. He just accepted what I said and agreed that my sins were serious, but not beyond the power of God to forgive.

It was easier too, in a way, because the confession became more of a dialogue. I was worried that I would be expected to produce a long list of stuff and he would listen impassively, but it wasn't like that at all. He asked for clarification about some points, such as "so is this a current concern or something from the past?" and gave direction about what was "really sin" and what was just consequences of past sin. He also gave advice, so that part of the confession became more like a discussion about how to deal with sin and what I might find helpful.

He didn't seem to be going to give me a penance, but I asked for one. He said he doesn't always give a penance, but that he could think of one if I liked. I said that I would leave it up to him. Then something funny happened. He said that he had this little thought pop into his head that I should become Orthodox! He said he wasn't going to set it as a penance (that would not be appropriate) but that it was a thought. As a penance, he wants me to take the Catechism classes, which won't be starting until after Easter. Actually that is probably too easy, as I was planning to do that anyway.

So after that he gave me absolution (which I wasn't sure if he was going to, since I'm not "really" Orthodox) and explained about kissing the stole and we said a prayer off the printed card. I can't really describe what it "felt" like, but I can say that it was powerful and that God was there. I don't exactly feel different - I'm still a sinful person and I didn't get through even half of what I wanted to confess, though I made the two main points I wanted to talk about. He didn't rush me out at all, but I was too exhausted to do more. Half an hour appears to be my limit for intense confession. I cried, of course, as I often do in the presence of God - I hope that didn't disturb Father Geoff. He appeared to take it very calmly and just waited without attempting to talk or touch me. (Good idea and in line with what I learned in psychiatry too.)

Afterwards I felt tired, emptied out, relieved. I felt like I had gone in with a head full of stuff and was able to pour it out and leave it behind. I didn't exactly feel as "forgiven" as I had expected, but certainly lighter of some burdens! I think I will need to go a few more times to get it all out, but I am keen to go again somehow, even though a little frightened of what other penances he might give me. It is going to take me at least six months to get through this one!

OK - I have finally started writing!

New Year, new blog!

I have finally started a separate blog to write my medical stories. Actually, this is my second attempt at medical writing. The first was waaaay to dark and cynical and I did not really enjoy writing it. I think I did about five entries - it is probably out there somewhere.

But this time I want to write it how I see it. How it really is to be a doctor, in all its weird wonderful and sometimes bloody detail. You have been warned! Find it all here:

http://diaryofadoctor.blogspot.com/

Returning to my first love

I remember when I first became a Christian, I was very black and white. The Bible was full of answers, of surety, of promises and reassurances. I was enthusiastic, unstoppable, tactless and naive. It was a simple time.

Questions, complications, unanswered prayer, unanswerable questions, theological debate and doubt. Moving into complexity was difficult, but necessary. The simple black and white no longer satisfied me, and I moved into a world with shades of grey.

Apart from a few moments in the sun, most of my life is lived in the greyness now. This is a good thing, I think. I see nuances, shades of meaning, delicacy, tension and balance which I would not have understood previously. I thought for a while that my early naivety was a phase to be got over as quickly as possible. I heard one older priest say "New converts should be stuck in a barrel for ten years, until they get over it!"

Now I wonder. Everyone goes through that "first fire" stage. It seems to be somehow necessary. John in Revelation Ch 2 talks about how they seem to have lost that first love, as if it were a good thing which is now gone, rather than a difficult phase which is now past.

Strangely, I feel it coming back now, in a rather different form. The love and desire I have to know God better is coming back just as strongly, but now in a more experienced mind which is able to bear complexity. I am equally keen to learn, to know God better, but less fixated on being able to understand it all, less sure that there are "right answers" to find.

I remember still, how distressed I was to hear a 70-year old Christian woman say that she was "still learning". "What!?" I gasped "You mean you don't understand it all yet?" I was horrified that you never "get the degree" in Christian living. That you never get it all right, get it all together and move on to teaching others, secure and sure in your own correctness. I wanted that surety!

Ha! It seems funny to me now to have ever wanted to be so sure. It sounds pompous and self-righteous to think that I could ever achieve that - I hope I was understood to be just shallow and naive instead. No, I prefer the uncertainty, the journey, the greyness, to the black and white end of the answer. It would be sad to reach the end of learning, for there to be an end to understanding, to reach the bottom of God's depths - presumptuous thought!

I find it infinitely more reassuring and exciting to know that our God is deep enough to swim in for our whole lives and never reach the bottom! To know that our God sees in endless shades of grey, and is not captured in any system of black and white rules, written down in any book, closed into any box in a pigeonhole on a shelf.

And it is this endless love of God (I believe) which protects new believers from knowing all this too early. The answers we are given then are the answers we need, and they are true and real and reassuring. As we grow into the bigger answers, start to see the shades of colour and variety which God has written into the world, then we see that our little answers go deeper than we realized and there is more yet to explore.

What an exciting God we live for!

The Lord's Prayer - 1

I have been praying the Lord's Prayer every day (more or less) and once again it strikes me both what is in it, and what is not.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be your Name.

Since I sing the prayer as I learned it at school, I use the old language. I like this opening - it reminds me that God is sovereign, and it is in Him that I place my trust and obedience. How awesome, to come into the very presence of God! The one who made the heavens and the earth, the one who knows me and cares for little old me.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

More obedience - I feel like this is a theme for me at the moment. God's kingdom to come on earth - actually I find that hard to imagine. I was thinking this morning that God might be the ultimate communist: from each according to ability, to each according to need. It doesn't work in this fallen world because of human nature, which is to do as little as possible to get as much as possible. But God, who sees into the heart, could make it work. God can be fair without being equal, though it doesn't work very well for humans.

Give us this day our daily bread.

Interesting that we are instructed to ask for something as ordinary and prosaic as bread. One translation has "give us all we need for living" but I prefer the more concrete version. I find it also interesting that we get to ask for bread. Not meat and beer or cakes and wine. Just what we need to survive. Extras can be applied for, and will be granted on their merits!

That's not to say that God is not generous. He is, and I have been showered with miracles, visions, answers to prayer greater than I could ever expected. But these were all very much "extras" and gifts, not basic needs. They were also to serve very definite purposes. God's guidance, equipping and encouragement when I needed them. They were not "luxuries" for personal enjoyment, just as St James predicted!

Funny - I have known the Lord's Prayer for most of my life, but there is still more in it to think about and discover. More later...

Waiting...

Christmas is over - the singing, the celebrations, the eating - especially the eating. The New Year is here, resolutions made and (sort of) kept. Kept better than if I never made them, anyway.

Now, I am just waiting. Not sure what for, but definitely waiting. Seems an odd way to start a New Year, but there it is.

I feel like this is a preparation time, maybe for something really challenging? I feel more interested in spiritual things than I can remember being for a long time. I want to pray all the time, read the Bible more, learn more.

But I don't know why. I guess I'll just wait here then, shall I? Yeah, I guess so...