Confession

In my eagerness to try new spiritual disciplines, I asked Father Geoff of the local Orthodox parish, if I could come to confession. He asked me to think in advance of what I would like to confess - sounded reasonable enough.

At first I couldn't think of anything. I said something not exactly 100% true the other day, but it avoided a long explanation - is that a sin worth confessing? I ate more chocolate over Christmas than was strictly good for me - is that a sin? I let myself get annoyed the other day, I went to work late... Actually there were quite a few things, once I started thinking about it.

Then I thought about the old Catholic "Seven Deadly Sins": Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Sloth, Lust, Anger, Pride. Then I realized that I was a victim of all of them. Not even a victim, it is worse than that. I willingly and knowingly indulge in most of them, most days! Once again I am convicted of what a sinful person I really am, and Jesus Prayer seems most appropriate: Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner!

And yet, what next? I know I can never do enough penance to "earn" forgiveness, and while I don't mind making restitution or even doing discipline, I have no desire to punish myself for its own sake. I'm not a masochist. Besides, penance isn't the point. I don't want to agonize over the past, I want to truly repent of it - to turn and be different in the future.

It is only now that I realize how helpless I am to "make myself good". I do not have free will in the one thing that really matters - I cannot free myself from sin. I am reassured that even Paul felt the same:

Romans 7:19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

So tonight I will go to confession, and pray for God to flow through me and help me to "be perfect, like your Father in heaven is perfect" (Matt 5:48). At least until next confession...