Graceful-in-Grey

It's a girl!

2007-11-30T23:40:00.000+11:00

We started off the morning bright and early with an argument about breakfast at 6am. The nurses were telling me that I couldn't have breakfast because I was going for a C-section. I told them that I needed to have breakfast because I was going to be induced and to have a normal labour and delivery and not a C-section. Eventually I got tea and toast - a reasonable compromise, but I hope Dean brings me some snacks for later.

I got my IV and we started the induction about 8am, starting at 15mls/hr. By midday, I was up to 100mls/hr and still not having regular contractions. People started saying that maybe it was too early, that my body wasn't ready for labour and that maybe I should start thinking about a C-section. No way did I want a section! A small baby at normal delivery is easy on the body, but you don't get any discount on the recovery time from a section. I reminded myself to just keep breathing and keep being positive and to take one thing at a time.

I discovered the hard way the need to keep my focus. Dean was great with helping me breathe through each contraction and I thought we were doing well. My mum and Dean's mum were both visiting in the delivery room, mainly talking to each other which was fine with me. (Dean's dad also came into the room - does that seem weird to anyone else?) Then I realized that Marion was telling my mum about the mess she cleaned out of our house while I was in hospital. Complete with commentary about "how could they do this" etc. This was one of the known dangers of letting her unpack for us, but from my hospital bed I didn't see any realistic alternatives. Dean realized at the same time what was going on, and tried to talk her out of her line of conversation, but Marion is nothing if not persistent. I tried not to argue with her, or make any smart comments and Dean was about to leave me and go to tell her more firmly to desist, when a contraction hit us unprepared.

The pain was very intense, and I could feel myself losing control, and Dean was talking to his mother - and then I lost my focus and melted down completely. Instead of being a marathon swimmer pacing myself across the ocean, I became tossed on the waves without bearings, without a destination and without hope. The pain and fear amplified one another and both seemed to go on without hope of escape. Dean was fantastic - he kicked everyone out of the room post-haste and returned to help me regain my focus and control. Once I was back together, the contractions were once again intense, but not unbearable. The fear-tension-pain syndrome is thus totally confirmed!

Dr Regan came back to check my progress at 5pm, and found that I was only 2cm dilated. I was disappointed - all that work for a lousy 2cm, with 8cm still to go? He wondered again about giving up the idea of a normal delivery and going for a C-section, but agreed to let me go a little longer and see what I could do. The IV was by now up to 180mls/hr, which is the theoretical maximum. If I couldn't do it on this dose, then it would have to be a section. I just kept breathing, kept focusing on doing my part - I'm young and healthy and there's no reason why my body shouldn't be able to do this. The baby was doing fine on the monitor, so there's no problem there, and no reason to stop on that account.

I should mention the monitor game: apparently if the baby's heartbeat on the monitor sounds like a horse galloping then the baby will be a girl, but if it sounds like a steam train then it will be a boy. Dean thought it sounded like a horse, as did my mother. Marion and I thought it sounded like a train. Actually, I thought it sounded like whatever you wanted it to sound like, but I had always thought we were having a boy because of my cravings for salty foods and pickles.

Anyway, at 8pm the midwife examined me again - still at 2cm! For the first time I started to worry that maybe we were not going to be able to do this after all. She rang the doctor, and he said he would come back in and see. If I wasn't able to do any better by the time he arrived at 10pm, then it really would be time to go upstairs to theatre.

I realized this was the last chance - now is the time to do it or not at all. The contractions were getting very intense by now, and I had considered asking for some pain relief, but then I realized that any kind of pain relief such as pethidine or an epidural would slow down the labour - something I was not prepared to risk at this point. So we continued with the nitrous gas and the breathing exercises. I reminded myself that this must be one of the most prayed-for babies on the world, what with the whole of CHFWeb and Solace praying for us both. If anything could do it, my world-wide prayer chain would! New Age types talk about "breathing the baby down" but this was very definitely "praying the baby down"!

At 10pm Dr Regan came back for the last examination, one way or another. By then I was at 5cm - success! I had shown sufficient progress that we would be allowed to continue to a normal delivery. Dr Regan also reassured me that the first 5cm is always harder than the second 5cm. This turned out to be true - it felt to me like about ten minutes later that I had the urge to push.

This last part is all a little blurry. There are large sections of time that I just don't remember - probably all for the best really. I don't know if this is a result of my internal focus, or the gas I was breathing. Nitrous is good stuff - I've never been a fan before, but I am now! There was also quite a bit going on around me that I didn't hear or notice. I was completely taken up with the quite indescribable sensation of the baby moving down inside me.

It felt to me like three pushes later Evie was born! I couldn't believe it all happened so quickly! she was lifted up onto my chest, and I saw for myself that she was a gorgeous little girl! Apprently after that there were some inconsequential injections, stitches for me internally, and other things which were not even noticeable beside the wonder of our little daughter. I put her to the breast immediately, and she was alert and awake and bit hard! She hurt more than the stitches! But I loved her immediately, overwhelmingly, and she is everything I had been waiting for and worth all the pain and worry it took for her to get here.

November 30th, 2007, 11:16pm Evie was born and our lives will never be the same.

Last day before becoming a mother...

2007-11-29T23:23:00.000+11:00

I have now been sitting in hospital for a week without going into spontaneous labour - looks like I am one of that 20% minority. It has been a difficult time - sitting around worrying mostly. There has been so much that I feel I should have done before the baby comes, yet I am stuck in hospital and can't do any of it. Not to mention the worries about having a prem baby, and worries about the labour.

Still, I am learning once again to count my blessings. There are four of us in this room who have not had our babies yet. Opposite me is a girl who came in with a bleed after a fall. She cried all night with fear for what this might mean for her child. Next to her is another woman with a bleed at 30 weeks. she will be in hospital until she has her baby, which means right through Christmas and New Year, unless of course she has a big bleed and ends up with a C-section. Next to me was a woman with ruptured membranes at 28 weeks who went into labour at 32 weeks and had to be sectioned. Then there's me with ruptured membranes at 34 weeks, now up to 35 weeks with a healthy baby and due for induction tomorrow, with every chance of having a normal delivery - I'm definitely the lucky one!

One of the other benefits of this "spare" time before the baby is born, is that Dean and I have had a chance to work on our birthing techniques. The antenatal class involved lessons on breathing, positive thinking, coping with stress and focusing. There is also a really good sheet of positive affirmations for mother and baby. Like any other skill, NLP takes practice, which this week has given us - some of it has been a really special time with just the two of us concentrating on our soon-to-be-born baby.

With the induction tomorrow, I got day leave today to go and enjoy my last day of freedom before becoming repsonsible for another little person. I indulged in one of my little luxuries - I went for a pedicure. I can do it myself, but with the big tummy, why stress myself out? Then we went to lunch for Elina's birthday at Jaques Raymond, which was very fancy. I guess this might be the last long and leisurely adult lunch with wine and conversation for a while!

It is funny to think about all the things I will be giving up for a while - movies, late nights out, restaurants without kids, etc. Then I think that I've had a long time to enjoy those thngs already. I'm ready to give those up and to enjoy being a mother and having a baby. This baby has been a long time coming, and I can't wait to meet our baby tomorrow!

Nov 23 - waters broke! (Week 34)

2007-11-23T23:16:00.000+11:00

Today I had planned to have a lazy afternoon, put my feet up, maybe write my birth plan. Then I decided that it was too hot, that I still have at least four weeks (probably more as first babies are often late) and that the birth plan could wait while I watched TV. I have all those episodes of "House" to get through. Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men, and as it turns out, of pregnant women...

At about 6pm I was sitting on the couch watching "House" when I felt a tiny bit wet. I had heard that pregnant women sometimes suffer from a bit of incontinence, and though I never had, there's a first time for everything. I stood up to go to the bathroom - and what felt like a litre of fluid gushed out of me and all over the floor! For a minute, I didn't know what was happening, and even when I did, I think I was in denial. I'm a paediatrician, so I look after other people's premature babies - I don't have them myself!

When I pulled myself together (and changed my clothes) I rang Dean, who was luckily already on his way home. I realized that this Friday was the first day of the Great Victorian Bike Ride, and if Dean had gone (as I gave him permission to do) he would have been on his bike halfway to Wilson's Prom by this time!

By the time Dean got home I had finished cleaning up the floor and watching my episode of "House". I can only explain this behaviour by saying that I must have been still in shock. I didn't call the doctor, or the hospital. I didn't pack a bag for the hospital - I mopped the floor?!

Anyway, when Dean arrived he took charge. He called the doctor and the hospital and arranged for us to go straight in. He got my bag for labour and a change of clothes for both of us, toiletries and a book. He also put a towel in his car (amniotic fluid rots car upholstery, apparently) and took me in.

Once we got to the hospital, I was put on a monitor which showed that I was in early labour, but the baby was fine. I was given steroids, antibiotics and medicine to stop the labour. The I was told to just sit in hospital and relax! Apparently 80% of women will go into labour on their own after ROM (rupture of membranes) but giving the baby an extra 24 hours for the steroids to mature the lungs will make it better for all of us.

So I guess I'll just sit here then? Yep... Just sitting...

Pregnancy Week 34

2007-11-21T22:01:00.000+11:00

Today we had our repeat ultrasound to check the placenta - all is well, it has moved up nicely and I am all set for a normal delivery whenever that should occur. I was a bit worried it might be too low, and I would have to have a C-section, but that is thankfully not a problem now.

Last week we also had our first antenatal class. The woman doing it is a bit more "all natural" than I expected, and I don't think we are going to feel comfortable having her as a doula after all. Still, a lot of useful information and some good ideas there. I was particularly pleased that Dean seems to have changed his mind about the whole giving birth thing, and has stopped saying "why don't you just have a C-section". Now he is on board with the whole idea of "birth as an extreme sport"! He is preparing a bag for me with power drinks, energy intense snacks and some kind of weird gel that you eat - we saw it on the Tour de France.

Actually, I think the idea of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is very valid. This is a modern psychological form of "mind over matter" - how you think and speak affects your experience. So the idea with birth in particular is to think and speak positively about it, to experience "pressure" and "contractions" in a positive and progressive way (as opposed to pain to be obliterated with drugs).

Not that I'm particularly aiming for a "drug-free" birth! I think modern medicine is a wonderful thing, and I'm very glad that if a C-section becomes necessary, that I'm booked into a place with all the bells and whistles! But it is also true that women have been birthing babies for a long time without any of that. I'm (relatively) young and healthy, and as fit as I have ever been, so there's no reason at all for me not to have a normal birth. That's what I'm thinking of and preparing for...

Pregnancy week 33

2007-11-12T14:36:00.000+11:00

It is funny being this pregnant - I feel huge and ungainly, but apparently I don't look all that different to other people. I guess all the extra 14 kilos must have gone straight to my ankles! Usually, I can tell how big a space I need to fit through, but now I find myself accidentally brushing against things because the tummy is about 10cm further out than I expect!

Repeat ultrasound next week, so we get to see the baby again! Although I don't really need to - the baby moves around a lot now, so I can feel it as a separate person. The baby has distinct likes and dislikes - it moves a lot when I have a cold drink or there is a lot of noise. Someone was testing the emergency evacuation siren at the hospital the other day, and the poor thing seemed to get quite frightened! I had to get up and walk around to soothe it back to sleep - poor little baby!

Pregnancy Week 32

2007-11-11T14:42:00.000+11:00

Antenatal classes started this week - very interesting! It is a totally different emphasis when we are preparing for a normal birth, as compared with studying obstetrics where the emphasis is always on the five or so per cent where things don't go as planned.

Actually, I have a lot more anxiety about the birth than I had previously realized. One of the relaxation exercises is to monitor your breathing, and everytime someone said "birth" I found myself hyperventilating! I have to keep reminding myself that the births I attend professionally are a highly selected group - the normal births don't need a paediatrician in attendance so I don't get to see them!

Positive thinking and preparation I think will be the keys. Fortunately, Dean is now fully behind the idea of acting as a support person for labour, and has stopped saying "Why don't you just have a C-section..." I still haven't decided if we should invite anyone else into the labour room. I would like to have another person but can't think of anyone suitable (ie that I would be prepared to see me pushing out a baby!)

One thing I have observed about the antenatal classes, which I think is potentially a problem, is that everyone takes it for granted that their baby will be normal. Once this is assumed, everyone is free to concentrate on the "experience" of birth and thinking about peripheral concerns such as the (small) risks associated with an epidural or episiotomy. Of course, this is fine as long as everything does go well, but as soon as there are any problems people don't seem to understand that the "birth plan" and the "experience" go out the window in favour of safety for child and mother. I think people sometimes get so fixated on their "experience" and "preferences" that they forget the ultimate aim of labour is to have a healthy baby!

What is faith like?

2007-09-17T11:38:00.000+10:00

Theology classes are continuing, and one of the people in my class the other day was musing that his faith is like a glass house, and studying the Bible and theology was like throwing stones at his faith house, so that now he was losing his certainty and didn't know what to believe anymore.

I must say that I was somewhat taken aback. Certainly Bible college is challenging, much of what we are learning I am finding unexpected, but hardly faith-destroying. I couldn't help thinking that a "glass house" is not how I care to think about my faith. It implies something fragile, brittle, to be protected and not challenged. Something where one crack might cause the whole edifice to come crashing down. Someone else described faith as a house of cards - a similar simile with the same drawbacks.

I prefer to think of faith as a rose bush. It goes through seasons of dryness, seasons of flowering, seasons when pruning is needed to make it more productive. If it ever stops growing, it dies. The longer it lives, the bigger and more productive it becomes. Obviously we are not talking here about a rose bush under my care (which would have a very short life) but a metaphorical rose bush, cared for by God, which is watered, pruned and challenged as needed to make it grow.

I would like to think that my faith is like that.

Pregnancy Week 24

2007-09-12T10:49:00.000+10:00

Finally, I am getting to the "happy" part of being pregnant! The sickness is almost gone, I feel more energetic and am only sleeping 9-10 hours a night. Of course, this has all happened just as I cut down my hours at work! I've been suffering through tiredness, nausea and full-time work for months, and now that I finally reduce my hours I could probably cope with more work.

Ah well, I guess this means I get to spend more time on myself and the baby! My doctor has been telling me I need to exercise more, and I haven't yet got a pram, cot, baby seat, high chair or anything.

I still don't feel that I look "properly pregnant". I can feel the baby moving a lot now, though. It seems to like kicking me in the appendix! Last night for the first time the baby's movements were visible as I was sitting on the couch! There really is someone in there! And they seem to like swimming...

Pregnancy Week 22

2007-09-03T14:24:00.001+10:00

I feel the baby moving all the time now, and Dean has felt it even through my skin as well! There is definitely someone else in there! I'm getting a proper "baby bump" at last, so people can tell that I am pregnant and not think that I just never had a waist at all...

I've been shopping for maternity clothes, as none of my regular pants fit my non-existant waist any more. I used to think that shopping for bathers was "feeling like a beached whale" time, but this is much worse! Everything makes me look like I'm at least 10 months pregnant, and overweight for that. It's like everything is designed to make you feel as ugly and clumsy and fat as possible.

My other gripe is that nothing is fitted properly. Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean that I have gained an extra 10cm of height. I might need more room in the tummy, but I don't need more length in the legs! I also don't plan to put on weight in my knees, so the pants don't need to be big around there as well!

I think I'm going to be living in stretch clothing for the duration, and avoiding mirrors.

Pregnancy Week 20

2007-08-21T14:22:00.000+10:00

I'm definitely feeling the baby move around a lot. It seems to move mostly when I sit or lie down, and settle to sleep when I walk around. I guess this is why babies like to be carried around by their parents walking to go to sleep once they are born!

Apparently the baby can hear now, so I should start listening to classical music...

Pregnancy Week 19

2007-08-14T14:01:00.000+10:00

Well, this has been a big week! I thought I felt the first few flutters of the baby moving! It is a bit hard to tell, because I have so many strange pains and stretching feelings down there, but these little hints don't seem to be coming from me.

Also, we had our second ultrasound, and saw the baby again in amazing detail! We could see the baby sucking its thumb, waving its arms around, sleeping, smiling... It actually seems like there is a little person in there - separate from me just "being pregnant" if you know what I mean.

Pregnancy weeks 14-17

2007-07-28T09:22:00.000+10:00

Everything continues pretty much the same - still sick, still tired. There is one new feature this last week - my gums have started bleeding when I brush my teeth.

