Today I went to the doctor (Vicky) to talk about starting infertility investigations. It was so hard just to name the problem! To sit there and say that I am failing at this most essential function of a woman and wife - to name it and claim it as part of who I am. This also involved going back over my miscarriage of last year, which I thought I was recovered from, but discovered that I am not as over it as I had thought. I nearly started crying again in the office - which is ridiculous!
It was three weeks of being pregnant and then it was over, and yet I still feel such a sense of loss over the whole event. Probably because I am too aware of being 32 and still not a mother, still not a paediatrician, neither a person with a lot of hobbies nor an active social life, not the owner of my own home, not a philosophy or theology student - not even slim and fit! What have I been doing with all my time??
Anyway, to get a grip - Ann, my cousin, whose blog is now linked here, is adopting a baby girl from Vietnam! Her full story is rather harrowing, and I hope that we don't end up going the same route, but I wouldn't mind adopting a baby from Vietnam. Dean is very against the idea of adopting though, and would rather be childless than adopt, which I most definitely would not!
Ah well, here's hoping it doesn't come to that. Blood tests and ultrasound next week...
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