Certainty/Uncertainty

I have just finished reading a fiction series about a family who all convert to Christianity at a rate of one per book. It was a nice, easy read - I guess the literary equivalent of "easy listening" music. The books were fairly simplistic, in that each addressed one particular issue a person might have with God, solved it, and then the person became a Christian. If only it were so!

Thinking about my own journey, I come back to the simplicity-complexity diagram in a different form: that of certainty/uncertainty. I wondered if God existed, if He was powerful to do anything and if He was interested in me. He proved to me that He is all these things: certainty. I then wondered if He would answer all my prayers - He would not: uncertainty. I wondered if He cared about my family and husband as I do - His Word says yes: certainty. I prayed for all of their salvation, but they are not yet saved: uncertainty. I fell back on the certainty of my own salvation, only to hear that perhaps there is no heaven: uncertainty again. Now the knowledge of heaven is replaced with a better concept of eternity with God: certainty, but for how long?

I am thinking more and more about Olivia's comments about a "hidden God" and not just for those seeking Him for the first time. I think He deliberately hides and reveals Himself to all of us; keeping us always in the area of faith but not full knowledge, trust without certain predictability, some understanding without complete understanding. It is as if He takes His hand away as we walk more surely, and steadies us when we falter, only to remove His hand again so that we walk ourselves as much as we can. (CS Lewis uses this metaphor, and I find it very apt.)

This must be a necessary process if we are to grow, so it is not surprising that it is a lifelong journey (struggle?) to know and trust God. The more we know and trust, the more we are given to know and our certainties are taken away to build our trust higher and stronger. I remember a minister saying that he was praying for protection when he suddenly realized that eleven of the disciples died as martyrs, and that the whole of Christian history is filled with people laying down their lives for God and each other. If it could happen to them, it could certainly happen to him! In the midst of this increased pressure, he nevertheless gave his life to God, to use to take away according to His will. Lewis called it "walking with God from good to good" in Perelandra - He takes us from one good thing to another, if we will but let Him lead.

If this is true, a Christian should expect to spend her whole life seeking to know God better, swimming ever deeper in the pool of theology without ever touching the bottom. She should be always striving (struggling?) to know God more and trust in His ways, and as her trust increases it should be increasingly tested, refined and made to grow stronger and surer. The normal Christian life should thus be one of trials and growth - a fearsome and yet attractive idea! I like the idea that God is always shaping me, even if it is difficult, and that He is the one which has no end, even in eternity. CS Lewis (again) describes it as a story which has no end, and in which each chapter is better than the one before. Amen - so let it be!

Easter Sunday

Today is Easter Sunday - Christ is risen! Today I noticed the difference it makes to go from fast to feast. The contrast highlights the value of each, and I thought it is good of God to arrange it so that everyone gets to experience both. Those of us in rich countries experience fasting (even if it is only voluntary and temporary) and those with nothing else can celebrate what God has done. I think most people would agree that it is good for us to be reminded of the two states, especially if we dwell most of the time in only one.

Similarly, I wonder if it is good for us to experience change and seasons in our lives - to go through some hardship to give the celebrations more savour? It is easy to accept this theoretically and philosophically, but when it comes down to the point I know my first response is always "Why God?" I suppose the answer, at least some of the time, will be "Because it is good for you."

Maundy Thursday

Last night was Maundy Thursday, with the traditional "dark" Tenebrae service reflecting on the shadow falling over he disciples in the lead-up to Good Friday. I found myself thinking a lot about the disciples - Peter and John in particular. Peter was called "the rock" by Jesus, even knowing that he would deny Jesus when put to the question. Jesus foretold not only Peter's betrayal, but also Peter's return and that he would be an ongoing leader in the church and source of strength for those around him and those who would follow.

This year we have been looking in particular at John's Gospel, with its themes of light and darkness and God's eternal forgiveness and love. This was particularly suited to the service last night, with the progressive dousing of the light as the service progressed through Jesus' arrest and trial, Peter's betrayal and the rejection of the community and the condemnation of Pilate.