It's official: I don't like being pregnant.

I tried to like it, I really did. I wanted to be excited and "glowing" and all the other things expectant mothers are supposed to feel. What I really feel is sick, tired and that despite all the extra effort I am putting in, that I am still functioning at somewhat less that my usual efficacy.

Oh, and my car broke down last week. I'm hoping this is the storm before the calm...

Pregnancy week 13

2007-06-28T19:09:00.000+10:00

Today I met our obstetrician who is surprisingly short, but is very well spoken and sympathetic, and has very small hands, which I think must be an advantage in his profession. He listened and suggested ideas with exactly the right manner; not too condescendingly simplified, but without assuming too much either.

The other big landmark of the day was that I had breakfast! This is the first breakfast I have been able to "keep" for the last two months! Maybe this is it - the beginning of the end of the nausea! Yay! (And not before time either, since I have to work this weekend.)

Pregnancy week 12

2007-06-22T18:55:00.000+10:00

We had our ultrasound today! It was so exciting, and somehow made it seem more "real" to see the baby right there on the screen. It moved in response to the pressure of the probe on my abdomen, curling up its legs and turning over. It would be lovely to be able to name the baby, but of course we still don't know what kind of name (boy or girl) and I don't think we want to know.

I wonder a bit about the 20 week ultrasound, because since Dean and I can both read ultrasounds it means we shouldn't look at all if we really want to keep the sex of the baby a surprise. Although having seen this quick ultrasound I would love to have another look!

It's funny that all the breast soreness and vomiting hasn't made it as "real" a ten minute image on the screen. I can sympathize with Tom Cruise buying his own ultrasound machine so he could look at his baby a bit more.

Also, I was very pleased to have my dates confirmed exactly on the ultrasound. I knew I got it right! On the other hand, this also confirms our due date for Jan 1st. The way I feel at the moment I want to stop work straight away! I can't imagine working through until November or December! Ugh! I hope the nausea stops soon.

Munich, Neuschwanstein and Dachau

2007-06-12T19:31:00.000+10:00

I wish Helen had decided to come with us for a weekend in Munich - I hadn't realized how much we had been relying on her to talk for us in restaurants! We arrived in Munich and discovered that we couldn't even say "a table for two, please". Not a brilliant effort for two supposedly cosmopolitan and well-travelled people. I can always say I feel too sick to concentrate, but I don't know what Dean's excuse is.

We have walked though Munich, seen the clockwork on the tower, visited the palace, marketplace and the cathedral and decided not to do a Hitler tour. Apparently Munich is where he got started, so there are lots of walking tours around which point out the highlights of Hitler's career. We did go to the Hofbrauhaus and Dean had a litre of beer, which is the smallest glass they serve it in! The serving people really do carry 8 litres at a time - 4 glasses in each hand.

We took one day to visit Neuschwanstein (New Swan Castle) which was built by Mad King Ludwig and, exactly as advertised, has swans all through it in the architecture. Every room has a theme - one of Wagner's operas. If you knew them all, you could read all the stories around every room. From the ouside, the castle is the true fantasy castle as popularized by Walt Disney as the "Sleeping Beauty" castle. It also has the perfect setting, being built on top of a mountain, near a lake (Swan Lake, of course) and also near a tiny metal bridge over a waterfall. Since the building is less than 100 years old, it also has all the modern conveniences of electricity and plumbing, so maybe Ludwig wasn't that mad after all.

For a complete change of pace, the next day we went to Dachau, which was the original concentration camp of the Nazi regime where all the future guards and leaders of the other concentration camps were trained. Some of the stories from there were bizarre and all were chilling. I find it difficult to understand how people could do all that to other people. The medical experiments alone were sickening, let alone the actual torture inflicted. The strange part is that none of it seemed to have any point. Most of the work was make-work, like digging holes and then filling them in again, or doing star-jumps in a winter coat in the middle of summer. Pointless. Apparently because of the risk of sabotage very little real work was entrusted to the inmates.

At the end of the war, the government was keen to plough Dachau into the ground and try to forget that it ever happened, but there were some survivors who insisted on setting up a memorial there. Interestingly, the memorials very much reflect the politics of what was going on at the time. The memorials set up in the 60's don't commemorate the gypsies, homeless or homosexuals, as there were still considered "undesirables" by the government at the time. Reminds me of Animal Farm, where all are equal, but some are more equal than others...

Stuttgart

2007-06-07T19:19:00.000+10:00

We have spent the last week in Stuttgart with Helen and Sam. I think this baby is German! It loves sausage and sauerkraut and pretzels! The Germans certainly know how to make sausage and pretzels, so we are in the right place for it. The beer is apparently very good too, but I'm not letting the baby try beer just yet.

Helen's German is getting very good, and she has been showing us around and ordering in restaurants and finding me bathrooms and explaining to other concerned women that the food is really very good here...

Sam has applied for another year's scholarship in Germany, and I hope for his sake that it goes through and that he can continue his work here. But I hope for Helen's sake that it doesn't go through and that they can come home soon, and for my sake that Helen will be around when I finally have this baby!

Stuttgart itself is a traditional little Schwebian town. That is the name of this regional part of Germany. They have traditional Schwebian foods which are heavily Italian influenced, such as sausage meat wrapped in pasta rather like a large ravioli. They also have a rather unimpressive thing which is like macaroni and cheese which they serve with onion and (of course) sauerkraut. Potato salad is also astonishingly popular and appears beside just about every dish. Pretzels are used instead of bread, and come to the table as soon as you sit down.

My main nutrition at the moment comes from this amazing drink called Apfelschorle which is nothing more than half apple juice and half mineral or soda water. Sounds simple, but the baby loves it, so it is one of the few things I can tolerate - and I'm drinking it by the litre. Interestingly, Germany is very big on recycling, so we save all the bottles and get 30 cents back for each one returned! You really could make a living here collecting bottles, especially around the airport and other tourist places where the foreigners don't know how it works.

The Germans are very compliant with rules, though. I don't know if all the recycling bins would be respected if you tried the same thing in Melbourne. I don't know that people would take the time to work out which of the four bins each item of rubbish needs to go into and to separate them all out. Even inside McDonald's they have a person employed just to go through all the trays and separate out the different types of rubbish - now that would be a fun job!

London

2007-05-28T19:14:00.000+10:00

We are on holidays in London, so I get to vomit in a new environment. The plane trip was awful - I think the jet lag makes the nausea much worse, but it could just be the motion and the tiredness. Unfortunately I had one of my worst episodes right in front of Tereza on the first day we met her for an outing. Luckily she was sympathetic, having been through it twice herself already.

So we are taking it easy, and not doing as much rushing around sightseeing as I had thought. We have walked around London, caught the underground, seen the "Eye" and the Tate Modern Art Gallery, and caught a couple of shows on the West End.

Most evenings we spend with Andrei and Tereza and their boys Antony and Luke. It is lovely to see normal, healthy children for a change!

Pregnancy Week 8

2007-05-23T18:27:00.000+10:00

I'm still feeling sick most of the time, but so far (knock wood) haven't had any really embarrassing episodes. Even the three at work occurred when no-one was watching. But I have discovered a legitimate use for "second breakfast"!

Actually, it is the feeling tired which is more troublesome even than the nausea. I seem to be sleeping 10 or 12 hours a day, and still want naps in the afternoon. Usually I would just push through and keep doing whatever I have to be doing, but now I feel so tired and overwhelmed that I just stop and go lie down on the couch. Very strange.

Even when I do get to sleep, I am having lots of very vivid dreams. The content is not particularly disturbing, most are about getting up and going to work, but it means that my sleep is much less restful than it would otherwise be.

The cravings have started too. I used to think this would be kind of fun - an excuse to eat a whole tub of ice-cream or something. Sadly, it is not like that at all. It feels more like have a full meal and feeling a bit sick besides, and then having someone standing at your shoulder saying "Now you have to have an apple as well!"

I can't believe this is only the beginning of seven more months of not having my body to myself. I'm already thinking I would have to be crazy to do all this again, and I haven't even been through labour yet! Maybe there is an advantage to having twins after all...

Changing perspectives...

2007-05-08T19:42:00.000+10:00

When I used to look at parents with their kids, it was always very clear to me that the kids were their own little people - they have their own opinions, ideas, wants, likes and dislikes. I always found it rather strange that parents had such fixed ideas of what they wanted their children to be like. It seemed to me odd to be looking for them to like the same football teams, music, sports, books, etc.

Now I have a child of my own on the way, I find myself thinking "I hope she will like bike riding, then we can all ride as a family" or "I hope she likes being read to, and likes the Narnia books" and "I hope he doesn't expect me to watch him play football every Saturday". Of course I would, but I can't imagine enjoying it. Now it seems to me quite natural for a parent to want a child to like and enjoy the same things the parents like and enjoy. Strange how our point of view is always a view from a particular point!

OK - I'm happy now...

2007-05-07T20:19:00.000+10:00

I'm happy now - this morning I could hardly get out of bed because of overwhelming waves of nausea. Now I have experienced morning sickness (which was more like all-bloody-day-sickness) I am satisfied that I really am pregnant.

I'm happy - the sickness can stop any time now.

Really, I'm convinced, and now, well, I feel sick....

I'm officially an FRACP!

2007-05-06T20:23:00.000+10:00

Today I had the college ceremony which officially makes me a Fellow of the Royal Australasian College of Physicians. It was all very ceremonious, with gowns and hoods and an official photographer and speeches and little snacks afterwards. It is rather nice to have a testamur at last - now I just need an office to hang it in! It is a bit strange though, since the reality of consultant work started a good three months ago. The official seal of approval was a bit of an anticlimax, really.

One funny thing though - these portraits will be our first official "family" photos! You can't see the baby, but s/he's there all the same...

Matter over mind...

2007-05-05T15:13:00.000+10:00

It has finally happened - the triumph of biology over intellect. I have an essay on Deuteronomy due in about three weeks, and I have written 100 of 3,000 words. But I had to go have a nap! I am just so tired all the time, and not sleeping well. I can't imagine what it will be like after the baby is actually born, and sleep deprivation sets in for real!

We have a mezuzah!

2007-05-03T17:12:00.000+10:00

I've been thinking for a while now of getting a mezuzah. I'm not sure why - maybe it is all the Old Testament studies getting to my brain, or maybe it is my new freedom to be eclectic in action. I don't think it is anything to do with being pregnant.

Anyway, I went down the street with all the mezuzahs, and I've never seen so much "Judaica" in once place. I guess I've never had a reason to look before, and previously I didn't even know it is called "Judaica".

So I went through four or five shops in a row, before deciding that I have probably seen all the possible variations on a theme. There were:
- tiny mezuzahs for the car
- wooden mezuzahs
- silver mezuzahs
- mezuzahs with scenes painted on them from "Fiddler on the Roof"
- plasticene mezuzahs for children's bedrooms
- clear plastic mezuzahs so you can see the scroll inside
- giant mezuzahs for synagogues (I assume)

Anyway, I found a small house-sized one with the Ten Commandments on it! This seems to me appropriate, as the Decalogue is something I really can claim as part of my tradition. It would seem a little strange to have Hebrew written on my door when I don't even read it. It seems to be common enough not to read Hebrew - no-one in the shops even looked surprised when I asked for translations of what is written on the outside of the cases.

In one place I was labelled as a "non-serious" mezuzah buyer - the man in the shop said you get the case for free when you buy the scroll. I asked if he had any more decorative cases (he only had the clear plastic ones) and he kind of sniffed and acted like I was more concerned with appearances than with the scroll inside - which is true, in a way.

So in our family mezuzah (the word just means "door post") has inside it a scroll which I typed with four Bible verses on it. The two traditional ones from Deuteronomy:

Deut 6:4-9 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 11:18-21 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.

I also wanted two other ones from the Psalms which seemed appropriate:

Psalm 139:1-3, 8-10 You have searched me, LORD,and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn,if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

Psalm 121:8 The LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

Amen! So there we have it - our family mezuzah. I must say that Dean has been very understanding about all of this. Not every atheist husband would help his non-Jewish wife put up the family mezuzah!

Still feeling too well...

2007-05-02T17:06:00.000+10:00

I still feel too well - maybe I won't really believe in this pregnancy until I start to feel sick. The symptoms I do have:

- sore breasts
- feeling thirsty all the time
- having to wee all the time
- lots of strange dreams of no particular theme
- having to sleep about ten hours a night
- having cravings for raw oysters, wine, pate and soft serve ice-cream. Not all at once. I don't usually eat these things, but I think psychological effect of knowing I can't have them makes me want them! Runny eggs are a totally different problem - I usually have them every day and I don't know how I can survive eight months without them!

On the bright side, Mel tells me that women who eat chocolate in pregnancy have more settled babies. I can see that. If I had no chocolate for eight months I wouldn't be very settled, so neither would the baby!

My weight is stable, and my gym instructor says I can continue with my current program as long as I watch my back. When I'm ready he says I'll need to switch to something less intense but for now I'm fine.

I've got a secret...

2007-05-01T16:54:00.000+10:00

It is very strange being pregnant and not able to tell anyone. After last time I've learned my lesson, and I'm just telling immediate family and special friends like Mel, Olivia and Barb. And of course all the world who chooses to read my online posts, but that's not the same!

Actually it is nice to be able to go onto CHFWeb and talk about it as much as I like, since I can't talk about it much otherwise. It's weird, I get the urge to go into shops and just tell people at random "Oh, I can't eat that - pregnant you know".

I've also done some rapid calculations and found out that the baby is due on Jan 1st! Happy New Year! But if it comes early, it could still be born on Christmas Day. Special present!

This also means that I would be 36 weeks pregnant for the Great Victorian Bike Ride - probably not the best idea for camping and bike riding.

I will be 12 weeks pregnant and probably vomiting the entire time we are in Germany.

I will never be a bikini model or stick insect and wear fashionable clothes again. I will never fit into the kind of dresses I always told myself that with diet and exercise I might one day wear. It is weird, I never wanted to dress like that when I was young enough to, but now that I know I never will it is still like grieving something I have lost, even though I know intellectually I never would have...

Maybe I'm too selfish to be a parent - all I can think about is how this is going to change my life forever.

We're having a baby!

2007-04-29T16:46:00.000+10:00

We are finally having a baby! (So the surgery and even the uneven scar were all worth it after all!)

I waited a week to be sure, and then a few more days. It seems kind of silly, but I wanted to tell my mum first, so I waited to be sure she was home from Italy before doing the test. So first thing on Sunday morning (8:30am) I did a test and Dean and I watched it turn positive together! I was amazed that he had even worked out the due date for if we were pregnant this month - I don't know how he did it! I know I just did it on a "wheel" which we have for this at work, but he worked it out manually - isn't that sweet?

So I rang my mum and told her, and she said "Now Dean will have to wrap you in bubble bath!" There was a moment of confusion until she clarified - it was bubble wrap she had in mind.

Dean's mum, typically enough, said "What took you so long?" and thinks that I should have a boy. I told her it wasn't up to me. (But in my heart of hearts I hope we have a girl.)

I feel so well, it seems almost unreal. I don't feel sick, although I am tired, and hungry all the time. Not to mention having to wee all the time... But I don't feel sick. This does worry me a bit, because last time I didn't feel sick either, and they do say that morning sickness means a good healthy pregnancy taking hold. I guess I want the best of both worlds - just enough sickness so that I know it is real, but not enough to stop me doing what I want to do!

Easter!

2007-04-10T16:35:00.000+10:00

This year Orthodox and heterodox (that's the rest of us) have Easter on the same weekend, unfortunately. These "overlap" years are the most stressful and I always feel like a headless chook, running around from one thing to the next.

Since I have been going to the Antiochian Orthodox church, I decided to go to their Easter services. Since I am not becoming Orthodox, this is probably my only chance to hear it all in English. Actually it was lovely, if very long.

My favourite part is the lighting of the candles at "the light of the world has come back into the world" at midnight on Saturday. There were other interesting parts too, when everyone leaves the church and has to knock to come back in. The person inside asks three times "Who is the King of the World?" and the priest and congregation affirm three times that it is Jesus Christ, the Risen Lord, before we are all allowed into the church again.

After the Saturday night service there was lots of food, including Easter Eggs! I wasn't the only one hanging out for some chocolate. It was all very symbolic, picturesque and moving, probably all the more so since I know now that I will not be joining.

