Saying No.

Today at Solace we discussed setting healthy boundaries and saying "no", after Jesus' teaching "let your yes be yes, and your no, no." The story of the pigeon who wanted to drive the bus was a great illustration of setting sensible limits and responsibly saying no.

The first exercise was to write on the bus what not so good things might be driving us - things which we should maybe be saying no to, or at least questioning. I realized how much I am driven by the need to be right, and to be seen to be right. Sometimes I just about burst trying to hold in self-justifications and self-defenses, even when I know I am in the wrong, and it seems like it should be easier to just say "You're right" or "I made a mistake". More taming of the tongue required here!

The second exercise was to rehearse difficult situations in advance, and to think of ways to say no. After all, we prepare for any other kind of difficult speech or situation. I was surprised to find that I couldn't think of very many ways to say no at all! I think I must hide behind excuses such as "My husband won't let me" or "I'm working that day" rather than just saying straight out no. I think this why I get myself overcommitted and stressed out. Just last week I was offered three fantastic opportunities to do things I really like and want to participate in, so I said yes to all of them. Now of course this week I am stressed and anxious and taking it out on those around me. Not good.

The third exercise was to think about why we find it hard to say no, and in what circumstances. I realized that I take on an excess of responsibility, and that I don't like to delegate or let things go. I think this is encouraged in doctors generally, and probably other kinds of professionals as well. This leads me to feel that I have to "step into the breach" and do things, when in fact others could certainly do some of them, and it might be worth considering if they are worth doing in the first place!