On being a patient

I am being a terrible patient, but in doing so I am experiencing and remember what it is to be a "bad" patient - I hope this will inform my future actions as a doctor!

First, I panicked and went through denial, grief and despair (this is all without waiting for any actual information - this is just on the report from the ultrasound technician).

Next, I did some avoiding and went shopping on eBay, didn't talk to anyone and generally tried to forget all about it. I think this phase lasted about 24 hours before I was even ready to look for more information - strange, since I always thought of myself as a logical and information-driven type of person!

It was not until a day and a half later that I felt able to even go looking for information. When I did, I searched the internet and found the expected hash of anecdotes and advertising. This is exactly the reason I don't encourage my patients to look on the internet, but I ended up doing it myself and frightening myself silly...

Then I went to the medical literature and had a look there, which confirmed my impression that not much research is done in this area. A lot of what goes on seems to be based on either a single study from 1993 (over ten years old) or on research done by those in the industry and therefore highly suspect.

I also went to my online friends for sympathy and reassurance - I didn't feel able to discuss this face to face with real live people without bursting into tears. It was in this that my true situation was brought to my attention. Again, this is strange because I would not necessarily have advised someone in my situation to seek our friends and go whinging to them, yet this is the one thing which really helped.

The ladies on CHFWeb reminded me of the good old-fashioned and true advice: count your blessings! You are only 32, still have a good run of child-bearing years in front of you, have only had one miscarriage (one lady there had four), a problem has been found and it is fixable! I should be gleeful and joyful and looking forward to having a minor day surgical procedure and then having as many children as I can handle!

The funny thing is that I do feel a lot better! Unexpected, under the circumstances. I think it was just the shock of having a diagnosis made and a problem identified. A useful experience for a doctor, I think.