Stitches out and results day

2007-03-27T16:28:00.000+10:00

Tonight I went back to Peter to have my stitches out and get the results of the laparoscopy. Dean couldn't come at the last minute, but rang to tell me at 7pm that he wasn't going to make the 7pm appointment. Somehow this annoyed me more than if he never called at all. Still, realistically speaking I was never going to be happy if he couldn't make it. I still think it sucks to be the girl.

Peter pulled the stitches out, which hurt a lot too. I must be a complete softy - all these procedures I do daily and tell people "just a little sting, hold still now", but when they happen to me they really hurt! To add insult to injury - he didn't even sew me up straight! The scar is shelved on one side and not even symmetrical. I could have done a better job myself, let alone if Dean had done it. This had all better be worth it.

The results were three photos taken through the scope. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder - Peter said they were lovely and normal, but they look like someone's insides to me. I was still too annoyed with Dean to want to show him the pictures, but I did anyway, and he agreed that they looked completely normal.

Three more cycles of Clomid and we'll see. If this doesn't work, then we really are looking at complete IVF, which I always said I didn't want to do. Ah well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

Being a patient again...

2007-03-24T16:17:00.000+11:00

Yesterday I went for surgery - the surgery I never wanted to have and hoped never to need. I really hate being a patient, and knowing that I am "sick" (or at least not as well as I think I should be) and having to have something done by other people. I just want to be normal and healthy and not to have to deal with all this.

Anyway, I went to work in the morning as usual, and that was fine. I guess it was good for me to have something to do rather than just sit around trying not to think about how much I want a cup of tea and can't have one.

I was admitted at midday, and then spent the next three hours sitting around in a patient gown waiting for my turn. Dean came with me right down to the operating theatre. The anaesthetist put in the IV (I didn't realize it hurt so much!) and then told me to keep my eyes open as long as I could. I remember staring at the overhead lights and then they went wavery around the edges...

I woke up to hear a nurse saying "She's still very groggy" and I thought "Damn straight" and went back to sleep.

I woke up again back on the ward, with my left arm all in pins and needles from having been leaned on while I was asleep. It made me realize how a GA is different from normal sleep. Usually I wake up and change position before my ulnar nerve gets pinched too badly - this happens to me on and off - but this was numbness worse than I have ever had before.

I was nauseated but not in pain, and the nurse gave me a third medication to take the edge off - ondansetron! This is the stuff I used to prescribe for cancer patients having chemotherapy - I guess that's the nice thing about being a private patient! Now I now why they all like it so much!

I finally convinced the nurse I could go home, by eating two triangles of sandwich and gritting my teeth and smiling. On getting home last night, of course I was terribly sick again - I'm just surprised I survived the car trip!

Still, today I feel better, although a little sore still. Now I just have to cross my fingers and hope it all works! I don't get the results until next week.

Orthodoxy Conclusion...

2007-03-22T16:07:00.000+11:00

I had a long chat with Barb today, and talking really does help me to process my thoughts. It was only while talking to her that I realized that I have already decided not to become Orthodox. I don't think I can explain it well here, but here are some of the reasons:

- I can be Anglican, and Emerging Church, and go to Taize services and pray with candles and icons and... But if I became Orthodox I would have to be Orthodox alone, since they won't tolerate eclecticism of this kind.

- Being Orthodox means accepting the whole box and dice, as explained by the Orthodox church. This means accepting that women can't be ministers, not for any theological reasons, but just because there never have been.

- Being Orthodox means accepting traditions as well as Tradition. Most people can't tell the difference, so in practice every church has a whole bunch of rules about "the way we do things here" and it is impossible to tell which of these are "real" from God inspired things, and which are just human and man-made things. If you are truly Orthodox you don't ask.

- Being Orthodox means essentially being "frozen" when Byzantium fell, which in my opinion, means becoming increasingly irrelevant and disconnected to live as people live it now. The discordance between everyday life and church life will be continuously widening. This is in many ways the complete opposite to the Emerging Church, which seeks to meet people where they are. In terms of evangelism, ministry and connecting with people, I know where I can more comfortably and usefully be.

So it is with some sadness that I acknowledge that I cannot be Anglican and Emerging Church and Taize and Orthodox - because the Orthodox won't allow it. So I will take some of the lovely symbols and traditions from orthodoxy and incorporate them into my own faith but I will never actually be Orthodox myself.

Strangely enough, Dean seems somewhat relieved that my little exploration of Orthodoxy is over. He thought it was weird that I was interested, then concerned that I might join it, now relieved that I have decided not to. I don't know why this is the case, but I hope it is because he likes Solace and would rather join there than become Orthodox again!

What is the Lunette and why do I love it?

2007-03-05T12:36:00.000+11:00

It's about time I told you about my menstrual cup. Warning for the squeamish - this gets a bit medical!

The Lunette is one of a variety of menstrual cups which sits inside of you to collect your monthly flow. It looks like an upside-down bell shaped piece of silicone (medical grade, thank you) which sits inside the vagina and "catches" the mentrual flow before it leaves the body. Medical grade silicone is the stuff used in heart valves and joint replacements, so I have no concerns placing it inside my body temporarily. Because it is the contact with air which makes old blood smell, there is no odour. Unlike tampons which absorb all the normal vaginal fluids, there is no dryness or scratchiness which I used to think was a normal part of having a period.

Tampons are also associated with TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome) which has never been documented in association with menstrual cups. I suspect that this is because menstrual cups don't interfere as much with the normal vaginal immune defences, and keep the normal environment of the vagina as uncompromised as possible.

The cup is also better for the global environment, as well as my internal environment. Tampons and pads are going into landfill at a rate of 7 billion and 12 billion a year (respectively) in the US alone! Finally, cost. One cup costs about AUD $45 and lasts for at least ten years. As opposed to approximately $5 per month for a box on tampons. I figure, even with postage, the cup has already earned its keep at under a year of use!

Cups are not a new invention, and apparently their history goes back as far as 1867! I had never heard of them before, but now that I have, I plan to spread the word! The full history is linked to a research page here: http://www.labyrinth.net.au/~obsidian/clothpads/Cups_history.html

So from a subjective (user's) point of view: Why do I love it?

It's convenient: I only have to empty and wash mine twice a day. I usually do this in the morning and before bed, so I don't have to muck about with it at work. If you have a really really heavy period you might have to empty it more often, but still less than with tampons. A cup holds about 25 mls, and a normal menstrual flow for a whole cycle is about 100mls. The manufacturers say you should empty it at least every 12 hours, but I often go 24 hours, and once I left mine in 48 hours with no harm done.

It's inexpensive for me and for the environment: I bought one Lunette (imported from Finland) for a total of just under $50, and I have bought one single box of tampons since. This saves me money, and saves the environment.

It is comfortable: I never imagine that I could feel happy dancing, camping and cycling during my period. I even forget sometimes that I have my period! The cup is so comfortable to wear, I can't feel it when it is in, and there's no string. Getting it in and out doesn't scrape me dry and there is no irritation from the bleach used on tampons.

Fewer cramps: I don't know how or why this is the case, but I have noticed that I have a lot less abdominal cramping since using the cup. Many other women have noticed this as well. I can't explain it, but I'm not complaining!

The main downside: It did take some getting used to. The insertion and removal can be a bit tricky and does involved some fiddling around. It took me probably three cycles before I felt really 100% confident with getting it in and out and checking for leaks. I found the most useful advice was here, in the menstrual cup community of livejournal: http://community.livejournal.com/menstrual_cups/

Other useful links:
http://www.labyrinth.net.au/~obsidian/clothpads/Cups.html (the journal of an Australian woman who has done a lot of research into this issue!)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Menstrual_cup (wikipedia)
divacup.com is the main US company which has a good FAQ page, and some TSS information

Cup companies:
http://www.lunette.fi/english_index.html menstrual_cups (I got a Lunette and love it!)
http://www.mooncup.co.uk/
http://www.divacup.com/ (This company has a one year money back guarantee)
http://www.thekeeper.com/ (makes both silicone cups and rubber (latex) NOT recommended because of potential allergy problems)

with thanks to "Broken Angel" and to "Obsidian" of the menstrual cup community at livejournal

How do I decide when to write?

2007-03-04T13:12:00.000+11:00

I have realized that I write for several reasons:
- when I have something which I need to think through and process
- when I have something interesting to say or record
- when I am learning a lot or having contact with new ideas

I don't write when:
- I am very busy living out the above
- I am very bored and have nothing to say or talk about

So, in the last month I have moved jobs, finished my fellowship for the RACP, started back to theology studies, taken up running, been on the Great Tasmanian Bike Ride, met with an architect about a house, been on my last cycle of Clomid, arranged a trip to Europe to see Helen and Sam and taken up teaching medical students at the Angliss.

So that's why I haven't written much!

Psalm 19 paraphrase - by beachpsalms from LJ

2007-01-19T14:53:00.000+11:00

Paraphrase of Psalm 19 by beachpsalms of LiveJournal (with permission)

The universe is telling the glory of God;
And the galaxies stand in clusters.
Day to day pours forth sunlight,
And night to night stand the stars in the sky.
There is no speech, nor are there words;
Space is a silent void;
Yet the light travels to us,
Travels to the end of the solar system.
Our small star, our Sun is at home on the western spiral arm
And our orbit is wed to it,
We hurtle, spinning together, joyous, like a carnival ride.
We spin, and the sun lights and warms this planet,
From endless day to endless night at the poles
And all the land and ocean in between.
The beauty of the galaxy revives our souls,our physics equations are complex and wise... and frequently wrong.
And yet the galaxies spin, the stars burn, the planets orbit
Dark matter lurks, light bends,
Quarks burn and Schrödinger’s cat is in the box
All unconcerned with our math and our measuring.

And still… matter likes matter
We are pulled together and towards God
Like moons orbit a planet
Like planets orbit the sun
This pull towards each other
Is unexplained, and undeniable
God’s creation is the universe: Vast, infinite
We are tiny – save us from believing we are the centre
We are loved – save us from feeling abandoned.
Keep us from insolence and pride
That we shall be humble and grateful.

And let our poetry and telescopes, math and music
Be acceptable to your heart
O Creator, the centre of our orbit.

Pacifism again...

2007-01-18T15:35:00.000+11:00

I am still wondering about pacifism. I think I agree with Richard Hays and Stanley Hauerwas that pacifism and overcoming evil with good is the Christian ideal, but I'm wondering if this can actually work in our fallen world? It might on a personal level, but how about on a social level? If good people do not resist, will not evil triumph?

Hays describes this fear as a lack of trust in God, and maybe it is. But doesn't God use US as his hands and feet in the world? If Christians do not defend the helpless, doesn't that make us part of the problem?

There is also the issue of abrogating responsibility. If we want laws enforced, rights upheld and innocent people protected, shouldn't we take some steps towards doing those things, rather than leaving all the work to others so we don't get our hands dirty? It is all very well to want to live in an orderly, law-abiding society, but how is that compatible with not wanting to be part of the army or police force? That smacks of hypocrisy.

If all Christians leave from the army/police force or whatever insitution we disapprove of, doesn't that just mean it will be entirely run by non-Christians? Is this an improvement?

I think as a social policy, pacifism might have a few bugs in it that need working out...

How do I spend my time?

2007-01-17T15:55:00.000+11:00

Thoughts with thanks to Kate Megill of CHFWeb.

There are so many days when I look back over my time I wonder "where on earth has this day gone?"
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by computer time.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by laundry.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by housework.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by spending time with my husband because sometimes he just needs to talk.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by reading.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by prayer, although I wish I had much more time to spend here.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up by ministry to others, either on the phone or an impromptu (or planned) visit with a friend in need.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up with my paid employment.
- Sometimes my time is eaten up with shopping, banking and other errands.

So, when I look back at the list above I see that my time is eaten up by the priorities God has for me! Which means the term "eaten up by" needs to be changed to "poured out for His Glory by". Now THAT puts a whole different perspective on things! When I view my time as being eaten up, it is because I am holding onto it as if it belonged to ME. But when I view my time as poured out for His Glory, it is because I'm seeing my life as belonging to God - and recognizing that if He wants to spend my time refolding the laundry that got folded and then knocked over, then that is up to HIM. My job is to walk in joy and thankfulness that I can have my life poured out as a drink offering to please Him in all I do. Thank you, Jesus, for the opportunity to love and serve and bless you in all I do. Now, if only I can figure out how to do that all the time, I'd be OK!

Thanks for this Kate - this is a great way of re-framing how we spend our time! I know for myself that I tend to be very "task focused" and to see time spent chatting with friends or just sitting with my husband or in contemplative prayer as time "wasted", when really I should be valuing time spent on people rather than tasks!

Article on Orthodoxy

2007-01-16T13:59:00.000+11:00

Interesting article was posted on the Orthodoxy board today:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2006/december/30.40.html

I felt like cheering! I don't think most of the "real Orthodox" liked it as much though. The article points out that Orthodoxy hasn't contextualized its faith and liturgy in the modern world and hasn't figured out how to relate to unchurched people. He calls for increased evangelical fervour in the Orthodox church and an increasingly self-critical view of the accretions of Orthodoxy. Most of all, he calls for dialogue between the Orthodox and the rest of Christendom - Oh yes!

Called to prayer - why?

2007-01-16T13:46:00.000+11:00

I am a complete idiot. You might not think it to look at me, but I am. I let myself get terribly sunburnt last week, and now the daily pain in my arms and legs reminds me that I am an idiot. I have decided that pointless, unintentional, self-inflicted pain does not bring a person closer to God. It just hurts. Still, it is probably good in itself for me to be reminded that I am an idiot.

One unforseen consequence of all this (I mean, all of it was unforseen, but this is more unforseen than the rest) is that I can't jog in the mornings at the moment. Every step jolts my swollen and burning skin terribly so that I can hardly walk. I deserve every moment of it, and no sympathy at all, I realize that, but what about the effect on my prayer life?

My prayer rule has been jogging around the oval and singing/praying/reciting as I go. The running keeps my thoughts in rhythm and focused in a way that just sitting on the edge of the bed fails to do. I was nearly frantic thinking that I was going to lose my impetus to pray because of a stupid accident!

I should not have worried. I should have realized that when God closes off the oval, he opens a glove box. I found my prayer beads again, which I used to use in the car but at some point left in the glove box and forgot about. Now, the large beads are the Lord's Prayer, the small beads are songs or prayers or people to pray for. This works even better than jogging, and is a lot more portable. I feel like I am rediscovering ancient rituals.

The strange side effect is that I find myself praying almost obsessively. I have turned off the radio and abandoned my talking books completely. The drive to work seems too short to pray for everyone, and I only get about halfway through my prayer rule and am tempted to sit in the car rather than go inside. Prayer is taking up sometimes hours a day, if all the little odd moments of prayer got put together.

These are not exactly deep or profound prayers either. I am not asking God for things, usually, or thanking Him either. I am not quite sure what the "point" of all this prayer activity is, but it almost getting to the stage of a compulsion. I could refuse, so I know I am not developing OCD, but I still don't know why I do it. What good is prayer anyway?

Comparing Liturgies

2007-01-15T14:38:00.000+11:00

Yesterday at Solace we had a Liturgy service! How unusual! It came at a good time for me, though, allowing me to compare first-hand the Anglican/Solacian liturgy with the Antiochian Orthodox Divine Liturgy.

In many ways, the substance was remarkably similar. This is not coincidental, I realize. The Anglican service preserves much of the original ideas from the Orthodox form, but re-framed for a modern time and new styles of thought. Some of the original prayers written for the Solace community are heart-stopping stuff too! I love these words of Jude's:

Let me be used by you or laid aside for you...

Scary to think that being laid aside could also be the will of God! This whole prayer is a fantastic example of how modern prayers in our own context and "voice" can help us speak out the thoughts of our hearts.

On the other hand the whole "group confession" thing just left me cold. Having now experienced the crucible of personal confession in the presence of a spiritual father - the whole group "think for a moment in silence" just doesn't cut it. There is no motivation to do the "hard work" of repentance, or even of serious self-examination. The opportunity is offered, but there is no structure or impetus to use it well and no accountability afterwards. As for group absolution - I'm sorry, but that just doesn't work well at all. There is no sense of actual contact between the personal sins and the impartial forgiveness - it is all too easy. The pressure, the discomfort of naming and owning sins out loud in the presence of another person is somehow necessary to the process.

