What's the difference?

I feel restless.

Something is telling me that my life is not quite "right", but I don't know in what way. I am frustrated with myself that I am not changing, improving. I ask myself: What difference does it make that I am a Christian? How would my life be different if I were not one?

- I would have Sunday mornings free
- I would say "no" more often without feeling guilty
- I wouldn't have a fish sticker on my car

Is that it?

I feel that I am no different for being a Christian than I was before, or than I would be otherwise, and yet I feel that there should be a difference.

Even if I wasn't a Christian, I don't think I would go around telling lies and being mean to people, getting drunk, breaking the law, dressing like a tart, talking back to my husband and parents. I probably would read my horoscope in the paper each day. But if being a Christian doesn't change me, doesn't change my behaviour, then what good is it? What use is it? What difference does it make?

Is it valid to say that I am a Christian, but all the differences are purely interal? That being a Christian is good for me (I feel that it is) but this makes no difference to those around me or to my outward behaviour, speech and actions? This sounds uncomfortably close to James' indictment of "faith without actions is dead".

I also don't buy the argument that all being a Christian means is getting into heaven - pie in the sky when we die. This is not what I feel should be right, not what I see and hear in those around me.