By the end of the service, it was raining and the wind was howling outside - perhaps a cliché, but atmospheric nonetheless. As we left the Carey chapel for the last time, resetting the chairs and taking everything with us, it really was a journey of saying farewell. We stripped the church and took even the doused candles with us, locked the doors and left silently, one at a time into the rain and darkness outside.

This experience really brought home to me the lost-ness, the lack of centre, the destruction of hope and the uncertainty that the disciples would have felt (albeit on a smaller scale). It also brought to mind the persecuted church, and those who have to gather in secret and leave in silence. Holy Spirit comfort and sustain them!

Accepting our Powerlessness

This is (I think) one of the most unpalatable facts about Christianity. That we are here because God created us, that we are as we are because God made us that way. That we are given grace (and enabled to accept it) by God's grace and through His work we are cleansed and made acceptable. Nothing for us to be proud of, no great "self-made men". The only work we have to do is to accept, to cooperate, and to be witnesses. These works are difficult enough that we can only do them with God's help anyway. In everything we are commanded to ask God in prayer, to seek His guidance and empowering through the Holy Spirit, to accept and do His will. I wonder if this is why men seem to have more trouble with faith than women? Maybe it is harder for the self-image of a man to submit than it is for a woman.

On the other hand, there is something restful and freeing about it all. Certainly feeling responsible for everything (especially the salvation of others) is an intolerable burden. Also the fact that we fail at all our self-appointed responsibilities - if we truly were solely responsible there would be no-one to turn to when it all goes pear-shaped.

God in His heaven and all right with the world - there is a certain reassuring inevitability about that.

Offering ourselves- sins and all

What an interesting concept! I always think about offering my work, my best, my virtue to God. If not, then at least my efforts and my best intentions! But Henri Nouwen says:

If we keep waiting until we are "worthy" of God, we will move further, rather than closer to Him. We are called each day to present to the Lord the whole of our lives - our joys as well as sorrows, our successes as well as failures, our hopes as well as fears.

How amazing! I never doubted that God can see all of my life, if He really wanted to, but somehow I think I assumed that He only looked at the best bits and closed His eyes to the rest. Of course this can't be true, since I know that He is with me in the trials as well, and in all my daily activities, but I guess I just thought that He wouldn't be interested in everything. Perhaps He is after all. God always being there in everything I do and say - a new idea for me!

Passover

Tonight was our Solace Passover meal (actual Passover is next week, coinciding with Easter). I love entering into the tradition of storytelling, of recounting the events of our history and owning it as our own story. I love the teaching and community aspects of it - you can't have Passover on your own!

We have a wonderful, abundant meal with symbolic foods, roast lamb, fruit and milk and honey desserts. We told the story of the first Passover, complete with symbolic actions and tastes. This is something I would like to do every year!

Children of God together

The children of God need to support, protect and hold one another to God's heart.

Absolutely. Some of the greatest comfort I have comes from the prayers of my sisters in Christ, both at church (Solace and St Jude's) and online through WWAW and CHFWeb. One of the things I find saddest is when the church tears herself apart with internal divisions and strife, with one part of the Body of Christ turning to another and saying "I don't need you!"

This is what I love about the spiritual Re-making course; it allows us to find the good and find the gifts in those other traditions which we would not necessarily appreciate otherwise. Being invited to return to the charismatic roots I abandoned long ago, I am reminded of the great gifts and fire that are to be had there, as well as how necessary it is for the church to have the gifts of the Holy Spirit in the body. I am so glad the gifts of the HS are for today! And even more glad to have a minister gifted with so many of them! And maybe even to have a little of the giftings myself: intercessory prayer, encouragement and sometimes prophecy (which is really listening to God).

When we abandon the Body, when we try to strike out on our own and do it all our own way, discover God's meaning "for ourselves", then we are alone and vulnerable. We risk making mistakes and wrong interpretations without others to correct us, we are open to go to extremes in one direction and completely ignore others. We are very open to sins of pride and self-righteousness, and at the same time less aware of them. We are vulnerable to emotion and doubt in times of weakness with no-one else to reinforce our moments of weakness. God knows us so well! He made the Church to be everything to us that we need, to complete our human incompleteness and to be family for us all. Thank God for His amazing plans to good to us!