I don't think the Catholic system of anonymous confession would work for me either. The whole point about being anonymous makes it comfortable, and indifferent. It would presumably be hard for a priest to hold anyone accountable for their penances if they don't even know who you are! Also, how can someone speak sensibly into my life and give serious spiritual advice when they don't know me from Adam? I would not take random advice from the most well-meaning of strangers - why would I take advice from a stranger I can't even see?

I suppose I am realizing again that to modify the Liturgy and alter the tradition risks losing the accumulated wisdom of the ages that this is the best and most useful way of doing it. But sometimes the risk is gain, and Jude's lovely prayer is part of that. Can I have both? I want both!

Unequal yokes

2007-01-14T13:22:00.000+11:00

Today at lunch I heard part of conversation about marriage, in particular, "mixed" marriages between a Christian and a non-Christian. I thought I was over this issue, that I had dealt with it and moved on, but apparently not.

I just wanted to leap up and grab this girl by the throat and tell her "What are you thinking? Do you want to ruin your life?" And yet I know that this would not be a fair reflection either. I don't know her, I don't know her situation, I don't know the man she is involved with. Besides, she could quite rightly say "Look at your life - it wasn't ruined by your marriage! Far from it!" Which would also be true. As Uncle Bill keeps telling us, we are the "perfect role model couple", which tells me that Uncle Bill doesn't know the half of what is really going on in our lives.

The whole topic still makes me very uncomfortable, and yet I feel a sort of duty to warn her. Since I now have intimate and detailed knowledge of exactly why God forbids Christians to marry non-Christians, surely I have a responsibility to try to open her eyes to the consequences of her decision? And yet, I know that when others tried to tell me, I didn't listen either.

Also, my life is not exactly a testimony to the dreadful things which happen in an unequally yoked marriage. We are happy, there is no abuse and little conflict, we don't fight over tithing to church anymore, Dean even comes along to church sometimes.

But how can I describe to her the deep grief of knowing that my partner in life doesn't share my most precious desires, the goals that motivate my life and give me purpose? How can I tell her that the love of my life, I can only have with me for thirty or forty years, and then may never see again? How can I tell her the despair that comes of writing my deepest spiritual insights and excitement over growing closer to God in a public online diary which others will read and understand, but my own husband won't? That we can't pray together, that I don't feel comfortable praying at home at all? That I sometimes fear my husband thinks I am crazy for "waiting on God"? That our world-views are so different? That when I see the beauty of God's Creation, he sees only nature at work. That where I know God is working miracles, he sees only coincidence and self-delusion.

How can I explain to her that when I think about the conflicts of raising children in our home, I sometimes feel that God is right not to give us children. How can I tell her about the sleepless nights of prayer, and yes, the sleepless nights of hopeless crying? How can I explain that even though I know I am forgiven by God and blessed despite what I have done, that I still must live with the consequences of my actions? That my own choices in life have lead me to a place where I know I can only give God my second-best service?

How can I tell her that this is not God's best for her life, and that if she will only submit herself to Him, that God will give her everything her heart needs. That might be through the gift of marriage or through the gift of singleness, but at least she would know that she had been truly faithful to God's vision for her, and not always wonder what her life might have been...

Richard Hays and pacifism

2007-01-13T11:34:00.000+11:00

I have been reading Richard Hays "NT ethics" as recommended by Keith. He suggested that I would find Hays interesting on the topic of divorce and remarriage, which I did, but then I was interested enough to go on and read his section on violence and pacifism as well. I was horrified to realize that everything I thought I understood about this topic was wrong! I wrote an entire essay on how Bonhoeffer was completely justified in trying to place a bomb under Hitler and that Tolstoy and Ghandi were misguided idealists.

I realize now that I was overly impressed with long lists of references in other languages and that my thoughts were seduced by intricate arguments, all extensively footnoted. Betz and Guerlich marshalled and paraded clever ideas derived from intricate word studies and studies of the times which I could not possibly challenge. And yet, I was vaguely uneasy even then that these towering intellects did not themselves quite agree. In the end, I sided with Betz over Guerlich and said that Christians should participate in "just wars" and in defense of the innocent.
But now I love Richard best! His writing style is much plainer than the other two, deceptively easy to read and he leaves all the footnotes to the end of the chapter, where you can ignore them if you like. His strength is in his insistence in contextualizing verses, and he has some very sharp things to say about the practice of "decontexualized proof-texting"! He places the verses he is examining within the context of the Gospel, within the setting of the whole New Testament, and against the background of the Old Testament and the Jewish culture of the early church. He doesn't go in for tortured reasons, just looks at the most probably meaning in the context, to the author and the immediate audience. It is amazingly different to what I have read before.

He makes a very powerful argument that all Christians should be pacifists, on the basis of the teaching from Matthew 5:39 But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. This is exactly the verse I wrote my first essay on! But now I realize that Hays did a much better job...

- he demonstrates that Matthew did not think the world was ending, so this is not an "interim ethic".
- he demonstrates that Matthew did not think this was an impossible ideal intended to show us how great our need is for the mercy and grace of God, or for something to aspire to in eternity but not achievable in the here and now.
- he demonstrates that Matthew did not think this was something for "special" Christians or for disciples who were more holy than the rest of us, but a teaching for everyone.

Having talked about how this teaching applies to us today, he then went on to discuss the other reasons for Christian pacifism:
- the example of Jesus not letting himself be defended with a sword, but instead allowing the innocent to suffer (himself) and leaving his own justification in God's hands.
- the words of Jesus who restrains the disciples when they want to inflict punishment on a town which ignored their teaching, and says that God will judge.
- numerous examples from the teachings of Paul about "as far as it rests with you, live at peace".
- the calling of Christians to do good to enemies, even in the face of persecution.
- the calling of Christians to overcome evil with good, not to fight evil with evil.

This last point reminds me very strongly of CS Lewis's point about "forgiving enemies". That we know we are supposed to forgive our own enemies, but that we feel justified in hating enemies of the innocent because of insufficient identification. He proposes that we identify with the victims just enough to make their enemies detestable to us, but not enough to make their enemies our enemies and therefore suitable recipients of love and forgiveness.

Very challenging!

Lord's Prayer - 2

2007-01-12T16:01:00.000+11:00

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

I always thought this line was rather strange, because if God cannot be tempted by evil and we are told that God does not tempt us to do evil, why should we pray for God not to do what He already said He would not do? I have developed a few theories about what this might mean:

1) Since God knows what our weaknesses are, and the areas in which each of us is likely to experience temptation, perhaps this prayer is asking the Lord to protect us from ourselves and to shield us from our own areas of weakness? In this case, the deliver us from evil part would be to deliver us from the fallen sin nature which already exists within us.

2) It might also refer to providing us with an escape route, if we should fall into temptation. The idea that God does not test us to destruction, but always provides a way out.

3) It could also be a prayer for protection against the Evil One, and to avoid the kind of testing through temptation that Job suffered at his hands. This seems the least likely to me, but it is possible, and some translations make it appear that this version would fit, though not mine.

Not sure which is the best understanding, although the first one has its appeal right at the moment. I am still thinking a lot about confession and repentance, and asking the Lord to deliver me from the temptations and evil which I already have within myself would fit this prayer very well right now. As they say, if the cap fits...

As Paul describes, I think we all have our thorn to bear, and we all have our temptations and areas of weakness which are particular to us. I am thinking much more reflectively about this now that I have to bring it to confession - it is a very good spur to thought! Being aware of my own areas of weakness also means that I can see patterns in my life of falling into particular sins, and I hope this awareness will help me to avoid such sins in the future.

Confession is incredibly useful - I can't believe so many traditions seem to have got rid of it! The process of specific reflection, verbal acknowledgement and confession of sins is incredibly powerful, and of course, so is receiving absolution. But the process of confessing to a spiritual guide, in and of itself, is amazingly powerful. The naming of sin out loud is difficult and painful, naturally (and so it should be) but so instructive! It really does shine a bright light into the dark places, and reminds me that no place is too dark for God to enlighten with His forgiveness - praise the Lord!

Exploring Orthodoxy, for real.

2007-01-11T13:28:00.000+11:00

I woke up this morning and decided to become a catechumen.

Somehow everything seemed to have crystallized while I slept - the things I have been talking about on the LJ boards, my discussions and experiences with Father Geoff, my conversation with Olivia yesterday. Somehow Father Geoff's question is still going around in my head "Why don't you engage fully with Orthodoxy?" The talk with Olivia helped me to realize that the answer is "No good reason".

I guess two of the major worries which have held me back so far have been that I was hesitant to get too involved with Orthodoxy out of a sense of "loyalty" to Solace. Talking with Olivia has made me realize that to think like this is to do a disservice both to Orthodoxy and to Solace. Is Orthodoxy so dreadfully exclusive that they would want me to cut all ties to other communities? Is Solace so closed that they would stop me exploring other faith traditions? Of course, neither is true.

The other hesitation I had was about Orthodoxy being so unapproachable to others and not evangelistic. I am not going to any church where my husband and parents can't feel comfortable. In the Greek Orthodox churches I always felt that it was a terrible shame that they have this great treasure of rich tradition, but hide it inside a Byzantine architecture and behind another language, so that people have to navigate the obstacles to get inside. I realize of course that it is unreasonable to expect Orthodoxy to change - that's the point of being Orthodox, in some ways. The problem remains that for "normal" people to understand Orthodoxy is difficult.

Then I remembered Gordon, from my university days. Wonderful, devoted, selfless Gordon who took literally hundreds of hours away from his Master's thesis to spend them hashing over spiritual issues with me. We met every week and talked for hours about God, the Bible, life and philosophy. I can't remember one tenth of what he said, but I remember being impressed with him and with his faith. He was a thoughtful person who was not afraid to say he didn't understand, if it was true, and not afraid to say what he really thought on any topic, even if he knew I wouldn't like it. I left quite a few of our sessions deeply disturbed, but he never gave up on me and was always willing to come back and talk again.

I don't think he ever expected our conversations to come to anything. I suppose he was content to plant the seed and let God do the rest, but I am glad that about five years later I had the chance to meet him again, and thank him for his investment of time in me. He visited our church on a day when I was singing, so I could see him sneak in the back. He seemed a bit stunned to find out that I had become a Christian - I guess I must have been harder on him in those conversations than I had realized.

Gordon was my bridge person. He met me where I was, and showed me the way into the church. Once in the church, a variety of people have been mentors and guides along the way, but without Gordon I wouldn't have been around to know. God bless him, wherever he is now.

I think Father Geoff is another bridge person. He is able to see the journey I am on now, he has probably walked a similar path himself, and he is able to show me the way. All that rich tradition and deep faith and history - I have great hopes that he will be able to induct me into it all, and I can't wait! Maybe once I understand it better, I can become a bridge for others too.

Orthodoxy - a way of life

2007-01-10T13:54:00.000+11:00

Once again I am "realizing" a truth that I thought I already knew, certainly one I would always have said I ascribed to and understood. And yet, now I am coming to make it real in my life in a different way. (Side note: I have not had such an intense time of spiritual growth since I first became a Christian.)

Since starting to explore Orthodoxy I have come to see that the Orthodox faith n particular is a lived experience and a way of life. It is not something to talk about, to read, to study, to think and learn about, though all of those things can help. Primarily it is something to be lived, to be walked, to be acted out and experienced.

I think I have been pandered to by the evangelistic tradition. Reading, writing, thinking and study are my natural ways of engaging with new thoughts. Talking with others is also a natural engagement technique for me. The evangelistic tradition encourages and uses these things - study and talk, read and write, think and talk some more.

Oh yes, and pray about it too.

Which captures the problem. The areas in which I am weak have not been touched or challenged at all. The emotional, symbolic, sacramental, supernatural, ritual, musical, penitential and sacrificial parts of my life have been barely scratched. Since the Western tradition of spirituality does not access these kinds of spirituality nearly as much, I didn't realize how stunted I am in these ways.

Solace has helped me experience new things in some of these areas, particularly that of seeking the spirit which I was very closed to before, and symbolic actions which I had very little experience of before. Funny, to think that the heart of the Christian sacraments and theology is communion, which is both a sacrament and a symbolic action, but that most of the other traditional symbolic actions have been lost to the Western church (or at least the bit of it that I have seen).

But the whole Orthodox Way (as Bishop Kallistos Ware calls it) is about a lived experience. Prayer, fasting, the Divine Liturgy, Confession, Communion are all symbolic actions or experiences to live out. Similarly, the only way to truly experience the full richness of the Orthodox tradition is to do these things. No amount of discussion, theory or talking about it conveys the truth - it is a Way, and unless you are on it, you can't know it fully. (Is this what they mean about having the "mind"?)

I wonder if it is for this reason that all the discussions on the LJ board end up with "ask your priest" because the priest is the Spiritual Father and guide for each member, and it is under his guidance that the topics of discussion will be played out, and it is only when it is done that it can be understood.

It is only in praying the prayers that I can understand what they mean. Only in experiencing the Divine Liturgy that I can see the beauty in it. Simple acts such as kneeling for prayer (I've never really done that) or in having a regular prayer "rule" or lighting a candle, or in confessing before an actual person, these are deeply meaningful actions which can only be emotionally engaging when being carried out. Reading about the spiritual significance of kneeling before God is just not the same, talking to someone about the theory of fasting is nothing like actually doing it.

Of course, the down side is the incense! That's the experience I could live without...

Exploring Orthodoxy Revisited

2007-01-09T15:40:00.000+11:00

Oh dear. I think I said in my last post about Orthodoxy that I had practically decided not to become Orthodox, which I had. That was then...

Now I can't stop thinking about Father Geoff's questions: What is it that stops you from becoming Orthodox? Is it that their faith is empty?

As soon as he named it, from my various inarticulate phrases, I realized two things. That yes, he is right and one of my main hesitations comes from my perception that the Orthodox church is full of "nominal" Christians who don't really live their faith. And secondly that this is a terribly judgemental attitude to have, and not a good reason anyway.

I keep coming around and around and back to the same issue. I feel called, fascinated, intrigued and attracted by many features of the Orthodox church and the Orthodox faith. Something calls to my heart and soul, something incredibly attractive and stable about standing on a faith which is unchanged in essentials for thousands of years.

At the same time I am terrified that I will have to give up so much, leave so much behind and learn a whole new way of life. I have so many reasons (not necessarily good reasons, but reasons nonetheless) for why I like my church and I like my life the way it is. I have friends, a chance to do good works, a minister we both respect - I have a life already!

And yet...

Holiness, is what I long for

2007-01-08T15:29:00.000+11:00

I am continuing my "prayer rule" such as it is. So far I have the Lord's prayer and two songs. The new one which I can't get out of my head (reminds me of Paul's injunction to pray continuously) is:

Holiness, Holiness is what I long for.
Holiness, is what I need.
Holiness, Holiness is what you want from me.
So take my heart and form it.
Take my mind, transform it,
Take my will conform it, to yours, to yours, oh Lord.

It seems a little trite written down, but it expresses the urge I feel to not only use this time for "waiting" whatever that means, but to use it for preparation, for purification, for something which will be shown to me, in God's time.

Interestingly, on Sunday we had a session which lead me to think about holiness. The holiness of the OT was about purity and separation, about being set apart and dedicated to serve God and having no other priorities. I crave that "inward holiness".

But also the holiness of Jesus and of the New Testament is an "outward holiness" which translates into acts of justice, healing and mercy. It is a holiness which rebukes legalism and rebukes the burdens which men lay on each other, even to the extent of calling those hypocritical men "snakes and vipers". I need this kind of holiness too.

I can't help wondering if this is the difference between Solace (and the Protestant church in general) having the focus on "outwardly turned holiness" while the traditional and Orthodox churches focus more in "inward holiness". This is a gross generalization, and of course all churches do both to some extent, but still, I wonder...

Confession experience

2007-01-07T15:10:00.000+11:00

OK - I went to the Vespers service on Saturday night and hung around afterwards for confession. I had assumed that I would be confessing to the priest (Father Geoff) but he told me that the confession is to Jesus, and that I should face the icon and make my confession to God, and he would just listen and pray for me. That wasn't exactly what I had expected, but seemed reasonable (besides, I didn't exactly want to look at him while confessing). The process was both easier and harder than I had expected.

It was harder than I had thought because somehow saying it out loud in front of another person, and a holy person too, made the naming of the sins much worse. He was great about it though, and neither attempted to "lighten" my sins or to make me feel worse about it. He just accepted what I said and agreed that my sins were serious, but not beyond the power of God to forgive.

