Confession experience

OK - I went to the Vespers service on Saturday night and hung around afterwards for confession. I had assumed that I would be confessing to the priest (Father Geoff) but he told me that the confession is to Jesus, and that I should face the icon and make my confession to God, and he would just listen and pray for me. That wasn't exactly what I had expected, but seemed reasonable (besides, I didn't exactly want to look at him while confessing). The process was both easier and harder than I had expected.

It was harder than I had thought because somehow saying it out loud in front of another person, and a holy person too, made the naming of the sins much worse. He was great about it though, and neither attempted to "lighten" my sins or to make me feel worse about it. He just accepted what I said and agreed that my sins were serious, but not beyond the power of God to forgive.

It was easier too, in a way, because the confession became more of a dialogue. I was worried that I would be expected to produce a long list of stuff and he would listen impassively, but it wasn't like that at all. He asked for clarification about some points, such as "so is this a current concern or something from the past?" and gave direction about what was "really sin" and what was just consequences of past sin. He also gave advice, so that part of the confession became more like a discussion about how to deal with sin and what I might find helpful.

He didn't seem to be going to give me a penance, but I asked for one. He said he doesn't always give a penance, but that he could think of one if I liked. I said that I would leave it up to him. Then something funny happened. He said that he had this little thought pop into his head that I should become Orthodox! He said he wasn't going to set it as a penance (that would not be appropriate) but that it was a thought. As a penance, he wants me to take the Catechism classes, which won't be starting until after Easter. Actually that is probably too easy, as I was planning to do that anyway.

So after that he gave me absolution (which I wasn't sure if he was going to, since I'm not "really" Orthodox) and explained about kissing the stole and we said a prayer off the printed card. I can't really describe what it "felt" like, but I can say that it was powerful and that God was there. I don't exactly feel different - I'm still a sinful person and I didn't get through even half of what I wanted to confess, though I made the two main points I wanted to talk about. He didn't rush me out at all, but I was too exhausted to do more. Half an hour appears to be my limit for intense confession. I cried, of course, as I often do in the presence of God - I hope that didn't disturb Father Geoff. He appeared to take it very calmly and just waited without attempting to talk or touch me. (Good idea and in line with what I learned in psychiatry too.)

Afterwards I felt tired, emptied out, relieved. I felt like I had gone in with a head full of stuff and was able to pour it out and leave it behind. I didn't exactly feel as "forgiven" as I had expected, but certainly lighter of some burdens! I think I will need to go a few more times to get it all out, but I am keen to go again somehow, even though a little frightened of what other penances he might give me. It is going to take me at least six months to get through this one!