It was easier too, in a way, because the confession became more of a dialogue. I was worried that I would be expected to produce a long list of stuff and he would listen impassively, but it wasn't like that at all. He asked for clarification about some points, such as "so is this a current concern or something from the past?" and gave direction about what was "really sin" and what was just consequences of past sin. He also gave advice, so that part of the confession became more like a discussion about how to deal with sin and what I might find helpful.

He didn't seem to be going to give me a penance, but I asked for one. He said he doesn't always give a penance, but that he could think of one if I liked. I said that I would leave it up to him. Then something funny happened. He said that he had this little thought pop into his head that I should become Orthodox! He said he wasn't going to set it as a penance (that would not be appropriate) but that it was a thought. As a penance, he wants me to take the Catechism classes, which won't be starting until after Easter. Actually that is probably too easy, as I was planning to do that anyway.

So after that he gave me absolution (which I wasn't sure if he was going to, since I'm not "really" Orthodox) and explained about kissing the stole and we said a prayer off the printed card. I can't really describe what it "felt" like, but I can say that it was powerful and that God was there. I don't exactly feel different - I'm still a sinful person and I didn't get through even half of what I wanted to confess, though I made the two main points I wanted to talk about. He didn't rush me out at all, but I was too exhausted to do more. Half an hour appears to be my limit for intense confession. I cried, of course, as I often do in the presence of God - I hope that didn't disturb Father Geoff. He appeared to take it very calmly and just waited without attempting to talk or touch me. (Good idea and in line with what I learned in psychiatry too.)

Afterwards I felt tired, emptied out, relieved. I felt like I had gone in with a head full of stuff and was able to pour it out and leave it behind. I didn't exactly feel as "forgiven" as I had expected, but certainly lighter of some burdens! I think I will need to go a few more times to get it all out, but I am keen to go again somehow, even though a little frightened of what other penances he might give me. It is going to take me at least six months to get through this one!

OK - I have finally started writing!

2007-01-06T14:13:00.000+11:00

New Year, new blog!

I have finally started a separate blog to write my medical stories. Actually, this is my second attempt at medical writing. The first was waaaay to dark and cynical and I did not really enjoy writing it. I think I did about five entries - it is probably out there somewhere.

But this time I want to write it how I see it. How it really is to be a doctor, in all its weird wonderful and sometimes bloody detail. You have been warned! Find it all here:

http://diaryofadoctor.blogspot.com/

Returning to my first love

2007-01-05T12:13:00.000+11:00

I remember when I first became a Christian, I was very black and white. The Bible was full of answers, of surety, of promises and reassurances. I was enthusiastic, unstoppable, tactless and naive. It was a simple time.

Questions, complications, unanswered prayer, unanswerable questions, theological debate and doubt. Moving into complexity was difficult, but necessary. The simple black and white no longer satisfied me, and I moved into a world with shades of grey.

Apart from a few moments in the sun, most of my life is lived in the greyness now. This is a good thing, I think. I see nuances, shades of meaning, delicacy, tension and balance which I would not have understood previously. I thought for a while that my early naivety was a phase to be got over as quickly as possible. I heard one older priest say "New converts should be stuck in a barrel for ten years, until they get over it!"

Now I wonder. Everyone goes through that "first fire" stage. It seems to be somehow necessary. John in Revelation Ch 2 talks about how they seem to have lost that first love, as if it were a good thing which is now gone, rather than a difficult phase which is now past.

Strangely, I feel it coming back now, in a rather different form. The love and desire I have to know God better is coming back just as strongly, but now in a more experienced mind which is able to bear complexity. I am equally keen to learn, to know God better, but less fixated on being able to understand it all, less sure that there are "right answers" to find.

I remember still, how distressed I was to hear a 70-year old Christian woman say that she was "still learning". "What!?" I gasped "You mean you don't understand it all yet?" I was horrified that you never "get the degree" in Christian living. That you never get it all right, get it all together and move on to teaching others, secure and sure in your own correctness. I wanted that surety!

Ha! It seems funny to me now to have ever wanted to be so sure. It sounds pompous and self-righteous to think that I could ever achieve that - I hope I was understood to be just shallow and naive instead. No, I prefer the uncertainty, the journey, the greyness, to the black and white end of the answer. It would be sad to reach the end of learning, for there to be an end to understanding, to reach the bottom of God's depths - presumptuous thought!

I find it infinitely more reassuring and exciting to know that our God is deep enough to swim in for our whole lives and never reach the bottom! To know that our God sees in endless shades of grey, and is not captured in any system of black and white rules, written down in any book, closed into any box in a pigeonhole on a shelf.

And it is this endless love of God (I believe) which protects new believers from knowing all this too early. The answers we are given then are the answers we need, and they are true and real and reassuring. As we grow into the bigger answers, start to see the shades of colour and variety which God has written into the world, then we see that our little answers go deeper than we realized and there is more yet to explore.

What an exciting God we live for!

The Lord's Prayer - 1

2007-01-04T11:58:00.000+11:00

I have been praying the Lord's Prayer every day (more or less) and once again it strikes me both what is in it, and what is not.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be your Name.

Since I sing the prayer as I learned it at school, I use the old language. I like this opening - it reminds me that God is sovereign, and it is in Him that I place my trust and obedience. How awesome, to come into the very presence of God! The one who made the heavens and the earth, the one who knows me and cares for little old me. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
More obedience - I feel like this is a theme for me at the moment. God's kingdom to come on earth - actually I find that hard to imagine. I was thinking this morning that God might be the ultimate communist: from each according to ability, to each according to need. It doesn't work in this fallen world because of human nature, which is to do as little as possible to get as much as possible. But God, who sees into the heart, could make it work. God can be fair without being equal, though it doesn't work very well for humans. Give us this day our daily bread.
Interesting that we are instructed to ask for something as ordinary and prosaic as bread. One translation has "give us all we need for living" but I prefer the more concrete version. I find it also interesting that we get to ask for bread. Not meat and beer or cakes and wine. Just what we need to survive. Extras can be applied for, and will be granted on their merits!

That's not to say that God is not generous. He is, and I have been showered with miracles, visions, answers to prayer greater than I could ever expected. But these were all very much "extras" and gifts, not basic needs. They were also to serve very definite purposes. God's guidance, equipping and encouragement when I needed them. They were not "luxuries" for personal enjoyment, just as St James predicted!

Funny - I have known the Lord's Prayer for most of my life, but there is still more in it to think about and discover. More later...

Waiting...

2007-01-03T11:54:00.000+11:00

Christmas is over - the singing, the celebrations, the eating - especially the eating. The New Year is here, resolutions made and (sort of) kept. Kept better than if I never made them, anyway.

Now, I am just waiting. Not sure what for, but definitely waiting. Seems an odd way to start a New Year, but there it is.

I feel like this is a preparation time, maybe for something really challenging? I feel more interested in spiritual things than I can remember being for a long time. I want to pray all the time, read the Bible more, learn more.

But I don't know why. I guess I'll just wait here then, shall I? Yeah, I guess so...

On Prayer

2006-12-30T14:42:00.000+11:00

I was asked to pray for a miracle for someone, for healing. Now, the whole reason we call them miracles is that they don't happen very often. So most of the time, most people who ask for miracles don't get them, otherwise they wouldn't be miracles, they would be what usually happens. So while I can ask God for a miracle, if it is not part of His will, then it won't happen.

So then I wondered what to pray? Should I pray for relief from pain? What if that means she dies? She is a Christian, so would that be a terrible thing? Maybe I should pray for her family to be loved and supported through her illness? But what if God's plan is to teach them something through this time of suffering?

So, in the end I prayed - God, your will be done in her life, in their lives and in my life. I asked for the miracle, if it be God's will, and returned to the thought that God's plan is the best plan - only He sees all, knows all and understands what is for the best.

Isn't this the essence of every prayer? Lord, this is what I want, but only if You want it too. Maybe every prayer should begin and end with "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done" and "not as I will, but as You will".

Once again, themes of submission to God and waiting on Him are becoming paramount in my life. Seeking His will for me and for others, asking for His guidance and direction, looking for the direction of the Holy Spirit. I do not think it is coincidence that at this time my desire for God seems to be increasing also. I can't remember being this excited about the presence of God since I first became a Christian - then too, I wanted to read all and only about God, to learn and to talk about God, to find out what God wanted me to do and to do it, whatever the cost. It is strange, but wonderful, to be returning to my first love for God, after all these years!

Confession

2006-12-30T13:31:00.000+11:00

In my eagerness to try new spiritual disciplines, I asked Father Geoff of the local Orthodox parish, if I could come to confession. He asked me to think in advance of what I would like to confess - sounded reasonable enough.

At first I couldn't think of anything. I said something not exactly 100% true the other day, but it avoided a long explanation - is that a sin worth confessing? I ate more chocolate over Christmas than was strictly good for me - is that a sin? I let myself get annoyed the other day, I went to work late... Actually there were quite a few things, once I started thinking about it.

Then I thought about the old Catholic "Seven Deadly Sins": Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Sloth, Lust, Anger, Pride. Then I realized that I was a victim of all of them. Not even a victim, it is worse than that. I willingly and knowingly indulge in most of them, most days! Once again I am convicted of what a sinful person I really am, and Jesus Prayer seems most appropriate: Lord Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner!

And yet, what next? I know I can never do enough penance to "earn" forgiveness, and while I don't mind making restitution or even doing discipline, I have no desire to punish myself for its own sake. I'm not a masochist. Besides, penance isn't the point. I don't want to agonize over the past, I want to truly repent of it - to turn and be different in the future.

It is only now that I realize how helpless I am to "make myself good". I do not have free will in the one thing that really matters - I cannot free myself from sin. I am reassured that even Paul felt the same:

Romans 7:19 For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

So tonight I will go to confession, and pray for God to flow through me and help me to "be perfect, like your Father in heaven is perfect" (Matt 5:48). At least until next confession...

A Prayer Rule

2006-12-29T13:15:00.000+11:00

I have been thinking about starting a Prayer Rule, which is a regular discipline of prayer encouraged by the Orthodox Church. I don't know why I still feel attracted to so much of the Orthodox church, even though there is so much about it I don't understand or positively dislike. Still, the discipline seems very worthwhile in terms of spiritual growth.

So this morning while I was jogging around the oval, I realized that this would be the perfect time to combine spiritual and physical discipline. I have often prayed over the dishes, but jogging occupies the body and frees the mind even more.

Then I realized the use of the silly Orthodox chanting! Sparrow tried to explain it to me, but like so much of the spiritual disciplines, I didn't realize how it worked until I tried it. Of course, it is so obvious once it gets going! The tune aids memory and slows down the prayers - like having a song stuck in your head. It has to go at a particular speed and with a certain cadence, which means that I have time to really stop and think about it.

I still struggle with the Jesus prayer: "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Not that it's not true, just that it seems a rather self-centred prayer to build a whole prayer rule around. I had to think a bit to come up with something which expresses in a single sentence, what I want to ask God for.

I considered the prayer of Julian of Norwich: "All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well." This is a statement of trust in God which I really like, and I think trust is something I lack.

But then I decided that what I really want is something which expresses my desire to be used by God, and I remembered an old song (complete with tune) which I love:

Take me, guide me, use me, walk beside me. I give myself to the Father's hand.

This expresses what I want for my life - for God to take me, all of me, as His. For God to lead me to the place He wants me to be, to live, to work, to speak and to do His will. For God to use me for whatever purposes suit His plan, like a tool shaped and fitted to do His bidding. For God to be there with me as I work out my salvation in fear and trembling - for I don't imagine that it will be easy. I want to give myself to the Father's hand, like your favourite knife which fits exactly into the palm of your hand and cuts straight and true.

Lord, let it be so.

An Aquinas moment...

2006-12-28T15:50:00.000+11:00

I have been involved in an excessively long discussion on the LiveJournal Orthodoxy board about the eternal virginity of Mary and whether married couples should have sex or not. Interesting, confusing and at times mutually conflicting points have been made.

Conclusions?

The Early Church seems to have been of the united opinion that Mary was the eternal virgin. I'm prepared to accept their view on that.

The whole thing about whether or not married couples should have sex, and whether monkhood is a better way to get close to God or not, opinion is divided. Once again, this seems to be an area in which Aquinas was right:

"To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible." (St. Thomas Aquinas)

Choices, changes...

2006-12-27T16:05:00.000+11:00

So for next year I am committed to working one day a week at the Angliss hospital. I'm finally a paediatrician - yay!

I also have three months' worth of work later in the year, and that's it...

I could study more. I could do locum work. I could do volunteer work. I should do house work. I could get fit. I could join a gym. I could run. I could take up cross-stitch again.

It is sort of wonderful and sort of scary to have a wide open diary with nothing in it (including the possibility of no money) and a whole year ahead.

I wonder what 2007 will be like?

What does God like?

2006-12-26T13:06:00.000+11:00

I have been thinking over the Christmas period of how easily we sometimes say "Oh, God will understand" or "God will forgive me" for this or that. I agree that it is probably true - God's mercy is able to forgive a great many things. But is that really the point?

God has given us guidelines, principles, laws, commandments, ideals and one living example. We know what is best for us, what God has ordained for us, what God requires of us and even why:

Micah 6:8 He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

He has graced us with not only instructions, but the reason why these instructions were given. If we choose not to do what is good, does it matter that God will understand, or that God will forgive us? He will, but we will still have to live with the consequences of our choices. If we knowingly choose what is not good for us, how can we then complain that we don't have what is good? Perhaps we should rather say:

Hebrews 12:11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on,
however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have
been trained by it.

Smoke...

2006-12-20T15:01:00.000+11:00

Smoke. Thick, white, choking smoke hangs over the whole city, probably over most of the state. The bushfires in this exceptionally hot drought year are storming out of control across eastern Victoria. Firefighters are doing their best, but the weather predictors are saying there will not be a heavy rain to put out the fires for another five months. One person has already been killed, several injured. Millions of dollars worth of property has been destroyed. The news is full of nothing else, and if we could forget what was going on, even for a moment, just looking out the window would remind us. The smoke is still here, hundreds of kilometres away.

In the meantime, shopping for Christmas continues.

It seems odd, perhaps even obscene, that despite the ruination and death taking place at the other end of the state, that here we are ignoring the smoke and doing Christmas shopping. We can go to bars, have coffee, window-shop and try on shoes just as if it were a normal day. Why not?

Besides, what else is there to do? I am not a firefighter, not an environmental planner, not a bush or fire expert. People are not yet in need of doctors, of emergency relief or accommodation. The reality is that there is nothing for me to do for them.

So I continue my Christmas shopping. And every time I look at the sky, at the obscured and dulled sun, I pray for rain. Lord, you send your sun and your rain on the just and the unjust. Send us now the rain...

Update on progress on Clomid (or lack thereof...)

2006-12-19T13:56:00.000+11:00

Well, my sensitivity to alcohol, caffeine and other substances seems to be holding true for Clomid as well. Peter started me on the lowest dose, which is only half of the usual recommended starting dose. I told him straight away that I want to have children, but not twins!

So on only 25mg I appear to be ovulating fine. This means that on the mornings I take the tablets I have to crack each one in half, which usually results in a whole lot of white powder all over the kitchen bench. I have started doing it on a plate, because that makes it a whole lot easier to lick up the spilled powder...

But despite two successful ovulatory cycles, we don't appear to be getting any forwarder. Maybe I was unrealistically optimistic, thinking that as soon as we started getting treatment we would start seeing results. I guess life doesn't work that way.

To look on the bright side though, it means that I can eat and drink whatever I like over the Christmas period. It is only those suffering pregnancy who have to be careful and conscientious. Alcohol, seafood, soft cheeses and pate are all allowed for us footloose and fancy-free childless types!

Exploring Orthodoxy 2

2006-12-04T14:56:00.000+11:00

As part of my "Orthodox journey" I have started corresponding with some Orthodox people from a bulletin board about Orthodoxy I found on the web. This has been both interesting and off-putting.

It is definitely interesting to see how many Orthodox seem to be converts from other denominations. Some have clearly thought deeply and hard about their spiritual journey and have (as I see it) given up many of the freedoms of the modern church to align themselves with the traditional church. More of these are men than women, of the ones I have met so far. I don't think this is coincidence. It is good to see so many people of great spiritual insight and depth, who have really thought about their faith are a part of Orthodoxy. To tell the truth, I was a little surprised. I guess I have been hanging around too many "nominal Orthodox" who take a cultural view of the whole thing, rather than seeing Orthodoxy as a genuine spiritual way of life. Who view "being orthodox" as part of "being Greek" and something to be clung to and defended as part of a cultural heritage, rather than as something with value in its own right.

The off-putting part is the attitude of the orthodox (in general) towards the rest of us (called the "heterodox"). This attitude is condescending, dismissive and uninterested. The answer to nearly my questions so far has been, in essence "because the Fathers say so" or "because it has always been done that way" and especially "you don't understand because you are not Orthodox" and "if you don't like it you don't have to join".

Now that is a Catch-22!
- you don't understand because you don't have the "mind" of the Orthodox
- you don't like it because you don't understand it
- if you don't like it, don't join
- unless you join, you can't have the mind of the Orthodox...

This seems to justify an attitude of complacency toward evangelism and of self-satisfaction with the status quo. The Orthodox church sees no need to make itself open, available or relevant to those in the society around it, because "if they are called by the Holy Spirit, they will come" - this despite the self-evident barriers against any such calling!

I also find it interesting to notice how many who converted to Orthodoxy saying that they "just knew" as soon as they walked into their first Orthodox church that they were among those "called". I guess that must mean that I am not...

Visiting the Orthodox in their own habitat... (pt 2)

2006-12-03T14:47:00.000+11:00

So I went to the Antiochian Orthodox service. It was strange. The music and chanting which sets my teeth on edge in the Greek churches is exactly the same in English, only weirder because the syllables have to be stretched to fit the chants. The music is horrible and apparently hasn't changed for over a thousand years. It could do with a change, in my opinion.

Some of the prayers were great, though. Really well-thought and sincerely written. I think I like John Chrysostom. Some of it was very familiar from the Anglican service as well, presumably the good old C of E "lifted" quite a bit of it from the Orthodox, I assume. It doesn't matter - it is all good stuff.

I was a bit shocked by the whole communion thing. I didn't take it of course, not being Orthodox, but the bread is crumbled into the wine and then the whole shebang given to parishoners on a spoon. The same spoon which goes into everyone else's mouth! I saw a mother rushing up with her baby to be first in line, and I don't blame her at all. I bet people with colds don't wait until last either! I don't think I would have wanted communion, even if I were eligible.

After the service, the priest recognized me immediately (probably the only visitor) and introduced me to a few people. Of course, the first thing they all asked me was "Why are you here?". Unfortunately, I didn't get to meet any women at all. I felt a little uncomfortable just talking to some of the men.

So overall, pretty much what I had expected from attending Easter services over the last ten or so years. Will I visit again? Probably. Will I become Orthodox? Unlikely.

Visiting the Orthodox in their own habitat...

2006-12-02T14:40:00.000+11:00

After many very annoying phone calls to the Greek Orthodox community, diocese and other organizations I have given up on them. It is impossible to find anyone who speaks English (or even thinks that this could be a desirable skill) or who is interested in talking to anyone. The first question my every enquiry was met with "Why are you interested?" that is, the ones who didn't assume that I was enquiring about Greek language lessons.

When I finally made the connection with someone who spoke English and who knew what I was on about, he finally admitted that there are two English-speaking service-conducting priests in the whole of Melbourne, and no English-speaking parish at all. He seemed to feel that an English service is a necessary evil which was ordered by the church authorities and therefore must be carried out, even if the whole thing is a pointless exercise...

So, I visited the local Antiochian Orthodox community instead. The Antiochian church has the rather encouraging official position that services should be conducted in the vernacular of the place they are held! Amazing! The priest was very encouraging, and invited me to come whenever I wanted. It is also very convenient that the first weekend I am free to go, they are relocating to the chapel at Monash University - I could practically walk there, if I wasn't always so late on a Sunday morning. So, it should be interesting to finally work out what everyone has been saying!

Exploring Orthodoxy 1

2006-12-01T14:28:00.000+11:00

Since the Greece trip, I have had a bit of an interest in exploring Greek Orthodoxy. There is something attractive about joining the tradition which goes right back to Jesus, the historical church which is the "ground and pillar of our faith" as they say. There is something reassuring and stable about the traditions which go back thousands of years, about a faith and a creed which have not changed.

I do have some hesitations though, about the elevation of what seems to be "tradition" over what seems to be the guidance of the inspired Holy Spirit? I can't help wondering if some of the man-made "rules" (which is what the tradition amounts to) are actually hinderances rather than helpful? And I wonder a lot about a church which claims to have "not changed" in two thousand years, but which obviously has acquired the accretions and trappings of a patriarchal culture along the way?

Apart from those hesitations, the major one I have is the relative authority given to tradition, even when it seems (to me) to be in opposition with either the Bible or with current culture. I know this is a totally Protestant way of looking at the whole issue, but I can't help that. If I had "the Mind of the Orthodox Church" then I would be able to just accept it all on authority, but since I obviously don't, then I can't.

The final problem of "tradition" as I see it, is that if it serves no particular function and if it gets in the way - why keep it? Apparently some of the vestments of the Orthodox priest haven't changed in nearly a thousand years. So? I don't see a current need to dress like that, and I think it alienates people for priests to look weird. I am told repeatedly that it is not "Orthodox" to think and speak like that - that Orthodoxy will not change to accommodate current ideas.

I think that is a major problem. Any church which will not even consider current social ideas and norms, which allows itself to become so estranged from mainstream society that it can't even talk to people - this is a problem. This is what I see in the modern Greek Orthodox church - a church which is so far removed from the current generation that it has nothing but rebukes for them for not being what it wants. A generation which is so estranged from the church that it feels the church has nothing to offer. A dialogue which is in two different languages and never the twain shall meet! A huge opportunity being lost...

Being a patient again...

2006-10-03T11:35:00.000+10:00

After three years of trying, we have finally admitted that we are not going to be able to get pregnant on our own and gone to the fertility doctor. I didn't realize how sad I would feel about this - I've always been healthy and at least averagely fit. I never thought this would happen to me.

I remembered all over again how hard it is to be a patient - to have something wrong with you that you can't control and that other people are going to take control of and do "to" your body. I suppose this is a good experience for a doctor.

I am going for blood tests next week, then the plan is for 3 months of clomiphene (Clomid) which is the hormone to regulate all the other hormones - the mother of all hormones? If that doesn't work, then exploratory surgery to "go looking" for endometriosis, have a close look at the septum, flush out the fallopian tubes and generally see what is what. If that doesn't work, in six months we will be talking about trying IVF - still don't know if we want to go there.

It is particularly hard because in paediatric medicine, I'm sure not a week goes by that someone doesn't ask me "So, any kids of your own yet?" and when I say no they respond with "Well, you're not getting any younger." I KNOW, I KNOW! I found my first grey hair on the Greece trip, which just adds to the biological impact of all those accumulating birthdays.

Actually, the fertility doctor said "Oh, you're not at the stage yet where your age impacts too much. At 32, your IVF chances are still around 50%" - so at least ONE person doesn't think I'm too old!

The first task for us, even before my blood tests, is for Dean to give a sperm sample for analysis - I wonder if he will want me to help him with that?

Greece Trip - Sacred Spaces

2006-09-30T15:08:00.000+10:00

It was in Delphi that we saw the amazing "Sacred Space" complex they had, with displays of wealth from all the various city-states, statues of honour in marble and bronze and sacrificial areas for gifts to the temple itself. All of it was contained within walls which delineated the temple area. This "sacred space" was set apart, holy for the purpose, and the wall was the defining barrier between what was sacred (and all sacred activities took place there) and what was on the other side, which was profane, everyday and not of interest to the holy ones at all.

This made me think about how we use the term "sacred space" - at Solace we use the term to mean the area set aside for prayer and communing with God, but is this really a good word? Does having a "sacred space" imply that other spaces are not sacred, or that God is not there? Or worse, that God is not interested in what goes in other parts of lives, away from the "sacred spaces"?

I know that I am inclined to compartmentalize my life - to think about family at one time, God at one time, work at one time, money at another time. But for a healthy life balance, God should be part of all the times. There should be no "sacred/profane" division in my life, especially since I believe that God made me a doctor and ordained that this would be my life at His command.

Maybe I should take my "sacred space" to be my whole life and make it all sacred, since God is there in all of it? Then there would be no "sacred spaces" only a sacred life, given and lived for God.

One holy catholic and apostolic church?

2006-09-29T13:26:00.000+10:00

1 Tim 3:15 ...if I am delayed, you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God's household, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth.

This verse is used a lot in some circles to promote the idea of a single unified church. While I agree that this is a lovely ideal, I am concerned about how this might work out in practice. Already even within denominations we see disagreements about interpretation of the Bible. People fight over deeply and sincerely held beliefs. As I see it, there are only three solutions to this:

1) allow difference by allowing denominations
2) allow difference by allowing disagreement within the one denomination
3) suppress all difference and expell the heretics.

We currently have 1) with lots of different denominations, some more similar than others. The different "flavours" of church have different audiences and appeal to different types of people, sometimes doing different types of work (mission, school ministry, hospital/teaching ministry, etc).

Option 2) has been tried by the Uniting Church, which resulted in such a watered down faith (IMO) that there is no longer anything certain and they might as well call themselves Unitarians. (Joke: on the front lawns of churches the rebels burn crosses, on the lawns of the UU they have to burn a question mark.)

Perhaps option 2) has a future in the Emerging Church movement, which has as a major belief the journey idea, rather than concentrating on held beliefs. Anglicans also do a bit of this between churches, along the lines of "in essentials unity, in non-essentials diversity, in all things charity". This allows a wide variance of practice while maintaining identity and beliefs. The problem comes when some insist on varieties of practice which others find unacceptable (women or homosexual ministers are the two issues which leap to mind) and ZAP! a new denomination is born...

Option 3) is usually the one the proponents of the "One Church" have in mind. Find the "right" beliefs and chuck everybody else out, since they are obviously heretics and have to either be brought into line or amputated for the good of everyone (they were probably never part of the real church to begin with. This is the idea I have a strong sense of uneasiness about.

Church history tells us that people are not going to agree easily on deeply held beliefs. These differences started with Peter and Paul arguing over how to bring Gentile Christians into the Jewish Christian community, and continue to this day. If there is to be One Church, somehow these differences must be dealt with, preferably without a huge cost in losing people who desperately want to follow the way of Christ but disagree with the church (Leo Tolstoy leaps to mind here).

In my opinion, denominations may in the end be the best of a series of non-ideal choices while we live here in the "not yet".

Reflection vs Rumination

2006-09-28T16:44:00.000+10:00

James was talking today about the difference between reflection and rumination. I think confusion of these two ideas has done a lot of harm to psychology in particular and in society in general.

Rumination is about stewing over something. Going back over part mistakes and hurts and chewing over the emotions and blame associated with them. Regretting what was or was not done or said and lamenting missed opportunities.

Reflection is about learning from past mistakes and hurts and using them as learning experiences to make things better next time. Realizing that the past cannot be changed, but that it can contribute to a better future. Realizing that the past is part of us, but doesn't have to dominate the future. Seeing what went wrong last time can be the first step to doing things differently next time.

Maybe psychiatry is useful after all!

A vision of Jesus...

2006-09-26T17:38:00.000+10:00

I don't often claim to have had a vision from God, but this one was so unexpected and so strong! It is part of the Greek trip, and when I get the rest of my diary entries online I will move it to its correct position, but for now I wanted to put it down.

Quite recently I had a very difficult experience of being helpless in a hospital corridor in Greece while a friend of mine was very ill. It was 4am and I was lost and alone and not even allowed in her room. I wanted someone to pray with me for her, and first I wanted my online CHFWeb friends (no internet access) then I wanted my church minister and friends (no mobile) then I wanted a chapel to pray in (couldn't leave) or at least some prayer beads to help me concentrate (didn't have any).

So I closed my eyes and prayed anyway and I had a strong sense of the presence of God saying "Why did you think you needed those things? I promised to listen to you, just you, because I love you and you are my child. You don't need to be in a church, or to have a saint or icon to pray to, or to have friends around or beads to count. I am here with you, and that's all you need." It was such a contrast to all the very elaborate churches and icons we have been seeing over the last few days, I suddenly felt so free, so unencumbered, that I don't need any of that because of the amazing privilege of being able to come directly before God. Amazing work of Jesus to make it so!

My other strong impression we of Jesus being right beside me, praying with me. I had been all prepared to kneel before the throne, to hammer on the doors of heaven, to plead my friend's case before God - all fairly confrontational images of prayer, as I realized later.

But right there in the hospital corridor, as I closed my eyes and prayed, I felt the presence of Jesus beside me, also weary and grieved for my friend's pain, also grieved about suffering and illness, also worried for her and wanting her good. He was there in shorts and sandals, unshaven, with his head in his hands, fingers slwoly massing his temples through his curly brown hair, sorrowful as he was for Lazarus' illness and death.

I realized then how much Jesus cares for our suffering and illness, regardless of the bigger questions about why God allows suffering and does God answer prayer. Jesus was there and Jesus cares. Where is Jesus when it hurts? He is here in us as we are hurting, not in the "it" which is hurting us.

God loves us, more than we realize!

Greece Day 2 - Leptokaria

2006-09-06T17:12:00.000+10:00

Our travels today took us away from Thessaloniki through Pella, which is the remains of the birthplace of Alexander the Great, which sounds much better than Alexander the Third. Pella was a planned city, with a layout which takes account of the rainfall and all the things which flow downhill. Amazing - they did better than Sydney which, though built over two millenia later is not planned half so well. Interestingly, Pella has the best houses at the top with the view and the rest lower down in the social order as you descend the hill. Gives a new meaning to "upper" class!

Vergina was our next stop, with the Royal Tomb of (maybe) Philip II, Alexander's father. The tomb had a suit of his armour, which showed that he seemed to have uneven leg length and wasn't very tall. The armour would have fitted me very well, making Philip about 165cm! There was also a woman buried with him, who got to keep all her amazing jewellery and dresses with her in the tomb. The dresses have rotted away, but there is so much gold thread in some parts of her clothing that the dress can be almost entirely reconstructed!

Both of them had golden crowns made to look like oak leaves wound into wreaths (I think it might have been oak, but I'm no botanist) anyway whatever it was, it was perfectly represented so that those who are botanists would have known exactly what it was. Each crown consisted of over one hundred leaves, plus acorns (seeds) and a forehead wire to support it all. Apparently all made of 24 carat gold, and if so, one huge headache to wear! The size and elaborate decoration of the crown apparently correlated with the social standing of the wearer, so Philip had the best of the best!

Tomorrow, on to Olympia!

Greece Day 1 - Thessaloniki

2006-09-05T16:26:00.000+10:00

After a gruelling 30 hours travelling, we have arrived in Thessaloniki (the proper Greek name for Thessalonica). We are tired, grimy and out of sorts. I guess St Paul would have felt like this when he landed here as well! Although he didn't get to stop over in Singapore, Dubai and Athens on the way here.

Thessaloniki is a beach-side town with a large port, and used to be one of the largest cities of the Byzantine Empire, second only to Constantinople. We visited the famous "white tower" ironically named because of all the blood shed by executions within it. We also walked along a small remaining part of the main road which connected the East and the West (Via Egnatia).

Sophia, our knowledgeable guide, explained the whole Greek/Macedonia issue to us while we were there. It seems to me to be mostly a "branding" issue, in that the country called "Macedonia" is only a part of the larger area also called "Macedonia" and that used to be part of the Greek Empire. The Macedonians also use the symbols of Alexander the Great and the White Tower, which is undisputedly in Greek territory. So the Greeks say that "Macedonia" (the word and symbols) belong to them, but confusing the issue is that some less-informed modern Greeks think that this means they have a territorial claim on the country calling itself "Macedonia" but which used to be Yugoslavia.

Confusing! Whatever the reasons, the whole issue runs very hot and we tried not to talk about it apart from among ourselves.

While we were here we caught up with Helen and Maria Lelidis, who moved to Greece from Australia about eight years ago. Funny to think that their parents moved to Australia to give their children a better life, and now Maria and Helen have moved back to Greece for the same reason! Of course, things have changed a lot in Greece since then, and now that Greece is part of the European Union and very modern it is a much better place to live and work than during the war against the Ottoman Occupation, or the Second World War. Come to think of it, Greece has basically been either occupied or at war for the last few centuries! Makes me realize all over again how fortunate I am to have never experienced war first-hand, and to live in a country as lucky as Australia.

Going to Greece!

2006-08-30T13:58:00.000+10:00

It has been a while since I have posted anything here - because too much is going on, not because I have nothing to say! I'll try to backdate a bit before I go, but Greece is calling! Three weeks away in the sun, beach and lots of Greek in-laws...

OK - so I'm not a romance writer!

2006-08-18T14:02:00.000+10:00

As part of my "romance writer" research, I decided to do some study. I mean, now that the thesis is finished, I have plenty of time to read and write - right? So I bought myself five Mills & Boon paperbacks (for two dollars!) and settled in to learn about my audience.

A week later, I decided that I am definitely NOT a romance writer, or not Mills & Boon anyway. The medical romance books were all terrible! I hope this is not truly representative of what this audience likes, or else what they like is purple prose and corny cliches. It was really dreadful writing, and the sad part is that I don't think it has to be this way! Medical writing can be dramatic, romance writing can be emotionally satisfying and interesting - so I don't know why the blend turns out so awful.

Anyway, this project is on hold for the duration.

God's generosity

2006-07-17T11:47:00.000+10:00

God is pouring out generosity on me! Yesterday we had communion at Solace, and it was a typical Jude communion - forget the cracker and sip of juice - this was fruit, cake, cheese, biscuits, bread, tea, coffee and juice by the glass! To me, the variety, generosity and plenty of the blessings of God were demonstrated there on the communion table.

I remembered one of the telling differences I noticed between "normal" communion and Greek Orthodox communion. At the Orthodox church, everyone was welcomed: babies, children, teenagers, adults, the elderly, wheelchair-bound, demented and all with no questions asked. Those who couldn't chew the bread had it soaked in the wine and spooned into the mouth. Those who could take bread had our hands filled with as many pieces as we could hold. It was a time of generous and unconditional giving, as God's love should be.

The priest explained to me that the idea is for the first memory of church as being given and fed, and the last as well. That we come to be fed, both bodily and spiritually, and that meager feeding diminishes everyone and makes us stingy in return. I loved being given as much bread as I could manage - that really chewy and heavy sourdough bread they use. I wondered how surprised everyone else would be if I said "sorry I can't eat any more, but I had communion at church this morning!"

So that was the Sunday morning gathering, then we had lunch at my parents' house, which was, naturally, another food-filled event! In the evening I decided to go drop in on the local church in Clayton which I had been invited to, but had not yet seen.

I arrived at the advertised time for the evening service (6pm) to find the church dark and quiet. I was beginning to feel a bit discouraged and to think about leaving, when someone walked through the church foyer into the hall next door carrying something which looked promisingly like a musical instrument. I wondered if the location had been moved to the hall, and followed next door.

The hall had been set up as a dining hall, with a large table down the middle and the band setting up at one end. It turns out that it was their quarter-annual Fellowship Dinner, and I was welcomed to join them for more food! We had singing, prayer, fellowship and lots of Indian and Sri Lankan food (the majority of the congregation) with dessert and coffee and sweets. I was almost overwhelmed by the welcome and interest shown in me - this is obviously a congregation where everyone knows everyone and a new person is the subject of much discussion and welcome. Nearly everyone there made a point of speaking to me and asking me something and telling me something about themselves. I was invited to join groups mid-week and on weekends, a marriage course and a regular Bible study. The warmth of the welcome was even better than the food.

So this is the hospitality of God!

Thesis passed

2006-07-13T14:49:00.000+10:00

The new university policy of get your results by SMS seems to be working. I got a message yesterday that my thesis passed! Unfortunately it didn't do as well as I had hoped, but realistically it was a bit of a last-minute rush job. It is a bit of a shame to ruin the series of HDs, but I suppose it was too much to hope to maintain the pace with everything else going on.

Now that is all over, the next step will be to send a copy of the academic transcript to the College, and get my letters (FRACP) to proclaim myself a fully qualified paediatrician! After only seven years, too.

The next thing after that will be to get a real job...

Am I a romance writer?

2006-07-11T14:36:00.000+10:00

Last time I went to see Vicky, she recommended that I find some quiet, home-based hobbies so that when/if I ever end up getting pregnant I don't got stir crazy at home all the time! So, I have decided to try my hand at writing a book. I logged onto eHarlequin.com (The publishers of Mills & Boon) and downloaded their author guidelines.

I decided to write what I know, and have written a synopsis of a romance about a paediatric registrar and a surgical registrar (sound familiar?) set in a busy emergency department. There is a full cast of patients, families, students and nurses, and I hope there will be some exciting resuscitation scenes.

The funny thing is that the more I think about it, the more enthusiastic I am about writing it! I have so many ideas about how to "show not tell" which is the first rule of good writing, and I feel that at least I know the material and the setting well!

Now to actually write the thing...50,000 words coming right up!

Communion by any other name?

2006-07-10T14:31:00.000+10:00

Yesterday Jude gave a very interesting talk about the different names for what we generally call communion and what those various names emphasize:

- the Lord's Supper because it is a remembrance of the cross which we do in obedience to His "do this in remembrance of me"
- communion because we gather together as a body of believers together and "commune" with each other and with God
- mass (which comes from the latin "missio") because we are equipped with the power of God to be sent out on our mission
- sacrament because it is a holy time by which we are sanctified
- eucharist (thanksgiving) for Jesus' sacrifice and grace

Interesting to see how each name emphasizes a different aspect of God's grace. Actually, I have never used it before, but I like the connotations of calling it mass, in the sense of this is the means by which we are filled and equipped to go out and do God's work in the world!

What's the difference?

2006-07-07T15:14:00.000+10:00

I feel restless.

Something is telling me that my life is not quite "right", but I don't know in what way. I am frustrated with myself that I am not changing, improving. I ask myself: What difference does it make that I am a Christian? How would my life be different if I were not one?

- I would have Sunday mornings free
- I would say "no" more often without feeling guilty
- I wouldn't have a fish sticker on my car

Is that it?

I feel that I am no different for being a Christian than I was before, or than I would be otherwise, and yet I feel that there should be a difference.

Even if I wasn't a Christian, I don't think I would go around telling lies and being mean to people, getting drunk, breaking the law, dressing like a tart, talking back to my husband and parents. I probably would read my horoscope in the paper each day. But if being a Christian doesn't change me, doesn't change my behaviour, then what good is it? What use is it? What difference does it make?

Is it valid to say that I am a Christian, but all the differences are purely interal? That being a Christian is good for me (I feel that it is) but this makes no difference to those around me or to my outward behaviour, speech and actions? This sounds uncomfortably close to James' indictment of "faith without actions is dead".

I also don't buy the argument that all being a Christian means is getting into heaven - pie in the sky when we die. This is not what I feel should be right, not what I see and hear in those around me.

On being a patient

2006-07-06T11:06:00.000+10:00

I am being a terrible patient, but in doing so I am experiencing and remember what it is to be a "bad" patient - I hope this will inform my future actions as a doctor!

First, I panicked and went through denial, grief and despair (this is all without waiting for any actual information - this is just on the report from the ultrasound technician).

Next, I did some avoiding and went shopping on eBay, didn't talk to anyone and generally tried to forget all about it. I think this phase lasted about 24 hours before I was even ready to look for more information - strange, since I always thought of myself as a logical and information-driven type of person!

It was not until a day and a half later that I felt able to even go looking for information. When I did, I searched the internet and found the expected hash of anecdotes and advertising. This is exactly the reason I don't encourage my patients to look on the internet, but I ended up doing it myself and frightening myself silly...

Then I went to the medical literature and had a look there, which confirmed my impression that not much research is done in this area. A lot of what goes on seems to be based on either a single study from 1993 (over ten years old) or on research done by those in the industry and therefore highly suspect.

I also went to my online friends for sympathy and reassurance - I didn't feel able to discuss this face to face with real live people without bursting into tears. It was in this that my true situation was brought to my attention. Again, this is strange because I would not necessarily have advised someone in my situation to seek our friends and go whinging to them, yet this is the one thing which really helped.

The ladies on CHFWeb reminded me of the good old-fashioned and true advice: count your blessings! You are only 32, still have a good run of child-bearing years in front of you, have only had one miscarriage (one lady there had four), a problem has been found and it is fixable! I should be gleeful and joyful and looking forward to having a minor day surgical procedure and then having as many children as I can handle!

The funny thing is that I do feel a lot better! Unexpected, under the circumstances. I think it was just the shock of having a diagnosis made and a problem identified. A useful experience for a doctor, I think.

Ultrasound results

2006-07-05T12:09:00.000+10:00

I went for a pelvic ultrasound yesterday, as the start of infertility investigations. It is suddenly all strange to be a patient in a hospital rather than a professional. I went to a different place I have never been before and had to ask at the desk where to go, what papers I needed, where the bathrooms are. Suddenly everything takes on a huge significance, and I felt a strong need to do it all "right" and to be seen as a "good patient" and not be "difficult". Not sure where that came from, since I always encourage my patients to ask all the questions they need to.

The ultrasound itself was not as uncomfortable as I had expected - I guess that is the difference between a professional who does it all the time and getting another registrar to do a quick scan in a back room on a tea break. They even had a second screen set up so I could see what the technician was seeing, not that it helped since I am not very good at interpreting ultrasounds, but she explained what we were seeing as it went along.

She scanned my uterus, ovaries, pelvic floor, etc and told me all the measurements. Just like every other patient, I asked her: Is that normal? Is that OK? Does that mean I have follicles and eggs?

Halfway through examining my uterus she said "Oh, you have a very large septum here." I had to ask her what that meant, and after a long pause she just said "You had better get your doctor to explain it." Of course, I didn't wait for that but started worrying immediately! I suppose that up until now I was assuming all was normal and it was just taking time to get pregnant - no-one really expects to hear that something is actually wrong until it actually happens.

Like all good patients, I then went and looked up "septate uterus" on the internet using google, and found all sorts of horrifying procedures which can be done to correct this. Not relishing the idea of surgery, I went to the medical literature to search the evidence for the implications and consequences and therapies (if any) for this condition. I found some rather daunting statistics which suggest an over 90% miscarriage rate and managed to work myself into a great old state of panic.

What creates change?

2006-07-04T11:35:00.000+10:00

This morning we had supervision for the family therapy team, and we discussed the question: what creates change?

This is a difficult question because so many families come to us, some change and some don't. Sometimes we think we are doing fantastic and therapeutic work and nothing happens. Sometimes we think we are doing nothing in particular and people get better anyway...

Is change to do with the therapy? The therapist? The "readiness" of the person? The therapeutic alliance? Something else?

The studies show that the person coming brings 40% of the change with them. The alliance/relationship between the therapist and client accounts for another 20% and the therapy being used about 10%, which leaves 30% still unaccounted for...

The other conversation we had was about how our own experiences of change impact on our professional model of change. Once again I was struck by how different people are in how they see the world, even among the therapy team. Vash talked about how the experience of difference changed her, John about how seeing the need for change in his life helped him make changes. Lisa said the most important factor for her was insight into how and why she acted as she does, in order to change it. Other factors mentioned were readiness, motivation and seeing the level of dysfunction/problem rising beyond what is acceptable - the "last straw" effect.

I guess we are all combinations of motivation, insight, experiences and needs, but there is something else as well. That indefinable spark of "free will" that lets us decide to change, or not...

God's hospitality

2006-07-03T14:58:00.000+10:00

Yesterday we talked about the hospitality of God: that which God expects us to give to Him and to others, that which God invites us to enjoy.

One point which was new to me, was that God can receive from us. Strangely, I had never considered this much before. God made everything, owns everything, and if there were anything He wanted which He didn't have easily to hand, surely He could just make it? For Him, to imagine could be to have, instantly.

Yet, in the Bible we hear of God entering into covenants with people, talking and bargaining with people, promising to do things for people and asking for things in return: worship, obedience, building an ark (and another ark) and a tent, and a building. I knew all this, yet never thought of God wanting anything - I guess I just assumed that all this was just to exercise our obedience muscles, or as a test.

It is also a rather strange thought that anything we can offer could be acceptable to God. He could immediately have the best of all possible foods, materials, incense or buildings, if He should decide He wanted such things. Reminds me a bit of my grandmother going to a restaurant and saying "I could make this better at home for half the price!"

But God accepts our offerings when we give them - He accepted hospitality from Lot, from Abraham, from Mary. He accepts our offerings to do His work, given through the church and other groups. He allows us to participate in the running of the world through prayer - even allows us to talk directly to Him in whatever ways we need to. I think sometimes I talk more respectfully to my boss here on earth than to my God. Hmmm.

God accepts what I offer, so surely everything I offer should be of the very best? Yet, He also says that everything I do should be as if it were done for Him. So, I should give my best all the time, and not keep it just for offerings to God. Now that's generosity on God's part - to ask for my best, only to give it back again to the world!

Is Solace a dinner party or a concert?

2006-06-30T10:48:00.000+10:00

An interesting post from Ian today about the nature of Solace:

We don’t go to Solace, we are Solace. Our decisions about whether we choose to attend things and how we interact with each other when we do will make Solace what it is, or is not to become. What ever we want Solace to be is what we have to become in order to participate in making it happen.

Very interesting! What do I express each time I go to gather at Solace? What do I bring? What do I expect? Am I what I would like to receive there?

The other aspect Ian discusses very well is what we think Solace is. If Solace is a concert, then we are the audience and not participants or performers. If Solace is a dinner party then we are equal participants. I think of Solace as a book club - a purposeful gathering of individuals to learn and nurture a common interest and a common goal.

Ian is also correct in that how we see Solace will influence how we interact with each other and how we regard our attendance. As a concert, our attendance or not is our own loss or gain with no impact on others. As a dinner party or book club, attendance will influence the experience of others also attending, our contribution (or not) will affect others in very essential ways.

Bible study questions

2006-06-29T10:43:00.000+10:00

An interesting method of Bible study which I came across today, is to read a passage with the following questions in mind: Does this passage contain...

1. a sin to confess?
2. a command to obey?
3. an example to follow?
4. an error to avoid?
5. a promise to claim?
6. a thought about God that is new to me?

I still am not sure about committing to another serious course of study, so I don't know if I should take up theology studies next semester, or just have a rest from study. Either way, I feel a call to get back to God somehow - not sure what form it should take. Bible reading and a small group would be traditional, but I guess I should just see what comes up.

Starting infertility investigations...

2006-06-28T22:55:00.000+10:00

Today I went to the doctor (Vicky) to talk about starting infertility investigations. It was so hard just to name the problem! To sit there and say that I am failing at this most essential function of a woman and wife - to name it and claim it as part of who I am. This also involved going back over my miscarriage of last year, which I thought I was recovered from, but discovered that I am not as over it as I had thought. I nearly started crying again in the office - which is ridiculous!

It was three weeks of being pregnant and then it was over, and yet I still feel such a sense of loss over the whole event. Probably because I am too aware of being 32 and still not a mother, still not a paediatrician, neither a person with a lot of hobbies nor an active social life, not the owner of my own home, not a philosophy or theology student - not even slim and fit! What have I been doing with all my time??

Anyway, to get a grip - Ann, my cousin, whose blog is now linked here, is adopting a baby girl from Vietnam! Her full story is rather harrowing, and I hope that we don't end up going the same route, but I wouldn't mind adopting a baby from Vietnam. Dean is very against the idea of adopting though, and would rather be childless than adopt, which I most definitely would not!

Ah well, here's hoping it doesn't come to that. Blood tests and ultrasound next week...

God at play

2006-06-25T11:10:00.000+10:00

This morning at Solace we talked about rest and play. God made rest and incorporated it into his commands and his plans for us. Jesus took time to rest and even to go to weddings, but we don't hear about him playing. We took some time to wonder what this might be like...

I thought about going dancing, and how much fun that is with the right partner, how you can dance and talk, how moving together in time to good music is both a physical and aesthetic pleasure. I can imagine Jesus doing a fantastic foxtrot! He would of course be perfectly in time with the music, have a great lead with a smooth motion and just right rise and fall. Dancing with him would be both fun and exciting - a challenge to live up to, and he would expect his partner to keep learning and to "listen" to his lead.

He wouldn't be always too serious either, or too critical. He might give tips of things which need to be corrected, but he would be able to chat and laugh - can't dance well without laughing! He would have a sense of floor-craft and be considerate of other dancers, especially beginners. Not having eyes in the back of his head, he still might crash into people sometimes, but he would be the consummate gentleman and apologize even if it wasn't his fault, and check that both ladies were all right.

He could also cut it at latin, and have a dynamic jive action to die for! He would have that sense of fun which makes a jive exciting to watch and exhausting and exhilarating to dance! He would give it his all and not mind the sweat running down his face - he would just flick his head back and laugh. I think he would be good at samba too - smooth with a little bounce in the rhythm to give it that syncopation that good samba needs. He would also be respectful enough to keep his hands to himself, and not ogle the other men on the floor either!

And afterward he would smile and escort me to a chair, get me a glass of water and let me recover and watch him spin another girl around the floor. He would be the kind to share himself around and even do progressive dancing to encourage beginners to take the floor. He would ask a wallflower to dance and give her a chance to show what she can do. He would be kind, considerate, friendly, social, exciting, challenging and I would always look forward to dancing with him again.

Maybe I should aim to be more like Jesus?

New church, time for new growth

2006-06-23T11:02:00.000+10:00

I went and tried out the local church (one of three) which is across the road. I feel a bit silly in some ways to be driving over half an hour to get to a church when there is one right across the road! On the other hand, that assumes that all churches are the same, which is definitely not true, and that relationships can just be interchanged, also not true.

This local church is quite small - about twenty people, half teenagers and young adults the rest adults some with babies. It seems a fairly dynamic, contemporary kind of place. The teaching appears to be systematic Bible teaching which is currently working through Romans (my personal favourite) and this seems to bode well for a mid-week Bible study group - something I have really missed since coming back from Ballarat.

Thinking about priorities: thesis and work have consumed me for the last six months. I haven't had the time or energy to grow in any other ways. I think the time has come to make some room to grow in the ways which really count - growing in knowledge and wisdom of God, and in self control! I think I have grown more short-tempered and impatient recently, which is not a good change. I need to take back responsibility for my own spiritual growth and get back to Bible study and prayer as a regular discipline. The fact that I can't even find my Bible says something, I think!

Paediatric Public Policy Committee

2006-06-22T10:57:00.000+10:00

We had our first meeting last night since I joined the PPPC, and it was the usual boring committee stuff. I can't believe anything ever gets done by a committee! Twelve people is far too many to decide anything, and much of the discussion was pedantic semantics and nit-picking.

Some interesting topics are coming up though - I am thinking of volunteering to help re-write the circumcision policy, except that I can't find the old one to read! I know, I know, I said I didn't want to become over-committed, but I have to do something or I'm not living!

Dancing again!

2006-06-21T10:54:00.000+10:00

Last night I went dancing again! I remembered how much I enjoyed it and want to do it again. The social interaction, the challenge of following the lead, the learning new steps and new variations and even the exercise!

I would really like to get back to dancing regularly, but at the same time I am aware of the need not to become over-committed. I have just arranged my life so that I'm not going out doing things every night or studying every night and I need to remember to keep it that way!

Fear of discipline

2006-06-20T10:47:00.000+10:00

I wonder why so many parents don't seem to discipline their children? Is it that they don't know how? Or fear doing it? Or does it just seem like too much effort? I know many parents don't want to smack their children, so it is that they don't know any other ways?

Take one of the girls I am currently seeing; she is six years old and her mother is too frightened to tell her "no" about anything. She gets money from her mother's purse, goes to the shops, sleeps in her mother's bed and has tantrums when she doesn't get her own way. Her mother says she doesn't know what to do or doesn't have the energy to do it. She doesn't seem to realize that it is only going to get worse and harder to correct with time.

Other parents want to be "friends" with their children, and seem to feel it is "mean" to set limits or say no. They don't realize that their children need limits to feel safe (children with too much power in the family become anxious) and that teaching their child self-discipline comes after imposed family rules are learnt. Learning limitations on self and consideration for others is a basic part of life and I pity the children who don't learn that young - they often lack social skills, don't make friends easily and are in for serious disappointments in life.

What is care?

2006-06-19T10:41:00.000+10:00

Doing psychiatry has given me a lot of time and opportunity to think about what it really means to "care" for your children. So many parents seem to think that caring means doing everything for your children and letting them have as much and as many opportunities as possible.

Yet I hear a mother saying that when she left home and married, she did not know how to cook and had the worst few months of her life trying to learn to run a house.

I see an eighteen year old boy who still jumps on the couch, has no sense of the value of work or of money and has a sense of entitlement which is going to get him disappointed some day very soon, I suspect.

So I wonder - isn't true care to prepare your children for the world? To teach them about work and limits and manners and skills? To give them a sense of personal discipline and achievement, as well as opportunities? To teach them that they have to commit and see their commitments through?

In short: to care is to discipline.

Thesis is finished!

2006-06-17T10:37:00.000+10:00

Finally! The thesis is finished, and I can get back to having a life, hobbies and a blog! And finished getting the house organized after the move, take up dancing again, start that theology course I've always wanted to do, get fit, lose weight, get back to the gym, write a book review, publish an article, organize jobs for next year, see a doctor, get my hair done...

And take some time to relax! Note to self: do NOT get over-committed!

Psychiatry is difficult

2006-03-05T10:19:00.000+11:00

Psychiatry is more difficult than I expected, though not for the reasons I had expected. I had worried about being depressed and over-identifying with the patients as I did when I was a medical student. Perhaps it is with more life experience, or perhaps the fact that all my patients are teenagers, but this does not seem to be a problem so far. I still identify very strongly with the patients (as is appropriate for a paediatrician) but now I am able to keep myself a little apart and see their problems as, well, their problems. This lets me identify where their behaviour is adaptive and where it is not.

The problem seems to be with the parents. Perhaps it is this strong identification with the patients, or seeing where the parents own behaviour is not adaptive, but I find myself increasingly blaming the parents and getting frustrated with them. I see that this is not an adaptive response for me! Doing something about it is much harder, though...

As Michael G pointed out in his orientation lecture on that first day - sometimes the inability of the system to change or to accept help and suggestions is part of the problem. This is till their problem, not yours. While true, this only allys my anxiety partially. On Friday morning I didn't want to come to work and see three patients, which I recognize in myself as non-adaptive avoidant behaviour. Maybe that doctor/patient separation is not as complete as I thought!

Deuteronomy 8

2006-03-04T10:06:00.000+11:00

A strong rebuke for the self made man today:

You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth. (Deut 8:17,18)

These days is more about intelligence, entrepreneurship and opportunism, but these is still the same strong flavour of those who work hard deserve to do well, and those who are just slacking off are also getting what they deserve. Dole Bludgers is another common term with the same implications.

I wonder if in our rich society people are more self-sufficient and therefore despise those who are not. If I have worked and made all my own money, why does God deserve any of it? I wonder if this is one of the reasons why it is harder for the rich man to get to heaven? Perhaps those who are rich don't feel the need for God and don't give God any credit.

CS Lewis was right again - God whispers to us in our pleasures but shouts to us in our pains. It is so easy to ignore God when things are going well. Thanking God for our blessings is not just for His benefit.

The "Text of Terror" (1 Tim 2:8-15)

2006-03-03T09:51:00.000+11:00

Ben Witherington hits the spot! On Saturday (Feb 25) he wrote a translation and explanation of that difficult passage in Timothy: I do not allow a woman to teach or hold authority over a man.

He makes the point (which I think is the most important) that in this statement, if it is interpreted as a blanket rule, Paul then contradicts what he says in other places about women speaking in church, prophesying, teaching other women, etc. Since we know that this cannot be the case, why does it appear to be the case?

Ben points out that these verses are a corrective to a problem which already exists in the church, and probably a temporary measure rather than a permanent blanket rule. In a church which exists within a pagan society where women priestesses were powerful and educated, it would be natural for these women to want to take charge and teach, even if they were new converts (which is also forbidden elsewhere).

He talks about the women learning in quietness and submission to the teaching - in the Jewish Law, everyone was to keep quiet and in submission when the Word of God was being read. Paul points out that as a result of incomplete teaching from Adam about the rules of the Tree of Life, Eve was vulnerable to deception. A person not properly instructed is much more easily deceived.

I'll have to take this on faith, not being a Greek scholar, but apparently the form of "do not permit" used by Paul here implies "do not currently permit" rather than "would never permit", implying that when the current problem is resolved, presumably by good teaching and understanding, then at some future time the restriction may be lifted.

The whole childbearing bit seems strange to me, but apparently it is some kind of parallel between the Fall coming through Eve and the Saviour coming through Mary. Reminds me of Paul's section on "through one man (Adam) we fell and through one man (Jesus) we are saved". Very Paul.

Deuteronomy 5 - Blasphemy

2006-03-02T10:58:00.000+11:00

I have finally read Jude's study on blasphemy from January (sorry Jude!) and found it to be much better than I had originally expected. Unfortunately for me, the session opened with a Billy Connelly movie, so by the time we got to serious discussion I was seriously bored and disengaged, and failed to give proper attention to the material under discussion.

Now that I come back to it with a clear mind - nothing clearer than my mind today - completely blank...

Oh yes, blasphemy. Jude's point is that blasphemy is not just about saying the Name of God in a disrespectful way, but about misusing the authority of God that goes with the Name. Paul is very clear about this when he says "Not I, but the Lord" and conversely "Not the Lord, but I". he was avoiding blasphemy by being clear about when he had divine authority to speak and when he did not.

These days I more often hear the reverse: "Somewhere in the Bible it says you should do what I want" seems to be the common use. Proof-texting and taking verses out of context to support our arguments is distressingly more common than taking the Bible seriously, as a whole Word of God. Brian McLaren talks about "taking verses and using them as weapons to bash our brothers into submission" which is also more common than using the whole of the Bible as a critique and a mirror for our own lives, which to me seems the more obvious purpose of it.

Sloughing off personal responsibility would be the other use for the name of God - God told me to do it becomes as much of a "get out of jail free" card as the devil made me do it. Uncomfortable parallel there.

Finally, the truth that every Christian who has ever lived with a non-Christian knows instinctively, the aspect of being a living witness:

When our actions are selfish, judgmental, divisive, or devoid of love, compassion and integrity, God’s reputation is sullied. And if we compound our offences by trying to cover them up and refusing to apologise and make good, then God’s name is dragged through the mire.

Deuteronomy 3-4 (Ash Wednesday)

2006-03-01T12:06:00.000+11:00

This book makes the interesting community observation that though some of the tribes had by now taken their bits of the Promised Land, the menfolk of those tribes were still required to continue fighting for their brothers' land, until all could enter the Rest of the Lord together.

Today, there is much more of an "I'm OK so why should I worry?" attitude. On the other hand (human nature being what it is and selfishness common in every age) perhaps it was a problem then as well, hence a specific command was necessary!

Having conquered part, if not all of the Holy Land, there is another very interesting instruction, which again reflects the eternal nature of human forgetfulness:

Be careful and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Has anything so great as this ever happened? Or has anything like it been heard of? (Deut 4:9,32)

Human nature is ever forgetful and asking "So what have you done for me lately?" So quickly we forget the signs and wonders and love of God on which we first believed!

This Lent season, I shall endeavour to return to my first love and my first eagerness to learn of God. I will learn of God from his Word in serious study every day and remember to pray and give thanks, not just during Lent, but every day...with God's help!

Deuteronomy 2

2006-02-28T10:32:00.000+11:00

This systematic reading of the Bible program is turning out better than I expected. I did not think I would like or learn much from re-reading the "boring" parts of the OT, but it turning out to be true that "all Scripture is God-breathed and useful".

Today's bit of Deuteronomy is about the Israelites wandering in the desert after being afraid to enter the Promised Land. I wonder if other parts of our lives reflect the same pattern? If we do not accept the calling of the Lord to do as He wills, that we wander aimlessly finding unsatisfying ways of filling our time?

I can't help wondering if some church programs might be like this - not necessarily ignoring, but not understanding the call of God to work in some particular area, and filling up rosters and meetings with other programs? Peter C. used to describe this as "leaves" as opposed to fruit.

Now there was a man after God's heart! A leader, compassionate, approachable with an amazing understanding of the human heart and how to bring God's healing and reconciliation to it. He not only did amazing work himself, he established leaders and a whole institute to carry on the work after him. Surely this is what happens when someone devotes himself to the work of God?

I'm glad to say that after some rocky times, I feel that Solace is heading the same way. As we define ourselves and work in God's will, we are growing and learning. So far, we have very few "leaves" and I just hope we can sustain the pace!

Homosexuality - a barometer for orthodoxy

2006-02-27T11:26:00.000+11:00

This is not an original observation (kudos to Vicki L!) but I think it is very true. I have previously pondered why homosexuality seems to be such a hot topic lately and one which polarizes Christians so completely. Often, a person's stance on this topic alone is enough to label him/her "liberal" or "conservative" in the eyes of others. Maybe homosexuality is to this generation what Creationism/Evolutionism was to the one before us. (I have also seen this issue used as a barometer of how people handle the Bible.)

Vicky also pointed out that this issue (like many others) is one with faithful, Spirit-filled, Bible-believing, godly Christians on both sides. Given that this is such an area of contention and uncertainty, should we not give as much grace as possible?

This response to RLP's post summed it up for me:

If I stand before God and God says, "why did you let so many people into the church?" I live with that judgment. For God to say, "Why did you keep closing the door when I was pushing it open?" is something I could not live with.

Thinking about Lenting

2006-02-26T11:21:00.000+11:00

I can't believe it is Lent again, already! Every year since I became a Christian I have observed Lent in one form or another. Actually my Lent story pretty closely reflects my Christian phases:

1) Giving up something - not sure why, but trying to be obedient.
2) Giving up something more - whatever the "giving up" thing is about, it doesn't seem to be working. Logical response? Do it more.
3) Giving up something really drastic (see above)
4) Realizing that being vegetarian for over a month is a complete pain for everyone around me (still don't cook at this point) and deciding that the substance of following Jesus is not about making trouble for others, but reforming one's own soul. Decide that the best path for this must be martyrdom.
5) Flounder for a while with token efforts at self-punishment.
6) Realize that Lent is not about self-punishment and decide to take on positive Lent disciplines.

The nutshell version of this last position (where I am now) is found in a quote from Jesus Creed:

Getting rid of sins is not the whole story: growth in grace is both ridding ourselves of sin and acquiring something new. What is that something new?

So here we all are - looking for something. It doesn't have to be something new - the rhythm of the church year brings back the old and the new, and everything old is new again. This Lent I am reading the Bible (gasp!) and the Old Testament, at that. Not much older than the OT, and yet to me it is almost all new, having been nearly twenty years since I started reading it through the first time.

I think this reading is also different because I am reading it as the Word of God - didn't know that the first time. Reading a living Word with the Holy Spirit looking over your shoulder and pointing things out is much better than reading a history book with NIV notes!

Reading between the lines...

2006-02-24T15:41:00.000+11:00

One of the problems that people with autism spectrum or Asperger's commonly have, is that they can be very concrete and struggle with metaphor. They tend to take things literally and not to understand allegory, allusion or simile.

We were explaining this to the parents of a boy with Asperger's and how this makes completing high school English difficult, as a high level of interpretation and understanding is usually required. These children may have done well early on, with more concrete comprehension tasks especially those requiring good memory, but the interpretation part often takes them by surprise. Some will say things like "but the answer to the question wasn't in the book!"

Today, we were saying to these parents that Asperger's boys often have trouble reading between the lines. With a panic-stricken expression he said "What do you mean reading between the lines? There isn't anything there!"

Which is, of course, the point.

Ethics of gambling post

2006-02-14T15:48:00.000+11:00

This was a great post on Feb 8 by Ben Witherington (read the whole thing on his blog) about the ethics of gambling and why Christians should not participate. His excellent points are:

- that gambling is the opposite of the usual work ethic, where a worker is worth his hire, and tries to get something for nothing, or at least a lot for a little.
- gambling relies on most people losing most of the time, and is therefore probably against the laws about not lending at excessive interest or profiting from the poor.
- gambling is not a good use of the money under our stewardship, since it is purely a personal and selfish entertainment, and an addictive one.
- often, it is driven by a selfish fear of poverty or a wish to provide luxuries for oneself. Really, God provides for our needs, through work or through the church and luxuries which we can't earn or be given we can learn to do without.
- gambling is a whole industry based on the sin of greed, and plays on this in order to make a profit. Everyone who participates in this either supports it by losing money to it or profiting from those who.

Quote of the day:

Gambling is an act of despair by those who either never trusted God or have given up doing so. James was right--- "the love of money is a root of all imaginable sorts of evil".

Go Ben!